Still alive

The day came. I knew it from the first moment I woke up. It was going to be the day I died. J was somewhere else, I prepared everything. I called my sister, talked with her for awhile, texted my two step sisters. I didn't tell them anything, as they aren't really my family, only by blood. In my thoughts I was saying goodbye, though. When evening came, I was so calm... I took a mild sedative that is supposed to make you fall asleep easier, but isn't actually sleeping pill. I took a plastic bag. I showered, brushed my teeth, and I was ready. I wrote a letter. It wasn't about apologies, just directions for J, to call the police, then what to do with my body and the stuff he didn't want to sell. I wasn't even scared, so I took the bag and something to attach it with, I think it was packaging tape so it wouldn't come off before the chance. The moment I put the plastic bag over my head, I felt fear of unknown. I told myself that you either do it now or shut up about it forever. I took the bag off, and told myself again that it was now or never. And then it was never. I chose to live. I chose to live a life that has no meaning for me. I am weak. My fear of death overcame the fear of everything ahead. I folded the plastic bag and went to bed, and slept well.

I have regretted my decision already twice, but it holds. Only age, accident or disease will take me away now. This is my hell, and I think I deserve it.

Studying is horrible. Engineering demands a lot. Nursing was like a walk in the sunshine compared to this. Medicine calculations? Ha! Child's play.

In addition to everything, me and J, after almost 12 years, are over. He is over me, that is. There is no other women, nothing strong an concrete. We were decent, and sometimes I was even happy.

I'm moving out just in time for New Year's. We used to watch the fireworks together.

I'm alone. Completely, utterly alone. I never had friends, I don't trust anyone that easily, so I really have no friends, except L. But she's too busy with her own life to attend to me right now.

J.. I let him in, let him know about my childhood, all my pains. Today I recalled the feeling I had when I was eleven and my mother told me not to come home after school or she'd kill me. That day I managed to tell my teacher, who actually believed me, and after that I never went home. I was always a guest at somebody's house, a visitor, a burden that was compensated. Except with him... He took me in. Shared his pains. Today I felt that pain again. The person that was my whole world told me to get out and never return.

I did so many mistakes, said so many things that weren't meant to hurt, but did. He got hurt for the same things he told me, but didn't want to hear said about himself. He had thought things about me, things that weren't true, had things on his mind, but never told me. All those were little things that he either had wrong, or had invented in his own mind were the reason that made him dislike me. I explained everything, everything. I even apologized for things I didn't do. But it didn't help. He has now decided his life will be better without me.

My life won't be. I will never find another man who doesn't hit me, who doesn't smoke nor drink, who has a steady job and a mother who likes me. I don't want anything less than him. Finnish men are all alcoholic nut-cases, at least the ones that are free. I don't want to be a step-mother to anyone else's kids. I don't have kids... and now I'm sure I'll never have them. It would take me at least a couple of years to get over J, another year to find someone, a few years dating, a few years living together, until such things could even be spoken about. And then I'd be way too old to to even have children.

So, for him, this is getting rid of something he blames for ruining his life.

For me.. I'm being abandoned. I'm losing my home and the only person I have ever given complete trust. He's casting me out because of things he said, left undone and imagined. He never asked me how I felt about things, but in his mind, he decided how I felt. When I told her how I felt, we argued, and always, always I changed. Reminded myself that it was my way of thinking and that I should bother him with my my thoughts or worries. Every time we ever had arguments was because I shared my thoughts and feelings and wanted to know. Then I changed again.

Now I have nothing left. I'm not even me. I used to be fearless, a citizen of the world. Now I'm shrunk into this person I don't even like. Just a quiet, pitiful, self-pitying loser. I see now that I was always too easy, too compromizing, too helpful, too non-demanding... I made him the selfish bastard he now is.

So, on 7th of January I will return to school, go through the day and go into my shared apartment, which I haven't even seen but already hate, to roommates ten years younger than I.

This is what I am, at almost 32. A complete mess without direction or anything to hold on to. And the worst part is that it can get worse: I can lose my student grant for not getting ahead fast enough. It's adding to this pressure, for ending up to having to quit school in order to be eligible for welfare. Me, on welfare. Today I told my sister that I always though education would get me out of the stigma our family has always had, menial jobs, barely livable lives, divorce, everything bad. I was wrong. I'm just a loser like everyone else in my family tree.

If I could, I would kill myself. As it now has been established that I can't, I won't.

Accepted

I was accepted.

This is weird. I don't know what made it. Maybe I was the last one who got in, or the quality of the other applicants was bad? Nevertheless, I'm in. At first I was excited, happy. Then I realized that.. regardless of all the butt wiping and the prospect to end up in the geriatrics ward, I would like to be one. I like helping people, and I think I have this.. air, to make people comfortable when they are feeling bad.

Well. I'm going to be an engineer. Means 9 to 5 working hours instead of three-shift work hours. Meaning a better pay. Not having to wipe anyone's ass... Then why am I not happy?

I think I'm one of those people who always has plans and dreams, but unhappy whichever way it goes..

I wonder if I could finish them both at the same time? It's a lot of work.. and there's a lot of practice involved in nursing...

A Little Update

So, I didn't have a chance to finish my last post as something BIG came up.

No, I didn't win in the lottery.

I had complications of the TWO lumbar punctures (at least they gave me a good dose of sedatives. I was practically asleep when they did it) they had to perform on me to find out if I have hypertension in my brain. Somehow my spinal fluid kept on leaking from the punctures, and it caused me a hellish headache. Now, I don't mean a girly headache, nor even a migraine headache. It was pure, evil, awful hell. In a scale of 1 to 10, the headache was a ten, the worst pain I've ever gone through. Think that spinal taps hurt? Nope. Think that needles hurt? Nope. I haven't given birth, but at least it has a reward in the end. This one only hurt.

The funny thing about that headache was that it only worsened when trying to get up. When in bed it was just a minor irritation, like a regular headache, but as soon as I lifted my head... oh boy-o...

So, they needed to patch me up, and it meant two other spinal taps. They took some blood and put it in. It was supposed to patch something, but at first it didn't and the headache returned, but not as bad as it was before the blood patch. I had to return to hospital and I spent five days in the hospital and emergency ward. Only the second blood patch worked, but I had to lay in bed for two weeks until the back pain ceased enough for me to walk.

And the medication.. Ho-ly-crap. It causes me to eat like a horse. I'm constantly hungry, and I don't mean that I crave food, but it's like I haven't had anything to eat for days! It takes a lot, a lot, and a lot more willpower not to indulge. My mouth is always dry, and the things I liked, things that tasted good taste like shit. How about Prednisolon then? Adds to the hunger game. It also adds to swelling, so my face looks like I've gained 20 kilos. Everything is swollen, wobbly and nasty.

I have a theory. What caused this was not my fatty. I've had physical activity more than the recommended amount per week for a year, so it couldn't be just fat-caused. What caused it was the medication for acne (which I don't have. It's folliculitis, the inflammation of the hair follicles, stupid doctor). It's lymecycline. It may cause hypertension in the brain. It also may cause hirsutism (yeah, I have a beard) and several other ailments I always thought to exist because I thought I had been sitting on the computer too long, or simply because I was fat. Nope, it's the drug. I had eaten it for over two years until I figured everything's because of that. First of all, you're only supposed to take it for eight weeks, and maximum of three months. Second, I've complained of all of my symptoms to a doctor AND mentioned the medicine, but none of the doctors ever put one and one together.

One good thing came out of it, anyway. There was a drop dead gorgeous intern in the emergency ward. He was almost ready to take on his duties as a doctor, but he needed some more practice, so he stuck an IV needle in me. He was nervous, I was nervous, and it all ended in a huge pool of blood on the floor. Poor thing. I hope he remembers me, as I insisted that I want a nurse to do it next time. I guess I broke his confidence.

Well, on my way to misery anyway. I applied to engineering, but couldn't make it. It was the first entrance exam I ever practiced for (I've used to getting in where I wanted, except law school where I wanted but didn't bother to study in advance). Huge disappointment. So I'm stuck with nursing school. Nothing else has changed.

Hospital

Yup, it's been a nice week.

On Monday I came in to a eye specialist to have my eyes checked due to loss of sigh in my right eye. Now I'm in the neurological ward after a CAT-scan, MRI, lumbar puncture and various blood tests.

Nobody has told me but I think they are following two theories: either I have MS or IIH. I hope it's the latter because it will ease up with losing weight, and taking some medication. MS will most likely result in very painful death by aspiration of something that will cause a pneumonia or just plainly suffocating.

What made me suspect IIH? I did some research and I came up with something that matches me in the typical patient group, matches the symptoms, and is found by eliminating other possible culprits with a CAT-scan, MRI and lumbar puncture.

A lumbar puncture was done to me yesterday, and it was pure hell. I couldn't relax, and as they found a needle spot...


Edit: They are, indeed, suspecting IIH! The doctor just came to his rounds.

Time To Panic

Okay. I'm officially over 30. I still don't feel a day over 15. When is it coming, adulthood?

I have realized I want to stay at school. I like most of my schoolmates, and I really think this is something I should be doing. I have already told everyone that I'm leaving, so I can't change my mind anymore. I'm feeling this weird, panicky feeling that I shouldn't quit. That this thing should run its course. It's creeping the poo out of me.

Then, there's a girl. If I was gay, I would probably love her.

Her name is Joanne. Her eyes are big and amazing green, and her round face is so beautiful. She even has freckles. She's a bit round, but perfectly so. She looks like a proper woman, and an amazing one. Her accent is amazing. I could listen to her for hours. I would like to be her friend, but I have wanted to make friends with so many people who ended up disappointing me badly. So I won't even try, though we are about the same age and at a similar situation in life.. Our nephews are even about the same age. I know I'll probably lose a potential friend here, but I'd rather like her when I don't properly know her. So, she'll only be my friend in my short story.

A Vivid Dream & Some School

Again I had such a vivid dream it has been hard to concentrate. I only remember a pair of piercing blue eyes, messy faux-hawk hairdo, and an amazing, amazing body. And again kisses that do not happen. What's with the goddamn kisses that don't happen? I need a Joseph or someone to explain these dreams.

And I decided to quit the school. I want to be a nurse, and I'm sure I would make a good one, but I will not be wiping people's asses for the rest of my life. Gerontology is up and coming subject, but I haven't spent almost my whole life in school to wipe other people's asses. That job is for the ones who drop out of high school.

Beautiful Winter

Oh, until after Christmas, it mostly rained. The weather was gray.. I was so longing for winter, a proper one with everything nice included, like snow. Now I have it. Everything is covered with snow, and now that the Sun is showing itself a bit more everyday, it's so beautiful to wake up. The only thing I want to complain ('cause you always have to complain) is how cold it is. They predicted a nice -26 (centigrade), and I think it's a bit too much.. you can go outside only if you wear something that looks like you're trying to reach the South Pole. But I don't really mind. The view from our bedroom window is amazing: I can see kilometer after kilometer of tree line, hills and sky. It's amazing!

I heard one American exchange student complain why a snow day doesn't cancel school or close shops. It barely snowed fifteen centimeters that day! He said they close schools for that. That's nuts... I get it if snows for nine days, and fifteen centimeters each day - at least, but this? Or then us Finns have some bolts loose in our head. We consider walking to school knee deep in snow perfectly normal, and it only stops the old folks or people who commute by bike. Of course, the people in the southern part of the country suddenly forget they don't live in tropical environment when it snows a little. They also usually forget how to drive a car. But the rest of us, we manage quite well, despite of the "snow chaos!" -headlines the papers make after a bit of snow.

Oh, and I quit playing Sims 3. It's crazy how badly it's done. It requires so much resources from a computer. I already have a high-end computer, with fast hard drives in RAID, and still the game lags. And I also think that I have reached my limit of seeing useless stuff being sold for way too much money. And they STILL don't have weather in Sims 3, which sucks. I want snow, thunder, rain, hurricanes...

In Love

I woke up today, utterly smack smitten in love. It's been crazy this morning. I don't even know whom I'm in love with, but it feels like I've just met someone and fallen knee deep in love. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with a dream I had a few nights ago. I think I kissed someone in that dream. I knew him but I didn't know his name. It wasn't the man in my dreams, however. I usually know it's him when I wake up, but this was someone else.

The dream was weird anyway. It was a boarding school of some kind, and I was the house mother, and there was a man, maybe he was the house father then.. We were on a patrol in the corridor when he grabbed me by the waist, pulled closer and told me how he had wanted to kiss me forever. Then he started to kiss me, but pulled away just as it would have counted as a kiss. Then he started again, but our lips barely touched. Then again. I wanted him to kiss me so badly I woke up. :D

Or then I'm so entwined in my overgrown short story I'm mixing up life and reality. I was thinking about changing my character names to something less obvious, as I'm pretty sure everyone would recognize them. I have done such a good work in describing them, and I've used names connected to them.. Maybe I shouldn't have. People who are not connected to me, but are real is a bad choice. Just a tip to other scribblers.

But nevertheless, today I'm happy. Today is the best day for a long time... and I'm sure by the time I get home... Well, let's just say there hasn't been love for such a long time between us. Yes, he is still my best friend, but friendship isn't enough when I want to be in love, to be the center of the world for someone, for at least some time. I want to feel pretty, and kiss someone with feelings other than "let's get this over now, like every day..."

But, a reality check: love doesn't last for many years anyway. It's useless to leave someone just because you've reached a level of companionship rather then lovers. It's useless to leave someone because with the other one, you'll end up in friendship, sooner or later. Or then you start hating each other.

Another Writer's Block

I have been trying to write my short story, but what I mostly get is bullshit. The story is now over 100 pages though I have thrown out so much. I think I have written approximately 200 pages... and I'm happy with one page. And I desperately need someone to read it and give feedback, but there's no one I trust enough to read it, or no one who'd I want feedback from. It's mostly something that has happened to me and would reveal too much from myself. The setting, people and some events are of course different, but a person who'd read it would know some things I'd like to keep secret. So, the reader can't be anyone I know, or who knows my friends and family

Politics

So, the presidential election is on its way in Finland. I have already voted, and I hope my candidate doesn't win, because he's needed elsewhere. The person who's most likely to win is also not a bad choice, 'cause he already has years of experience and he's not a dumbass, like all the female candidates. Other, a deeply religious person is like Palin, and the other is like an escapee from a mental institute.. I would have voted for a woman if it was any other than those two... and of course the current president who is only interested in giving the immigrants, gays and lesbians everything they wish for at the expense of the rest of us.

So, I've tried to get people  voting. Not for my candidate of course, but  vote. Some of the young people in the country think that voting empty makes a statement. But it doesn't. They try to explain that there are no candidates for their liking, but I disagree. "It's always a choice between a douche and a turd sandwich". I think Stan said that.

I think only the people who do not have the right to vote or live in a country the elections are rigged, can appreciate the freedom to vote.

Well, if you are reading this, go vote. And if it's a choice between a douche and a turd sandwich, choose the one who is less a bother.

Apparently There Are Saints...

The only thing in Islam I can respect is something that came out of a woman's mouth:

"I want to put out the fires of Hell, and burn down the rewards of Paradise. They block the way to God. I do not want to worship from fear of punishment or for the promise of reward, but simply for the love of God!" - رابعة العدوية القيسية