I'm so happy. It seems that we're getting a proper winter this year too! It's been snowing. Today it's about ten degrees below zero (centigrade) and it's been like this for a few weeks. The trees are covered in frost and everything seems mostly white. It's so pretty outside it makes me smile. I went for a walk the other day and noticed I was smiling the whole time I was out there. The walk was nice until yesterday when I noticed my sartorius is so stiff I can barely stand up straight. I guess it's the downside of never exercising.
Oh, a few weeks ago I had this very strange fever attack. I was fine at six and was down with a 39,5 degrees (centigrade) fever by eight. I was so hurting everywhere, cold, hot - everything by ten in the evening I thought I was going to die. I took some pills and had the fever down by next morning. Since that fever I've felt like shit (or even shittier), headachy and nauseous..
I forgot to tell we gave up the bird, our agapornis. She didn't work well with us being by herself so we gave her to someone who had company for her. Since that I've felt I won't be taking any pets from this day on.
I'm still out of work.
Friday
Thursday
Romantic Dreams
I had such a romantic dream last night I've been smiling the whole day.
Smiling like an idiot, actually.
Smiling like an idiot, actually.
Tuesday
Burn a Quran, Save the Earth
You give the muslims free passes to demand everything they wish for giving up on their terrorism, other crimes and threats.
Don't you stupid fuckers ever learn that islam isn't about peace and there aren't extremists, they are either muslim or not, there is no middle ground!
I'm ashamed to see my country is full of idiots who believe that if you give them places to worship, money and education, you can habitate them to society. That will never happen. They just demand more and more since you're stupid enough to give.
Being peaceful isn't in the Islam agenda! Don't you start getting it after every claim they make and it's not accepted, they blow up something or burn cars. In France, they rioted because one criminal was actually in trial and got judged and the normal racist/cultural difference didn't get a free pass!
They are talking about locking your wives and daughters inside your houses. Your daughters not being able to marry for love but them to get married with some old perv who rapes them over and over again and are allowed to beat them up for saying what's in their mind. (And no, I'm not mentioning Muhammed and his 9 year old wife!). If you have an inch of non-rotten brain you don't let that hell into your country! Sweden did and see what's already happened? Emergency services won't go into same neighborhoods with muslims. Women are daily killed for trying to live life as they are entitled: free.
And if you don't take up on their faith, you are free kill. How's that for your "let all flowers grow" -mentality? Even if you care only about the insides of your wallet, I'm sure you have some consideration to your life? Or not even that, how about your wallet? 'Cause one way to deal with bloodthirsty muslims is to pay them for your life.
Get off you high horse and stop believing all the shit oil money fueled media feeds you. Please, do some research - you don't even have to do much - so you'll know I'm right.
Get off your high horse and start understanding that the fuckers you let order you around today might have your grandchildren as slaves or worse, dead.
By the way. For stating the obvious, I might be jailed one day. That's how far we are already.
Don't you stupid fuckers ever learn that islam isn't about peace and there aren't extremists, they are either muslim or not, there is no middle ground!
I'm ashamed to see my country is full of idiots who believe that if you give them places to worship, money and education, you can habitate them to society. That will never happen. They just demand more and more since you're stupid enough to give.
Being peaceful isn't in the Islam agenda! Don't you start getting it after every claim they make and it's not accepted, they blow up something or burn cars. In France, they rioted because one criminal was actually in trial and got judged and the normal racist/cultural difference didn't get a free pass!
They are talking about locking your wives and daughters inside your houses. Your daughters not being able to marry for love but them to get married with some old perv who rapes them over and over again and are allowed to beat them up for saying what's in their mind. (And no, I'm not mentioning Muhammed and his 9 year old wife!). If you have an inch of non-rotten brain you don't let that hell into your country! Sweden did and see what's already happened? Emergency services won't go into same neighborhoods with muslims. Women are daily killed for trying to live life as they are entitled: free.
And if you don't take up on their faith, you are free kill. How's that for your "let all flowers grow" -mentality? Even if you care only about the insides of your wallet, I'm sure you have some consideration to your life? Or not even that, how about your wallet? 'Cause one way to deal with bloodthirsty muslims is to pay them for your life.
Get off you high horse and stop believing all the shit oil money fueled media feeds you. Please, do some research - you don't even have to do much - so you'll know I'm right.
Get off your high horse and start understanding that the fuckers you let order you around today might have your grandchildren as slaves or worse, dead.
By the way. For stating the obvious, I might be jailed one day. That's how far we are already.
Swedish "valet" and Racism
The Swedish election this year brought a shocking news: A party that tries to take regular swede's living and being under their wing is getting smoked out of the building. Why? Of course there's the explanation of today: racism. They are racist. They are trying to get rid of the immigrants who refuse to work, force the people in Sweden to accept their ways and commit the majority of crimes in the whole country. Stating this I'm actually racist, because it is forbidden to say what you think in a country ran by people who claim to accept anything and anyone who ever feel like exploiting the very good social system Sweden offers to its nationals.
No, really, I'm not racist. I don't promote violence towards the immigrants, I do not want them dead, hurt, isolated or anything like that.
I just don't want the tax money we pay to go to people who do not even try to learn the language, behave and get a job or education. These people don't try. 99% don't give a shit.
Almost every immigrant from non-western country has committed a crime. They don't get punished properly. They don't lose any of their privileges, they don't get deported.
In Finland, an immigrant who comes to the border, claims to be in search of asylum is given their own apartments, money from 1000£ to 5000£ depending on how much they can milk out of different agencies meant for the Finnish people. They complain that the people are racist, there are no jobs for them and they are not accepted to schools. Yeah. Racism, the magic word.
I know a few immigrants who actually attend school. I know a few that work, but everyone of them is either from a northen European country, from the UK, US, Canada, Australia...
None of the ones who come from Africa or Middle East (and now Eastern Europe) work. Well, they do run "ethnic" eateries (offering pizza and kebab) and they are celebrated by the government, that this is the immigrant material we need. However, they receive a three year tax free operation bonus, starting money and constant monetary support. A Finn has to take a loan to start their own business. When the three years of tax free operation bonus ends they name their children the owners of the eatery and again another three year run.
It's humiliating to notice that a Finn who goes to KELA (The social insurance institution of Finland - helps the poorer Finns) or Social Services goes there in dire need of food and shelter. The immigrants drive their social services paid cars there. I've seen an immigrant driving a brand new BMW.
They forbid their wifes to work, they teach their children that not working is okay. They do not bother to learn the language, since they'd have to go to school and work and pay taxes if they did. They do not bother to do anything but complain and milk any money they can. And that money is away from the ones who it's been gathered for: the less fortunate Finns and Swedes.
Four immigrant children are paid for their own language course. A group of sixteen Finns is needed to get a course on a language they want and need to learn.
Rheumatism specialised hospital was closed because the city couldn't find the four million euros it needed to operate. However, the city was able to find the funds for a immigrant center (that houses people who come as refugees or asylum seekers).
Schools are closed, the groups are getting bigger (in a country that's famous for its excellent education) and at the same time smaller groups are offered for immigrants.
We don't have enough money to hire more doctors, teachers, nurses, police or people we need. Because we pay for immigrants who don't care about anything else than their weird religion and beating up their women.
Ghettos are forming. The natives are not interested in living with people who claim to be above the rules of the country. They do what they want to do and some even congratulate them. Cultural enrichment it's called. There are some areas in Sweden that the police don't go. But it's racist to say the immigrants need to integrate, yeah, that's what the idealistic idiots who don't have a single ounce of understanding of anything say. The idiots who are elected by their friends.. Small elite runs both Sweden and Finland and they are the reason the majority of tax payers are suffering. They say that the Finns are racist. When they do not live with the immigrants in the same neighborhoods. Their children go to private schools where they are against racism but don't get to see how a muslim boy exorts the teacher to give him good grades (or else it's racism)..
A car gets stopped after some weird behavior on the road. The windows are darkened so we don't see who drives it. After the driver openes the window we see it's an immigrant. The police explains what's going on. The driver says: "It's racist to stop me.."
Oh, and a criminal lives in the same house with me. Actually he's the relative of a major war criminal from an eastern european country. He hasn't even bothered to change his name. He's here on asylum status and everything he needs is paid while his victims suffer in their own country or are dead. He's the one who said he'd kill me.
Who the fuck came up with the idea that it's okay to yell racist every time when someone doesn't share your childish idealism?
The immigrants (that come with seeking for asylum -status) are trouble. They rape women, they commit way more crimes in relation to how many there are. They require priviliges without paying anything back. Not even a certain humility of knowing they are paid by everyone around them.
And I'm not talking about the people who are brought here from refugee camps. They are the ones in need, not the ones who come here with a plane ticket they pay.
I'm not talking about the real immigrants that come to the country willing to work, learn the language, pay taxes and live. I'm talking about that useless population that comes here like a rat infestation that only leaves when the boat is sinking.
That's what's happening. The boat is sinking.
This is what the Sverigedemokraten in Sweden and Perussuomalaiset in Finland are trying to avoid. That's why I'd vote for them.
Sweden is going for re-election. The majority parties are trying to get Sverigedemokraternas out. I hope they don't succeed. It's time the leeches are stopped.
And a little note: Perussuomalaiset doesn't have neo nazi nor racist background. It's the bigger party ran media that claims it. Everyone claims to know that Perussuomalaiset's are racist but I don't see an inch racism in their Election manifest. Do some research before you make your uncivilized notions.
No, really, I'm not racist. I don't promote violence towards the immigrants, I do not want them dead, hurt, isolated or anything like that.
I just don't want the tax money we pay to go to people who do not even try to learn the language, behave and get a job or education. These people don't try. 99% don't give a shit.
Almost every immigrant from non-western country has committed a crime. They don't get punished properly. They don't lose any of their privileges, they don't get deported.
In Finland, an immigrant who comes to the border, claims to be in search of asylum is given their own apartments, money from 1000£ to 5000£ depending on how much they can milk out of different agencies meant for the Finnish people. They complain that the people are racist, there are no jobs for them and they are not accepted to schools. Yeah. Racism, the magic word.
I know a few immigrants who actually attend school. I know a few that work, but everyone of them is either from a northen European country, from the UK, US, Canada, Australia...
None of the ones who come from Africa or Middle East (and now Eastern Europe) work. Well, they do run "ethnic" eateries (offering pizza and kebab) and they are celebrated by the government, that this is the immigrant material we need. However, they receive a three year tax free operation bonus, starting money and constant monetary support. A Finn has to take a loan to start their own business. When the three years of tax free operation bonus ends they name their children the owners of the eatery and again another three year run.
It's humiliating to notice that a Finn who goes to KELA (The social insurance institution of Finland - helps the poorer Finns) or Social Services goes there in dire need of food and shelter. The immigrants drive their social services paid cars there. I've seen an immigrant driving a brand new BMW.
They forbid their wifes to work, they teach their children that not working is okay. They do not bother to learn the language, since they'd have to go to school and work and pay taxes if they did. They do not bother to do anything but complain and milk any money they can. And that money is away from the ones who it's been gathered for: the less fortunate Finns and Swedes.
Four immigrant children are paid for their own language course. A group of sixteen Finns is needed to get a course on a language they want and need to learn.
Rheumatism specialised hospital was closed because the city couldn't find the four million euros it needed to operate. However, the city was able to find the funds for a immigrant center (that houses people who come as refugees or asylum seekers).
Schools are closed, the groups are getting bigger (in a country that's famous for its excellent education) and at the same time smaller groups are offered for immigrants.
We don't have enough money to hire more doctors, teachers, nurses, police or people we need. Because we pay for immigrants who don't care about anything else than their weird religion and beating up their women.
Ghettos are forming. The natives are not interested in living with people who claim to be above the rules of the country. They do what they want to do and some even congratulate them. Cultural enrichment it's called. There are some areas in Sweden that the police don't go. But it's racist to say the immigrants need to integrate, yeah, that's what the idealistic idiots who don't have a single ounce of understanding of anything say. The idiots who are elected by their friends.. Small elite runs both Sweden and Finland and they are the reason the majority of tax payers are suffering. They say that the Finns are racist. When they do not live with the immigrants in the same neighborhoods. Their children go to private schools where they are against racism but don't get to see how a muslim boy exorts the teacher to give him good grades (or else it's racism)..
A car gets stopped after some weird behavior on the road. The windows are darkened so we don't see who drives it. After the driver openes the window we see it's an immigrant. The police explains what's going on. The driver says: "It's racist to stop me.."
Oh, and a criminal lives in the same house with me. Actually he's the relative of a major war criminal from an eastern european country. He hasn't even bothered to change his name. He's here on asylum status and everything he needs is paid while his victims suffer in their own country or are dead. He's the one who said he'd kill me.
Who the fuck came up with the idea that it's okay to yell racist every time when someone doesn't share your childish idealism?
The immigrants (that come with seeking for asylum -status) are trouble. They rape women, they commit way more crimes in relation to how many there are. They require priviliges without paying anything back. Not even a certain humility of knowing they are paid by everyone around them.
And I'm not talking about the people who are brought here from refugee camps. They are the ones in need, not the ones who come here with a plane ticket they pay.
I'm not talking about the real immigrants that come to the country willing to work, learn the language, pay taxes and live. I'm talking about that useless population that comes here like a rat infestation that only leaves when the boat is sinking.
That's what's happening. The boat is sinking.
This is what the Sverigedemokraten in Sweden and Perussuomalaiset in Finland are trying to avoid. That's why I'd vote for them.
Sweden is going for re-election. The majority parties are trying to get Sverigedemokraternas out. I hope they don't succeed. It's time the leeches are stopped.
And a little note: Perussuomalaiset doesn't have neo nazi nor racist background. It's the bigger party ran media that claims it. Everyone claims to know that Perussuomalaiset's are racist but I don't see an inch racism in their Election manifest. Do some research before you make your uncivilized notions.
Monday
News
No, actually there's no news.
I got two last wisdom teeth removed. Got a horrible, painful infection. Been on antibiotics since.
The heat-hell of summer is over (yippikayee) and it's fall. Leaves are turning yellow. It was hell. Been sitting inside most of July and August.
I watched My Stepmother is An Alien (starring Dan Aykroyd and Kim Basinger) from year X before Y (=old). I still liked it. It was entertaining.
I started playing EVE Online again. Let's see if I can play it long enough to go past trial.
I haven't written ANYTHING whole summer. Been thinking of it. Had good ideas. Still don't got the talent.
Have started a dream journal (yes, pen on paper). Funky dreams.
I feel sick as hell. Every day something new and the old ones don't go away. Now either I'm going crazy (hypochondriac crazy) or I have AIDS.
Other than that, life's peachy.
I got two last wisdom teeth removed. Got a horrible, painful infection. Been on antibiotics since.
The heat-hell of summer is over (yippikayee) and it's fall. Leaves are turning yellow. It was hell. Been sitting inside most of July and August.
I watched My Stepmother is An Alien (starring Dan Aykroyd and Kim Basinger) from year X before Y (=old). I still liked it. It was entertaining.
I started playing EVE Online again. Let's see if I can play it long enough to go past trial.
I haven't written ANYTHING whole summer. Been thinking of it. Had good ideas. Still don't got the talent.
Have started a dream journal (yes, pen on paper). Funky dreams.
I feel sick as hell. Every day something new and the old ones don't go away. Now either I'm going crazy (hypochondriac crazy) or I have AIDS.
Other than that, life's peachy.
Friday
Clean Bill of Health
So, After some blood tests and discussion with the doctor, I'm healthy. Over healthy - said the doctor since I'm overweight I should have diabetes or something.
I feel shitty, however. Sick - I mean. Well, if I happen to die suddenly, the autopsy should bring peace on the subject. Though by that time I won't be around to hear it.
The Man in my Dreams was way scary last night. All evil this time. Wonder what's heading to my way now..
I feel shitty, however. Sick - I mean. Well, if I happen to die suddenly, the autopsy should bring peace on the subject. Though by that time I won't be around to hear it.
The Man in my Dreams was way scary last night. All evil this time. Wonder what's heading to my way now..
Monday
Night Out
Had a nice night out for a change.. Went out with some friends and my kid sister. It was this place called "Ugly" and it really is ugly. The interior is so far from anything stylish, the popular drinks are served in a potty instead of a glass and their Long Island Ice Tea is wicked. The music went from zero day to way old. The people went from barely legal to way old. Nice place.
Had a wicked strawberry margarita. I don't even remember the last time I had alcohol.
I saw J. He wanted to see me. I said no, it wouldn't do us any good.
Oh, the update. So, my kid sister (the one that our shit-of-a-mum tortured) has moved in my town, she's working and hopefully better. I wish she had more friends, but gladly she has some..
I'm not talking with my other kid sister. She compared me to our mother. That's unforgiven and will stay such.
I'm not talking with my older sister. I'm tired of her stories. They are always the same, bills, money, complaining of people.. And I feel like shit for her life never seems to get any better. And I wish I could make her life better.
I still don't have a job. I've been sending shitload of applications and CV's around. Apparently no one wants to hire a woman. Especially one who looks like me and has been sick since last November.
I had another set of antibiotics for mycoplasma pneumonia. The doctors didn't believe I felt shitty in my lungs until one brave doctor sent me to have blood work done. After the blood test they had to agree I was right (of course I know my body better than them, I've lived with it for over 29 years..) For two weeks I was like a vampire, avoiding sunlight (because the antibiotics made my skin sun allergic). It's been four weeks since I ate the last antibiotics (this time) and I should go have some blood work done. The crappy thing? I don't feel well.
Friday
This Is So Silly
just bumped into a picture on the web. Just randomly browsing and I hit this picture. I didn't know who this guy was but something in that small pic made me hit it and enlarge it. I burst into tears. I couldn't breathe. I don't mean like this fake girl thing you read in novels and stuff, but I was unable to breathe, like I had an asthma attack. I couldn't stop crying.
I might have spoken about the man in my dreams. The man I've seen in my dreams since I was a little girl, six or seven! So it's been forever. Before I even watched tv. It was this distinctive look that has changed only a bit in all this time. Sometimes this man in my dreams was the devil, an angel, someone I had a crush on.. but the looks never changed really much.
The man in my dreams is a real person. He has been living and breathing all my life. I have never seen him nor heard of him.
This is so freaky, scary, stupid, everything.
Imagine my disappointment when I realized he's really someone. First I thought I might have seen him in a movie or in photos.. so I started some extensive studying and I was glad to find out that I have never seen any shows he has been on, has only done little things that'll go straight to dvd or get cancelled - so they never arrive to my country.
The creepiest stuff.. I started watching his show and saw him exactly in the same clothes the man in my dreams wears. He even smiles the same way. That is so creepy I hate it. It almost made me throw up, really. Twice.
So, Alex O'Loughlin, he looks just like someone I've known all my life. Why the hell couldn't he be someone else? A no one. But now this all ends up to being a crush over a celebrity, no matter how much I explain it. I wish I had my old diaries so I'd have some proof. But my shit of-a-mother has destroyed them. Or given them. Or sold them..
Anyway, I'm still spooked after three days.
And I hate the show Moonlight, because in that show a character has seen this man in her dreams since she was a little girl after he had saved her from death. I saw him first... In real life dreams! Fuck you. I have had that in REAL LIFE. For 22 years!
EDIT: So I photoshopped. Or Gimped in this case. This is the difference between Alex and the man in my dreams. Clickety click to notice the difference in larger amounts..
Tuesday
It's Almost Spring, So.. Babies!
Just a pic today:
Trying to keep the young ones alive now that their mum ditched them..
Trying to keep the young ones alive now that their mum ditched them..
Friday
Kisses That Do Not Happen
So,
I've noticed that movies don't have these liplocking, twisting, raw Clark Gable -type kisses anymore, but kisses that do not happen.
First kiss that didn't happen - and I noticed was in Identity, where Ed and Paris argue in the rain and he leans to her as to kiss her but never does. Kissing her would have ended the angry, fear filled situation but not kissing her ended it up too. Just the almost -moment there... Just a second in the movie. I didn't really enjoy the rest, though I have it on DVD.
Another kiss that doesn't happen comes in the middle of an argument - in rain - as Mr. Darcy confesses his love and proposes to Lizzie, who is pissed off by the way he arguments the difference in their situation in life. The kiss doesn't happen because of the propriety rules of the time. Check Pride & Prejudice starring Keira Knightley to see the moment.
My favorite kiss that doesn't happen is in Stardust. While Tristan and Yvaine are walking towards the village of Wall, Tristan pushes Yvaine to a bush to hide from the people coming towards them. He falls on her and she asks isn't he tempted (to kill her and have her heart for eternal life) and it seems to the viewer that she asks him doesn't he feel tempted to kiss her and he almost does. Check Stardust with Claire Danes and Charlie Cox.
I think I like kisses that don't happen in life too.
This one guy who would have kissed me but didn't have a chance since we were interrupted, I never got to know what kind of a kisser he was and now I'm free to imagine he would have been the perfect one. He was also devilishly handsome, so way out of my league.
There have been kisses that I wish didn't happen..
...and kisses that were meant to happen.
I love kisses. I'm in a kissing mood today. Wish I had someone to kiss.
I've noticed that movies don't have these liplocking, twisting, raw Clark Gable -type kisses anymore, but kisses that do not happen.
First kiss that didn't happen - and I noticed was in Identity, where Ed and Paris argue in the rain and he leans to her as to kiss her but never does. Kissing her would have ended the angry, fear filled situation but not kissing her ended it up too. Just the almost -moment there... Just a second in the movie. I didn't really enjoy the rest, though I have it on DVD.
Another kiss that doesn't happen comes in the middle of an argument - in rain - as Mr. Darcy confesses his love and proposes to Lizzie, who is pissed off by the way he arguments the difference in their situation in life. The kiss doesn't happen because of the propriety rules of the time. Check Pride & Prejudice starring Keira Knightley to see the moment.
My favorite kiss that doesn't happen is in Stardust. While Tristan and Yvaine are walking towards the village of Wall, Tristan pushes Yvaine to a bush to hide from the people coming towards them. He falls on her and she asks isn't he tempted (to kill her and have her heart for eternal life) and it seems to the viewer that she asks him doesn't he feel tempted to kiss her and he almost does. Check Stardust with Claire Danes and Charlie Cox.
I think I like kisses that don't happen in life too.
This one guy who would have kissed me but didn't have a chance since we were interrupted, I never got to know what kind of a kisser he was and now I'm free to imagine he would have been the perfect one. He was also devilishly handsome, so way out of my league.
There have been kisses that I wish didn't happen..
...and kisses that were meant to happen.
I love kisses. I'm in a kissing mood today. Wish I had someone to kiss.
Sunday
A Gay Surprise on the Double
So,
a friend came out of the closet with a nice declaration of relationship to a person of the same sex. Everybody's known his interests forever, but no one ever actually said it or asked about it and he has never told himself. I was never sure and we're not that close, he's a friend of a good friend.
I'm not against gay people. That's the way they were coded and this is they way I was coded, there's nothing anyone can do about it.
So why are my thoughts so weird?
Has he told his parents?
What does is ex-girlfriend think now? Does she think she made her gay because of their botched relationship?
I hope I hadn't said anything bad against gay people in front of him.
I hope I didn't try to match him with a girl...
That kind of thoughts.
Everyone else has been congratulating and being happy. I'm just numb. Why can't I feel happy or am I - somewhere I don't want to let myself know - against the homosexuals?
I tried to think being gay is against the nature, that the default is something between a woman and a man. But it is natural. We're monkeys and monkeys have homosexual encounters. They are not driven away or shunned. The Greek based their relationships between the men and the women were only for breeding. The mightiest thinkers on Earth, the Greeks. The fathers of drama. There's nothing really weird about being gay. I just can't see it any other way than it's obvious.
So why is it bothering me? Well, not bothering but raising these weird, useless thoughts?
Well, there's one thing that really bothers me. I posted my thoughts on Facebook. I guess I wrote it so that one person got it the wrong way and asked me what I meant by it and added; "I was only thinking because, you know, I'm gay.." Now, in his profile he says he is interested in men, but I always thought it was a joke. He's that kind of a person, into weird jokes that are sometimes baffling, so I thought this was one of them. So he's gay too. I've known him - though not so well, more like every third weekend, lately Facebook kind of known - for almost nine years and it never occurred to me. So he's been openly gay all this time and I thought it was a joke. Should I be ashamed or does it mean I'm really so okay with this stuff that I don't have a real stand on this. No real opinion.
This doesn't change how I feel about these people or change the way I treat them, I don't actually care. But why these thoughts? It can't be because I'd regret the things I've said or done in front of them, they already know I'm an idiot.
a friend came out of the closet with a nice declaration of relationship to a person of the same sex. Everybody's known his interests forever, but no one ever actually said it or asked about it and he has never told himself. I was never sure and we're not that close, he's a friend of a good friend.
I'm not against gay people. That's the way they were coded and this is they way I was coded, there's nothing anyone can do about it.
So why are my thoughts so weird?
Has he told his parents?
What does is ex-girlfriend think now? Does she think she made her gay because of their botched relationship?
I hope I hadn't said anything bad against gay people in front of him.
I hope I didn't try to match him with a girl...
That kind of thoughts.
Everyone else has been congratulating and being happy. I'm just numb. Why can't I feel happy or am I - somewhere I don't want to let myself know - against the homosexuals?
I tried to think being gay is against the nature, that the default is something between a woman and a man. But it is natural. We're monkeys and monkeys have homosexual encounters. They are not driven away or shunned. The Greek based their relationships between the men and the women were only for breeding. The mightiest thinkers on Earth, the Greeks. The fathers of drama. There's nothing really weird about being gay. I just can't see it any other way than it's obvious.
So why is it bothering me? Well, not bothering but raising these weird, useless thoughts?
Well, there's one thing that really bothers me. I posted my thoughts on Facebook. I guess I wrote it so that one person got it the wrong way and asked me what I meant by it and added; "I was only thinking because, you know, I'm gay.." Now, in his profile he says he is interested in men, but I always thought it was a joke. He's that kind of a person, into weird jokes that are sometimes baffling, so I thought this was one of them. So he's gay too. I've known him - though not so well, more like every third weekend, lately Facebook kind of known - for almost nine years and it never occurred to me. So he's been openly gay all this time and I thought it was a joke. Should I be ashamed or does it mean I'm really so okay with this stuff that I don't have a real stand on this. No real opinion.
This doesn't change how I feel about these people or change the way I treat them, I don't actually care. But why these thoughts? It can't be because I'd regret the things I've said or done in front of them, they already know I'm an idiot.
Friday
And About The Sims 3
After a pretty extensive gameplay of Sims 3 I can say a few things..
The bad things:
The good things:
Still waiting for:
But the fact is: without people who make mods to remove stupidities or add things, the game would suck. Big time.
Even though people on More Awesome Than You are rude as hell and way too much in love with themselves, you might want to check whatsitsnames Awesome mod. It has saved me from so many days of killing off my sims because of the stupid things they do. Don't read anything they write, just read the manuals that come with what you download and you don't get pissed off at them. I even considered donating to the site they keep, but then I figured that I better not, I dont' want to support that kind of behavior.
But, like we learned from Stan, it's always a choice between a douche and a turd sandwich.
The bad things:
- A.I. - Not good. Not good at all. (They still are idiots.)
- Music: Gets on your nerves. (It's too simmified)
- Unpassable intro (there's a mod for that, thank heavens)
- Stupid launcher system (which you can pass, thank heavens)
- Too ugly default people (people aren't really that ugly, not even the ugly ones and not all black people have puffy lips, large noses and flat forehead)
- Too stupid names (What cruel person would give their kids THAT kind of names anyway?)
- Ridiculous save times (even with all patches it takes me 2 hours to save a town with 30 families)
- Patches (make half ready and then patch? Not a decent thing to do)
The good things:
- There's something to the game that makes me play it
- World Adventures - awesome! (minus the fact that there are no hotel rooms etc)
- The scenery
- Mods
Still waiting for:
- Makin' Magic
- Pets
- Apartments
But the fact is: without people who make mods to remove stupidities or add things, the game would suck. Big time.
Even though people on More Awesome Than You are rude as hell and way too much in love with themselves, you might want to check whatsitsnames Awesome mod. It has saved me from so many days of killing off my sims because of the stupid things they do. Don't read anything they write, just read the manuals that come with what you download and you don't get pissed off at them. I even considered donating to the site they keep, but then I figured that I better not, I dont' want to support that kind of behavior.
But, like we learned from Stan, it's always a choice between a douche and a turd sandwich.
Wait! They Ate What? Take a Picture!
So I happened to pop by at People.com
They had made news of what some whatsitsnames ate. Who the poo cares? If I go to a celebrity site I want to know who's making a new album, who dropped out of movie - or what horrid clothes we might expect H&M launch next fall, but this? Is it really all about where they spent their vacation, what they ate and who were they out with? I just don't get it.
I found a site that mainly centers on female celebs and their bodies. I don't know what men think and I'm sure they enjoy watching a well-formed body, but I don't consider an anorexic body anything more that hideous.
I read that a female athlete was publicly humiliated by some idiot who claimed she's fat. That girl has zero percent overweight. I'm sure there are a bunch of fifteen-year-olds throwing up because of that right about now. That's sick. Even if it's coming out of your opposition.
I'm sure most brits already noticed the pictures of girls that didn't know how to dress for winter. There was this one pic of a girl passed out on snow. It was supposed to show how stupid she was, not dressing up properly for winter, but all I noticed that she was already frostbitten and the photog took a pic instead of helping her up and to warmth! That is so sick.
There was this incident with people taking pictures instead of helping: The guy died. What the fuck is wrong with people today?
And a completely different subject: me.
My sleeping pattern is.. well.. gone scrambled. I go to bed at six am and wake up at 2 pm. It's because I don't have to go anywhere. I have been trying to stay awake until next evening but being almost 29 it doesn't go so well as it did when I was 19... Or I try going to bed by 10 pm and just stay in bed until I fall asleep. Most nights I'll lay in bed for seven hours, then give up.. Is this insomnia? Sub-somnia? Or am I just so much a night person..?
They had made news of what some whatsitsnames ate. Who the poo cares? If I go to a celebrity site I want to know who's making a new album, who dropped out of movie - or what horrid clothes we might expect H&M launch next fall, but this? Is it really all about where they spent their vacation, what they ate and who were they out with? I just don't get it.
I found a site that mainly centers on female celebs and their bodies. I don't know what men think and I'm sure they enjoy watching a well-formed body, but I don't consider an anorexic body anything more that hideous.
I read that a female athlete was publicly humiliated by some idiot who claimed she's fat. That girl has zero percent overweight. I'm sure there are a bunch of fifteen-year-olds throwing up because of that right about now. That's sick. Even if it's coming out of your opposition.
I'm sure most brits already noticed the pictures of girls that didn't know how to dress for winter. There was this one pic of a girl passed out on snow. It was supposed to show how stupid she was, not dressing up properly for winter, but all I noticed that she was already frostbitten and the photog took a pic instead of helping her up and to warmth! That is so sick.
There was this incident with people taking pictures instead of helping: The guy died. What the fuck is wrong with people today?
And a completely different subject: me.
My sleeping pattern is.. well.. gone scrambled. I go to bed at six am and wake up at 2 pm. It's because I don't have to go anywhere. I have been trying to stay awake until next evening but being almost 29 it doesn't go so well as it did when I was 19... Or I try going to bed by 10 pm and just stay in bed until I fall asleep. Most nights I'll lay in bed for seven hours, then give up.. Is this insomnia? Sub-somnia? Or am I just so much a night person..?
Tired
I've slept almost the whole day. Horrible dreams! I was in love with J's friend and J was in love with L. I didn't want him and her be together so I slit her throat, cut very deep. I cut a small cut to J's throat and he started to choke in his own blood. Then I felt ill and pity -and woke up. It's hard to breathe, I guess that's why I had a nightmare.
That dream, however, made me think why the 2nd woman always get the hate, not the man?
That dream, however, made me think why the 2nd woman always get the hate, not the man?
Wednesday
Enlightenment
I just realized something. I've been kept out.
I've been out of something and by telling this I'm going make at least one of my two followers think I'm the shallowest person online ever.
I never knew there was a Matt Dallas... I saw a cute guy in Eastwick and then I started watching Kyle XY - now either my taste in cute men has changed very recently because two days ago I still thought Chris Evans was heaven on earth or I just have been kept out. I stole this pic from imdb just to make my point. Don't sue me, pic rights owners..
He is fresh faced, boyish with dark curly hair and those eyes you can't figure out. He's got this rumpled, just-woken look to him that makes both the girls and the mothers love him.
It's just a shame that he's not so into girls nor mothers. His genes should stay on Earth. I don't mean that being gay is bad, but you can't make kids with other boys -yet- so he'd need a girl... Those genes should keep on going. Really. Really.
Just a thought.. all the pretty girls in my school were kind of mean to other girls. I've always been snubbed by the really handsome guys so I don't really know but is it really true that beautiful outside rarely meets beautiful inside?
I'd really, really like to meet a straight guy who's devilishly handsome, funny, smart and can spend 12 hours a day playing Fallout 3 and doesn't go partying every weekend. Actually I'd like to meet a gay guy who's like that.
There's no such thing, is there?
I've been out of something and by telling this I'm going make at least one of my two followers think I'm the shallowest person online ever.
I never knew there was a Matt Dallas... I saw a cute guy in Eastwick and then I started watching Kyle XY - now either my taste in cute men has changed very recently because two days ago I still thought Chris Evans was heaven on earth or I just have been kept out. I stole this pic from imdb just to make my point. Don't sue me, pic rights owners..
He is fresh faced, boyish with dark curly hair and those eyes you can't figure out. He's got this rumpled, just-woken look to him that makes both the girls and the mothers love him. It's just a shame that he's not so into girls nor mothers. His genes should stay on Earth. I don't mean that being gay is bad, but you can't make kids with other boys -yet- so he'd need a girl... Those genes should keep on going. Really. Really.
Just a thought.. all the pretty girls in my school were kind of mean to other girls. I've always been snubbed by the really handsome guys so I don't really know but is it really true that beautiful outside rarely meets beautiful inside?
I'd really, really like to meet a straight guy who's devilishly handsome, funny, smart and can spend 12 hours a day playing Fallout 3 and doesn't go partying every weekend. Actually I'd like to meet a gay guy who's like that.
There's no such thing, is there?
Monday
Another Year Behind
This year I'm going to be 29.
It feels funnier each day. Like I'd have to start thinking about kids, house and work. Stop living in dreams. But I don't want to. A few days ago I was just talking with a friend and I said I don't feel a day over 15. My body is just getting old but I still think the same things I thought in high school. I play on PC and on Wii, have snowball fights, all my hobbies are almost the same I had has a kid (minus the sports). I'm all the same except grown ups pay attention what I have to say, I worry about bills and think about groceries.. but the rest? I guess I'll have to start growing up soon. But what if I never grow up?
Change of subject: My dreams:
Today when I was watching HP: Prisoner of Azkaban, I realized something when Dumbledore's line came up:
"Let them sleep for in dreams we enter a world that’s entirely our own. Let them swim through the deepest ocean or glide over the highest cloud."
I think that's the reason I like to sleep. Now that I've practiced to remember and guide my dreams, I can sometimes decide what to watch. Like yesterday I felt like having a love dream and there it came. It was weird because the person I wanted to be the leading man was not the one I wanted but it was nice to watch. My nightmares have almost disappeared completely. Every night used to be like hell, but these days it's like one nightmare/week. Excellent. At least I'm at peace with something..
I still have pneumonia, btw. 2nd round of antibiotics.
It feels funnier each day. Like I'd have to start thinking about kids, house and work. Stop living in dreams. But I don't want to. A few days ago I was just talking with a friend and I said I don't feel a day over 15. My body is just getting old but I still think the same things I thought in high school. I play on PC and on Wii, have snowball fights, all my hobbies are almost the same I had has a kid (minus the sports). I'm all the same except grown ups pay attention what I have to say, I worry about bills and think about groceries.. but the rest? I guess I'll have to start growing up soon. But what if I never grow up?
Change of subject: My dreams:
Today when I was watching HP: Prisoner of Azkaban, I realized something when Dumbledore's line came up:
"Let them sleep for in dreams we enter a world that’s entirely our own. Let them swim through the deepest ocean or glide over the highest cloud."
I think that's the reason I like to sleep. Now that I've practiced to remember and guide my dreams, I can sometimes decide what to watch. Like yesterday I felt like having a love dream and there it came. It was weird because the person I wanted to be the leading man was not the one I wanted but it was nice to watch. My nightmares have almost disappeared completely. Every night used to be like hell, but these days it's like one nightmare/week. Excellent. At least I'm at peace with something..
I still have pneumonia, btw. 2nd round of antibiotics.
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