Yup, it's been a nice week.
On Monday I came in to a eye specialist to have my eyes checked due to loss of sigh in my right eye. Now I'm in the neurological ward after a CAT-scan, MRI, lumbar puncture and various blood tests.
Nobody has told me but I think they are following two theories: either I have MS or IIH. I hope it's the latter because it will ease up with losing weight, and taking some medication. MS will most likely result in very painful death by aspiration of something that will cause a pneumonia or just plainly suffocating.
What made me suspect IIH? I did some research and I came up with something that matches me in the typical patient group, matches the symptoms, and is found by eliminating other possible culprits with a CAT-scan, MRI and lumbar puncture.
A lumbar puncture was done to me yesterday, and it was pure hell. I couldn't relax, and as they found a needle spot...
Edit: They are, indeed, suspecting IIH! The doctor just came to his rounds.
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Thursday
Wednesday
Oooh, New Year!
Well, hi
It's a new year. I still haven't broken my new years promise which was whine less and be nicer to everyone.
I have, indeed, whined less. And I've smiled to people even if they didn't smile back. Everyone should try that every now and then. Surprisingly you feel better if one out of the 200 people you smiled at smiles back.
It's still an awesome winter even though it was two days above zero (centigrade). It's been snowy, cold and awesome. I've been out more this winter than last year combined (and I'm not exaggerating).
We went to see the fireworks on new years eve. It was sad that the whole firework show given by the town was covered in low hanging clouds.. or mist.. or something. It was bizarre, the red, green, blue and golden flashes inside the mist thing.
I still don't have a job. I've been looking, been interviewed, but I guess I'm not good enough. I have a strategy, though. I'm going to look fabulous the next time. I heard some men hire girls for their looks, not how much work experience or education they have. That's my strategy. I'm onto it. I've lost 8 kilos since I made that decision. I still look kind of cute (and I know I've looked hot at one point since I got hired for two jobs by men that proved to be quite the old perverts).
Oh and I've lost the eight kilos by losing everything that says 'light' from my diet. Apparently you do need whole milk and actual fats to stay fit. You don't eat as much as you've being nourished with less... If you want to lose weight: Lose all that says "light".. I've already dropped all energy drinks since my last toothy experience and a couple more after that. Of course it means I don't get to drink sugary juice or cola. (I do have a cola day. I can drink cola on Fridays. I also have a karkkipäivä (Finnish kids usually have one day a week they can eat candy). That's why our teeth are among the best in world. I'm not sure if I remembered to tell about the last of my wisdom teeth that was removed last autumn. Removing that caused a whole jawbone infection. Jesus Christ the pain... I was basically on horse tranquilizer and antibiotics. I'm glad I don't have to do that ever again. Oh and I now know I have an extra tooth growing above my teeth. It's awesome. I have to upload the röntgen image sometime. Now I'm too lazy.
I must have done something really mean in my previous life for getting this much shit on this one. Well, actually, according to one fortune teller, in my past life I was a chick (that got eaten), before that I was a sailor that was working on a slave ship from Congo to New Amsterdam or something - and before that I was a witch and I'm responsible for poisoning three people. I guess being a chicken once paid all my previous sins and now I'm only getting the minor stuff. Like having mostly shitty life. And J is my price for making this life (after the chicken part) mostly law-abiding.
We've been planning a trip to Sweden and Norway next summer. We, or J, is going to drive the whole 3000 kilometers in seven days. It's going to be hell. I hope the car AC dies or something. I get to visit the world's northernmost IKEA in Haparanda, Sweden. And I get to show J what it looks like in the North. Show him why I love Lapland (no matter if it's Finnish, Swedish or Norwegian Lapland or all of them). I hope he likes it. The scenery up their is something you either love or hate.
First I wanted to go to this awesome little place called "Å i Lofoten". It's a small old fishing village (with all new houses) that rents 'rorbuer' or fishing cabins. I checked it on Google Maps Street View and the scenery was so awesome I instantly knew that's the place I want to go to. Then I found out they charge over 1050 NOK (It's 135€) a night. In a cabin you a) can't get linen for (they charge extra), b) you need to clean the cabin yourself and c) no breakfast. You can get a business class hotel room in Helsinki city for one night with that price - with continental breakfast, swimming pool and a sauna. Lofoten is an experience I can easily pass if two nights there eat almost half of our hotel budget. In Finland, we get two nights with that price in a real hotel room with breakfast and in Sweden, we get two nights and a boat trip for that price. So we changed our plan, we're going to leave Lofoten i Norge for good and just go by and spend the money on a eco whale safari. I don't know about the eco stuff more than they don't roar the engines around the whales. I'd rather go see live whale tails once in my life than pay for too much for a small cabin you have to clean up yourself. I knew Norway was expensive but that expensive. But I heard they get good wages for basically being lazy workers. By the way, I've been learning Norwegian for a few days now. I heard they hate Finns so we need to sound at least Swedish. I'm so glad I can do "sjungande svenska" or 'flowing' Swedish.. It's easier to learn Norwegian when you already know Swedish. But some of the words.. my favorites so far are 'drosje' for taxi and 'sykehus' for hospital - I like the way they sound when you pronounce them with near correct accent.
Oh and I'm so going to work in Norway. After we go check it and if I can master the language there. Of course J will get a job, he's so good at what he does. I don't mind being the mailman. The goddamn mailman earns almost 19€/h. It's a shitload more than here. I heard they are quite the language racists, though, so you really need to speak the language if trying to get a job. In Norway, you pay less taxes, earn more, have more vacation (darned oil money, it's the oil..), they actually encourage having kids.. and they have the most awesome sceneries in the world.. It's my country. The people I'm not so sure of.
... and more about the language. I know I'm good. I speak nearly perfect Canadian accent (yeah, they do have an accent) English, I can speak proper, genuine Swedish.. when I'm not in the country and around people who speak it themselves. When I'm amongst the native speakers I go insecure, tackle with words. Except for when I'm drunk. And I haven't been drunk for a while now.
I better finish this before it turn out to be a goddamn novel.
It's a new year. I still haven't broken my new years promise which was whine less and be nicer to everyone.
I have, indeed, whined less. And I've smiled to people even if they didn't smile back. Everyone should try that every now and then. Surprisingly you feel better if one out of the 200 people you smiled at smiles back.
It's still an awesome winter even though it was two days above zero (centigrade). It's been snowy, cold and awesome. I've been out more this winter than last year combined (and I'm not exaggerating).
We went to see the fireworks on new years eve. It was sad that the whole firework show given by the town was covered in low hanging clouds.. or mist.. or something. It was bizarre, the red, green, blue and golden flashes inside the mist thing.
I still don't have a job. I've been looking, been interviewed, but I guess I'm not good enough. I have a strategy, though. I'm going to look fabulous the next time. I heard some men hire girls for their looks, not how much work experience or education they have. That's my strategy. I'm onto it. I've lost 8 kilos since I made that decision. I still look kind of cute (and I know I've looked hot at one point since I got hired for two jobs by men that proved to be quite the old perverts).
Oh and I've lost the eight kilos by losing everything that says 'light' from my diet. Apparently you do need whole milk and actual fats to stay fit. You don't eat as much as you've being nourished with less... If you want to lose weight: Lose all that says "light".. I've already dropped all energy drinks since my last toothy experience and a couple more after that. Of course it means I don't get to drink sugary juice or cola. (I do have a cola day. I can drink cola on Fridays. I also have a karkkipäivä (Finnish kids usually have one day a week they can eat candy). That's why our teeth are among the best in world. I'm not sure if I remembered to tell about the last of my wisdom teeth that was removed last autumn. Removing that caused a whole jawbone infection. Jesus Christ the pain... I was basically on horse tranquilizer and antibiotics. I'm glad I don't have to do that ever again. Oh and I now know I have an extra tooth growing above my teeth. It's awesome. I have to upload the röntgen image sometime. Now I'm too lazy.
I must have done something really mean in my previous life for getting this much shit on this one. Well, actually, according to one fortune teller, in my past life I was a chick (that got eaten), before that I was a sailor that was working on a slave ship from Congo to New Amsterdam or something - and before that I was a witch and I'm responsible for poisoning three people. I guess being a chicken once paid all my previous sins and now I'm only getting the minor stuff. Like having mostly shitty life. And J is my price for making this life (after the chicken part) mostly law-abiding.
We've been planning a trip to Sweden and Norway next summer. We, or J, is going to drive the whole 3000 kilometers in seven days. It's going to be hell. I hope the car AC dies or something. I get to visit the world's northernmost IKEA in Haparanda, Sweden. And I get to show J what it looks like in the North. Show him why I love Lapland (no matter if it's Finnish, Swedish or Norwegian Lapland or all of them). I hope he likes it. The scenery up their is something you either love or hate.
First I wanted to go to this awesome little place called "Å i Lofoten". It's a small old fishing village (with all new houses) that rents 'rorbuer' or fishing cabins. I checked it on Google Maps Street View and the scenery was so awesome I instantly knew that's the place I want to go to. Then I found out they charge over 1050 NOK (It's 135€) a night. In a cabin you a) can't get linen for (they charge extra), b) you need to clean the cabin yourself and c) no breakfast. You can get a business class hotel room in Helsinki city for one night with that price - with continental breakfast, swimming pool and a sauna. Lofoten is an experience I can easily pass if two nights there eat almost half of our hotel budget. In Finland, we get two nights with that price in a real hotel room with breakfast and in Sweden, we get two nights and a boat trip for that price. So we changed our plan, we're going to leave Lofoten i Norge for good and just go by and spend the money on a eco whale safari. I don't know about the eco stuff more than they don't roar the engines around the whales. I'd rather go see live whale tails once in my life than pay for too much for a small cabin you have to clean up yourself. I knew Norway was expensive but that expensive. But I heard they get good wages for basically being lazy workers. By the way, I've been learning Norwegian for a few days now. I heard they hate Finns so we need to sound at least Swedish. I'm so glad I can do "sjungande svenska" or 'flowing' Swedish.. It's easier to learn Norwegian when you already know Swedish. But some of the words.. my favorites so far are 'drosje' for taxi and 'sykehus' for hospital - I like the way they sound when you pronounce them with near correct accent.
Oh and I'm so going to work in Norway. After we go check it and if I can master the language there. Of course J will get a job, he's so good at what he does. I don't mind being the mailman. The goddamn mailman earns almost 19€/h. It's a shitload more than here. I heard they are quite the language racists, though, so you really need to speak the language if trying to get a job. In Norway, you pay less taxes, earn more, have more vacation (darned oil money, it's the oil..), they actually encourage having kids.. and they have the most awesome sceneries in the world.. It's my country. The people I'm not so sure of.
... and more about the language. I know I'm good. I speak nearly perfect Canadian accent (yeah, they do have an accent) English, I can speak proper, genuine Swedish.. when I'm not in the country and around people who speak it themselves. When I'm amongst the native speakers I go insecure, tackle with words. Except for when I'm drunk. And I haven't been drunk for a while now.
I better finish this before it turn out to be a goddamn novel.
Friday
Clean Bill of Health
So, After some blood tests and discussion with the doctor, I'm healthy. Over healthy - said the doctor since I'm overweight I should have diabetes or something.
I feel shitty, however. Sick - I mean. Well, if I happen to die suddenly, the autopsy should bring peace on the subject. Though by that time I won't be around to hear it.
The Man in my Dreams was way scary last night. All evil this time. Wonder what's heading to my way now..
I feel shitty, however. Sick - I mean. Well, if I happen to die suddenly, the autopsy should bring peace on the subject. Though by that time I won't be around to hear it.
The Man in my Dreams was way scary last night. All evil this time. Wonder what's heading to my way now..
Monday
Night Out
Had a nice night out for a change.. Went out with some friends and my kid sister. It was this place called "Ugly" and it really is ugly. The interior is so far from anything stylish, the popular drinks are served in a potty instead of a glass and their Long Island Ice Tea is wicked. The music went from zero day to way old. The people went from barely legal to way old. Nice place.
Had a wicked strawberry margarita. I don't even remember the last time I had alcohol.
I saw J. He wanted to see me. I said no, it wouldn't do us any good.
Oh, the update. So, my kid sister (the one that our shit-of-a-mum tortured) has moved in my town, she's working and hopefully better. I wish she had more friends, but gladly she has some..
I'm not talking with my other kid sister. She compared me to our mother. That's unforgiven and will stay such.
I'm not talking with my older sister. I'm tired of her stories. They are always the same, bills, money, complaining of people.. And I feel like shit for her life never seems to get any better. And I wish I could make her life better.
I still don't have a job. I've been sending shitload of applications and CV's around. Apparently no one wants to hire a woman. Especially one who looks like me and has been sick since last November.
I had another set of antibiotics for mycoplasma pneumonia. The doctors didn't believe I felt shitty in my lungs until one brave doctor sent me to have blood work done. After the blood test they had to agree I was right (of course I know my body better than them, I've lived with it for over 29 years..) For two weeks I was like a vampire, avoiding sunlight (because the antibiotics made my skin sun allergic). It's been four weeks since I ate the last antibiotics (this time) and I should go have some blood work done. The crappy thing? I don't feel well.
Oof, Sickness Is Rising..
I haven't been on for awhile and have a good reason..
Swine flu, aka spanish flu aka (A)H1N1 - (spanish flu according to conspiracy theories)
Swine flu was pretty easy:
- just like your regular influenza.
However, I have asthma, so I took it seriously.
Got Tamiflu, five days.
After five days went to the doctor, complaining difficulty to breathe, diagnosis: my asthma had gotten worse.
Got Prednisolon, five days. Double dosage of Symbicort.
Went to the doctor, complaining difficulty to breathe. Went for x-rays, blood tests, EKG.
Diagnosis: pneumonia.
Got Amoxillin, ten days
Feeling much better now, but still have this horrible weakness and it's still hard to breathe..
I'm happy to be alive, though. Most people who have died had something wrong with their lungs..
Swine flu, aka spanish flu aka (A)H1N1 - (spanish flu according to conspiracy theories)
Swine flu was pretty easy:
- Fever went up to 38,7 (centigrade) in a few hours
- Dry cough
- Headache (worse than migraine)
- Pressure on chest
- Muscle weakness
- Tiredness
- just like your regular influenza.
However, I have asthma, so I took it seriously.
Got Tamiflu, five days.
After five days went to the doctor, complaining difficulty to breathe, diagnosis: my asthma had gotten worse.
Got Prednisolon, five days. Double dosage of Symbicort.
Went to the doctor, complaining difficulty to breathe. Went for x-rays, blood tests, EKG.
Diagnosis: pneumonia.
Got Amoxillin, ten days
Feeling much better now, but still have this horrible weakness and it's still hard to breathe..
I'm happy to be alive, though. Most people who have died had something wrong with their lungs..
Wednesday
Wanna See My Tooth?
THIS is why you go to a private dentist and do not wait six months for appointment to communal dental care. THIS is why you do NOT drink cola or energy drinks.. THIS is what happens if your kids don't learn to wash their teeth (though this is because of a lot of coca-cola, pepsi and energy drinks, not the fact that my mother didn't bother paying attention to my dental care)..
Introducing my number 32 a.k.a right third molar.
Had two dentists and a nurse jabbing this devil off my mandible.. Last time the dentist didn't look under the gum pocket (cause he was interested in my left molar and time was hurrying) and saw only the healthy part, I think. Because six months ago this tooth made it with honors and for the six months, I was waiting to get my left molar removed..
A horrible, terrible headache and I can't really open my mouth.
Introducing my number 32 a.k.a right third molar.
Had two dentists and a nurse jabbing this devil off my mandible.. Last time the dentist didn't look under the gum pocket (cause he was interested in my left molar and time was hurrying) and saw only the healthy part, I think. Because six months ago this tooth made it with honors and for the six months, I was waiting to get my left molar removed..
A horrible, terrible headache and I can't really open my mouth.
Thursday
Doctors From Hell
Over-golded, trendy clothes, big belly.. This was my doctor today.
He suggested that my high blood pressure that came out of nowhere two days ago is because I might be bi-polar, suffering from migraine or panic disorder. He also said I might be a bit depressed or anxious. He also added that having a history of childhood abuse might effect my mind (no shit, Sherlock). Not to forget he thinks I'm anemic. Oh and let's not forget that he sent me home with blood pressure 30 units higher than it should be.
Nothing's changed, I'm just a bit poorer and yes, my head's still humming, my heart's beating too fast and NOW I'm pissed off too. I though I've had some poor doctors, but this one... The next time I'll go see a doctor is in a body bag. I've had it. No one calls me crazy until I start seeing pink elephants climbing trees.
And apprently I'm wrong about thinking what depression meds did to my sister has something to do with how they'll effect me. After all, we only share most of our genes. But no.
He just wanted to know do I like my life. I had to think a sec. I have J, a few well chosen friends, a nice place to live in, my most important people are alive and the only thing in my life I don't like is school. I, amazingly, like myself. I'm surprisingly happy being fat.
I basically told the doctor to go fuck himself. Well, no, I was polite as always. But I DID ask him why was he being so arrogant. "I'm not being arrogant, you're just being touchy." After a night of takykardia, humming in my ears and worry about my health in all, I'd like to have something else said instead of stating that I'm a mental case.
I'm not. The only thing I don't have the energy to do is school stuff. I can go out (even though my back aches), go shopping, sit on the computer, watch movies, talk with people, play Wii with people, cook, smile, laugh, cry... I am not crazy or even mentally unstable (isn't what all the really crazy people say), I just don't like school, had a tumor-like thingy in my belly (that's still hurting) and a muscle that hasn't healed properly.
It's all in me head, as Mr. Tweedy has to remind himself every now and then (in Chicken Run).
I forgot, there's one annoying, arrogant doctor I like and that's House, MD.
Tune of the moment:
Disturbed - Down With The Sickness
He suggested that my high blood pressure that came out of nowhere two days ago is because I might be bi-polar, suffering from migraine or panic disorder. He also said I might be a bit depressed or anxious. He also added that having a history of childhood abuse might effect my mind (no shit, Sherlock). Not to forget he thinks I'm anemic. Oh and let's not forget that he sent me home with blood pressure 30 units higher than it should be.
Nothing's changed, I'm just a bit poorer and yes, my head's still humming, my heart's beating too fast and NOW I'm pissed off too. I though I've had some poor doctors, but this one... The next time I'll go see a doctor is in a body bag. I've had it. No one calls me crazy until I start seeing pink elephants climbing trees.
And apprently I'm wrong about thinking what depression meds did to my sister has something to do with how they'll effect me. After all, we only share most of our genes. But no.
He just wanted to know do I like my life. I had to think a sec. I have J, a few well chosen friends, a nice place to live in, my most important people are alive and the only thing in my life I don't like is school. I, amazingly, like myself. I'm surprisingly happy being fat.
I basically told the doctor to go fuck himself. Well, no, I was polite as always. But I DID ask him why was he being so arrogant. "I'm not being arrogant, you're just being touchy." After a night of takykardia, humming in my ears and worry about my health in all, I'd like to have something else said instead of stating that I'm a mental case.
I'm not. The only thing I don't have the energy to do is school stuff. I can go out (even though my back aches), go shopping, sit on the computer, watch movies, talk with people, play Wii with people, cook, smile, laugh, cry... I am not crazy or even mentally unstable (isn't what all the really crazy people say), I just don't like school, had a tumor-like thingy in my belly (that's still hurting) and a muscle that hasn't healed properly.
It's all in me head, as Mr. Tweedy has to remind himself every now and then (in Chicken Run).
I forgot, there's one annoying, arrogant doctor I like and that's House, MD.
Tune of the moment:
Disturbed - Down With The Sickness
Monday
India's Pride(s)
Tell me,
Why in India, children born with diseases that cause malformation, are celebrated? Here they'd be hidden inside their homes and operated as soon as possible. In India, it seems to me, they are only operated if their condition causes them pain or difficulty of movement. Children born with too many legs and hands are worshipped as god-sent.
Though I'm heavily opposed to religions, this belief I like. They don't see the children as discusting and non-likeable because of how they are born, but believe they're given something special. A whole village gets famous thus being able to make money.
But why do these stories come out of India only? Are the only Shiva or whatsitsname -children born in India?
What I really don't want to know is how they deal with these children in the countries that do not support this belief (nor the health care system to try to fix them) ..?
Why in India, children born with diseases that cause malformation, are celebrated? Here they'd be hidden inside their homes and operated as soon as possible. In India, it seems to me, they are only operated if their condition causes them pain or difficulty of movement. Children born with too many legs and hands are worshipped as god-sent.
Though I'm heavily opposed to religions, this belief I like. They don't see the children as discusting and non-likeable because of how they are born, but believe they're given something special. A whole village gets famous thus being able to make money.
But why do these stories come out of India only? Are the only Shiva or whatsitsname -children born in India?
What I really don't want to know is how they deal with these children in the countries that do not support this belief (nor the health care system to try to fix them) ..?
Wednesday
Sick
I've been sick for 15 days now.
It's like morning sickness, but the whole day.
I guess it's the bump in my tummy. The thing they found last December, the tumor but not tumor "I've never seen anything like this" -thing.
They'll take it out soon.
It's like morning sickness, but the whole day.
I guess it's the bump in my tummy. The thing they found last December, the tumor but not tumor "I've never seen anything like this" -thing.
They'll take it out soon.
Monday
Getting Lazy
This following text is a product of my thoughts and do NOT represent the thoughts of the people in my country nor its government:
I've come to the conclusion that the better my life goes the less I whine here which means I "blog" only sometimes.
There are three things in the world today.. three little things that piss me off:
1. The "lost world" they recently discovered somewhere in Indonesia. I bet than in six months the place is ruined by the rich people who want different kinds of house plants or unique pets. And dear reader, money gets you anywhere. It's beautiful, untouched, unpopulated forest; there's no evidence of human impact. There are no trails up there, but I bet in a year you'd find a "decent" road. The worst part of this otherwise happy event is that some of the creatures the team came into contact with were unafraid of humans. The team says it did not have time to survey the area completely and they intend to return later in the year. They also say it's within a protected zone. Bah, I say! I wish that place had never been found. It kills me to see the state this poor little ball of ours is heading to.
2. The offensive pictures that have hurt the muslim people. Geez, those were not even bad! I've seen worse! Most of the people who thought of it as an offense were people who are VISITORS in that (and the "western") countr(y)(ies). What gives them the right to cause trouble? Besides, they do much more damage that a few pictures that aren't even funny (nor offensive). I'm not a religious person so I don't understand the fuzz. I wish they'd make nuclear weapons and blow themselves in the air (no.. wait.. they don't even need nuclear bombs for that..) I believe that the less people being able to make a fuzz about little things. They say that their religion is the only pure one. What religion lets people kill other people! And I'm not talking only about islam. And yes, without being a racist or anything close to that I'll state my opinion and it is that THEY are the troublemakers. I'm sorry to not to be brainwashed by any religious bullshit, but that's really my opinion. It's funny that a fable (and religions are fables that we have learned) can do so much trouble. I was raised christian, but I've somehow ended up with the thought that religion itself is the deepest evil humans have produced. Look what the people before us have done when "God" or "Allah" has told them to do something "for the greater good". Where the hell did they drop all the values of human life? When did that happen? Why do we "need" religions?
Don't you friggin' stupid people understand that there's no life after death, no ghosts, no soul. We are just hairless monkeys and we die and rot the same as all the other animals. There's nothing else to it. You just rot. There is no heaven or hell, no place for the good nor the bad. Nothing. When you die, that's just it. Get over your stupid prophecies about the judgement day and the rest of the bullshit you've been fed with all your life!
3. The Avian Influenza. I'm sorry to be so harsh on some unfortunate people (because yes, I do consider myself fortunate for living in a country with decent medical services), but I'd be glad it it killed at least half a billion people around the world. Actually the world would be a rather happy place if the influenza would manage to kill TWO billion in the areas the birth rate is at the highest. Why do they make children when they obviously can't feed them? I'd like to have kids one day, but I won't be makin' them as long as I can't afford to feed them. All these countries depend on international help but won't do anything to help themselves. Just whine. And make more kids (to secure their elder life). HA! Charity and helping are good things but some of the countries (like mine) are in trouble themselves. I'd say let's help ourselves first and then help the others. Think about the diseases that ran on this planet before - or the wars. . Imagine the amount of people the millions of people (who died) would have produced if nature didn't give a little helping hand or someone else... And the amount they'd produce.. and so on and so forth. Do a little math.. And remember to thank the Chinese people who finally understood the damage overpopulation would do to their country and the people, not forgetting about the economy. Now they are really smart people.
By the way - how can it be that the people in Africa, where human life is supposed to be originated - are starving when there has been life and learning human beings for much longer than up here? I just don't understand how it can be possible - the fact that our little country that has had life for a couple of thousand years is doing better than the ones that have had life for 30 000? What makes us so different? Is it something similar to the difference between the Neanderthals and Cro Magnon? I'm not mentioning this to state that the "white" people are smarter. Not at all! I guess smartness has nothing to do with the color of your skin but the chances you get..
I just have a lot of (stupid) questions and thoughts and can't find the answer.
Don't get me wrong, I value all life on Earth despite the different looks and different kind of brainwashing people have received in their early years. I'm just terribly worried. Mostly about the planet itself. I hope that the avian influenza would be the solution of overpopulation - the main cause for all the trouble we're going to be in a few years.
And remember, dear reader, these thoughts are mine and are a result of one kind of a brainwashing. So don't do as SOME have done about a few stupid pictures, eh?
I've come to the conclusion that the better my life goes the less I whine here which means I "blog" only sometimes.
There are three things in the world today.. three little things that piss me off:
1. The "lost world" they recently discovered somewhere in Indonesia. I bet than in six months the place is ruined by the rich people who want different kinds of house plants or unique pets. And dear reader, money gets you anywhere. It's beautiful, untouched, unpopulated forest; there's no evidence of human impact. There are no trails up there, but I bet in a year you'd find a "decent" road. The worst part of this otherwise happy event is that some of the creatures the team came into contact with were unafraid of humans. The team says it did not have time to survey the area completely and they intend to return later in the year. They also say it's within a protected zone. Bah, I say! I wish that place had never been found. It kills me to see the state this poor little ball of ours is heading to.
2. The offensive pictures that have hurt the muslim people. Geez, those were not even bad! I've seen worse! Most of the people who thought of it as an offense were people who are VISITORS in that (and the "western") countr(y)(ies). What gives them the right to cause trouble? Besides, they do much more damage that a few pictures that aren't even funny (nor offensive). I'm not a religious person so I don't understand the fuzz. I wish they'd make nuclear weapons and blow themselves in the air (no.. wait.. they don't even need nuclear bombs for that..) I believe that the less people being able to make a fuzz about little things. They say that their religion is the only pure one. What religion lets people kill other people! And I'm not talking only about islam. And yes, without being a racist or anything close to that I'll state my opinion and it is that THEY are the troublemakers. I'm sorry to not to be brainwashed by any religious bullshit, but that's really my opinion. It's funny that a fable (and religions are fables that we have learned) can do so much trouble. I was raised christian, but I've somehow ended up with the thought that religion itself is the deepest evil humans have produced. Look what the people before us have done when "God" or "Allah" has told them to do something "for the greater good". Where the hell did they drop all the values of human life? When did that happen? Why do we "need" religions?
Don't you friggin' stupid people understand that there's no life after death, no ghosts, no soul. We are just hairless monkeys and we die and rot the same as all the other animals. There's nothing else to it. You just rot. There is no heaven or hell, no place for the good nor the bad. Nothing. When you die, that's just it. Get over your stupid prophecies about the judgement day and the rest of the bullshit you've been fed with all your life!
3. The Avian Influenza. I'm sorry to be so harsh on some unfortunate people (because yes, I do consider myself fortunate for living in a country with decent medical services), but I'd be glad it it killed at least half a billion people around the world. Actually the world would be a rather happy place if the influenza would manage to kill TWO billion in the areas the birth rate is at the highest. Why do they make children when they obviously can't feed them? I'd like to have kids one day, but I won't be makin' them as long as I can't afford to feed them. All these countries depend on international help but won't do anything to help themselves. Just whine. And make more kids (to secure their elder life). HA! Charity and helping are good things but some of the countries (like mine) are in trouble themselves. I'd say let's help ourselves first and then help the others. Think about the diseases that ran on this planet before - or the wars. . Imagine the amount of people the millions of people (who died) would have produced if nature didn't give a little helping hand or someone else... And the amount they'd produce.. and so on and so forth. Do a little math.. And remember to thank the Chinese people who finally understood the damage overpopulation would do to their country and the people, not forgetting about the economy. Now they are really smart people.
By the way - how can it be that the people in Africa, where human life is supposed to be originated - are starving when there has been life and learning human beings for much longer than up here? I just don't understand how it can be possible - the fact that our little country that has had life for a couple of thousand years is doing better than the ones that have had life for 30 000? What makes us so different? Is it something similar to the difference between the Neanderthals and Cro Magnon? I'm not mentioning this to state that the "white" people are smarter. Not at all! I guess smartness has nothing to do with the color of your skin but the chances you get..
I just have a lot of (stupid) questions and thoughts and can't find the answer.
Don't get me wrong, I value all life on Earth despite the different looks and different kind of brainwashing people have received in their early years. I'm just terribly worried. Mostly about the planet itself. I hope that the avian influenza would be the solution of overpopulation - the main cause for all the trouble we're going to be in a few years.
And remember, dear reader, these thoughts are mine and are a result of one kind of a brainwashing. So don't do as SOME have done about a few stupid pictures, eh?
Long time...
It seems to be forever since the last time I felt like saying anything to anyone.
Most of my problems are either long gone or getting smaller. The thing in my tummy wasn't anything dangerous and it's easily removable. But I'm gonna have to get that thing removed soon. Daily headaches, difficulties of breathing, tummy aches, they seem to have disappeared. I'm very happy about that.
The only problem is J, whom I still don't trust. He repeated the internet-dating stuff again, this time with pictures and all. I hated him for that and I still think I do hate him just a little bit. But we're coping. But I'm still being paranoid and - silly - revengeful. I often find myself thinking that if I did that too would it make it easier for me to cope with all J has done to me?
But, I'm still ugly and fat and no one would even look at me.
I have to confess that I kind of miss the first kiss thing - as I have explained before.
One learns to live without some things, though.
... and sometimes sweet memories are greater than new experiences - as I learned a couple of days ago having another bagel in the local deli.
Sadly, one of my teachers passed away on christmas day - he was in his middle fourties and one of my favorites for his funny way of speech. His death made me think I have to take better care of myself. People in this country are more afraid of cancer than the real killer, cardiovascular diseases which apparently were the cause of his death. To avoid early death I'll really have to start thinking of me instead of others. After all we only get one life and it would be silly to waste half of it by dying too soon, eh?
Every day I see stressed people around me and some of them I care about. I'd hate to see them going down.
There are a few people I'd like to get rid of, though. With no regrets.
Most of my problems are either long gone or getting smaller. The thing in my tummy wasn't anything dangerous and it's easily removable. But I'm gonna have to get that thing removed soon. Daily headaches, difficulties of breathing, tummy aches, they seem to have disappeared. I'm very happy about that.
The only problem is J, whom I still don't trust. He repeated the internet-dating stuff again, this time with pictures and all. I hated him for that and I still think I do hate him just a little bit. But we're coping. But I'm still being paranoid and - silly - revengeful. I often find myself thinking that if I did that too would it make it easier for me to cope with all J has done to me?
But, I'm still ugly and fat and no one would even look at me.
I have to confess that I kind of miss the first kiss thing - as I have explained before.
One learns to live without some things, though.
... and sometimes sweet memories are greater than new experiences - as I learned a couple of days ago having another bagel in the local deli.
Sadly, one of my teachers passed away on christmas day - he was in his middle fourties and one of my favorites for his funny way of speech. His death made me think I have to take better care of myself. People in this country are more afraid of cancer than the real killer, cardiovascular diseases which apparently were the cause of his death. To avoid early death I'll really have to start thinking of me instead of others. After all we only get one life and it would be silly to waste half of it by dying too soon, eh?
Every day I see stressed people around me and some of them I care about. I'd hate to see them going down.
There are a few people I'd like to get rid of, though. With no regrets.
One Breaks Down And The Other One Fails
Not knowing where to go is just killing me. It's fuckin' eating me day after day until there's nothing left. I want so many things but don't have the means to get them.
I know I don't belong here. But where is it then? There is always this crazy feeling of not being able to stay where I am, I always want to go somewhere else and maybe be someone else.
Childish, I know.
Can't help it, though.
That's.
Oh, by the way, I wonder if there is anyone in the world who would accept me the way I am? With all my frantics (kill me for wrong word here) and every bad aspects in my nature.
I read Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice two days ago. I liked the story very much - I could, actually, be in Elizabeth Bennet's shoes one day. I'm proud and I'm very prejudical (another wrong word?) and that could be the fact that I'm always misunderstood and misunderstanding.
Funny. My English has been better.
A moment later..
Great. Just got humiliated in front of the class. I hadn't been added to the "learning environment" for that class - so I didn't know about the start date of the course. Which was last week. I checked his home page and boom, nothing there. I asked a simple question why I hadn't been added at all and the teacher started a monologue in which I was the major culprit. Of course I wouldn't have fuckin' asked if I knew that I was late! Of course I wouldn't have been absent from the first class if I'd knew when it was held! There is no prejudice at all when I say that he's an old fart who should be sitting in his diapers in some mental institute.
I know I don't belong here. But where is it then? There is always this crazy feeling of not being able to stay where I am, I always want to go somewhere else and maybe be someone else.
Childish, I know.
Can't help it, though.
That's.
Oh, by the way, I wonder if there is anyone in the world who would accept me the way I am? With all my frantics (kill me for wrong word here) and every bad aspects in my nature.
I read Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice two days ago. I liked the story very much - I could, actually, be in Elizabeth Bennet's shoes one day. I'm proud and I'm very prejudical (another wrong word?) and that could be the fact that I'm always misunderstood and misunderstanding.
Funny. My English has been better.
A moment later..
Great. Just got humiliated in front of the class. I hadn't been added to the "learning environment" for that class - so I didn't know about the start date of the course. Which was last week. I checked his home page and boom, nothing there. I asked a simple question why I hadn't been added at all and the teacher started a monologue in which I was the major culprit. Of course I wouldn't have fuckin' asked if I knew that I was late! Of course I wouldn't have been absent from the first class if I'd knew when it was held! There is no prejudice at all when I say that he's an old fart who should be sitting in his diapers in some mental institute.
Friday
Getting to "okay"
So, A few weeks ago I felt like shit. I felt like shit until this morning, actually.
And after those short hours of actually feeling good...
The bumb in my belly is starting to hurt again and the pain is all over the lower part of my belly. I tried to phone for the scan today but there was no answer. I'm beginning to think that the number isn't valid.
I hope it's not cancer.
Three of my grandparents have died on cancer. It's commonly known, that it might skip one generation and my mother's generation haven't died on cancer. That's apt to be either me or one of my sisters..
Haha, I phoned again. An answer. Finally.
WTF?
I got the appointment on 15th December. There's only one doctor in this town who does the scans once a month and all the appoinments were full until December. Great. Just great.
Does cancer spread in a few months?
And after those short hours of actually feeling good...
The bumb in my belly is starting to hurt again and the pain is all over the lower part of my belly. I tried to phone for the scan today but there was no answer. I'm beginning to think that the number isn't valid.
I hope it's not cancer.
Three of my grandparents have died on cancer. It's commonly known, that it might skip one generation and my mother's generation haven't died on cancer. That's apt to be either me or one of my sisters..
Haha, I phoned again. An answer. Finally.
WTF?
I got the appointment on 15th December. There's only one doctor in this town who does the scans once a month and all the appoinments were full until December. Great. Just great.
Does cancer spread in a few months?
Wednesday
Another Hurricane
Well,
Nature gets really back at the US for polluting, destroying and a million other things the government and people of the US have decided for their own good. I'm glad. Maybe this will teach the all-mighty-USA-people (I know they call themselves "americans" but so are the others who live on the two continent - so I'm not using it) a lesson they should remember for a couple of years. Does anyone remember how big they made 911? In the end it was just a series of stupid ignorance cased that led to to the destruction of the twin towers. That killed some firemen (I'm sure their relatives knew that being a fireman would carry a risk of death) and other people. So the fucking what? The whole 911 incident was about the Pentagon being a bunch of dumb asses.
What's funny about war and stuff is the fact that in the end there's a person that's getting all the blame. Take Bush for instance, he signs the forms his crew does and gives the final word, but he is - nevertheless - just one guy. Go ahead, people of US, blame Bush if that makes you feel better. But if all of the people in the US would state what they think and act what they think, he wouldn't be there giving those orders but there would be someone else. There's always got to be someone else to blame. All the 255 million (or whatever) people in the US could state "we just want to stay here and try not to rule the whole world". So stop whining if you get something back sometimes - whether it's nature or some other country trying to take the highest rank in the world.
US, deal with your own problems, such as the tens of thousands of homeless people, the crime rates, your financial situation, the kids in foster care, the healthcare system and get your own people happy with the money that's in the country and THEN go and try to rule the world, ok?
I'm so sick and tired hearing news in my own country - cuz the news is mainly about the closing hurricane Rita. I don't fuckin' care! I will NOT donate, I will not feel sorry and I hope no one else will too. Check your fucking front yard people. There are SUVs and sports cars, you like it big. That's your own fault that you need as much oil as you do because you drive big cars that need a lot of fuel to keep going. You and your SUV's "for the carpools and taking the kids to their hobbies". Take a look at your own country.
My fellow countrymen are so suckers for everything that comes from North America that it makes me sick! I hate it when little white boys dress like hip-hop stars and speak bad English just to look cool. Mostly the result is the opposite: not cool. I hate the teenage girls who think that the fact - that they get free and good education, free school meals to senior high school, free college - everyone has the opportunity here. The government gives as much as 600 dollars a month just for them to stay in school - is not enough, they want to go to "america" and be fucking supermodels. We can go to the doctor and pay 18 dollars three times a year and they can go as much as they like. If my people goes to dentist, they can either choose the public dentists that goes with the three-time-yearly-pay or private dentist which costs a lot - but the government returns some at least 75 % of the paid amount.
We have high taxes and low wages, but we don't have to pay our brains out if we get sick. We get cuts in our benefits, but the people in my country don't whine - not out loud at least - because we know we have chosen the ones who decide the budget and the cuts that are made.
US earns - what - like a million times more than my little country and they still cannot afford to teach their own people. They can afford war.
And why the hell are you whining "for the lost soldiers in Iraq"?! The people who join the military have to understand that one day they could end up in the middle of front line. Why their families whine for the decicions the soldiers have made? I couldn't care a shit about a soldier abroad, because they have chosen their career. I do computers, they do guns, that's it. And remember, whiners, you could have a word, all you 100 million brainwashed flag worshippers.
I just went for the doctor today. She checked me and told me she wanted me to go to an ultrasound scan for the weird bumb in my belly. That visit cost me 18 dollars. Nothing else. I don't need to pay for the scan, I don't need to pay for further visits this year and what's best, I don't need to beg for charity. Everything in the US seems to be either insurance or charity. Here I know that once I've finished my education I'll go back to work and pay for someone else in my turn. If we go to war we're mostly done because our little country cannot afford self defence. We have 60 fighter planes, tanks and a small army but that wouldn't keep the US out of here for more than a few minutes if they decided that they wanted this land. But I can sleep my nights in peace. There is no point in anyone invading my homeland because we have nothing here, just fields, lakes and hills. No natural resources like oil.
Nature gets really back at the US for polluting, destroying and a million other things the government and people of the US have decided for their own good. I'm glad. Maybe this will teach the all-mighty-USA-people (I know they call themselves "americans" but so are the others who live on the two continent - so I'm not using it) a lesson they should remember for a couple of years. Does anyone remember how big they made 911? In the end it was just a series of stupid ignorance cased that led to to the destruction of the twin towers. That killed some firemen (I'm sure their relatives knew that being a fireman would carry a risk of death) and other people. So the fucking what? The whole 911 incident was about the Pentagon being a bunch of dumb asses.
What's funny about war and stuff is the fact that in the end there's a person that's getting all the blame. Take Bush for instance, he signs the forms his crew does and gives the final word, but he is - nevertheless - just one guy. Go ahead, people of US, blame Bush if that makes you feel better. But if all of the people in the US would state what they think and act what they think, he wouldn't be there giving those orders but there would be someone else. There's always got to be someone else to blame. All the 255 million (or whatever) people in the US could state "we just want to stay here and try not to rule the whole world". So stop whining if you get something back sometimes - whether it's nature or some other country trying to take the highest rank in the world.
US, deal with your own problems, such as the tens of thousands of homeless people, the crime rates, your financial situation, the kids in foster care, the healthcare system and get your own people happy with the money that's in the country and THEN go and try to rule the world, ok?
I'm so sick and tired hearing news in my own country - cuz the news is mainly about the closing hurricane Rita. I don't fuckin' care! I will NOT donate, I will not feel sorry and I hope no one else will too. Check your fucking front yard people. There are SUVs and sports cars, you like it big. That's your own fault that you need as much oil as you do because you drive big cars that need a lot of fuel to keep going. You and your SUV's "for the carpools and taking the kids to their hobbies". Take a look at your own country.
My fellow countrymen are so suckers for everything that comes from North America that it makes me sick! I hate it when little white boys dress like hip-hop stars and speak bad English just to look cool. Mostly the result is the opposite: not cool. I hate the teenage girls who think that the fact - that they get free and good education, free school meals to senior high school, free college - everyone has the opportunity here. The government gives as much as 600 dollars a month just for them to stay in school - is not enough, they want to go to "america" and be fucking supermodels. We can go to the doctor and pay 18 dollars three times a year and they can go as much as they like. If my people goes to dentist, they can either choose the public dentists that goes with the three-time-yearly-pay or private dentist which costs a lot - but the government returns some at least 75 % of the paid amount.
We have high taxes and low wages, but we don't have to pay our brains out if we get sick. We get cuts in our benefits, but the people in my country don't whine - not out loud at least - because we know we have chosen the ones who decide the budget and the cuts that are made.
US earns - what - like a million times more than my little country and they still cannot afford to teach their own people. They can afford war.
And why the hell are you whining "for the lost soldiers in Iraq"?! The people who join the military have to understand that one day they could end up in the middle of front line. Why their families whine for the decicions the soldiers have made? I couldn't care a shit about a soldier abroad, because they have chosen their career. I do computers, they do guns, that's it. And remember, whiners, you could have a word, all you 100 million brainwashed flag worshippers.
I just went for the doctor today. She checked me and told me she wanted me to go to an ultrasound scan for the weird bumb in my belly. That visit cost me 18 dollars. Nothing else. I don't need to pay for the scan, I don't need to pay for further visits this year and what's best, I don't need to beg for charity. Everything in the US seems to be either insurance or charity. Here I know that once I've finished my education I'll go back to work and pay for someone else in my turn. If we go to war we're mostly done because our little country cannot afford self defence. We have 60 fighter planes, tanks and a small army but that wouldn't keep the US out of here for more than a few minutes if they decided that they wanted this land. But I can sleep my nights in peace. There is no point in anyone invading my homeland because we have nothing here, just fields, lakes and hills. No natural resources like oil.
Monday
Do you think there're people on other planets?
"The Universe is a pretty big place... And the one thing I know about nature is it hates to waste anything. So I guess I'd say if it is just us, an awful lot of space is going to waste."
The movie Contact is one of my favorites for a long time. I read the script today just to spend my time between calls to the doctor. I've had this weirdy lump in my belly and on friday it started to hurt. I mean really hurt. So I went to the doctor's today and they didn't get an appointment. Their "books were full". I got an appointment on 21th September and 'til then I've just going to have to wait. What if my appendix decides to blow up in the mean time? Am I going to die? Some have died while waiting.
It's silly, I know. Only a few die. But anyway.
Gives me the creeps.
After our break- up two weeks ago, we've been trying to cope. I can't help it, though, that I keep having break-up -dreams night after night and I've been thinking if it would have been better for me to just take the first available apartment and get my butt out of his life for good.
I heard such things about his mind and the things he does, that I couldn't believe what I was hearing. That reminded me of how little we know about each other anyways. Well, what I know about him, mainly. I tell him everything - I even showed him this blog but he just kept letting me outside. Maybe that was the problem anyways. I've given him a 100% of my being and I don't even know how much he's given me.
It seems like an awful waste of time.
" I was given something wonderful.
Something that changed me. A vision
of the universe that made it
overwhelmingly clear just how tiny
and insignificant -- and at the same
time how rare and precious we all
are. A vision... that tells us we
belong to something greater than
ourselves... that we're not -- that
none of us -- is alone."
The movie Contact is one of my favorites for a long time. I read the script today just to spend my time between calls to the doctor. I've had this weirdy lump in my belly and on friday it started to hurt. I mean really hurt. So I went to the doctor's today and they didn't get an appointment. Their "books were full". I got an appointment on 21th September and 'til then I've just going to have to wait. What if my appendix decides to blow up in the mean time? Am I going to die? Some have died while waiting.
It's silly, I know. Only a few die. But anyway.
Gives me the creeps.
After our break- up two weeks ago, we've been trying to cope. I can't help it, though, that I keep having break-up -dreams night after night and I've been thinking if it would have been better for me to just take the first available apartment and get my butt out of his life for good.
I heard such things about his mind and the things he does, that I couldn't believe what I was hearing. That reminded me of how little we know about each other anyways. Well, what I know about him, mainly. I tell him everything - I even showed him this blog but he just kept letting me outside. Maybe that was the problem anyways. I've given him a 100% of my being and I don't even know how much he's given me.
It seems like an awful waste of time.
" I was given something wonderful.
Something that changed me. A vision
of the universe that made it
overwhelmingly clear just how tiny
and insignificant -- and at the same
time how rare and precious we all
are. A vision... that tells us we
belong to something greater than
ourselves... that we're not -- that
none of us -- is alone."
Tuesday
Fuck It
I'm still sick.
Today I felt really good when I woke up at 7 am. I put my clothes on, put some make up, made my hair.. and then it started again. It's in the knees first, a stinging feeling that gets worse as you move. I knew that and took a painkiller. Then I started to feel lightheaded - just like yesterday. Then I felt like I was about to throw up. I should be in bed right now, but I have some assignments to be finished tomorrow - I haven't even started. I had an appointment to doctor, but I couldn't go on friday - went too sick and didn't even remember that appointment. Shit.
I spent the whole weekend at home as J was working overtime (for the whole weekend, right) and I learnt some Japanese. I learned how to say: "it's cold outside" and "it's warm outside". I also learned the numbers from 1 to 99 so I'll understand when I hear numbers. I also learned that when someone says "atari" it means I did well. Not to forget that I learned how to say good morning, let's eat, good night, my name is & some other stuff. Let's see if I can still remember those tomorrow.
The sun is shining and I want to go out, but I'm too afraid - what if I throw up?
I have to go to school today - but not because of that cute teacher. They are teaching 3DstudioMax and it's been a while since I used it, 'cause I'm learning ScetchUp. Let's hope that after I've eaten, I feel better.
Ittedakimasu!
Today I felt really good when I woke up at 7 am. I put my clothes on, put some make up, made my hair.. and then it started again. It's in the knees first, a stinging feeling that gets worse as you move. I knew that and took a painkiller. Then I started to feel lightheaded - just like yesterday. Then I felt like I was about to throw up. I should be in bed right now, but I have some assignments to be finished tomorrow - I haven't even started. I had an appointment to doctor, but I couldn't go on friday - went too sick and didn't even remember that appointment. Shit.
I spent the whole weekend at home as J was working overtime (for the whole weekend, right) and I learnt some Japanese. I learned how to say: "it's cold outside" and "it's warm outside". I also learned the numbers from 1 to 99 so I'll understand when I hear numbers. I also learned that when someone says "atari" it means I did well. Not to forget that I learned how to say good morning, let's eat, good night, my name is & some other stuff. Let's see if I can still remember those tomorrow.
The sun is shining and I want to go out, but I'm too afraid - what if I throw up?
I have to go to school today - but not because of that cute teacher. They are teaching 3DstudioMax and it's been a while since I used it, 'cause I'm learning ScetchUp. Let's hope that after I've eaten, I feel better.
Ittedakimasu!
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