I know I hate my mother for everyhting she's done and the dream I had last night just makes it even stronger. You see, I was visiting her and we were going along pretty well, but then suddenly she turned the way she really is. We started fighting and she tried to strangle me but as I am in real life, I was taller, stronger and not blinded by my anger. So I put my arm in her mouth to suffocate her and I saw her life counter go low as she struggled for a breath. I decided that she isn't worth to die, she's to suffer. I let her go, but her life counter was on 0 %. She turned cold instantly but I knew I could save her for just giving her one breath of mine. I did. When she was back to life she continued on trying to kill me. That's when I woke up.
I think the dream is about me always giving my all for everyone even when they are mean. I always expect good things of people and then get disappointed. My mother is the best example for my own behavior: She's tried to kill me IRL at least three times, but still I wasn't scared to visit her. She's hurt me mentally. And still she was the one I used to call when I didn't know the answer. She took my trust on everyone, but still I wanted to get her stuff to make her life easier. I bought her a DVD-player, a cell phone, I paid her bills.. And now all I can think of is: "what the hell for?" She doesn't give anything back. Of course I got stuff when she was married to my 1st step dad who could afford stuff, so my room was full of things all my classmates wanted. But my mother has never told me that she's happy that I'm her kid. Even though it's a cliché I say: I could have changed every 100 mark bill for knowing that I was more than a burden.
I'm so tired.. I had to take the anti-itchy pill last night and it's still making me very sleepy. I'd like to go to bed and sleep the day off, but I have some things to do. Like the mountain of dirty dishes.
When people were made, there were some pieces left - enough to make one more person. That's me. I'm leftovers.
Monday
Sunday
Creepy
Two nights ago I had a nightmare about me driving a truck on an ice road. Now that's very common in this country -driving across the ice 'cause it's so strong- and I don't find that unusual though I don't have a license to drive a truck - I dream about flying too and still cannot do that. Well, anyways, I was driving and suddenly the whole truck went through the ice. I instantly knew I had to take a deep breath and try to get out ot the truck, but couldn't. I couldn't get the door open so I took one last breath when the cockpit was filling with water.. and woke up having troubles to breathe. Ok, that's not usual, people see drowning dreams. But today I saw a headline on the newspaper: a truck driver drown while went through the ice. The day before yesterday. The same morning I was having that dream.
Yesterday evening we went to the local irish pub and there I sat, in the middle of a happy crowd and I saw the headline. I don't really remember what we talked there. And I'm not even sure I said anything.
My first crush died when I was 12. He was 21 and I was soooooo in love with him. He had to move out of town - I don't remember the reason- and later that year he plunged into a river somewhere south and drowned. The night before that day I had a dream of drowning and I wrote it down, 'cause that time I had a journal I wrote every day. I didn't know he was dead until two months later I saw the orbituary on the newspaper. I was depressed - of course, but it stroke me down when I heard the cause of death a few years ago. I went to check on my old journals and happened to find that day 14.4. and the dream I had the previous night.
This is the third dream that I've seen myself drowning in my dream and later I hear someone I know has died. The two before were someone I knew and I'm scared to death that this will be too. I didn't read the story on the newspaper before that and I didn't watch news yesterday so I don't know who is it. I hope it's no one I know.
It's creepy.
I think I'll stay the rest of tonight awake so I don't kill anyone in my dreams.
Yesterday evening we went to the local irish pub and there I sat, in the middle of a happy crowd and I saw the headline. I don't really remember what we talked there. And I'm not even sure I said anything.
My first crush died when I was 12. He was 21 and I was soooooo in love with him. He had to move out of town - I don't remember the reason- and later that year he plunged into a river somewhere south and drowned. The night before that day I had a dream of drowning and I wrote it down, 'cause that time I had a journal I wrote every day. I didn't know he was dead until two months later I saw the orbituary on the newspaper. I was depressed - of course, but it stroke me down when I heard the cause of death a few years ago. I went to check on my old journals and happened to find that day 14.4. and the dream I had the previous night.
This is the third dream that I've seen myself drowning in my dream and later I hear someone I know has died. The two before were someone I knew and I'm scared to death that this will be too. I didn't read the story on the newspaper before that and I didn't watch news yesterday so I don't know who is it. I hope it's no one I know.
It's creepy.
I think I'll stay the rest of tonight awake so I don't kill anyone in my dreams.
Saturday
Annoyed
Okay,
There's a thing or two in the world that annoys me. First, I'd like everyone to know that I don't appreciate people who talk, talk, talk and talk and finally won't actually DO something. One friend of mine - well, actually J's - has been talking that he used to play airsoft and he'd come anytime. Today J asked him to join us tomorrow and he made up the worst excuses ever! I hate excuses. Why can't people just say "No, I'm not coming 'cause I feel more like sitting down here at home and watch porn." At least that would be honest. When I was absent from my classes and the teacher asked why I wasn't there I said "I was playing Sims 2 all night and didn't feel like coming."
Adrian, don't read this following text (bollocks, I know you'd be reading it anyway - but remember - this is not about you and your lovely wife - though you have children):
I feel truly sorry for the people who have children. Their excuses are the worst. "The kids blaa, blaa, blaa." And then they whine about never having time for theirselves. Well, go get kids, that should give you some more freetime.
There are three things that make me furious: 1. Couples with children never can think further than their own front door. Or the diapers. I have friends who are all "you should get kids too - it's wonderful" and while saying that they sit at home thinking that "I'm a good parent when I spend all the time with my kids" and gaining weight (I have a reason - they don't), not taking care of themselves, whining about money, how they haven't had sex in three months etc. 2. Women who think they are the center of the world after having a baby. They are playing martyrs like "I'm so-ho-o-o-o alone with the kids - I can't even go out when I'm stuck here in the suburbs." Well fuck you, you made the choice! 3. Couples who meet couples. Why should I be friends with J's friends' girlfriend when we have nothing in common! Geez! I don't feel like going for a drink with them 'cause they simply don't interest me. I have never made excuses with them, I've said "I don't feel like going."
Oh, and also, I hate the people who say: "Well, you don't have kids - how can you know." I've seen it enough. People (usually the ones who cannot afford it - like my sister) have children and then endlessly whine about not having the money. They choose. Kids are nice, but I've seen it tens of times: the woman is at home spending the money our lovely society gives them for free by sending messages to the stupid television chat show and then crying that they don't have the money to pay the phone bill!
And the ones who whine about never getting the chance to go to the club and dance the night away...? There are at least 3 registrated nanny agencies in this country - agencies that let people hire a nanny for like six hours with a reasonable prize! If they can afford a night partying they can afford a nanny. Geez.
Oh, and what about the women who spend most of their time nagging to their husbands (or bf's) on some stupid matters just because they are too lazy to move out of the house and meet other people by themselves. Those women used to be independent but when they have children THEY turn into little girls again.
And those mother+kid/mother+kid - stuff? Why can't people just be friends after having a baby: the couple with children are more interested in talking about their kids and how one of them made it's first non-yellow poop the day before yesterday... Is it really that after having children people turn inside and find nothing interesting anymore? Young mothers always want friends who are with children. Why? Because their world is so small they think they can make friends with people whom with they discuss their weird menstruation?! ARRRGGHH!
What about the mothers who insist their men being home and miserable too? My sister - again- is a good example: she kept whining all the time - she needed money for new top coat for the kids, a larger car, second car, a dog, another baby carrier.. her husband said byebye and moved in with a woman with no children.
I went out for coffee with a friend of mine (the one with children AND a life) and bumped into this woman she knows. Well, this woman started whining: "I've had Emma 3 months ago and my body still hasn't recovered". It's fucking normal, idiot! You've pushed a fuckin' water melon out of yourself!
Conclusion: women with children are mad cows. End of story.
Yes, every day that goes by I thank gods for having enough brain for not having any children. With this attitude I'd be the worst mum ever.
There's a thing or two in the world that annoys me. First, I'd like everyone to know that I don't appreciate people who talk, talk, talk and talk and finally won't actually DO something. One friend of mine - well, actually J's - has been talking that he used to play airsoft and he'd come anytime. Today J asked him to join us tomorrow and he made up the worst excuses ever! I hate excuses. Why can't people just say "No, I'm not coming 'cause I feel more like sitting down here at home and watch porn." At least that would be honest. When I was absent from my classes and the teacher asked why I wasn't there I said "I was playing Sims 2 all night and didn't feel like coming."
Adrian, don't read this following text (bollocks, I know you'd be reading it anyway - but remember - this is not about you and your lovely wife - though you have children):
I feel truly sorry for the people who have children. Their excuses are the worst. "The kids blaa, blaa, blaa." And then they whine about never having time for theirselves. Well, go get kids, that should give you some more freetime.
There are three things that make me furious: 1. Couples with children never can think further than their own front door. Or the diapers. I have friends who are all "you should get kids too - it's wonderful" and while saying that they sit at home thinking that "I'm a good parent when I spend all the time with my kids" and gaining weight (I have a reason - they don't), not taking care of themselves, whining about money, how they haven't had sex in three months etc. 2. Women who think they are the center of the world after having a baby. They are playing martyrs like "I'm so-ho-o-o-o alone with the kids - I can't even go out when I'm stuck here in the suburbs." Well fuck you, you made the choice! 3. Couples who meet couples. Why should I be friends with J's friends' girlfriend when we have nothing in common! Geez! I don't feel like going for a drink with them 'cause they simply don't interest me. I have never made excuses with them, I've said "I don't feel like going."
Oh, and also, I hate the people who say: "Well, you don't have kids - how can you know." I've seen it enough. People (usually the ones who cannot afford it - like my sister) have children and then endlessly whine about not having the money. They choose. Kids are nice, but I've seen it tens of times: the woman is at home spending the money our lovely society gives them for free by sending messages to the stupid television chat show and then crying that they don't have the money to pay the phone bill!
And the ones who whine about never getting the chance to go to the club and dance the night away...? There are at least 3 registrated nanny agencies in this country - agencies that let people hire a nanny for like six hours with a reasonable prize! If they can afford a night partying they can afford a nanny. Geez.
Oh, and what about the women who spend most of their time nagging to their husbands (or bf's) on some stupid matters just because they are too lazy to move out of the house and meet other people by themselves. Those women used to be independent but when they have children THEY turn into little girls again.
And those mother+kid/mother+kid - stuff? Why can't people just be friends after having a baby: the couple with children are more interested in talking about their kids and how one of them made it's first non-yellow poop the day before yesterday... Is it really that after having children people turn inside and find nothing interesting anymore? Young mothers always want friends who are with children. Why? Because their world is so small they think they can make friends with people whom with they discuss their weird menstruation?! ARRRGGHH!
What about the mothers who insist their men being home and miserable too? My sister - again- is a good example: she kept whining all the time - she needed money for new top coat for the kids, a larger car, second car, a dog, another baby carrier.. her husband said byebye and moved in with a woman with no children.
I went out for coffee with a friend of mine (the one with children AND a life) and bumped into this woman she knows. Well, this woman started whining: "I've had Emma 3 months ago and my body still hasn't recovered". It's fucking normal, idiot! You've pushed a fuckin' water melon out of yourself!
Conclusion: women with children are mad cows. End of story.
Yes, every day that goes by I thank gods for having enough brain for not having any children. With this attitude I'd be the worst mum ever.
Wednesday
Nothingness
Do you know what it feels like NOT to feel anything? Just being numb. Nothing can move you, you couldn't care less? Well, today I've been feeling that way. I thought I'd be glad when I woke up early enough, but I was like "duh".
One friend of mine - well, sort of a friend- ditched me when I needed him the most. He could have done such a favor to me.. but he didn't. He said, that it's against his morals. His morals? What moral? He can't even crasp the word "moral". He's just another fucker who thinks people would do anything for him without expecting a favor returned. J ordered him some things he wanted to, and paid it off with his credit card. Then we've been driving him around without him helping on the expenses. Then he treated me very badly last weekend by calling me asocial when I was kidding on something that happened. And then on Tuesday I asked him to help me on my school stuff. And he said I should do it by myself. He said it's against his moral to help me. Asshole. Weirdly I'm not even pissed off. I'm disappointed. No, not even disappointed, because I know this stuff happens to me all the time.
I want a friend who would do something for me for a change. Any volunteers?
Tune of the moment:
Three Days Grace - (I hate) Everything About you
One friend of mine - well, sort of a friend- ditched me when I needed him the most. He could have done such a favor to me.. but he didn't. He said, that it's against his morals. His morals? What moral? He can't even crasp the word "moral". He's just another fucker who thinks people would do anything for him without expecting a favor returned. J ordered him some things he wanted to, and paid it off with his credit card. Then we've been driving him around without him helping on the expenses. Then he treated me very badly last weekend by calling me asocial when I was kidding on something that happened. And then on Tuesday I asked him to help me on my school stuff. And he said I should do it by myself. He said it's against his moral to help me. Asshole. Weirdly I'm not even pissed off. I'm disappointed. No, not even disappointed, because I know this stuff happens to me all the time.
I want a friend who would do something for me for a change. Any volunteers?
Tune of the moment:
Three Days Grace - (I hate) Everything About you
Tuesday
Beautiful World
I'm so sick an tired of always hearing bad news.
They are on the newspapers, television, Internet - everywhere. Somebody "important" has been killed, a huge corporation is giving the sack for more than 2500 employees.. is it that only the worst news are the ones are really interesting? I'd be more than happy to hear the news with something good within. For example: "BlaaBlaa Inc has to let 3000 employees go, but Tjakanos Inc can take more than 60% of the BlaaBlaa Inc's employees." Do I make sense at all?
I've finished the hydrocortison treatment (a month sooner than I thought - cuz I want to fit into my dress on my 24th birthday), and it means no more extra fluids under my skin. Hallelujah! Maybe I can actually wear a bikini next summer. Though when looking outside it seems that the next summer is far-far away. It's cold, snowing and it's windy as hell.
Well, got to go. Enough whining for today.
They are on the newspapers, television, Internet - everywhere. Somebody "important" has been killed, a huge corporation is giving the sack for more than 2500 employees.. is it that only the worst news are the ones are really interesting? I'd be more than happy to hear the news with something good within. For example: "BlaaBlaa Inc has to let 3000 employees go, but Tjakanos Inc can take more than 60% of the BlaaBlaa Inc's employees." Do I make sense at all?
I've finished the hydrocortison treatment (a month sooner than I thought - cuz I want to fit into my dress on my 24th birthday), and it means no more extra fluids under my skin. Hallelujah! Maybe I can actually wear a bikini next summer. Though when looking outside it seems that the next summer is far-far away. It's cold, snowing and it's windy as hell.
Well, got to go. Enough whining for today.
Friday
Remember Me - And I Will Never Die
A scary thought I had a few days ago when there was something on TV about those old people who had absolutely nobody in their life and they died all alone in their apartments. Usually it's the neighbors complaining about the smell or the postman reporting when those people have been found. I wonder have they done something in their past that there is no one. What did they have in mind on their last day alive? I know one whose life is bound to end like that - my mothers. She burns all the bridges behind her each year, ditches her friends whenever they even say something she doesn't like. But I don't feel sorry for her. If someone can really say hating someone - I can. She's destroyed my life and she's the reason I'm a wreck who doesn't trust anyone. Maybe I'll wind up dying alone as I can't let anyone near me 'cause I'm afraid that they'd really learn to know me and then hurt me really badly. When I'm saying "knowing" me, it doesn't mean knowing that I laugh on bad jokes and what kind of movies I'd like. I know that there isn't such a man living on this earth - but still keep hoping. Like Bridget Jones. Don't get me wrong, people, I like having J in my life - but I can't help the naiive side in me. I will always be that princess (Ugly, though) waiting for the prince to arrive. I gues when it comes to me, the prince would likely run away.
I think I will go back to Canada. Eventually. I know that leaving this country will be easy, but staying in another knowing nobody (and I don't make friends easily) is very hard. Of course I will have male friends - I'm always like one of the guys. But I've always wanted to have a girl friend who doesn't try to compete with me and who doesn't think she's prettier than me. I had a friend who knew she is very beautiful - And I had to hear about it every day - which made me feel even uglier.
A note to myself: Don't talk so much.
Tune of the moment:
Delerium - Innocente
I think I will go back to Canada. Eventually. I know that leaving this country will be easy, but staying in another knowing nobody (and I don't make friends easily) is very hard. Of course I will have male friends - I'm always like one of the guys. But I've always wanted to have a girl friend who doesn't try to compete with me and who doesn't think she's prettier than me. I had a friend who knew she is very beautiful - And I had to hear about it every day - which made me feel even uglier.
A note to myself: Don't talk so much.
Tune of the moment:
Delerium - Innocente
Wednesday
Silly Me
Lately I've been playing NS so much I can hear the jetpack sound even when the game isn't on. Plus: I had another dream about Josh Hartnett. Funny, eh? And I've seen this dream before - but unlike my usual self - I didn't try to change the plot.
I'm not sure if I have talked about this before, but I have a tendency to re-see a dream and understand I'm dreaming - thus being able to interfere. Like that vampire dream I used to have. The first time I was having that dream I tried to run away and woke up screaming when I was drained. The next time I suddenly had the idea of flying ("hey, this is a dream, what if I flew instead of running"). The third time I decided that I had a bag, which contained a gun loaded with daylight bullets.
This J H dream I had last night was about us trying to find a place to get a minute together - just the two of us. Everybody had something to talk to us and all the rooms were taken or forbidden. I woke up all confused - mainly thinking that WHY the hell didn't I do something, that was fucking Josh Hartnett. Isn't he the boy next door?
I'm crazy, aren't I?
Oh, and we couldn't take the girl iguana - our ig tried to have her leg for dinner. She went to the capital city to a family that has a turtle farm. She'll be happy there.
I'm not sure if I have talked about this before, but I have a tendency to re-see a dream and understand I'm dreaming - thus being able to interfere. Like that vampire dream I used to have. The first time I was having that dream I tried to run away and woke up screaming when I was drained. The next time I suddenly had the idea of flying ("hey, this is a dream, what if I flew instead of running"). The third time I decided that I had a bag, which contained a gun loaded with daylight bullets.
This J H dream I had last night was about us trying to find a place to get a minute together - just the two of us. Everybody had something to talk to us and all the rooms were taken or forbidden. I woke up all confused - mainly thinking that WHY the hell didn't I do something, that was fucking Josh Hartnett. Isn't he the boy next door?
I'm crazy, aren't I?
Oh, and we couldn't take the girl iguana - our ig tried to have her leg for dinner. She went to the capital city to a family that has a turtle farm. She'll be happy there.
Tuesday
Shopping Cart
People can buy really weird stuff.
Would you like to have one of these:
Tactical Travel Mug
Made of hight density insulated plastic with tapered bottom to properly secure in your car cup holder.
Blackhawk Tactical Caffeine Transfer Unit
Easy to grab, extra large handle for a more secure 3 finger grip.
Siren Alarm Clock
A large blue police light + alarm. Guaranteed wake-up call.
It's funny how the Internet has changed our lives. I would've never thought of buying Monopoly U.S. Military version in 1999. And I never thought I could order my DVD's from the UK. That's so weird and I'm thinking I really don't want to see the year 2060. I like it the way it is now.
Would you like to have one of these:
Tactical Travel Mug
Made of hight density insulated plastic with tapered bottom to properly secure in your car cup holder.
Blackhawk Tactical Caffeine Transfer Unit
Easy to grab, extra large handle for a more secure 3 finger grip.
Siren Alarm Clock
A large blue police light + alarm. Guaranteed wake-up call.
It's funny how the Internet has changed our lives. I would've never thought of buying Monopoly U.S. Military version in 1999. And I never thought I could order my DVD's from the UK. That's so weird and I'm thinking I really don't want to see the year 2060. I like it the way it is now.
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