It started snowing on Sunday morning. I thought the snow would melt away but it didn't. Not yet.
Today was the first day since the accident that I could get out of bed without significiant pain. I haven't been taking painkillers for days now, but I can still feel something in my back. And the bruise where the car hit me is still there but it doesn't hurt all the time.
I had a little fever yesterday, might be because I went out on Sunday and sat on the wet ground. Now the fever is gone and I just keep asking myself why do I always get all the trouble? I'm like Job in the greatest book of fairytales. He blames the god thing for giving him only shit and what the god figure then does is give him SHIT. I must have been a real asshole in the previous life to get so much trouble in this one.
One pathetic life, must say.
A waste of resources. I'm 24 and haven't done anything yet. Nothing.
Hateful life.
When people were made, there were some pieces left - enough to make one more person. That's me. I'm leftovers.
Saturday
Anneliese Michel
I saw "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" today. I had hoped for a really creepy one but -again- the trailer promised much more than it really was. The true case of Anneliese Michel seems really interesting, though. Anneliese was the real-life Emily Rose and her story was almost faitfully followed in the movie. Google the name and read about her if you like.
Still aching, but already can sit up straight and walk without limbing. I'm glad. The driver of the car has phoned me to ask me if I'm okay. It's nice that he's more worried than any of my friends. One didn't even call when I told him I got hit by a car. That's nice - tells a lot about the level of friendship.
Have to feed the pet. Now.
Still aching, but already can sit up straight and walk without limbing. I'm glad. The driver of the car has phoned me to ask me if I'm okay. It's nice that he's more worried than any of my friends. One didn't even call when I told him I got hit by a car. That's nice - tells a lot about the level of friendship.
Have to feed the pet. Now.
Thursday
The Accident
I went to the library after school, took some books and left home. Now that I look back at yesterday, I'm starting to think there was someone looking after me because nothing really bad happened.
I drove down the street with my bike I went cross a few intersections, driving. I remember a girl who went really fast in front of me and thought "Geez, she must be late." Se drove on despite of the red light. I got off my bike and waited for the light to turn green. I looked at a guy on the other side of the road and thought he looked familiar but couldn't really crasp the thought. Then I went ahead. I was thinking about people going by, how this one girl was wearing too tight pants, and which way to go home. First I decided to go the usual way but then I thought I needed some change. I went through the central bus stops and ahead, it was -what- fourish in the afternoon and I was thinking that there wasn't much people there. Then in the second place of decision I chose to go ahead towards the police station as there is a sidewalk that bikers can use too and I don't like biking on the driveway as the traffic here is crazy in the afternoon.
Then again, the last point of decision. I noticed a car parked in a weird spot on a driveway to a local hardware store, thinking what an idiot he was. I noticed a nice, dark car parked in front of me and two people in it. I needed to either choose going straight or take it to the right and go the way as I usually go. I liked the car - it was a plain, but rather new so I decided to go straight to get a better look. i don't remember the make of it or if it really was a nice car now - guess I lost some of my memory a few seconds later. I was looking at the intersection far ahead to check if I can go across the street there or should I turn back. That intersection has changed a lot during the last year so I wasn't sure. Then I noticed a white car coming from left. Well actually I didn't notice it until I understood it was moving. I hit the breaks, too late. I always keep my fingers on the hand breaks so I did break, but when I did that, I lost the ability to turn the bike fast, so the pedal hit the car's extra headlight set. The next thing I was thinking: "Ok, you're gonna fall badly, relax and watch for your head." I pushed the bike and tried to jump off but I had a long white coat on and a bag full of books so I wasn't that flexible.
I fell to my left side and blacked out for just a sec. Then I thought that I was okay until it hit me. The pain. It hurt so much I couldn't breathe for a moment. Tears bursted out and I couldn't help the sounds coming out of my mouth. I was somewhere in the twilight zone until I realized nothing's broken and didn't feel I'd hit my head - and I remembered that years ago, I had learned a breathing technique I could use. Everyone was yelling and talking around me and someone called the ambulance and the police. I managed to ease the pain by concentrating to my breathing and was able to talk. I remember that I was worried about the car. I tried to get up but the pain kept me down there. I wasn't shocked - though. Guess everyone else was more shocked. There were people coming and going and staring and asking had I hit my head and if I was okay.
I decided to get up. The first attempt to get up didn't result as I wanted. I couldn't use my left arm to push me up so I took some deep breaths and forced myself to get up (for the stinging pain was momentarily only) as there was audience and I felt really stupid being on the ground when I wasn't lethally injured. My whole left side was burning and aching but I stood up. I called J to come and pick up the bike and luckily he was nearby. I stood the whole time, not straight, though - and the world was going around but I kept breathing and told everyone I was okay. Then I noticed the blood. A little, but blood anyway, on my leg. Something in my bike had punched a hole, but it looked worse than it really was.
J, the police and the ambulance came soon as we were right next to the police station. J came over me and was - I don't know, embarassed to be there - and the officer asked my name and date of birth and then went on asking the people who were there to find out whose fault it was. I was taken to the hospital so I won't know who's fault if was until I receive a charge or a bill. J took my bike and followed me to the hospital.
The driver of the white car was really nice and I think he got more scared than me. He apologized ten times and I said - not thinking - that we might bumb into each other some other time. Literally. Guess no one understood the joke - I understood it later.
The ambulance dude was really nice, we talked the whole way to the ER and he said that the car came from left, so it was basically his job to not hit me. Then they asked for my insurance - which I never had because the healthcare is free - I only have one that covers if I mess up someone else's stuff. The people had said I drove too fast. But I never drive fast! I never even cross the street on red light! The ambulance dude and the driver asked if I wanted them to carry me in, but I said I could walk. But it hurt like hell. At this point I actually started laughing for everyone being so considerate as I wasn't really hurt. I guess I was, because I actually yelled like a crazy monkey when I had to take a step down of the car. My hip felt like as if someone had stuck a 12 inch nail in there. The ambulance people laughed when I said "geez, I yell like a littel girl". The younger ambulance dude said again "want me to carry you?" and I said I'm doing fine. Then the older guy said: "She likes this" and I had to state that "Yes, hit me harder." They laughed. They put me in bed and put a blanket on and said "They're probably coming soon to give you a shot for the pain, have a nice day". I would have ran if I could've moved without help.
I young guy came over first to take my blood pressure and ask for some details . I told the same story I told the police and J and the ambulance people. He was, like, "You seem to be doing fine, stay here and the doctor will come soon. Oh, we should probably give you a shot." "Oh no you're not." I felt panic arising. "For the pain" he said. I refused. And refused again and decided that I'll stand a week of pain rather than take a needle. "Oh, a little needlephopic, eh?" he asked and went somewhere. I waited for the doctor for like an hour or so. The ER was full of old people with headache - nothing serious - and I was feeling only a bit dizzy but my butt hurt like hell. The nurse came and asked if I wanted another blanket and I said I'm quite fine - thinking why there were on a good mood as the ER is known of their rather non-customer-service -staff.
The doctor appeared to be a 35+ dude with nice blue eyes. He wanted asked the same questions ten-or-so people before him and I answered. He checked if I had broken a hip bone and he did a rather unpleasant check. I had to lay down and he took a crab of each side of my hip and twisted. Didn't hurt, but the feeling was somewhat unpleasant. Then he twisted my leg, did a lot of pushing and squeezing (gee, that sounds perverted) and then asked me to stand up. It took me about 30 secs to get up and stand. Then I noticed the doctor was at least 20 inches taller than me and I'm tall! He asked me to take a few steps and then as I was having hard time walking he wanted to check my spine and ribs. He was, like, "you know how to fall, eh?" I answered: "Guess those years training aikido and karate weren't useless. And I have never been so glad for my big butt."
Okay, so I was fine. The doctor told me to stay in bed for at least three days and then try moving outside of the house. He said that the pain was going to be terrible and told me to take a lot of painkillers. Then they sent me home and asked to come again if I had any doubts of injuries as they didn't want to take x-rays for I seemed to be doing fine.
By the time I got home the pain had gone wild. The whole left side of my body was aching (and by the way - still is - even with the painkillers). I'm glad I knew I had to come with my butt first but my heavy load and the coat caused the landing on the whole left side.
Now that I have relaxed a lot I know that there were some injuries they didn't notice. My neck feels like shit, I felt sick and feverish and right now I feel that I actually hit my head because the base of my skull feels sore. Well, if I die in haemorrhagia intracranialis or whatever I know they were wrong not x-raying me. Every inch of my body from the left ankle to the left ear hurts.
Now I'm just waiting what I'll have to pay for the damage to the car. Because I'm sure it will eventually be my fault as the driver appeared to be somewhat whealthy as I had the change to notice his suit and three cell phones. He was - luckily - driving a crappy car. But I heard the extra light sets can be really expensive. I can't stop thinking what I'll have to pay and why didn't I crush my skull in the street.
Or course, J doesn't understand. He takes it as if it was nothing. He doesn't realize that if the car didn't come from a parking lot it would have driven faster and I would probably be dead as I never wear a helmet when biking. Guess he doesn't care after all. He was very servicing, though. Even bought me my favorite ice cream today.
It seems like forever and that was barely 24 hours ago.
I drove down the street with my bike I went cross a few intersections, driving. I remember a girl who went really fast in front of me and thought "Geez, she must be late." Se drove on despite of the red light. I got off my bike and waited for the light to turn green. I looked at a guy on the other side of the road and thought he looked familiar but couldn't really crasp the thought. Then I went ahead. I was thinking about people going by, how this one girl was wearing too tight pants, and which way to go home. First I decided to go the usual way but then I thought I needed some change. I went through the central bus stops and ahead, it was -what- fourish in the afternoon and I was thinking that there wasn't much people there. Then in the second place of decision I chose to go ahead towards the police station as there is a sidewalk that bikers can use too and I don't like biking on the driveway as the traffic here is crazy in the afternoon.
Then again, the last point of decision. I noticed a car parked in a weird spot on a driveway to a local hardware store, thinking what an idiot he was. I noticed a nice, dark car parked in front of me and two people in it. I needed to either choose going straight or take it to the right and go the way as I usually go. I liked the car - it was a plain, but rather new so I decided to go straight to get a better look. i don't remember the make of it or if it really was a nice car now - guess I lost some of my memory a few seconds later. I was looking at the intersection far ahead to check if I can go across the street there or should I turn back. That intersection has changed a lot during the last year so I wasn't sure. Then I noticed a white car coming from left. Well actually I didn't notice it until I understood it was moving. I hit the breaks, too late. I always keep my fingers on the hand breaks so I did break, but when I did that, I lost the ability to turn the bike fast, so the pedal hit the car's extra headlight set. The next thing I was thinking: "Ok, you're gonna fall badly, relax and watch for your head." I pushed the bike and tried to jump off but I had a long white coat on and a bag full of books so I wasn't that flexible.
I fell to my left side and blacked out for just a sec. Then I thought that I was okay until it hit me. The pain. It hurt so much I couldn't breathe for a moment. Tears bursted out and I couldn't help the sounds coming out of my mouth. I was somewhere in the twilight zone until I realized nothing's broken and didn't feel I'd hit my head - and I remembered that years ago, I had learned a breathing technique I could use. Everyone was yelling and talking around me and someone called the ambulance and the police. I managed to ease the pain by concentrating to my breathing and was able to talk. I remember that I was worried about the car. I tried to get up but the pain kept me down there. I wasn't shocked - though. Guess everyone else was more shocked. There were people coming and going and staring and asking had I hit my head and if I was okay.
I decided to get up. The first attempt to get up didn't result as I wanted. I couldn't use my left arm to push me up so I took some deep breaths and forced myself to get up (for the stinging pain was momentarily only) as there was audience and I felt really stupid being on the ground when I wasn't lethally injured. My whole left side was burning and aching but I stood up. I called J to come and pick up the bike and luckily he was nearby. I stood the whole time, not straight, though - and the world was going around but I kept breathing and told everyone I was okay. Then I noticed the blood. A little, but blood anyway, on my leg. Something in my bike had punched a hole, but it looked worse than it really was.
J, the police and the ambulance came soon as we were right next to the police station. J came over me and was - I don't know, embarassed to be there - and the officer asked my name and date of birth and then went on asking the people who were there to find out whose fault it was. I was taken to the hospital so I won't know who's fault if was until I receive a charge or a bill. J took my bike and followed me to the hospital.
The driver of the white car was really nice and I think he got more scared than me. He apologized ten times and I said - not thinking - that we might bumb into each other some other time. Literally. Guess no one understood the joke - I understood it later.
The ambulance dude was really nice, we talked the whole way to the ER and he said that the car came from left, so it was basically his job to not hit me. Then they asked for my insurance - which I never had because the healthcare is free - I only have one that covers if I mess up someone else's stuff. The people had said I drove too fast. But I never drive fast! I never even cross the street on red light! The ambulance dude and the driver asked if I wanted them to carry me in, but I said I could walk. But it hurt like hell. At this point I actually started laughing for everyone being so considerate as I wasn't really hurt. I guess I was, because I actually yelled like a crazy monkey when I had to take a step down of the car. My hip felt like as if someone had stuck a 12 inch nail in there. The ambulance people laughed when I said "geez, I yell like a littel girl". The younger ambulance dude said again "want me to carry you?" and I said I'm doing fine. Then the older guy said: "She likes this" and I had to state that "Yes, hit me harder." They laughed. They put me in bed and put a blanket on and said "They're probably coming soon to give you a shot for the pain, have a nice day". I would have ran if I could've moved without help.
I young guy came over first to take my blood pressure and ask for some details . I told the same story I told the police and J and the ambulance people. He was, like, "You seem to be doing fine, stay here and the doctor will come soon. Oh, we should probably give you a shot." "Oh no you're not." I felt panic arising. "For the pain" he said. I refused. And refused again and decided that I'll stand a week of pain rather than take a needle. "Oh, a little needlephopic, eh?" he asked and went somewhere. I waited for the doctor for like an hour or so. The ER was full of old people with headache - nothing serious - and I was feeling only a bit dizzy but my butt hurt like hell. The nurse came and asked if I wanted another blanket and I said I'm quite fine - thinking why there were on a good mood as the ER is known of their rather non-customer-service -staff.
The doctor appeared to be a 35+ dude with nice blue eyes. He wanted asked the same questions ten-or-so people before him and I answered. He checked if I had broken a hip bone and he did a rather unpleasant check. I had to lay down and he took a crab of each side of my hip and twisted. Didn't hurt, but the feeling was somewhat unpleasant. Then he twisted my leg, did a lot of pushing and squeezing (gee, that sounds perverted) and then asked me to stand up. It took me about 30 secs to get up and stand. Then I noticed the doctor was at least 20 inches taller than me and I'm tall! He asked me to take a few steps and then as I was having hard time walking he wanted to check my spine and ribs. He was, like, "you know how to fall, eh?" I answered: "Guess those years training aikido and karate weren't useless. And I have never been so glad for my big butt."
Okay, so I was fine. The doctor told me to stay in bed for at least three days and then try moving outside of the house. He said that the pain was going to be terrible and told me to take a lot of painkillers. Then they sent me home and asked to come again if I had any doubts of injuries as they didn't want to take x-rays for I seemed to be doing fine.
By the time I got home the pain had gone wild. The whole left side of my body was aching (and by the way - still is - even with the painkillers). I'm glad I knew I had to come with my butt first but my heavy load and the coat caused the landing on the whole left side.
Now that I have relaxed a lot I know that there were some injuries they didn't notice. My neck feels like shit, I felt sick and feverish and right now I feel that I actually hit my head because the base of my skull feels sore. Well, if I die in haemorrhagia intracranialis or whatever I know they were wrong not x-raying me. Every inch of my body from the left ankle to the left ear hurts.
Now I'm just waiting what I'll have to pay for the damage to the car. Because I'm sure it will eventually be my fault as the driver appeared to be somewhat whealthy as I had the change to notice his suit and three cell phones. He was - luckily - driving a crappy car. But I heard the extra light sets can be really expensive. I can't stop thinking what I'll have to pay and why didn't I crush my skull in the street.
Or course, J doesn't understand. He takes it as if it was nothing. He doesn't realize that if the car didn't come from a parking lot it would have driven faster and I would probably be dead as I never wear a helmet when biking. Guess he doesn't care after all. He was very servicing, though. Even bought me my favorite ice cream today.
It seems like forever and that was barely 24 hours ago.
Wednesday
I Hate Wednesdays
Basically I hate every day, but wednesdays are worst. Why? Well, It's two days work before and two days after. My worst day used to be Sunday (for Monday being the next), but I have noticed that I'm vey upset almost every Tuesday because I'll have to wake up early on Wednesday.
It's 12th October today and I haven't had money since 4th. Not a cent of my own money. I hate being a student - the money is always gone the same day and the rest of the month I'm thinking that I'd like to go here and there, but never can go.
It's 12th October today and I haven't had money since 4th. Not a cent of my own money. I hate being a student - the money is always gone the same day and the rest of the month I'm thinking that I'd like to go here and there, but never can go.
Monday
Me Loves Google Earth
lat=21.1286523448 lon=-11.403688256
It's called the Richat Structure and in that nice piece of geology I found the answer for the reason Egyptians hold the eye as a symbol of living gods. How would an ancient person get a view from the heavens? Well..
You think about that.
It's called the Richat Structure and in that nice piece of geology I found the answer for the reason Egyptians hold the eye as a symbol of living gods. How would an ancient person get a view from the heavens? Well..
You think about that.
One Breaks Down And The Other One Fails
Not knowing where to go is just killing me. It's fuckin' eating me day after day until there's nothing left. I want so many things but don't have the means to get them.
I know I don't belong here. But where is it then? There is always this crazy feeling of not being able to stay where I am, I always want to go somewhere else and maybe be someone else.
Childish, I know.
Can't help it, though.
That's.
Oh, by the way, I wonder if there is anyone in the world who would accept me the way I am? With all my frantics (kill me for wrong word here) and every bad aspects in my nature.
I read Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice two days ago. I liked the story very much - I could, actually, be in Elizabeth Bennet's shoes one day. I'm proud and I'm very prejudical (another wrong word?) and that could be the fact that I'm always misunderstood and misunderstanding.
Funny. My English has been better.
A moment later..
Great. Just got humiliated in front of the class. I hadn't been added to the "learning environment" for that class - so I didn't know about the start date of the course. Which was last week. I checked his home page and boom, nothing there. I asked a simple question why I hadn't been added at all and the teacher started a monologue in which I was the major culprit. Of course I wouldn't have fuckin' asked if I knew that I was late! Of course I wouldn't have been absent from the first class if I'd knew when it was held! There is no prejudice at all when I say that he's an old fart who should be sitting in his diapers in some mental institute.
I know I don't belong here. But where is it then? There is always this crazy feeling of not being able to stay where I am, I always want to go somewhere else and maybe be someone else.
Childish, I know.
Can't help it, though.
That's.
Oh, by the way, I wonder if there is anyone in the world who would accept me the way I am? With all my frantics (kill me for wrong word here) and every bad aspects in my nature.
I read Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice two days ago. I liked the story very much - I could, actually, be in Elizabeth Bennet's shoes one day. I'm proud and I'm very prejudical (another wrong word?) and that could be the fact that I'm always misunderstood and misunderstanding.
Funny. My English has been better.
A moment later..
Great. Just got humiliated in front of the class. I hadn't been added to the "learning environment" for that class - so I didn't know about the start date of the course. Which was last week. I checked his home page and boom, nothing there. I asked a simple question why I hadn't been added at all and the teacher started a monologue in which I was the major culprit. Of course I wouldn't have fuckin' asked if I knew that I was late! Of course I wouldn't have been absent from the first class if I'd knew when it was held! There is no prejudice at all when I say that he's an old fart who should be sitting in his diapers in some mental institute.
Friday
Getting to "okay"
So, A few weeks ago I felt like shit. I felt like shit until this morning, actually.
And after those short hours of actually feeling good...
The bumb in my belly is starting to hurt again and the pain is all over the lower part of my belly. I tried to phone for the scan today but there was no answer. I'm beginning to think that the number isn't valid.
I hope it's not cancer.
Three of my grandparents have died on cancer. It's commonly known, that it might skip one generation and my mother's generation haven't died on cancer. That's apt to be either me or one of my sisters..
Haha, I phoned again. An answer. Finally.
WTF?
I got the appointment on 15th December. There's only one doctor in this town who does the scans once a month and all the appoinments were full until December. Great. Just great.
Does cancer spread in a few months?
And after those short hours of actually feeling good...
The bumb in my belly is starting to hurt again and the pain is all over the lower part of my belly. I tried to phone for the scan today but there was no answer. I'm beginning to think that the number isn't valid.
I hope it's not cancer.
Three of my grandparents have died on cancer. It's commonly known, that it might skip one generation and my mother's generation haven't died on cancer. That's apt to be either me or one of my sisters..
Haha, I phoned again. An answer. Finally.
WTF?
I got the appointment on 15th December. There's only one doctor in this town who does the scans once a month and all the appoinments were full until December. Great. Just great.
Does cancer spread in a few months?
Thursday
Today
I'm trying to change my last name as soon as I get some money. I might try either Croft or Grissom. The latter could be easily done, because it kinda sounds Swedish. Then I could always introduce me as Grissom, CSI. Naah. Just kidding. I'll change my name, but something more earthly.
I asked J about everything that was bothering me yesterday.
He found - as usual - explanations, good explanations. But still I can't trust a word he says. We had a short conversation about certain things I caught him doing and he gave a weird, but somewhat innocent story about how he doesn't want to talk about those things and it's a lot easier to do it in some other ways. A very good story, I must admit - but I don't believe it at all. I still believe he's doing something behind my back and that's killing me.
I can pretend happy, I did that a lot when I lived at home, but it's eating me.
He was trying to be very romantic - he read me a story from a book I borrowed from the library and - as I come to think of it - appears to be a pretty good reader. He stayed home all evening and tried to be nice, but I tend too see him as a snake in my garden - ready to attack.
There's nothing we can do, is there?
Is it over?
darling when
when did we fall?
when was it over?
I asked J about everything that was bothering me yesterday.
He found - as usual - explanations, good explanations. But still I can't trust a word he says. We had a short conversation about certain things I caught him doing and he gave a weird, but somewhat innocent story about how he doesn't want to talk about those things and it's a lot easier to do it in some other ways. A very good story, I must admit - but I don't believe it at all. I still believe he's doing something behind my back and that's killing me.
I can pretend happy, I did that a lot when I lived at home, but it's eating me.
He was trying to be very romantic - he read me a story from a book I borrowed from the library and - as I come to think of it - appears to be a pretty good reader. He stayed home all evening and tried to be nice, but I tend too see him as a snake in my garden - ready to attack.
There's nothing we can do, is there?
Is it over?
darling when
when did we fall?
when was it over?
Wednesday
One Day In Life
Well, I can't really stop thinking that there's still something wrong. J wants me to be here but then again I have come to think that he wants me to stay here because of what? How could he find the thoughts that he said were gone? That doesn't happen. When there's nothing there, there is nothing.
He says he doesn't know if I trust him. Trust him after all the things he's done! I can't stop thinking that what if the things he says isn't real - because he's a fabulous liar - and what if he is going to repeat the history. That's the way I don't trust him. How can two people be together if one is afraid the other one would leave again someday and the other one hopes he left. That's just sick.
I hate it when people don't know how to speak. I learned it years ago and me - being as impatient as I am - can't wait others to learn too. I hated it when J spoke about his hobbies but couldn't say that "I'm having hard time at work, I'd like you to listen". He is the kind of person who says nothing until he's forced to speak. I hated it when I tried to ask if there's something the wrong with him he'd just say "I'm okay" and then one day I'd hear there was a lot of things wrong.
We decided to try again (!!) but somehow I don't count on anything these days. My trust is gone. Every day he goes to work and I think that maybe today one friend of mine phones and asks if we are separated because she saw him with someone else. Every times he goes to his hobbies I think that some of his friends may talk to him and point out that I'm too needy and annoying and that he could find a better one. Every woman who comes to say "hi" to him, I think, she could be someone he's writing those oh-so-secret-e-mails with. He flips out every time I go close when he's on the computer and closes the windows fast. I must admit that I'm checking the firewall log for the pages he goes to and yesterday I found him looking at some girls' pictures on a website some people use as a dating place.
The conclusion: I don't trust. And I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't trust. Guess it's just me being paranoid again. This thing is bothering me so much I can't concentrate on anything, I can't do anything, I don't know what to do. He doesn't talk and appears to be in love but I don't know if he's being serious or what. I wish that it's just me being nutty.
I can't take it that my life just runs through my fingers and I can't help it. Unless I can tell myself I'm being silly and he means the business or unless he can assure me he's not going anywhere, I'll have to go. I can't take the pressure.
Basically, nothing would be wrong if he just told me what's going on inside of his head.
Sit down laugh thinking what have we done
Let me inside
Is it all over before it's begun
Please give me some time
He says he doesn't know if I trust him. Trust him after all the things he's done! I can't stop thinking that what if the things he says isn't real - because he's a fabulous liar - and what if he is going to repeat the history. That's the way I don't trust him. How can two people be together if one is afraid the other one would leave again someday and the other one hopes he left. That's just sick.
I hate it when people don't know how to speak. I learned it years ago and me - being as impatient as I am - can't wait others to learn too. I hated it when J spoke about his hobbies but couldn't say that "I'm having hard time at work, I'd like you to listen". He is the kind of person who says nothing until he's forced to speak. I hated it when I tried to ask if there's something the wrong with him he'd just say "I'm okay" and then one day I'd hear there was a lot of things wrong.
We decided to try again (!!) but somehow I don't count on anything these days. My trust is gone. Every day he goes to work and I think that maybe today one friend of mine phones and asks if we are separated because she saw him with someone else. Every times he goes to his hobbies I think that some of his friends may talk to him and point out that I'm too needy and annoying and that he could find a better one. Every woman who comes to say "hi" to him, I think, she could be someone he's writing those oh-so-secret-e-mails with. He flips out every time I go close when he's on the computer and closes the windows fast. I must admit that I'm checking the firewall log for the pages he goes to and yesterday I found him looking at some girls' pictures on a website some people use as a dating place.
The conclusion: I don't trust. And I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't trust. Guess it's just me being paranoid again. This thing is bothering me so much I can't concentrate on anything, I can't do anything, I don't know what to do. He doesn't talk and appears to be in love but I don't know if he's being serious or what. I wish that it's just me being nutty.
I can't take it that my life just runs through my fingers and I can't help it. Unless I can tell myself I'm being silly and he means the business or unless he can assure me he's not going anywhere, I'll have to go. I can't take the pressure.
Basically, nothing would be wrong if he just told me what's going on inside of his head.
Sit down laugh thinking what have we done
Let me inside
Is it all over before it's begun
Please give me some time
Another Hurricane
Well,
Nature gets really back at the US for polluting, destroying and a million other things the government and people of the US have decided for their own good. I'm glad. Maybe this will teach the all-mighty-USA-people (I know they call themselves "americans" but so are the others who live on the two continent - so I'm not using it) a lesson they should remember for a couple of years. Does anyone remember how big they made 911? In the end it was just a series of stupid ignorance cased that led to to the destruction of the twin towers. That killed some firemen (I'm sure their relatives knew that being a fireman would carry a risk of death) and other people. So the fucking what? The whole 911 incident was about the Pentagon being a bunch of dumb asses.
What's funny about war and stuff is the fact that in the end there's a person that's getting all the blame. Take Bush for instance, he signs the forms his crew does and gives the final word, but he is - nevertheless - just one guy. Go ahead, people of US, blame Bush if that makes you feel better. But if all of the people in the US would state what they think and act what they think, he wouldn't be there giving those orders but there would be someone else. There's always got to be someone else to blame. All the 255 million (or whatever) people in the US could state "we just want to stay here and try not to rule the whole world". So stop whining if you get something back sometimes - whether it's nature or some other country trying to take the highest rank in the world.
US, deal with your own problems, such as the tens of thousands of homeless people, the crime rates, your financial situation, the kids in foster care, the healthcare system and get your own people happy with the money that's in the country and THEN go and try to rule the world, ok?
I'm so sick and tired hearing news in my own country - cuz the news is mainly about the closing hurricane Rita. I don't fuckin' care! I will NOT donate, I will not feel sorry and I hope no one else will too. Check your fucking front yard people. There are SUVs and sports cars, you like it big. That's your own fault that you need as much oil as you do because you drive big cars that need a lot of fuel to keep going. You and your SUV's "for the carpools and taking the kids to their hobbies". Take a look at your own country.
My fellow countrymen are so suckers for everything that comes from North America that it makes me sick! I hate it when little white boys dress like hip-hop stars and speak bad English just to look cool. Mostly the result is the opposite: not cool. I hate the teenage girls who think that the fact - that they get free and good education, free school meals to senior high school, free college - everyone has the opportunity here. The government gives as much as 600 dollars a month just for them to stay in school - is not enough, they want to go to "america" and be fucking supermodels. We can go to the doctor and pay 18 dollars three times a year and they can go as much as they like. If my people goes to dentist, they can either choose the public dentists that goes with the three-time-yearly-pay or private dentist which costs a lot - but the government returns some at least 75 % of the paid amount.
We have high taxes and low wages, but we don't have to pay our brains out if we get sick. We get cuts in our benefits, but the people in my country don't whine - not out loud at least - because we know we have chosen the ones who decide the budget and the cuts that are made.
US earns - what - like a million times more than my little country and they still cannot afford to teach their own people. They can afford war.
And why the hell are you whining "for the lost soldiers in Iraq"?! The people who join the military have to understand that one day they could end up in the middle of front line. Why their families whine for the decicions the soldiers have made? I couldn't care a shit about a soldier abroad, because they have chosen their career. I do computers, they do guns, that's it. And remember, whiners, you could have a word, all you 100 million brainwashed flag worshippers.
I just went for the doctor today. She checked me and told me she wanted me to go to an ultrasound scan for the weird bumb in my belly. That visit cost me 18 dollars. Nothing else. I don't need to pay for the scan, I don't need to pay for further visits this year and what's best, I don't need to beg for charity. Everything in the US seems to be either insurance or charity. Here I know that once I've finished my education I'll go back to work and pay for someone else in my turn. If we go to war we're mostly done because our little country cannot afford self defence. We have 60 fighter planes, tanks and a small army but that wouldn't keep the US out of here for more than a few minutes if they decided that they wanted this land. But I can sleep my nights in peace. There is no point in anyone invading my homeland because we have nothing here, just fields, lakes and hills. No natural resources like oil.
Nature gets really back at the US for polluting, destroying and a million other things the government and people of the US have decided for their own good. I'm glad. Maybe this will teach the all-mighty-USA-people (I know they call themselves "americans" but so are the others who live on the two continent - so I'm not using it) a lesson they should remember for a couple of years. Does anyone remember how big they made 911? In the end it was just a series of stupid ignorance cased that led to to the destruction of the twin towers. That killed some firemen (I'm sure their relatives knew that being a fireman would carry a risk of death) and other people. So the fucking what? The whole 911 incident was about the Pentagon being a bunch of dumb asses.
What's funny about war and stuff is the fact that in the end there's a person that's getting all the blame. Take Bush for instance, he signs the forms his crew does and gives the final word, but he is - nevertheless - just one guy. Go ahead, people of US, blame Bush if that makes you feel better. But if all of the people in the US would state what they think and act what they think, he wouldn't be there giving those orders but there would be someone else. There's always got to be someone else to blame. All the 255 million (or whatever) people in the US could state "we just want to stay here and try not to rule the whole world". So stop whining if you get something back sometimes - whether it's nature or some other country trying to take the highest rank in the world.
US, deal with your own problems, such as the tens of thousands of homeless people, the crime rates, your financial situation, the kids in foster care, the healthcare system and get your own people happy with the money that's in the country and THEN go and try to rule the world, ok?
I'm so sick and tired hearing news in my own country - cuz the news is mainly about the closing hurricane Rita. I don't fuckin' care! I will NOT donate, I will not feel sorry and I hope no one else will too. Check your fucking front yard people. There are SUVs and sports cars, you like it big. That's your own fault that you need as much oil as you do because you drive big cars that need a lot of fuel to keep going. You and your SUV's "for the carpools and taking the kids to their hobbies". Take a look at your own country.
My fellow countrymen are so suckers for everything that comes from North America that it makes me sick! I hate it when little white boys dress like hip-hop stars and speak bad English just to look cool. Mostly the result is the opposite: not cool. I hate the teenage girls who think that the fact - that they get free and good education, free school meals to senior high school, free college - everyone has the opportunity here. The government gives as much as 600 dollars a month just for them to stay in school - is not enough, they want to go to "america" and be fucking supermodels. We can go to the doctor and pay 18 dollars three times a year and they can go as much as they like. If my people goes to dentist, they can either choose the public dentists that goes with the three-time-yearly-pay or private dentist which costs a lot - but the government returns some at least 75 % of the paid amount.
We have high taxes and low wages, but we don't have to pay our brains out if we get sick. We get cuts in our benefits, but the people in my country don't whine - not out loud at least - because we know we have chosen the ones who decide the budget and the cuts that are made.
US earns - what - like a million times more than my little country and they still cannot afford to teach their own people. They can afford war.
And why the hell are you whining "for the lost soldiers in Iraq"?! The people who join the military have to understand that one day they could end up in the middle of front line. Why their families whine for the decicions the soldiers have made? I couldn't care a shit about a soldier abroad, because they have chosen their career. I do computers, they do guns, that's it. And remember, whiners, you could have a word, all you 100 million brainwashed flag worshippers.
I just went for the doctor today. She checked me and told me she wanted me to go to an ultrasound scan for the weird bumb in my belly. That visit cost me 18 dollars. Nothing else. I don't need to pay for the scan, I don't need to pay for further visits this year and what's best, I don't need to beg for charity. Everything in the US seems to be either insurance or charity. Here I know that once I've finished my education I'll go back to work and pay for someone else in my turn. If we go to war we're mostly done because our little country cannot afford self defence. We have 60 fighter planes, tanks and a small army but that wouldn't keep the US out of here for more than a few minutes if they decided that they wanted this land. But I can sleep my nights in peace. There is no point in anyone invading my homeland because we have nothing here, just fields, lakes and hills. No natural resources like oil.
Tuesday
Dark thoughts today
I'm worried for my pet iguana. More than I'm worried about myself. What if he dies? How could I ever look at his terrarium empty, though most of the time I can't stand the little thing he does. How can one hate and love someone the same time? Iggy is sick and needs to be taken to a vet again. The last time he went was a week ago. I hate vets, maybe because sometimes pets taken to a vet will never come back and I don't want to give the terminal sentence to my pet. He's too little and too green to be put to sleep.
I know that if that day comes, that he's too sick to be cured, I will let him go. Right now I wouldn't even want to think of it.
It's fall, finally. Now I can say it, because it has been very cold for days and the leaves are turning yellow. I miss the real colors, though - Red and orange. But it has to be very cold at night - below zero - for the leaves to turn red.
It's two days to the release of Sims 2 Nightlife. Bet I won't sleep the night before that.
"This is how you remind me of what I really am."
I know that if that day comes, that he's too sick to be cured, I will let him go. Right now I wouldn't even want to think of it.
It's fall, finally. Now I can say it, because it has been very cold for days and the leaves are turning yellow. I miss the real colors, though - Red and orange. But it has to be very cold at night - below zero - for the leaves to turn red.
It's two days to the release of Sims 2 Nightlife. Bet I won't sleep the night before that.
"This is how you remind me of what I really am."
Monday
Do you think there're people on other planets?
"The Universe is a pretty big place... And the one thing I know about nature is it hates to waste anything. So I guess I'd say if it is just us, an awful lot of space is going to waste."
The movie Contact is one of my favorites for a long time. I read the script today just to spend my time between calls to the doctor. I've had this weirdy lump in my belly and on friday it started to hurt. I mean really hurt. So I went to the doctor's today and they didn't get an appointment. Their "books were full". I got an appointment on 21th September and 'til then I've just going to have to wait. What if my appendix decides to blow up in the mean time? Am I going to die? Some have died while waiting.
It's silly, I know. Only a few die. But anyway.
Gives me the creeps.
After our break- up two weeks ago, we've been trying to cope. I can't help it, though, that I keep having break-up -dreams night after night and I've been thinking if it would have been better for me to just take the first available apartment and get my butt out of his life for good.
I heard such things about his mind and the things he does, that I couldn't believe what I was hearing. That reminded me of how little we know about each other anyways. Well, what I know about him, mainly. I tell him everything - I even showed him this blog but he just kept letting me outside. Maybe that was the problem anyways. I've given him a 100% of my being and I don't even know how much he's given me.
It seems like an awful waste of time.
" I was given something wonderful.
Something that changed me. A vision
of the universe that made it
overwhelmingly clear just how tiny
and insignificant -- and at the same
time how rare and precious we all
are. A vision... that tells us we
belong to something greater than
ourselves... that we're not -- that
none of us -- is alone."
The movie Contact is one of my favorites for a long time. I read the script today just to spend my time between calls to the doctor. I've had this weirdy lump in my belly and on friday it started to hurt. I mean really hurt. So I went to the doctor's today and they didn't get an appointment. Their "books were full". I got an appointment on 21th September and 'til then I've just going to have to wait. What if my appendix decides to blow up in the mean time? Am I going to die? Some have died while waiting.
It's silly, I know. Only a few die. But anyway.
Gives me the creeps.
After our break- up two weeks ago, we've been trying to cope. I can't help it, though, that I keep having break-up -dreams night after night and I've been thinking if it would have been better for me to just take the first available apartment and get my butt out of his life for good.
I heard such things about his mind and the things he does, that I couldn't believe what I was hearing. That reminded me of how little we know about each other anyways. Well, what I know about him, mainly. I tell him everything - I even showed him this blog but he just kept letting me outside. Maybe that was the problem anyways. I've given him a 100% of my being and I don't even know how much he's given me.
It seems like an awful waste of time.
" I was given something wonderful.
Something that changed me. A vision
of the universe that made it
overwhelmingly clear just how tiny
and insignificant -- and at the same
time how rare and precious we all
are. A vision... that tells us we
belong to something greater than
ourselves... that we're not -- that
none of us -- is alone."
Tuesday
Sometimes Thoughts Just Go..
I just noticed, how CSI's Warrick (Gary Dourdan) has blueish eyes. I know the eye color hasn't got much to do with the skin color, but that surprised me. It could be possible, that there has been someone in his family - like - a hundred years ago, who had blue eyes, but anyways. I can only imagine how much fun it is to be smart and to understand things. Imagine the pleasure of new findings..
I have to return the JAVA course final test today. I've finished it, but I just don't want to send it because I could't answer some stuff and I really, really wanted to score 'cause I was trying to learn this time.
I have to return the JAVA course final test today. I've finished it, but I just don't want to send it because I could't answer some stuff and I really, really wanted to score 'cause I was trying to learn this time.
Monday
Good Morning, New Orleans
It's funny how the nature is always the culprit.
Last year it was the tsunami in Asia, in 2005, it's Katarina in the USA. You can't help it, really, and those events will repeat themselves year after year. I know this will hurt many people and some may say I'm being heartless, but this is the truth: nature has a right to do that. It was here long before us and will stay here after we are gone. We are a product, which went terribly wrong and now the nature fixing it.
I know I might be thinking differently if it happened here, but I do think that a) we deserve it - all of us and b) it's good for our little planet. I want you to think some things the other way this time... What if Hitler didn't destroy half of the jewish population in Europe? That would mean - what - two times the destroyed amount of people walking on earth. What if there was a cure for AIDS and it was available for everyone? Think that each woman in some of the countries will give birth to two to nine children. What if all those children survived and made more children? This is harsh, I know, but I think of it as a nature's way of trying to cope with it's mistakes.
And that's what we are, dear fellow people, mistakes. I'm glad to announce the whole new world library, the Internet, that I'm glad of nature's response to our irresponsibility - to my irresponsibility. I took a two -hour bath three days ago. I didn't presort my garbage yesterday. Katrina killed maybe thousands of people and destroyed one of the most beautiful cities in the world. You went to work alone in your car. And so did your neighbor. The tsunami last year took people.
I wonder if anyone else sees the pattern here.
No matter how smart monkeys we are, no matter how much money we have or where we live, nature WILL find its way to show us we are really nothing but a bulk of meat useless to other species than bugs that eventually will own us. Make a cure and there will be bacteria twice as dangerous.
Some of you have probably seen the movie The Day After Tomorrow?
You should. Definitely.
Last year it was the tsunami in Asia, in 2005, it's Katarina in the USA. You can't help it, really, and those events will repeat themselves year after year. I know this will hurt many people and some may say I'm being heartless, but this is the truth: nature has a right to do that. It was here long before us and will stay here after we are gone. We are a product, which went terribly wrong and now the nature fixing it.
I know I might be thinking differently if it happened here, but I do think that a) we deserve it - all of us and b) it's good for our little planet. I want you to think some things the other way this time... What if Hitler didn't destroy half of the jewish population in Europe? That would mean - what - two times the destroyed amount of people walking on earth. What if there was a cure for AIDS and it was available for everyone? Think that each woman in some of the countries will give birth to two to nine children. What if all those children survived and made more children? This is harsh, I know, but I think of it as a nature's way of trying to cope with it's mistakes.
And that's what we are, dear fellow people, mistakes. I'm glad to announce the whole new world library, the Internet, that I'm glad of nature's response to our irresponsibility - to my irresponsibility. I took a two -hour bath three days ago. I didn't presort my garbage yesterday. Katrina killed maybe thousands of people and destroyed one of the most beautiful cities in the world. You went to work alone in your car. And so did your neighbor. The tsunami last year took people.
I wonder if anyone else sees the pattern here.
No matter how smart monkeys we are, no matter how much money we have or where we live, nature WILL find its way to show us we are really nothing but a bulk of meat useless to other species than bugs that eventually will own us. Make a cure and there will be bacteria twice as dangerous.
Some of you have probably seen the movie The Day After Tomorrow?
You should. Definitely.
Tuesday
Hot
The more I look at his movies, the hotter he looks. I think I like guys with long hair after all. Well, that doesn't matter at all.
The fall is almost here.
Can't wait, really.
Some of the leaves has turned yellow already and the nights are getting darker day by day. Somehow that thought makes me feel so... umm... dark.
The fall is almost here.
Can't wait, really.
Some of the leaves has turned yellow already and the nights are getting darker day by day. Somehow that thought makes me feel so... umm... dark.
Monday
I Hate JAVA
Today I had a test on JAVA. I had been reading for three days but I noticed very quickly, that the things I read were totally NOT something that was being asked. I ended up writing some really dumb stuff and walked out laughing. I just finished a demo this morning and all the stuff was working. I can do it, but I can't tell what's a "method". How silly is that? I felt really dumb. And ashamed.
Friday
The August Male Top 5
A new number one again, but before that, a few words. Josh Hartnett is out of the list - I finally noticed that he's not even good looking.
May I present the number FIVE on the list:
A new entry, Mr...
Clive Owen
Though Clive isn't what people call "gorgeous" there's something about his face I can't quite understand but that put him in the same group with Steven Brand, Gerard Butler and Colin Firth on my previos lists. Old, but gorgeous farts.
Number FOUR, dear reader, is a new entree as well:
Ewan McGregor
I remember him in Trainspotting. I liked him then, but when I learned that he really sings in Moulin Rouge, my respect jumped sky-high. He represents the next door guy look, but still has an unique face with a blend of British and - oddly - Finnish looks. I haven't seen The Island yet, but he's the reason I will spend my money to pay for the ticket.
From the third place, we can find my ever-favorite, Mr.
Gerard Butler
Just because I haven't seen a pair of eyes prettier than these.
Mr 2 is, again, a new entree
Chris Evans
With a swimmers' body, a pretty face and dark hair matching the blueish eyes, this guy is almost the man of my dreams. Starred in the movie Cellular and currently in the terrible Marvel comic based movie Fantastic Four ( though I noticed he's great in a goofball role ).
Mr August, is
Mr July. Jamie Durie. Nothing beats the accent and the body.
May I present the number FIVE on the list:
A new entry, Mr...
Clive Owen
Though Clive isn't what people call "gorgeous" there's something about his face I can't quite understand but that put him in the same group with Steven Brand, Gerard Butler and Colin Firth on my previos lists. Old, but gorgeous farts.
Number FOUR, dear reader, is a new entree as well:
Ewan McGregor
I remember him in Trainspotting. I liked him then, but when I learned that he really sings in Moulin Rouge, my respect jumped sky-high. He represents the next door guy look, but still has an unique face with a blend of British and - oddly - Finnish looks. I haven't seen The Island yet, but he's the reason I will spend my money to pay for the ticket.
From the third place, we can find my ever-favorite, Mr.
Gerard Butler
Just because I haven't seen a pair of eyes prettier than these.
Mr 2 is, again, a new entree
Chris Evans
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With a swimmers' body, a pretty face and dark hair matching the blueish eyes, this guy is almost the man of my dreams. Starred in the movie Cellular and currently in the terrible Marvel comic based movie Fantastic Four ( though I noticed he's great in a goofball role ).
Mr August, is
Mr July. Jamie Durie. Nothing beats the accent and the body.
Please notice that the links go to sites with copyrights.
The pictures on those sites belong to whomever they belong to.
I linked without asking a permission.
If that bothers you, why the hell did you put the pics online.
Great. Just Great.
How can one SMS make one feel so... worthless? I was sleeping an hour after midnight when I received a message from a friend I admire and adore - and I'm happy I didn't read it til 5 am this morning. . The message was: "When are we gonna go clubbing? I can fit into my dress now."
I haven't heard a word from her for like two months and then she asks when I'm gonna take her out?! I replied: "Are you sure you've got the number right because I can't fit into my dress." She promised in May that she'd take me jogging twice every week but never didn't. And she's normal weight. She's too thin, actually, and she "fits into" her dress. I should have replied "fuck off and let me feel sorry for myself." But then I decided to shock myself to have a kickstart to go to weightwatchers but I got a different kind of shock. I had lost three kilos since the last time I checked four weeks ago. Without lifting a finger. That's it for the kickstart. But there's one thing in my mind that - I think - has had an effect in my eating. A month or so ago I was walking downtown and a car full of teenage boys drove by. One of them opened a window and yelled "A hundred kilos - Full of fun" or something like that. That killed me - mainly because I'm not even near hundred.
I have to code tons of JAVA for Monday. Have I even started? No. I'll probably manage to start on Sunday morning and maybe have something finished by Monday afternoon. The last time I had to make demos, I started the day before and barely finished with stuff I can't even understand. But I guess I didn't do everything wrong because the guy who checked didn't have to do much corrections and I passed the course :D
I decided to forget about the med school. The odds for me actually getting in are rather small because I wasn't so keen studying chemistry and physics in high school. Instead, I decided that in three years I'll be working for Pixar Animation Studios. As a coffeemaker.
Time to go to bed. Good morning. ;)
I haven't heard a word from her for like two months and then she asks when I'm gonna take her out?! I replied: "Are you sure you've got the number right because I can't fit into my dress." She promised in May that she'd take me jogging twice every week but never didn't. And she's normal weight. She's too thin, actually, and she "fits into" her dress. I should have replied "fuck off and let me feel sorry for myself." But then I decided to shock myself to have a kickstart to go to weightwatchers but I got a different kind of shock. I had lost three kilos since the last time I checked four weeks ago. Without lifting a finger. That's it for the kickstart. But there's one thing in my mind that - I think - has had an effect in my eating. A month or so ago I was walking downtown and a car full of teenage boys drove by. One of them opened a window and yelled "A hundred kilos - Full of fun" or something like that. That killed me - mainly because I'm not even near hundred.
I have to code tons of JAVA for Monday. Have I even started? No. I'll probably manage to start on Sunday morning and maybe have something finished by Monday afternoon. The last time I had to make demos, I started the day before and barely finished with stuff I can't even understand. But I guess I didn't do everything wrong because the guy who checked didn't have to do much corrections and I passed the course :D
I decided to forget about the med school. The odds for me actually getting in are rather small because I wasn't so keen studying chemistry and physics in high school. Instead, I decided that in three years I'll be working for Pixar Animation Studios. As a coffeemaker.
Time to go to bed. Good morning. ;)
July Top Male
Ok, ppl.
We have a new number one. He's the reason I watched a whole episode of The Block (yes, they're airing it here now).
1. Jamie Durie.
What more can you ask from a man? He's drop dead gorgeous (what was I thinkin about Gerard Butler - he's a stupid fag compared to this one), he's a gardener, he's a former gymnast, a model and what's best: He has an Australian accent. Couldn't find a decent picture of him, though he is a model and everything.
There won't be numbers from two to five this month.
Oh, forgot.
I've had a series of good dreams.
We have a new number one. He's the reason I watched a whole episode of The Block (yes, they're airing it here now).
1. Jamie Durie.
What more can you ask from a man? He's drop dead gorgeous (what was I thinkin about Gerard Butler - he's a stupid fag compared to this one), he's a gardener, he's a former gymnast, a model and what's best: He has an Australian accent. Couldn't find a decent picture of him, though he is a model and everything.
There won't be numbers from two to five this month.
Oh, forgot.
I've had a series of good dreams.
Thursday
Top 5 Males For June
It's time for a new number one!
1. Patrick Wilson
I didn't like him with a long hair in Phantom of the Opera, but in the picture he reminds me of a guy I dated for a month or so. And he can sing! He sings like an angel. I hope he'll never try his wings on popular music business. He's too beautiful to be "commercialized".
2. Steven Brand
I hope he's not gay too. But at least he's been married a couple of times. I wouldn't be surprised though, 'cause most of the guys that attract my attention appear to be gay(ish).
3. Gerard Butler
He gets more and more gorgeous every day. His eyes are just something I can't understand. I'm still sure he's gay. There are things that say yes to that fact: He isn't engaged. He takes his mother to parties. He is a charmer - both on and off-screen - and still isn't engaged. He has a lawyer's degree so he isn't stupid. He meets beautiful and clever women every day and isn't engaged. And I found thousands of rumors of him being gay just a minute ago when I Googled. And he has said: "I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm just me". Which means he hasn't come out of the closet yet. My heart just broke - and that for he lost the number one spot. In the other hand, He'd be out of the list if he got married.
4. Orlando Bloom
Now this is only Orlando as Legolas. In my opinion, he should have stayed as a blondie with funny ears. Basically the only long-haired guy who I'd date.
5. Jake Gyllenhaal
The neighbor boy.
Tune for the Guy of the month:
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
I just want you to know who I am
1. Patrick Wilson
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I didn't like him with a long hair in Phantom of the Opera, but in the picture he reminds me of a guy I dated for a month or so. And he can sing! He sings like an angel. I hope he'll never try his wings on popular music business. He's too beautiful to be "commercialized".
2. Steven Brand
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I hope he's not gay too. But at least he's been married a couple of times. I wouldn't be surprised though, 'cause most of the guys that attract my attention appear to be gay(ish).
3. Gerard Butler
He gets more and more gorgeous every day. His eyes are just something I can't understand. I'm still sure he's gay. There are things that say yes to that fact: He isn't engaged. He takes his mother to parties. He is a charmer - both on and off-screen - and still isn't engaged. He has a lawyer's degree so he isn't stupid. He meets beautiful and clever women every day and isn't engaged. And I found thousands of rumors of him being gay just a minute ago when I Googled. And he has said: "I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm just me". Which means he hasn't come out of the closet yet. My heart just broke - and that for he lost the number one spot. In the other hand, He'd be out of the list if he got married.
4. Orlando Bloom
Now this is only Orlando as Legolas. In my opinion, he should have stayed as a blondie with funny ears. Basically the only long-haired guy who I'd date.
5. Jake Gyllenhaal
The neighbor boy.
Tune for the Guy of the month:
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
I just want you to know who I am
Tiituu
When I was little, my father took a piece of wood and carved me a boat. He made a little sail too and asked what I'd like it to be named. Tiituu, I said. He carved the name and my boat was ready. We lived in the very northest part of the country those days, but it was an exceptionally warm summer. He took me to a little river and said "This takes out to the polar sea - It's open right now. Want to set it free?" I wanted the boat to be free but I didn't want to release it, because it was my boat and I loved daddy who made it... I asked him to release it for me. He put it on water and it went along with the current. I remembered that boat last night when I was in my bed waiting to fall asleep. As the years go by, I remember that boat time to time - and wonder if it really made it to the sea. And sometimes, just sometimes, I think I should have kept it as memory of a beautiful day in a time everything was okay.
Tune of the moment:
Lifehouse - Walking Away
Hey
Remember me
I remember you
Walking away
Tune of the moment:
Lifehouse - Walking Away
Hey
Remember me
I remember you
Walking away
Sunday
Phantom
Today I spent a few hours watching a movie called The Phantom of the Opera. Then I watched it again. And again. I didn't like the way Gerry sings most of the time, but he - even with a tormented face - looks heavenly good. The music is so beautiful and the end scene made me cry. Haha. I seem to be crying very often nowadays. I liked it very much and am ashamed I didn't go to the movies to see it to view it on big screen. There's one more thing: I can never go see it in the opera. For me, phantom's face will always be Gerry's.
The best part is when Christine is forced to make a choice between the Phantom and Raoul. She sings: "Angel of music" with such a feeling...
Pitiful creature of darkness
What kind of life have you known ?
God give me courage
to show you
you are not alone
The best part is when Christine is forced to make a choice between the Phantom and Raoul. She sings: "Angel of music" with such a feeling...
Pitiful creature of darkness
What kind of life have you known ?
God give me courage
to show you
you are not alone
Monday
Old Photographs
I went through some of my old stuff and found a bunch of pictures. I hate the memories they bring though they are pictures of moments of fun, love and caring. I hate them because it's all those pictures are: Memories.
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there.
Thursday
First Thunder
Ok, so I was sitting at the computer with windows open when I heard the thunder. No lightnings yet and the front is already passing by. I hope it doesn't bring rain 'cause I was supposed to go biking before doing my homework and housework. Guess I won't be doing that today if it starts raining as much as it did the day before yesterday: it was pouring.
... Ok. It started raining. Figures.
Tune of the moment:
Ayumi Hamasaki - Still Alone (Warp Brothers Extended Mix)
kimi wa itsu mo konna basho de
konna keshiki wo mite
dore kurai no fuan to mayoi to
tatakatte'ta no?
hitori ni natte hajimete
wakaru koto ga ookute
... Ok. It started raining. Figures.
Tune of the moment:
Ayumi Hamasaki - Still Alone (Warp Brothers Extended Mix)
kimi wa itsu mo konna basho de
konna keshiki wo mite
dore kurai no fuan to mayoi to
tatakatte'ta no?
hitori ni natte hajimete
wakaru koto ga ookute
Friday
So Beautiful
Dang.
Enough Natural Selection for me. I had a dream last night about my iguana xenosiding.
I was trying to do some school stuff last night (the day before due date of course) and I ended up downloading some mp3's. I came across with a song that just made me stop for awhile. Maybe it was about the frustration (WHY the hell can't Access support real SQL but the weirdy version of Microsoft?) or the fact that it was almost 4 am, but when I heard the song it just made tears rolling down my face. It was something so beautiful and I can't understand the weak moment I had.
Well, I guess I'll go and buy the whole album.
And I also found an excellent trance anthem: Sash - Together Again (Perfection Trance Remix 2005)
The lyrics of the tune of the day really don't mean that much, but the way that dude sings just makes my heart melt down.
The tune of today:
Lifehouse - Into the Sun
I never meant to let you go
Why did I leave maybe we'll never know
But I'm a man now broken on the ground
I'm in need and I think that it shows
All this time we're going nowhere and we know it
I was so blind
All the lights are leading to where you're going
I'm not far behind
And now we're running into the sun
Getting close to something into the sun
You know that we're falling
We're falling back into the sun
Enough Natural Selection for me. I had a dream last night about my iguana xenosiding.
I was trying to do some school stuff last night (the day before due date of course) and I ended up downloading some mp3's. I came across with a song that just made me stop for awhile. Maybe it was about the frustration (WHY the hell can't Access support real SQL but the weirdy version of Microsoft?) or the fact that it was almost 4 am, but when I heard the song it just made tears rolling down my face. It was something so beautiful and I can't understand the weak moment I had.
Well, I guess I'll go and buy the whole album.
And I also found an excellent trance anthem: Sash - Together Again (Perfection Trance Remix 2005)
The lyrics of the tune of the day really don't mean that much, but the way that dude sings just makes my heart melt down.
The tune of today:
Lifehouse - Into the Sun
I never meant to let you go
Why did I leave maybe we'll never know
But I'm a man now broken on the ground
I'm in need and I think that it shows
All this time we're going nowhere and we know it
I was so blind
All the lights are leading to where you're going
I'm not far behind
And now we're running into the sun
Getting close to something into the sun
You know that we're falling
We're falling back into the sun
Monday
I'm so high I can hear heaven.
I had one of those crazy dreams again. I could modify a house any way I wanted - as in the Sims. I could move walls, make windows and stuff, then install myself in the scene. I've been playing too much sims 2 lately, it seems.
Well, my DreamGuy is back. As handsome as ever. It's funny how the dream guy has changed since I was a kid. Today he seems to be a mixture of all my favorite male types.
I should be working on some accounting stuff. But I'd rather be sleeping.
Oh, what a wake-up call this morning at nine: they were testing the general alarm systems of the city (the ones given in case of war, nuclear power plant accidents etc). I slept with my window open, so I really heard it and was like "WTF? did they launch the north Korean missile here? Shit. I have to take some water to the shelter!" I had a good laugh when I finally understood how silly I was.
I hope they will never sound the alarm for real.
Top 5 Males for May
1. Gerard Butler
Oh-my-god. I hope he's gay and no girl gets him.
2. Steven Brand
There's something in his eyes.
3. Colin Firth
He's butt ugly. But drop dead gorgeous.
4. Keanu Reeves
Do you remember him before the Matrix? I can.
5. Colin Farrel
Farrel as a SWAT dude gives me the hots.
Reviewing that list.. geez.. I'm 24. They're like- what- 40+?
Well, my DreamGuy is back. As handsome as ever. It's funny how the dream guy has changed since I was a kid. Today he seems to be a mixture of all my favorite male types.
I should be working on some accounting stuff. But I'd rather be sleeping.
Oh, what a wake-up call this morning at nine: they were testing the general alarm systems of the city (the ones given in case of war, nuclear power plant accidents etc). I slept with my window open, so I really heard it and was like "WTF? did they launch the north Korean missile here? Shit. I have to take some water to the shelter!" I had a good laugh when I finally understood how silly I was.
I hope they will never sound the alarm for real.
Top 5 Males for May
1. Gerard Butler
Oh-my-god. I hope he's gay and no girl gets him.
2. Steven Brand
There's something in his eyes.
3. Colin Firth
He's butt ugly. But drop dead gorgeous.
4. Keanu Reeves
Do you remember him before the Matrix? I can.
5. Colin Farrel
Farrel as a SWAT dude gives me the hots.
Reviewing that list.. geez.. I'm 24. They're like- what- 40+?
Thursday
I Don't Want To Wake Up
Last night I had a dream. Actually this morning. But it was - again - one of those dreams that made my day perfect. Nothing can make me pissed off today. This dream, though, I cannot write it down. It was something so beautiful, so promising, so.. Waking up was a very big disappointment, though it happened at 1 pm. I wish that now, over an hour later, I'd still remember all the faces and names, the places and feelings. I wish, I wish, I wish, someone would make it possible to record dreams because sometimes a good dream just makes it all better. I haven't slept this well for months.
Found another gorgeous guy. I seem to like -ehem- older men. But this one is charming as hell.
Steven Brand, dear reader.
Found another gorgeous guy. I seem to like -ehem- older men. But this one is charming as hell.
Steven Brand, dear reader.
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Wednesday
Receptor
I've been in the middle of strange events since I was just a kid - and I will share them all - as detailed as I can. Let start with the B'n'B stay when I was 7. I remember the house we went into. It was old, at least 110 years old. It had been a farm but a family started a BnB there twenty years ago. I was left there with the owner lady while my stepdad and mother went to get some stuff from the local grocery store. The lady took me for a walk through the house and everywhere we went, I started feeling more and more insecure. The lady was nice, but something in that house kept me in a verge of breaking to tears. I was supposed to get a single room and the lady asked me to choose. First, she took me to the attic. There were three very small single rooms. The first one I felt nice with lace curtains and white bedsheets. There were flowers in the room, pink, I remember. I was curios then and wanted to see all the possibilities before choosing. So on we went. The next room didn't have a window and I didn't even want to get in. The third room had a spinning wheel, a chest and a closet, bed and a small bedside table. all made of the same wood. I felt instant disgust there and ran to the second floor hallway and refused to go back to the third floor. The lady didn't ask what's wrong, she just showed me the next room. I was scared and wanted my mother back. I knew she would get mad for me behaving so badly and that made me feel bad. The lady took me to a very large room with whale bones on the wall. It was a very large room - bigger than our apartment - and the only one I wanted to stay in. So I choose that room. I guess I should have slept in the car. By the time my mother and stepdad went to take pints in the pub in the village I was left there alone. I had a book, my toys and I felt better in that large room. Until I had to go to bed. There was no sound in that house. I mean NO sound. Old houses should make creeking sounds, taps, everything. This one didn't. It was so silent I swear I felt like an elephant in a antiques shop when moving in my bed. It doesn't get really dark at night here when it's summer, but the whale bones had a strange glow on them. Then a voice. Just a whisper started humming a song. I know that song was being sung by the original inhabitants of this country, the Samis (I'm 1/4 sami too) a hundred or so years ago. It was a soft voice, like a mother's voice singing. It was supposed to make me sleep but the effect was quite the opposite. I had trouble keeping myself from screaming. Then silence again. I was scared but tired - and soon fell asleep and had terrible nightmares that night. Of course I got laughed at in the morning. But hey, I can still remember the smell of that house, doesn't it tell everyone that something happened for me to remember it?
When I was nine I saw the death of my friends' baby sister in my dream. She died a few weeks later. It was SIDS.
We played with an OUIJA board on my 10th birtday party. Of course the board didn't answer in questions such as "whom I'm gonna marry", but something answer. We all knew we weren't supposed to ask someone to give us a sign if someone was there, but we didn't believe it would actually happen to us, so we asked. It started as a knock on the front door. we thought Marianna's father came to pick her up, so we opened it. No one there. And no footprints on the snow. We got scared, put all the garden and indoor lights on but the sounds didn't stop. The knocking went on and on so we put our clothes on, took flashlights, put the lights off and ran outside. We walked to my friends house and from there I called to my mother's NMT phone and told her I was going to stay at her place tonight. The Ouija board.. well, I touched it once after that. I burned it.
This happened when I was 11. My mother bought a hotel and started running it. Later I learned that it was built on a war-time German camp. By the time my mother started the business, She didn't know it either but was soon to learn. My first strange event in that place was in the room 1. I was helping an employee to clean up the rooms and went to take the sheets of the bed in the room seven. I saw movement in the corner of my eye, so I started talking with the employee. I had a little crush on him and jumped when I felt his hand on my shoulder. A cold hand and turned around. There was no one in the room. I freaked an ran out. I never put my feet in that room again. The same day I felt a presence in the employees lounge in the back. Then, a few months later - it was saturday morning I think well before the breakfast was served - when I went to the pub attached to the restaurant. I never liked that place anyway with all the red carpets and seats an paint. I put the lights on, but it was still dark. I went to see if there was money on the floor and suddenly felt an old man watching me. I got scared because I knew then I wasn't supposed to talk to strangers and I knew how bad old men could be. I turned to face him and walk away - but there was no one there. Now, these were the incidents that I faced, but my mother got worse. She was in the bar late one evening talking with the singer lady who had performed that evening. Me and my kid sisters were sleeping in one of the hotel rooms that night, because my stepdad was visiting some friends of his and mum couldn't get a baby sitter and couldn't leave me babysitting as I was sick. I was well asleep when she rushed into the hotel room and was suprised to find us three sleeping. Mum and the singer had heard children crying and thought it was us. There were no kids visiting that hotel. There was one more time that something strange happened before my mum refused to be alone in the hotel after closing hours. She was closing the register and cleaning at the bar after closing the doors. She saw two "things" walk by to the fireplace room. She went there to ask what they were doing there, but found no one. She called the employee from the back room to chat with him. Then one of the empty beer bottles on the counter broke up crashing. She later described it was "as if someone lifted the bottle and crashed it in the table". And another one. See, empty bottles can't really break unless something helps them. A few months later a famous artist came in for a show.
The evening J's father died we went to bed as normal. Soon after falling to sleep, I woke up and was like wtf. Then J's cell phone rang. I woke him up and told him to answer the phone and before he did, I told him: "it's about your father". What is strange, the last time we saw him alive I forced J to go and tell him he loved him dearly. He thanked me later for that, but somehow I knew then it was the last time he was going to see him alive and I have never got the guts to tell him I felt his death weeks before he died and was so scared of him I couldn't speak to him because I have a terrible tanatophobia. J still thinks I didn't like his father when I tried to avoid contact with him. Somehow I know he understood. It's sort of funny that J's sister told us that they all felt terrible emptiness for the last few hour of his life, but after he took his last breath, they felt as if he was there.
And of course there are the things I've written on this blog earlier this year. When I'm typing this it's 4:30 pm, the sun is still shining out there and it's warm outside. I'm getting cold chills and all my body hair is as if I was standing in an electric field.
When I was nine I saw the death of my friends' baby sister in my dream. She died a few weeks later. It was SIDS.
We played with an OUIJA board on my 10th birtday party. Of course the board didn't answer in questions such as "whom I'm gonna marry", but something answer. We all knew we weren't supposed to ask someone to give us a sign if someone was there, but we didn't believe it would actually happen to us, so we asked. It started as a knock on the front door. we thought Marianna's father came to pick her up, so we opened it. No one there. And no footprints on the snow. We got scared, put all the garden and indoor lights on but the sounds didn't stop. The knocking went on and on so we put our clothes on, took flashlights, put the lights off and ran outside. We walked to my friends house and from there I called to my mother's NMT phone and told her I was going to stay at her place tonight. The Ouija board.. well, I touched it once after that. I burned it.
This happened when I was 11. My mother bought a hotel and started running it. Later I learned that it was built on a war-time German camp. By the time my mother started the business, She didn't know it either but was soon to learn. My first strange event in that place was in the room 1. I was helping an employee to clean up the rooms and went to take the sheets of the bed in the room seven. I saw movement in the corner of my eye, so I started talking with the employee. I had a little crush on him and jumped when I felt his hand on my shoulder. A cold hand and turned around. There was no one in the room. I freaked an ran out. I never put my feet in that room again. The same day I felt a presence in the employees lounge in the back. Then, a few months later - it was saturday morning I think well before the breakfast was served - when I went to the pub attached to the restaurant. I never liked that place anyway with all the red carpets and seats an paint. I put the lights on, but it was still dark. I went to see if there was money on the floor and suddenly felt an old man watching me. I got scared because I knew then I wasn't supposed to talk to strangers and I knew how bad old men could be. I turned to face him and walk away - but there was no one there. Now, these were the incidents that I faced, but my mother got worse. She was in the bar late one evening talking with the singer lady who had performed that evening. Me and my kid sisters were sleeping in one of the hotel rooms that night, because my stepdad was visiting some friends of his and mum couldn't get a baby sitter and couldn't leave me babysitting as I was sick. I was well asleep when she rushed into the hotel room and was suprised to find us three sleeping. Mum and the singer had heard children crying and thought it was us. There were no kids visiting that hotel. There was one more time that something strange happened before my mum refused to be alone in the hotel after closing hours. She was closing the register and cleaning at the bar after closing the doors. She saw two "things" walk by to the fireplace room. She went there to ask what they were doing there, but found no one. She called the employee from the back room to chat with him. Then one of the empty beer bottles on the counter broke up crashing. She later described it was "as if someone lifted the bottle and crashed it in the table". And another one. See, empty bottles can't really break unless something helps them. A few months later a famous artist came in for a show.
The evening J's father died we went to bed as normal. Soon after falling to sleep, I woke up and was like wtf. Then J's cell phone rang. I woke him up and told him to answer the phone and before he did, I told him: "it's about your father". What is strange, the last time we saw him alive I forced J to go and tell him he loved him dearly. He thanked me later for that, but somehow I knew then it was the last time he was going to see him alive and I have never got the guts to tell him I felt his death weeks before he died and was so scared of him I couldn't speak to him because I have a terrible tanatophobia. J still thinks I didn't like his father when I tried to avoid contact with him. Somehow I know he understood. It's sort of funny that J's sister told us that they all felt terrible emptiness for the last few hour of his life, but after he took his last breath, they felt as if he was there.
And of course there are the things I've written on this blog earlier this year. When I'm typing this it's 4:30 pm, the sun is still shining out there and it's warm outside. I'm getting cold chills and all my body hair is as if I was standing in an electric field.
Friday
Kissing
Not that I would do what I'm thinking of - it just occured to me that a certain feeling disappears after the first kiss you share with someone. I'm not sure everyone understands what I'm saying, but I will try to explain it: You know when you hear a song that just makes you close your eyes and stand still - you simply forget where you were going and what you were thinking just before you turned the radio on. That's the feeling you get when you kiss someone for the very first time. It's a little twitch in your tummy just a blink of an eye before the kiss - when you suddenly realize that the moment is going to lead to a kiss and you really, really like the one who's standing there in front of you. And it's an one-time-offer only - it will never happen again with this same person. I can barely remember the feeling but I have this strange anxiety (I guess it's about the springtime) that I have to feel it again. But no worries, I have no plans of making it happen. I just keep thinking that it's something one loses after making a promise of staying together with someone for the rest of one's life.
The tune of the moment - it's 3am now - is something that feels like the first kiss with someone special. Every single time. Listen to this. Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata (Op 27 No 2 for piano in D-minor is the one I have)
More about kissing. Have you ever had disappointments? You really wait for the courage to kiss someone and when the moment finally comes the person is a bad kisser - or his breath stinks - or he tries to stick his tongue right through your head - OR he just feels like eating a snail, wet, loose and - ummm, well, you know - boring. One very big disappointment was a friend of mine who I really badly wanted to kiss me and whom I had a big crush. When he finally did, I went numb - He is a tall, strong and goodlooking guy who kisses like he thinks he would break the one he's kissing. I felt thunderstruck - in the bad meaning. I've had the other end too: a guy - another crush again - was a perfect kisser for me and every time he kissed me I had to struggle not to start dancing. But that first kiss sting was there only once.
It's strange, this, how us humans - we ended up like this. No other animal on this planet kisses like we do - and if they did, it wouldn't mean so much to them as it feels for a human. A kiss is a seal of a faithful friendship, dedication - or pure desire. It can start and end a relationship, it makes promises but can be a lie too.
The tune of the moment - it's 3am now - is something that feels like the first kiss with someone special. Every single time. Listen to this. Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata (Op 27 No 2 for piano in D-minor is the one I have)
More about kissing. Have you ever had disappointments? You really wait for the courage to kiss someone and when the moment finally comes the person is a bad kisser - or his breath stinks - or he tries to stick his tongue right through your head - OR he just feels like eating a snail, wet, loose and - ummm, well, you know - boring. One very big disappointment was a friend of mine who I really badly wanted to kiss me and whom I had a big crush. When he finally did, I went numb - He is a tall, strong and goodlooking guy who kisses like he thinks he would break the one he's kissing. I felt thunderstruck - in the bad meaning. I've had the other end too: a guy - another crush again - was a perfect kisser for me and every time he kissed me I had to struggle not to start dancing. But that first kiss sting was there only once.
It's strange, this, how us humans - we ended up like this. No other animal on this planet kisses like we do - and if they did, it wouldn't mean so much to them as it feels for a human. A kiss is a seal of a faithful friendship, dedication - or pure desire. It can start and end a relationship, it makes promises but can be a lie too.
Wednesday
No. No, No And No
No, I don't want to do anything. I don't feel like doing assignments, attending to classes, going nowhere. Nothing, actually. I wish I could just stop breathing and be.
Memory
I just remembered a song I used to like very much. I was in love with a guy whose last name is close to "happinesville". In those days, I was seeing a guy I liked very much and ended up dating him for a year or so, but this one was a trophy I won. Me and a friend of mine were both interested in this Happinesville guy, but back then I was young and thin and she was more like me today. I didn't actually want that guy in the beginning, it was all about the competition, but when I visited his place for the first time and he was so shyly telling me that he'd been watching me for ages and hoping that I'd see him too.... Well, I chose the other guy.
Today I remembered the song he wanted me to hear. We danced the song on our first date. Usually I don't put the whole lyrics here, but I think I'll make an exception this time. For the memories. The tune of the moment is (I wish I heard it):
Cue - Burnin'
I don't think I know you,
don't think I ever will
Am I in love with you,
Well I don't know still
It may sound strange
but I'm warning you
I may not be that nice
Maybe baby I
'm a heart breaker
heart breaker
heart of ice
But I'm burnin'burnin'
'cos you set my soul on fire
Girl, I dont know what I'll do
'Cos I'm burnin'
I'm burnin'
I'm burnin' with desire
Yes I'm burnin'
and it's all because of you
We can't be together
I'm not that kind of a guy
I'll be gone and lost forever
and you won't know why
Don't get me wrong
I'm only warning you
you'd be on your own
Today I remembered the song he wanted me to hear. We danced the song on our first date. Usually I don't put the whole lyrics here, but I think I'll make an exception this time. For the memories. The tune of the moment is (I wish I heard it):
Cue - Burnin'
I don't think I know you,
don't think I ever will
Am I in love with you,
Well I don't know still
It may sound strange
but I'm warning you
I may not be that nice
Maybe baby I
'm a heart breaker
heart breaker
heart of ice
But I'm burnin'burnin'
'cos you set my soul on fire
Girl, I dont know what I'll do
'Cos I'm burnin'
I'm burnin'
I'm burnin' with desire
Yes I'm burnin'
and it's all because of you
We can't be together
I'm not that kind of a guy
I'll be gone and lost forever
and you won't know why
Don't get me wrong
I'm only warning you
you'd be on your own
Not!
I should be doing a ton of things but I really don't find myself interested in anything. I should do three assignments by the end of this week and there's only one I've started, but it seems there is a lot more to do than this I'm doing right now. I got a peek on some of the stuff the other people have made and it seems that I'm going to have a bad grade on this course. Baka!
Now, it's three days to my birthday. I was planning on what to get for the party and I noticed that even though I know how to make drinks, I have absolutely no idea on how to make punch. Really. Maybe drinks, then. And there are at least four who don't drink and all the boy's won't go clubbing afterwards. I also noticed that 80% of friends I have are boys. Strange for a straight girl.
I'm so tired and having a class in five mins. I couldn't care less - actually, but I have to learn something in this school to earn my student allowance.
The tune of the day is a song I recently discovered:
Howie Day - Collide
Now, it's three days to my birthday. I was planning on what to get for the party and I noticed that even though I know how to make drinks, I have absolutely no idea on how to make punch. Really. Maybe drinks, then. And there are at least four who don't drink and all the boy's won't go clubbing afterwards. I also noticed that 80% of friends I have are boys. Strange for a straight girl.
I'm so tired and having a class in five mins. I couldn't care less - actually, but I have to learn something in this school to earn my student allowance.
The tune of the day is a song I recently discovered:
Howie Day - Collide
Tuesday
Fuck It
I'm still sick.
Today I felt really good when I woke up at 7 am. I put my clothes on, put some make up, made my hair.. and then it started again. It's in the knees first, a stinging feeling that gets worse as you move. I knew that and took a painkiller. Then I started to feel lightheaded - just like yesterday. Then I felt like I was about to throw up. I should be in bed right now, but I have some assignments to be finished tomorrow - I haven't even started. I had an appointment to doctor, but I couldn't go on friday - went too sick and didn't even remember that appointment. Shit.
I spent the whole weekend at home as J was working overtime (for the whole weekend, right) and I learnt some Japanese. I learned how to say: "it's cold outside" and "it's warm outside". I also learned the numbers from 1 to 99 so I'll understand when I hear numbers. I also learned that when someone says "atari" it means I did well. Not to forget that I learned how to say good morning, let's eat, good night, my name is & some other stuff. Let's see if I can still remember those tomorrow.
The sun is shining and I want to go out, but I'm too afraid - what if I throw up?
I have to go to school today - but not because of that cute teacher. They are teaching 3DstudioMax and it's been a while since I used it, 'cause I'm learning ScetchUp. Let's hope that after I've eaten, I feel better.
Ittedakimasu!
Today I felt really good when I woke up at 7 am. I put my clothes on, put some make up, made my hair.. and then it started again. It's in the knees first, a stinging feeling that gets worse as you move. I knew that and took a painkiller. Then I started to feel lightheaded - just like yesterday. Then I felt like I was about to throw up. I should be in bed right now, but I have some assignments to be finished tomorrow - I haven't even started. I had an appointment to doctor, but I couldn't go on friday - went too sick and didn't even remember that appointment. Shit.
I spent the whole weekend at home as J was working overtime (for the whole weekend, right) and I learnt some Japanese. I learned how to say: "it's cold outside" and "it's warm outside". I also learned the numbers from 1 to 99 so I'll understand when I hear numbers. I also learned that when someone says "atari" it means I did well. Not to forget that I learned how to say good morning, let's eat, good night, my name is & some other stuff. Let's see if I can still remember those tomorrow.
The sun is shining and I want to go out, but I'm too afraid - what if I throw up?
I have to go to school today - but not because of that cute teacher. They are teaching 3DstudioMax and it's been a while since I used it, 'cause I'm learning ScetchUp. Let's hope that after I've eaten, I feel better.
Ittedakimasu!
Friday
Not ANOTHER One..
Again, one friend of mine just sent me a message: they're having a baby. And not just a baby, possibly TWINS! One more and I'll go nuts. What are the odds him ever visiting again? And what the hell for everyone is selling their freedom - for what - diapers? And why the hell for make any more children? Let the overgrowing populations fill the earth and let their children suffer. I won't leave my genes running on this earth, no way. My children would deserve a place where they wouldn't have to start working in the age of six (yeah, school IS work) and wouldn't have to work until they are too old to even make it to the toilet before embarrasing theirselves. Fuck no. Go on, ruin someone else's life too.
Today's tune of the moment is about freedom:
Utah Saints - Highlander (CJ Bolland Remix)
Would you go clubbing if you had children? No, if you were a decent parent.
.. Does this mean I'll never grow old?
Today's tune of the moment is about freedom:
Utah Saints - Highlander (CJ Bolland Remix)
Would you go clubbing if you had children? No, if you were a decent parent.
.. Does this mean I'll never grow old?
Thursday
American Woman
An irishman once told me I'm too much of an American Woman. He told me I walk, talk and act like an american woman. I took it as an insult. It's like he told me I'm high maintenance! I'm not one of those prentious bitches who insist that the car door is opened or they won't get out of the car, who want jewellery for anniversaries or be married after two years of dating. This is what I wanted for my 24th birthday. And I finally had something for women's day too: Finnish army combat boots. I'm happy with that.
Eek, gotta run. I have classes & I'm already late.
Tune of the moment:
Lenny Kravitz - American Woman
Eek, gotta run. I have classes & I'm already late.
Tune of the moment:
Lenny Kravitz - American Woman
Wednesday
Movies
Have you even seen a movie that really effects your thoughts and feelings for a moment? In 1993, I saw Schindler's List. It was like, what, three hours long? When I went in, the sun was shining and it was windy. When I came out everything had turned to grey and it was raining. My friend said she felt as if the "angels were crying". I totally won't go see Hotel Rwanda.
Yesterday J didn't remember the Women's day, so I went out with my friend for a coffee and finally ended up playing a touch-monitor game in a smokey restaurant, sipping ice water and laughing our asses out. Of course J wasn't so pleased when I spent hours there (I guess I should have been home in his mind) and a big load of money for bad coffee and the game machine as well.
It's a perfect sunny weather outside. Maybe I'll go for a stroll before going to classes.
Oh, and yesterday I learned what is "College Rock". The tune of the moment is a good example.
Tune of the moment:
3 Doors Down - Let Me Go
Yesterday J didn't remember the Women's day, so I went out with my friend for a coffee and finally ended up playing a touch-monitor game in a smokey restaurant, sipping ice water and laughing our asses out. Of course J wasn't so pleased when I spent hours there (I guess I should have been home in his mind) and a big load of money for bad coffee and the game machine as well.
It's a perfect sunny weather outside. Maybe I'll go for a stroll before going to classes.
Oh, and yesterday I learned what is "College Rock". The tune of the moment is a good example.
Tune of the moment:
3 Doors Down - Let Me Go
Tuesday
Something Stupid..
Today is the international Women's Day. Well, J didn't remember it - he never remembers anything. He didn't even remember we have been together for four years, not three, as he told his cousin who lives in California. At least he knows when it's my birthday.
I've been playing the Sims 2 for the whole last week. I didn't even go out as I had fever almost every day. So I've been more or less sick for three weeks now. Last night I had fever too, but I decided to come to school today anyway. The reason? The cutest teacher I've ever seen. He's not really THAT goodlooking, but he has a speech defect. He cannot say the letters "r" and "s" properly, but I think that's the fact that makes him so cute. And it makes people to listen to what he says. That's not a good reason to attend classes, but hey - at least I'm here. AND forgot to take my assignment with me.
Oh, went to see Constantine. Great movie, lots of fun. All the reviews were about it sucking hard, but I simply loved it! I had to see it twice, though I don't like Rachel Weisz). And Keanu Reeves still looks hot. HOT. HOT!
I've been playing the Sims 2 for the whole last week. I didn't even go out as I had fever almost every day. So I've been more or less sick for three weeks now. Last night I had fever too, but I decided to come to school today anyway. The reason? The cutest teacher I've ever seen. He's not really THAT goodlooking, but he has a speech defect. He cannot say the letters "r" and "s" properly, but I think that's the fact that makes him so cute. And it makes people to listen to what he says. That's not a good reason to attend classes, but hey - at least I'm here. AND forgot to take my assignment with me.
Oh, went to see Constantine. Great movie, lots of fun. All the reviews were about it sucking hard, but I simply loved it! I had to see it twice, though I don't like Rachel Weisz). And Keanu Reeves still looks hot. HOT. HOT!
Monday
Some More Creepy Dreams...
I know I hate my mother for everyhting she's done and the dream I had last night just makes it even stronger. You see, I was visiting her and we were going along pretty well, but then suddenly she turned the way she really is. We started fighting and she tried to strangle me but as I am in real life, I was taller, stronger and not blinded by my anger. So I put my arm in her mouth to suffocate her and I saw her life counter go low as she struggled for a breath. I decided that she isn't worth to die, she's to suffer. I let her go, but her life counter was on 0 %. She turned cold instantly but I knew I could save her for just giving her one breath of mine. I did. When she was back to life she continued on trying to kill me. That's when I woke up.
I think the dream is about me always giving my all for everyone even when they are mean. I always expect good things of people and then get disappointed. My mother is the best example for my own behavior: She's tried to kill me IRL at least three times, but still I wasn't scared to visit her. She's hurt me mentally. And still she was the one I used to call when I didn't know the answer. She took my trust on everyone, but still I wanted to get her stuff to make her life easier. I bought her a DVD-player, a cell phone, I paid her bills.. And now all I can think of is: "what the hell for?" She doesn't give anything back. Of course I got stuff when she was married to my 1st step dad who could afford stuff, so my room was full of things all my classmates wanted. But my mother has never told me that she's happy that I'm her kid. Even though it's a cliché I say: I could have changed every 100 mark bill for knowing that I was more than a burden.
I'm so tired.. I had to take the anti-itchy pill last night and it's still making me very sleepy. I'd like to go to bed and sleep the day off, but I have some things to do. Like the mountain of dirty dishes.
I think the dream is about me always giving my all for everyone even when they are mean. I always expect good things of people and then get disappointed. My mother is the best example for my own behavior: She's tried to kill me IRL at least three times, but still I wasn't scared to visit her. She's hurt me mentally. And still she was the one I used to call when I didn't know the answer. She took my trust on everyone, but still I wanted to get her stuff to make her life easier. I bought her a DVD-player, a cell phone, I paid her bills.. And now all I can think of is: "what the hell for?" She doesn't give anything back. Of course I got stuff when she was married to my 1st step dad who could afford stuff, so my room was full of things all my classmates wanted. But my mother has never told me that she's happy that I'm her kid. Even though it's a cliché I say: I could have changed every 100 mark bill for knowing that I was more than a burden.
I'm so tired.. I had to take the anti-itchy pill last night and it's still making me very sleepy. I'd like to go to bed and sleep the day off, but I have some things to do. Like the mountain of dirty dishes.
Sunday
Creepy
Two nights ago I had a nightmare about me driving a truck on an ice road. Now that's very common in this country -driving across the ice 'cause it's so strong- and I don't find that unusual though I don't have a license to drive a truck - I dream about flying too and still cannot do that. Well, anyways, I was driving and suddenly the whole truck went through the ice. I instantly knew I had to take a deep breath and try to get out ot the truck, but couldn't. I couldn't get the door open so I took one last breath when the cockpit was filling with water.. and woke up having troubles to breathe. Ok, that's not usual, people see drowning dreams. But today I saw a headline on the newspaper: a truck driver drown while went through the ice. The day before yesterday. The same morning I was having that dream.
Yesterday evening we went to the local irish pub and there I sat, in the middle of a happy crowd and I saw the headline. I don't really remember what we talked there. And I'm not even sure I said anything.
My first crush died when I was 12. He was 21 and I was soooooo in love with him. He had to move out of town - I don't remember the reason- and later that year he plunged into a river somewhere south and drowned. The night before that day I had a dream of drowning and I wrote it down, 'cause that time I had a journal I wrote every day. I didn't know he was dead until two months later I saw the orbituary on the newspaper. I was depressed - of course, but it stroke me down when I heard the cause of death a few years ago. I went to check on my old journals and happened to find that day 14.4. and the dream I had the previous night.
This is the third dream that I've seen myself drowning in my dream and later I hear someone I know has died. The two before were someone I knew and I'm scared to death that this will be too. I didn't read the story on the newspaper before that and I didn't watch news yesterday so I don't know who is it. I hope it's no one I know.
It's creepy.
I think I'll stay the rest of tonight awake so I don't kill anyone in my dreams.
Yesterday evening we went to the local irish pub and there I sat, in the middle of a happy crowd and I saw the headline. I don't really remember what we talked there. And I'm not even sure I said anything.
My first crush died when I was 12. He was 21 and I was soooooo in love with him. He had to move out of town - I don't remember the reason- and later that year he plunged into a river somewhere south and drowned. The night before that day I had a dream of drowning and I wrote it down, 'cause that time I had a journal I wrote every day. I didn't know he was dead until two months later I saw the orbituary on the newspaper. I was depressed - of course, but it stroke me down when I heard the cause of death a few years ago. I went to check on my old journals and happened to find that day 14.4. and the dream I had the previous night.
This is the third dream that I've seen myself drowning in my dream and later I hear someone I know has died. The two before were someone I knew and I'm scared to death that this will be too. I didn't read the story on the newspaper before that and I didn't watch news yesterday so I don't know who is it. I hope it's no one I know.
It's creepy.
I think I'll stay the rest of tonight awake so I don't kill anyone in my dreams.
Saturday
Annoyed
Okay,
There's a thing or two in the world that annoys me. First, I'd like everyone to know that I don't appreciate people who talk, talk, talk and talk and finally won't actually DO something. One friend of mine - well, actually J's - has been talking that he used to play airsoft and he'd come anytime. Today J asked him to join us tomorrow and he made up the worst excuses ever! I hate excuses. Why can't people just say "No, I'm not coming 'cause I feel more like sitting down here at home and watch porn." At least that would be honest. When I was absent from my classes and the teacher asked why I wasn't there I said "I was playing Sims 2 all night and didn't feel like coming."
Adrian, don't read this following text (bollocks, I know you'd be reading it anyway - but remember - this is not about you and your lovely wife - though you have children):
I feel truly sorry for the people who have children. Their excuses are the worst. "The kids blaa, blaa, blaa." And then they whine about never having time for theirselves. Well, go get kids, that should give you some more freetime.
There are three things that make me furious: 1. Couples with children never can think further than their own front door. Or the diapers. I have friends who are all "you should get kids too - it's wonderful" and while saying that they sit at home thinking that "I'm a good parent when I spend all the time with my kids" and gaining weight (I have a reason - they don't), not taking care of themselves, whining about money, how they haven't had sex in three months etc. 2. Women who think they are the center of the world after having a baby. They are playing martyrs like "I'm so-ho-o-o-o alone with the kids - I can't even go out when I'm stuck here in the suburbs." Well fuck you, you made the choice! 3. Couples who meet couples. Why should I be friends with J's friends' girlfriend when we have nothing in common! Geez! I don't feel like going for a drink with them 'cause they simply don't interest me. I have never made excuses with them, I've said "I don't feel like going."
Oh, and also, I hate the people who say: "Well, you don't have kids - how can you know." I've seen it enough. People (usually the ones who cannot afford it - like my sister) have children and then endlessly whine about not having the money. They choose. Kids are nice, but I've seen it tens of times: the woman is at home spending the money our lovely society gives them for free by sending messages to the stupid television chat show and then crying that they don't have the money to pay the phone bill!
And the ones who whine about never getting the chance to go to the club and dance the night away...? There are at least 3 registrated nanny agencies in this country - agencies that let people hire a nanny for like six hours with a reasonable prize! If they can afford a night partying they can afford a nanny. Geez.
Oh, and what about the women who spend most of their time nagging to their husbands (or bf's) on some stupid matters just because they are too lazy to move out of the house and meet other people by themselves. Those women used to be independent but when they have children THEY turn into little girls again.
And those mother+kid/mother+kid - stuff? Why can't people just be friends after having a baby: the couple with children are more interested in talking about their kids and how one of them made it's first non-yellow poop the day before yesterday... Is it really that after having children people turn inside and find nothing interesting anymore? Young mothers always want friends who are with children. Why? Because their world is so small they think they can make friends with people whom with they discuss their weird menstruation?! ARRRGGHH!
What about the mothers who insist their men being home and miserable too? My sister - again- is a good example: she kept whining all the time - she needed money for new top coat for the kids, a larger car, second car, a dog, another baby carrier.. her husband said byebye and moved in with a woman with no children.
I went out for coffee with a friend of mine (the one with children AND a life) and bumped into this woman she knows. Well, this woman started whining: "I've had Emma 3 months ago and my body still hasn't recovered". It's fucking normal, idiot! You've pushed a fuckin' water melon out of yourself!
Conclusion: women with children are mad cows. End of story.
Yes, every day that goes by I thank gods for having enough brain for not having any children. With this attitude I'd be the worst mum ever.
There's a thing or two in the world that annoys me. First, I'd like everyone to know that I don't appreciate people who talk, talk, talk and talk and finally won't actually DO something. One friend of mine - well, actually J's - has been talking that he used to play airsoft and he'd come anytime. Today J asked him to join us tomorrow and he made up the worst excuses ever! I hate excuses. Why can't people just say "No, I'm not coming 'cause I feel more like sitting down here at home and watch porn." At least that would be honest. When I was absent from my classes and the teacher asked why I wasn't there I said "I was playing Sims 2 all night and didn't feel like coming."
Adrian, don't read this following text (bollocks, I know you'd be reading it anyway - but remember - this is not about you and your lovely wife - though you have children):
I feel truly sorry for the people who have children. Their excuses are the worst. "The kids blaa, blaa, blaa." And then they whine about never having time for theirselves. Well, go get kids, that should give you some more freetime.
There are three things that make me furious: 1. Couples with children never can think further than their own front door. Or the diapers. I have friends who are all "you should get kids too - it's wonderful" and while saying that they sit at home thinking that "I'm a good parent when I spend all the time with my kids" and gaining weight (I have a reason - they don't), not taking care of themselves, whining about money, how they haven't had sex in three months etc. 2. Women who think they are the center of the world after having a baby. They are playing martyrs like "I'm so-ho-o-o-o alone with the kids - I can't even go out when I'm stuck here in the suburbs." Well fuck you, you made the choice! 3. Couples who meet couples. Why should I be friends with J's friends' girlfriend when we have nothing in common! Geez! I don't feel like going for a drink with them 'cause they simply don't interest me. I have never made excuses with them, I've said "I don't feel like going."
Oh, and also, I hate the people who say: "Well, you don't have kids - how can you know." I've seen it enough. People (usually the ones who cannot afford it - like my sister) have children and then endlessly whine about not having the money. They choose. Kids are nice, but I've seen it tens of times: the woman is at home spending the money our lovely society gives them for free by sending messages to the stupid television chat show and then crying that they don't have the money to pay the phone bill!
And the ones who whine about never getting the chance to go to the club and dance the night away...? There are at least 3 registrated nanny agencies in this country - agencies that let people hire a nanny for like six hours with a reasonable prize! If they can afford a night partying they can afford a nanny. Geez.
Oh, and what about the women who spend most of their time nagging to their husbands (or bf's) on some stupid matters just because they are too lazy to move out of the house and meet other people by themselves. Those women used to be independent but when they have children THEY turn into little girls again.
And those mother+kid/mother+kid - stuff? Why can't people just be friends after having a baby: the couple with children are more interested in talking about their kids and how one of them made it's first non-yellow poop the day before yesterday... Is it really that after having children people turn inside and find nothing interesting anymore? Young mothers always want friends who are with children. Why? Because their world is so small they think they can make friends with people whom with they discuss their weird menstruation?! ARRRGGHH!
What about the mothers who insist their men being home and miserable too? My sister - again- is a good example: she kept whining all the time - she needed money for new top coat for the kids, a larger car, second car, a dog, another baby carrier.. her husband said byebye and moved in with a woman with no children.
I went out for coffee with a friend of mine (the one with children AND a life) and bumped into this woman she knows. Well, this woman started whining: "I've had Emma 3 months ago and my body still hasn't recovered". It's fucking normal, idiot! You've pushed a fuckin' water melon out of yourself!
Conclusion: women with children are mad cows. End of story.
Yes, every day that goes by I thank gods for having enough brain for not having any children. With this attitude I'd be the worst mum ever.
Wednesday
Nothingness
Do you know what it feels like NOT to feel anything? Just being numb. Nothing can move you, you couldn't care less? Well, today I've been feeling that way. I thought I'd be glad when I woke up early enough, but I was like "duh".
One friend of mine - well, sort of a friend- ditched me when I needed him the most. He could have done such a favor to me.. but he didn't. He said, that it's against his morals. His morals? What moral? He can't even crasp the word "moral". He's just another fucker who thinks people would do anything for him without expecting a favor returned. J ordered him some things he wanted to, and paid it off with his credit card. Then we've been driving him around without him helping on the expenses. Then he treated me very badly last weekend by calling me asocial when I was kidding on something that happened. And then on Tuesday I asked him to help me on my school stuff. And he said I should do it by myself. He said it's against his moral to help me. Asshole. Weirdly I'm not even pissed off. I'm disappointed. No, not even disappointed, because I know this stuff happens to me all the time.
I want a friend who would do something for me for a change. Any volunteers?
Tune of the moment:
Three Days Grace - (I hate) Everything About you
One friend of mine - well, sort of a friend- ditched me when I needed him the most. He could have done such a favor to me.. but he didn't. He said, that it's against his morals. His morals? What moral? He can't even crasp the word "moral". He's just another fucker who thinks people would do anything for him without expecting a favor returned. J ordered him some things he wanted to, and paid it off with his credit card. Then we've been driving him around without him helping on the expenses. Then he treated me very badly last weekend by calling me asocial when I was kidding on something that happened. And then on Tuesday I asked him to help me on my school stuff. And he said I should do it by myself. He said it's against his moral to help me. Asshole. Weirdly I'm not even pissed off. I'm disappointed. No, not even disappointed, because I know this stuff happens to me all the time.
I want a friend who would do something for me for a change. Any volunteers?
Tune of the moment:
Three Days Grace - (I hate) Everything About you
Tuesday
Beautiful World
I'm so sick an tired of always hearing bad news.
They are on the newspapers, television, Internet - everywhere. Somebody "important" has been killed, a huge corporation is giving the sack for more than 2500 employees.. is it that only the worst news are the ones are really interesting? I'd be more than happy to hear the news with something good within. For example: "BlaaBlaa Inc has to let 3000 employees go, but Tjakanos Inc can take more than 60% of the BlaaBlaa Inc's employees." Do I make sense at all?
I've finished the hydrocortison treatment (a month sooner than I thought - cuz I want to fit into my dress on my 24th birthday), and it means no more extra fluids under my skin. Hallelujah! Maybe I can actually wear a bikini next summer. Though when looking outside it seems that the next summer is far-far away. It's cold, snowing and it's windy as hell.
Well, got to go. Enough whining for today.
They are on the newspapers, television, Internet - everywhere. Somebody "important" has been killed, a huge corporation is giving the sack for more than 2500 employees.. is it that only the worst news are the ones are really interesting? I'd be more than happy to hear the news with something good within. For example: "BlaaBlaa Inc has to let 3000 employees go, but Tjakanos Inc can take more than 60% of the BlaaBlaa Inc's employees." Do I make sense at all?
I've finished the hydrocortison treatment (a month sooner than I thought - cuz I want to fit into my dress on my 24th birthday), and it means no more extra fluids under my skin. Hallelujah! Maybe I can actually wear a bikini next summer. Though when looking outside it seems that the next summer is far-far away. It's cold, snowing and it's windy as hell.
Well, got to go. Enough whining for today.
Friday
Remember Me - And I Will Never Die
A scary thought I had a few days ago when there was something on TV about those old people who had absolutely nobody in their life and they died all alone in their apartments. Usually it's the neighbors complaining about the smell or the postman reporting when those people have been found. I wonder have they done something in their past that there is no one. What did they have in mind on their last day alive? I know one whose life is bound to end like that - my mothers. She burns all the bridges behind her each year, ditches her friends whenever they even say something she doesn't like. But I don't feel sorry for her. If someone can really say hating someone - I can. She's destroyed my life and she's the reason I'm a wreck who doesn't trust anyone. Maybe I'll wind up dying alone as I can't let anyone near me 'cause I'm afraid that they'd really learn to know me and then hurt me really badly. When I'm saying "knowing" me, it doesn't mean knowing that I laugh on bad jokes and what kind of movies I'd like. I know that there isn't such a man living on this earth - but still keep hoping. Like Bridget Jones. Don't get me wrong, people, I like having J in my life - but I can't help the naiive side in me. I will always be that princess (Ugly, though) waiting for the prince to arrive. I gues when it comes to me, the prince would likely run away.
I think I will go back to Canada. Eventually. I know that leaving this country will be easy, but staying in another knowing nobody (and I don't make friends easily) is very hard. Of course I will have male friends - I'm always like one of the guys. But I've always wanted to have a girl friend who doesn't try to compete with me and who doesn't think she's prettier than me. I had a friend who knew she is very beautiful - And I had to hear about it every day - which made me feel even uglier.
A note to myself: Don't talk so much.
Tune of the moment:
Delerium - Innocente
I think I will go back to Canada. Eventually. I know that leaving this country will be easy, but staying in another knowing nobody (and I don't make friends easily) is very hard. Of course I will have male friends - I'm always like one of the guys. But I've always wanted to have a girl friend who doesn't try to compete with me and who doesn't think she's prettier than me. I had a friend who knew she is very beautiful - And I had to hear about it every day - which made me feel even uglier.
A note to myself: Don't talk so much.
Tune of the moment:
Delerium - Innocente
Wednesday
Silly Me
Lately I've been playing NS so much I can hear the jetpack sound even when the game isn't on. Plus: I had another dream about Josh Hartnett. Funny, eh? And I've seen this dream before - but unlike my usual self - I didn't try to change the plot.
I'm not sure if I have talked about this before, but I have a tendency to re-see a dream and understand I'm dreaming - thus being able to interfere. Like that vampire dream I used to have. The first time I was having that dream I tried to run away and woke up screaming when I was drained. The next time I suddenly had the idea of flying ("hey, this is a dream, what if I flew instead of running"). The third time I decided that I had a bag, which contained a gun loaded with daylight bullets.
This J H dream I had last night was about us trying to find a place to get a minute together - just the two of us. Everybody had something to talk to us and all the rooms were taken or forbidden. I woke up all confused - mainly thinking that WHY the hell didn't I do something, that was fucking Josh Hartnett. Isn't he the boy next door?
I'm crazy, aren't I?
Oh, and we couldn't take the girl iguana - our ig tried to have her leg for dinner. She went to the capital city to a family that has a turtle farm. She'll be happy there.
I'm not sure if I have talked about this before, but I have a tendency to re-see a dream and understand I'm dreaming - thus being able to interfere. Like that vampire dream I used to have. The first time I was having that dream I tried to run away and woke up screaming when I was drained. The next time I suddenly had the idea of flying ("hey, this is a dream, what if I flew instead of running"). The third time I decided that I had a bag, which contained a gun loaded with daylight bullets.
This J H dream I had last night was about us trying to find a place to get a minute together - just the two of us. Everybody had something to talk to us and all the rooms were taken or forbidden. I woke up all confused - mainly thinking that WHY the hell didn't I do something, that was fucking Josh Hartnett. Isn't he the boy next door?
I'm crazy, aren't I?
Oh, and we couldn't take the girl iguana - our ig tried to have her leg for dinner. She went to the capital city to a family that has a turtle farm. She'll be happy there.
Tuesday
Shopping Cart
People can buy really weird stuff.
Would you like to have one of these:
Tactical Travel Mug
Made of hight density insulated plastic with tapered bottom to properly secure in your car cup holder.
Blackhawk Tactical Caffeine Transfer Unit
Easy to grab, extra large handle for a more secure 3 finger grip.
Siren Alarm Clock
A large blue police light + alarm. Guaranteed wake-up call.
It's funny how the Internet has changed our lives. I would've never thought of buying Monopoly U.S. Military version in 1999. And I never thought I could order my DVD's from the UK. That's so weird and I'm thinking I really don't want to see the year 2060. I like it the way it is now.
Would you like to have one of these:
Tactical Travel Mug
Made of hight density insulated plastic with tapered bottom to properly secure in your car cup holder.
Blackhawk Tactical Caffeine Transfer Unit
Easy to grab, extra large handle for a more secure 3 finger grip.
Siren Alarm Clock
A large blue police light + alarm. Guaranteed wake-up call.
It's funny how the Internet has changed our lives. I would've never thought of buying Monopoly U.S. Military version in 1999. And I never thought I could order my DVD's from the UK. That's so weird and I'm thinking I really don't want to see the year 2060. I like it the way it is now.
Monday
Today
Ever have those days you feel like doing absolutely nothing?
Well, that day has arrived - for me at least.
I have a dozen things to do, but I just want to take a bath. I should go out for a much-needed walk, but I feel more like going back to bed. I should do some homework, but noooo-o, I just feel like playing with my iguana. I just want to eat, sleep, play Natural Selection and eat some more. I need a friend who comes to my place, forces me to go out and gets me out of this Nerdland. Help! I need interference, NOW! I just had a mini-break for the weekend but that didn't help either, I just-don't-feel-like-doing-anything. My things-to-do list gets even longer but still I can't get myself actually doing something to shorten that stupid list.
We're getting another iguana. This is a girl who desperately needs a home and we need a girlfriend for our boy. Actually I don't want to have that another iguana, cause it means another reason not to go out of town for more than two days. It means a lot more food to be made, a lot of shit to be cleaned up.. I don't even like her name. She's called "Twister" and mine has a real name. I hate iguana names like "Iggy" and "Roamer" and "Twister", but I could rename that iguana "Annie" or "Judge Jules" or something like that. But.. an iguana's name cannot be changed - it gets confused because suddenly she never gets talked to, but instead her chef-servants are talking to someone else..
I feel like having spaghetti and meatballs today. Yummy.
Well, that day has arrived - for me at least.
I have a dozen things to do, but I just want to take a bath. I should go out for a much-needed walk, but I feel more like going back to bed. I should do some homework, but noooo-o, I just feel like playing with my iguana. I just want to eat, sleep, play Natural Selection and eat some more. I need a friend who comes to my place, forces me to go out and gets me out of this Nerdland. Help! I need interference, NOW! I just had a mini-break for the weekend but that didn't help either, I just-don't-feel-like-doing-anything. My things-to-do list gets even longer but still I can't get myself actually doing something to shorten that stupid list.
We're getting another iguana. This is a girl who desperately needs a home and we need a girlfriend for our boy. Actually I don't want to have that another iguana, cause it means another reason not to go out of town for more than two days. It means a lot more food to be made, a lot of shit to be cleaned up.. I don't even like her name. She's called "Twister" and mine has a real name. I hate iguana names like "Iggy" and "Roamer" and "Twister", but I could rename that iguana "Annie" or "Judge Jules" or something like that. But.. an iguana's name cannot be changed - it gets confused because suddenly she never gets talked to, but instead her chef-servants are talking to someone else..
I feel like having spaghetti and meatballs today. Yummy.
Wednesday
A Perfect Yesterday
Yes,
My yesterday was even better than I thought. More good things about yesterday: I met my good friend L, I went shopping with J (and almost shoplifted a pair of gloves from H&M - thank God we noticed it right outside the shop. I wonder why there wasn't an alarm device in the gloves.), went to see our friend who returned from Japan a few months ago. He made us espressos', we watched a movie called Dragonheart (I cried in the end - and I've seen at least 20 times) and the best, best, best part of the day was onii-giri. I'm not sure how it's supposed to be written, but just to make sure everyone understands it's a triangle made of rice. Usually it is packed with shrimps and fish sauce and the third part I can't remember but as I'm allergic I got the non-fishy version with only rice and some sesame seeds. It was my first onii-giri and I was so happy the whole evening. I've wanted to taste Onii-giri since I was like-what- 14 and now my wish came true.
At home I played the Sims 2 (thank God it's not crashing anymore) and went to bed by midnight. My eczema got itchy and I decided I'm not going to scratch in my sleep. So I'm still awake and soon heading to school. The rest of the night I worked on some JAVA stuff I have to return by thursday morning. And I've only done like half. And drank 3 XLarge cups of coffee. I bet by the time I get to school I'm ready to sleep by the computer.
My yesterday was even better than I thought. More good things about yesterday: I met my good friend L, I went shopping with J (and almost shoplifted a pair of gloves from H&M - thank God we noticed it right outside the shop. I wonder why there wasn't an alarm device in the gloves.), went to see our friend who returned from Japan a few months ago. He made us espressos', we watched a movie called Dragonheart (I cried in the end - and I've seen at least 20 times) and the best, best, best part of the day was onii-giri. I'm not sure how it's supposed to be written, but just to make sure everyone understands it's a triangle made of rice. Usually it is packed with shrimps and fish sauce and the third part I can't remember but as I'm allergic I got the non-fishy version with only rice and some sesame seeds. It was my first onii-giri and I was so happy the whole evening. I've wanted to taste Onii-giri since I was like-what- 14 and now my wish came true.
At home I played the Sims 2 (thank God it's not crashing anymore) and went to bed by midnight. My eczema got itchy and I decided I'm not going to scratch in my sleep. So I'm still awake and soon heading to school. The rest of the night I worked on some JAVA stuff I have to return by thursday morning. And I've only done like half. And drank 3 XLarge cups of coffee. I bet by the time I get to school I'm ready to sleep by the computer.
Tuesday
Still NON-Gyllenhaalic.
Sometimes you just know when the day is going to be perfect.
I woke up and just knew.
The good things about today are definetly the dream I had last night, the wintery scene outside and the fact that I had the cutest SMS waiting for me when I finally got up. Now, I should have gone to school but when the alarm rang I just couldn't tear myself up. Because I was watching the best movie ever - a dream starring me and Jake Gyllenhaal. He is a) friggin' gorgeous, b) soo handsome c) not a very good actor. But in my dream he was. It's funny, how some dreams are just so realistic that you wake up a little confused, like "where the hell did HE go?" And the best part of the dream was that he wasn't an actor in it, but a reqular john working in his dads' firm. And I knew he was Jake Gyllenhaal, but it never occured me in that dream that soon he'll have to walk in front of the camera and be someone else. Funny.
The cutest part of the dream was definitely was when we were making out and his dad came and we were kind of embarassed -as if we were teenagers. The feelings in that dream were so real I started thinking that if dreams are really for us to have something we can't, just once. And how can a human body reflect the feelings that it has never felt before - like winning in the lottery - how can one have that exploding happiness -feeling if one has never won anyting. Just minutes before I woke up - I think- I had go home for awhile and when I returned there, his sister - Maggie- came and gave me a hug but I had missed him so much I couldn't see anyone else but him. And that welcome kiss was so full of pain and relief and..
I wonder if there's something wrong with me - I tend to be so reliant on my dreams. A bad dream can spoil a day, a good one can make it seem perfect.
But hey, I'm still a non-Gyllenhaalic. I'm not a fan. Fans are people who watch his films over and over again and talk about him to people and collect the posters and stuff. I just have him in my dreams, but it seems to me that he in my dreams is really someone else, someone I don't know but is there and he's giving the face for him - as if being the new DreamGuy of mine.
Oh, and In Real Life, I'm very, very confused. One day - like the day before yesterday- J means the world to me and on a day like today I wish I had the strength to pack my stuff and leave. But I know that if I leave him I'll never have anyone who can make me laugh like him and be my best friend. And I know he's so weak right now that if I leave he'll stop living. And he thinks the same way about me. No solution then.
I woke up and just knew.
The good things about today are definetly the dream I had last night, the wintery scene outside and the fact that I had the cutest SMS waiting for me when I finally got up. Now, I should have gone to school but when the alarm rang I just couldn't tear myself up. Because I was watching the best movie ever - a dream starring me and Jake Gyllenhaal. He is a) friggin' gorgeous, b) soo handsome c) not a very good actor. But in my dream he was. It's funny, how some dreams are just so realistic that you wake up a little confused, like "where the hell did HE go?" And the best part of the dream was that he wasn't an actor in it, but a reqular john working in his dads' firm. And I knew he was Jake Gyllenhaal, but it never occured me in that dream that soon he'll have to walk in front of the camera and be someone else. Funny.
The cutest part of the dream was definitely was when we were making out and his dad came and we were kind of embarassed -as if we were teenagers. The feelings in that dream were so real I started thinking that if dreams are really for us to have something we can't, just once. And how can a human body reflect the feelings that it has never felt before - like winning in the lottery - how can one have that exploding happiness -feeling if one has never won anyting. Just minutes before I woke up - I think- I had go home for awhile and when I returned there, his sister - Maggie- came and gave me a hug but I had missed him so much I couldn't see anyone else but him. And that welcome kiss was so full of pain and relief and..
I wonder if there's something wrong with me - I tend to be so reliant on my dreams. A bad dream can spoil a day, a good one can make it seem perfect.
But hey, I'm still a non-Gyllenhaalic. I'm not a fan. Fans are people who watch his films over and over again and talk about him to people and collect the posters and stuff. I just have him in my dreams, but it seems to me that he in my dreams is really someone else, someone I don't know but is there and he's giving the face for him - as if being the new DreamGuy of mine.
Oh, and In Real Life, I'm very, very confused. One day - like the day before yesterday- J means the world to me and on a day like today I wish I had the strength to pack my stuff and leave. But I know that if I leave him I'll never have anyone who can make me laugh like him and be my best friend. And I know he's so weak right now that if I leave he'll stop living. And he thinks the same way about me. No solution then.
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