Hospital

Yup, it's been a nice week.

On Monday I came in to a eye specialist to have my eyes checked due to loss of sigh in my right eye. Now I'm in the neurological ward after a CAT-scan, MRI, lumbar puncture and various blood tests.

Nobody has told me but I think they are following two theories: either I have MS or IIH. I hope it's the latter because it will ease up with losing weight, and taking some medication. MS will most likely result in very painful death by aspiration of something that will cause a pneumonia or just plainly suffocating.

What made me suspect IIH? I did some research and I came up with something that matches me in the typical patient group, matches the symptoms, and is found by eliminating other possible culprits with a CAT-scan, MRI and lumbar puncture.

A lumbar puncture was done to me yesterday, and it was pure hell. I couldn't relax, and as they found a needle spot...


Edit: They are, indeed, suspecting IIH! The doctor just came to his rounds.

Time To Panic

Okay. I'm officially over 30. I still don't feel a day over 15. When is it coming, adulthood?

I have realized I want to stay at school. I like most of my schoolmates, and I really think this is something I should be doing. I have already told everyone that I'm leaving, so I can't change my mind anymore. I'm feeling this weird, panicky feeling that I shouldn't quit. That this thing should run its course. It's creeping the poo out of me.

Then, there's a girl. If I was gay, I would probably love her.

Her name is Joanne. Her eyes are big and amazing green, and her round face is so beautiful. She even has freckles. She's a bit round, but perfectly so. She looks like a proper woman, and an amazing one. Her accent is amazing. I could listen to her for hours. I would like to be her friend, but I have wanted to make friends with so many people who ended up disappointing me badly. So I won't even try, though we are about the same age and at a similar situation in life.. Our nephews are even about the same age. I know I'll probably lose a potential friend here, but I'd rather like her when I don't properly know her. So, she'll only be my friend in my short story.

A Vivid Dream & Some School

Again I had such a vivid dream it has been hard to concentrate. I only remember a pair of piercing blue eyes, messy faux-hawk hairdo, and an amazing, amazing body. And again kisses that do not happen. What's with the goddamn kisses that don't happen? I need a Joseph or someone to explain these dreams.

And I decided to quit the school. I want to be a nurse, and I'm sure I would make a good one, but I will not be wiping people's asses for the rest of my life. Gerontology is up and coming subject, but I haven't spent almost my whole life in school to wipe other people's asses. That job is for the ones who drop out of high school.

In Love

I woke up today, utterly smack smitten in love. It's been crazy this morning. I don't even know whom I'm in love with, but it feels like I've just met someone and fallen knee deep in love. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with a dream I had a few nights ago. I think I kissed someone in that dream. I knew him but I didn't know his name. It wasn't the man in my dreams, however. I usually know it's him when I wake up, but this was someone else.

The dream was weird anyway. It was a boarding school of some kind, and I was the house mother, and there was a man, maybe he was the house father then.. We were on a patrol in the corridor when he grabbed me by the waist, pulled closer and told me how he had wanted to kiss me forever. Then he started to kiss me, but pulled away just as it would have counted as a kiss. Then he started again, but our lips barely touched. Then again. I wanted him to kiss me so badly I woke up. :D

Or then I'm so entwined in my overgrown short story I'm mixing up life and reality. I was thinking about changing my character names to something less obvious, as I'm pretty sure everyone would recognize them. I have done such a good work in describing them, and I've used names connected to them.. Maybe I shouldn't have. People who are not connected to me, but are real is a bad choice. Just a tip to other scribblers.

But nevertheless, today I'm happy. Today is the best day for a long time... and I'm sure by the time I get home... Well, let's just say there hasn't been love for such a long time between us. Yes, he is still my best friend, but friendship isn't enough when I want to be in love, to be the center of the world for someone, for at least some time. I want to feel pretty, and kiss someone with feelings other than "let's get this over now, like every day..."

But, a reality check: love doesn't last for many years anyway. It's useless to leave someone just because you've reached a level of companionship rather then lovers. It's useless to leave someone because with the other one, you'll end up in friendship, sooner or later. Or then you start hating each other.

Another Writer's Block

I have been trying to write my short story, but what I mostly get is bullshit. The story is now over 100 pages though I have thrown out so much. I think I have written approximately 200 pages... and I'm happy with one page. And I desperately need someone to read it and give feedback, but there's no one I trust enough to read it, or no one who'd I want feedback from. It's mostly something that has happened to me and would reveal too much from myself. The setting, people and some events are of course different, but a person who'd read it would know some things I'd like to keep secret. So, the reader can't be anyone I know, or who knows my friends and family

Have Yourself A Very Merry Christmas..

I'll be thinking about three people in particular. Of course I'll try to spend a moment thinking about anyone who's ever been someone to me, but the three people who have affected me the most since last Christmas are in my thoughts today. A, for being there in my dreams and making most nights so precious that daylight seems unimportant, and even garish. C for being the driving force in my novel writing by just being alive, and a certain J, who deserves more than I'm able to give and be.

Merry Christmas to every Christian in the world. May you be able to celebrate this day without having to be afraid of your lives.

Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates today for their own reasons.

Merry Christmas to everyone who lets us celebrate this day, regardless of their own opinions, beliefs and customs.


Last but not least, I wish Merry Christmas to the Mother. I love my home planet, and so should everyone else. It's the only place we got.

A Writer's Block

I've been working on one thing for over a year now. It's a silly little thing, and it sucks, but still I keep writing it. The people have grown to be like friends, and it's weird to stop writing it every day when J returns home. It's funny that writing it, I'm somewhere else, among different people, and I'm different, and when I return back to my own life, I'm frustrated. It's a stupid love story, a triangle, trashy, like the ones you buy for a flight and then throw away.

I write it in English, and I know I shouldn't, because I write better in my own language. But some things are better said in English.

So, about the block. It's not that I cannot write anything, it's that I have too much. I write different scenes, I call them scenes. Then I decide they're too much, or too stupid, and destroy them. I've written 200 pages and destroyed 120.

And I can't read books anymore. I see a beautiful description, and I want to copy it. Plagiate, if you will.

No Disappointments Until You Wake Up

For a moment your stupid, unworthy life is perfect. You are happy, you know yourself and you are perfect - as much as you can. No disappointments until you wake up.

There are mornings that I wish I never wake up. Then, after a nightmare-ridden night I'm glad to wake. Now is that a dilemma or what? Other people worry about getting water to drink or someone bombing them on their way home..

Is it happiness that you actually sleep about 25 years of your life - or does it take something away? Is it a waste of a precious life or just waste of time? I read that you only learn in dreams, your brain works out the daily things and refine it to learning.. but what can you learn of a perfect life that disappears every morning you happen to wake up to your shit of a life?

Why are we cursed with the ability to have dreams? It's like the evolution's last 'fuck you' to mock us or something. Why give someone the best days of their lives, then wake them up to the reality that they are on a refugee camp with nothing but the clothes they stand up in? Isn't it cruelty? What about some poor fucker, who can barely write - can only put their words right out when they are deep in sleep?

Now, why this ramble? I was thinking about myself, my dreams. I do have a good life when compared to millions of others. I'm educated, well-enough behaving, I have a nice guy, a few good friends, apartment with a  nice view, something to do every day and really no worries. Then why do my dreams affect me so much? Why a life I never had returns to my dreams night after night so that I can't be grateful of what I actually have? I'm constantly trying to tell myself to return to real life after a night... but yesterday I found myself smiling like an idiot for the whole day.


Now, let's put that half aside and talk about something else. I'm that kind of a person that I get deeply affected by something, mostly it's a tune in a song, a picture, a sound I hear. Like on a very windy day I stopped to hear the wind blowing in a grove of pines. Have you ever stopped to listen how much different it is from when it's deciduous trees?


Tune of today:

A Tiny Update

The last time I wrote.. was in January.

A lot of things have happened since.

My friend who was murdered has a kid brother, who is now under suspicion of killing his girlfriend. That sweet boy! That kid - the friendliest ever. Good boy, who enjoyed playing outside.. social.. Now just a pathetic worthless druggie. That's how little you know people around you! I'm ashamed to know that boy now..

And the job.. well, it was a hoax. I was supposed to go and teach and they said they're going to pay me according to the amount of lessons I give. Nothing was said about selling the courses as well - not until I got the contract and was about to sign. So, I would have had to spend hours selling the courses, but I wouldn't have gotten paid. I so quit that thing. Guess my bad luck is still on its track.

J bought an apartment. We've been renovating it. It's a two-bedroom apartment with a fabulous view. I can hardly wait getting it ready so we can move. My hand - well, actually it's my wrist and thumb  - hurts like hell. I'm suspecting a carpal tunnel syndrome.. But I'm not going to the doctor. Too many bad experiences from that health clinic. Well, as soon as we move to another neighborhood, I can change my clinic. Oh, and about that neighborhood.. a lot of young families, some elders and no immigrants. I guess we're part of white flight then..

By the way, J pays 30% direct tax of his paycheck. Plus VAT and other taxes. Wow it's great to live in Finland. And they are expecting us Finns to pay up the debts of Portugal, Ireland and Greece. Greece is what makes me roll around in anger.. They may retire at the age of 53. If I get a job, I'll be able to retire at 73. J will be able to retire at 68. How unfair is that? They get to retire while they still have some strength left, but we're basically in grave before we can stop working.
 
My kid sister found a boyfriend. He drinks a bit too much, but he's young. They are both young. But he's from the countryside, from a good family and is just what my kid sister needs: a well-bred boy, who is social and has a job. After a disaster of a relationship that's exactly what my sister deserves. That's a good thing.

My elder sister is pregnant. Again. This is her sixth. In all fairness, she didn't want to get pregnant this time and was denied sterilization when she asked for it six years ago (she was 28 at that time) after her fourth kid. I'm worried. She has arthritis and we're worried it's going to strike her back. If it does, she'll be a single mom of six who needs personal assistants. She is my sister and I love her, but she's so stupid. The Finnish social system and all the monetary support the government gives is meant to be short-term. She's now having her sixth kid of welfare. I haven't had one - partly because I don't have job and I don't want the government (and all the tax payers) having to feed the baby. I'm ashamed of my sister and a bit angry, but at the same time proud that she wants to work and has been working for a couple of months before this pregnancy.

We've been talking about having a baby ourselves too. I have three worries: First, my mental  health. If I'm crazy like my shit-of-a-mother is, I don't want J or the baby anywhere near me.  Second, money. J could support all three of us right now. But with a mortgage and these times in economy, it's too risky. We might end up on welfare too - and that's definitely what I do not want. Three, my weight. I'm obese right now and it's supposed to harm the baby. It's stupid anyway, I eat properly but still bulge from every corner. No chips, no sweets, no chocolate, no hamburgers, pizzas... Oh, there is a fourth worry. I'm 30 now. I'm getting old for having my first baby. Most women have one at the age of 26. And in four years my fertility rate goes down and risk rate goes up. I'm in a hurry. J could wait. He could take a twentysomething thai woman at his fifties and have as many as he wishes but my time is running out.

I've been worried for my country for years now and finally there's a little light of hope. The True Finns (as CNN named then, I'd prefer Concervative Finns) or Perussuomalaiset got a whopping 34 seats in the parliamental election. They would have needed only two more to gain the most power. Unfortunately there are still many idealistic idiots in the country. And of course the media paints the Perussuomalaiset's as neonazi, racist and all. And that's not what they are.. I'm happy that they are now working to save this country from news like this.

The leaves are green and getting bigger every minute. It's almost summer. And it's almost a crime to sit inside on a day like today.

Just As I Complained..

I got a job.

I'm not going to celebrate, though. Not until I've gone through at least three succesful days on the job. Or not until the first paycheck.

I don't know how much I'm going to earn. I only know that it depends on how many lessons I give. It can be something from €30-€2800/month. I hope it's closer to the latter.

I'm a teacher. And just a year ago I swore I won't enter another school. And this is worse: These are kids from 5-13 years.

I'm glad kids usually like me. I hope they like me 'cause I have no authority among kids. I'm practically a kid myself... I'm like Peter Pan without all the nutty talk. Well.. that's debateable.

I know what I'm going to buy first, though. A new graphics card. Or an external hard drive. And yes, I'm still a girl. I need a new GPU more than a pair of UGGs.

Oooh, New Year!

Well, hi

It's a new year. I still haven't broken my new years promise which was whine less and be nicer to everyone.

I have, indeed, whined less. And I've smiled to people even if they didn't smile back. Everyone should try that every now and then. Surprisingly you feel better if one out of the 200 people you smiled at smiles back.

It's still an awesome winter even though it was two days above zero (centigrade). It's been snowy, cold and awesome. I've been out more this winter than last year combined (and I'm not exaggerating).


We went to see the fireworks on new years eve. It was sad that the whole firework show given by the town was covered in low hanging clouds.. or mist.. or something. It was bizarre, the red, green, blue and golden flashes inside the mist thing.

I still don't have a job. I've been looking, been interviewed, but I guess I'm not good enough. I have a strategy, though. I'm going to look fabulous the next time. I heard some men hire girls for their looks, not how much work experience or education they have. That's my strategy. I'm onto it. I've lost 8 kilos since I made that decision. I still look kind of cute (and I know I've looked hot at one point since I got hired for two jobs by men that proved to be quite the old perverts).  

Oh and I've lost the eight kilos by losing everything that says 'light' from my diet. Apparently you do need whole milk and actual fats to stay fit. You don't eat as much as you've being nourished with less... If you want to lose weight: Lose all that says "light"..  I've already dropped all energy drinks since my last toothy experience and a couple more after that. Of course it means I don't get to drink sugary juice or cola. (I do have a cola day. I can drink cola on Fridays. I also have a karkkipäivä (Finnish kids usually have one day a week they can eat candy). That's why our teeth are among the best in world. I'm not sure if I remembered to tell about the last of my wisdom teeth that was removed last autumn. Removing that caused a whole jawbone infection. Jesus Christ the pain... I was basically on horse tranquilizer and antibiotics. I'm glad I don't have to do that ever again. Oh and I now know I have an extra tooth growing above my teeth. It's awesome. I have to upload the röntgen image sometime. Now I'm too lazy.

I must have done something really mean in my previous life for getting this much shit on this one. Well, actually, according to one fortune teller, in my past life I was a chick (that got eaten), before  that I was a sailor that was working on a slave ship from Congo to New Amsterdam or something - and before that I was a witch and I'm responsible for poisoning three people. I guess being a chicken once paid all my previous sins and now I'm only getting the minor stuff. Like having mostly shitty life. And J is my price for making this life (after the chicken part) mostly law-abiding.

We've been planning a trip to Sweden and Norway next summer. We, or J, is going to drive the whole 3000 kilometers in seven days. It's going to be hell. I hope the car AC dies or something. I get to visit the world's northernmost IKEA in Haparanda, Sweden. And I get to show J what it looks like in the North. Show him why I love Lapland (no matter if it's Finnish, Swedish or Norwegian Lapland or all of them). I hope he likes it. The scenery up their is something you either love or hate.

First I wanted to go to this awesome little place called "Å i Lofoten". It's a small old fishing village (with all new houses) that rents 'rorbuer' or fishing cabins. I checked it on Google Maps Street View and the scenery was so awesome I instantly knew that's the place I want to go to. Then I found out they charge over 1050 NOK (It's 135€) a night. In a cabin you a) can't get linen for (they charge extra), b) you need to clean the cabin yourself and c) no breakfast. You can get a business class hotel room in Helsinki city for one night with that price - with continental breakfast, swimming pool and a sauna. Lofoten is an experience I can easily pass if two nights there eat almost half of our hotel budget. In Finland, we get two nights with that price in a real hotel room with breakfast and in Sweden, we get two nights and a boat trip for that price. So we changed our plan, we're going to leave Lofoten i Norge for good and just go by and spend the money on a eco whale safari. I don't know about the eco stuff more than they don't roar the engines around the whales. I'd rather go see live whale tails once in my life than pay for too much for a small cabin you have to clean up yourself. I knew Norway was expensive but that expensive. But I heard they get good wages for basically being lazy workers. By the way, I've been learning Norwegian for a few days now. I heard they hate Finns so we need to sound at least Swedish. I'm so glad I can do "sjungande svenska" or 'flowing' Swedish.. It's easier to learn Norwegian when you already know Swedish. But some of the words.. my favorites so far are 'drosje' for taxi and 'sykehus' for hospital  - I like the way they sound when you pronounce them with near correct accent.

Oh and I'm so going to work in Norway. After we go check it and if I can master the language there. Of course J will get a job, he's so good at what he does. I don't mind being the mailman. The goddamn mailman earns almost 19€/h. It's a shitload more than here. I heard they are quite the language racists, though, so you really need to speak the language if trying to get a job. In Norway, you pay less taxes, earn more, have more vacation (darned oil money, it's the oil..), they actually encourage having kids.. and they have the most awesome sceneries in the world.. It's my country. The people I'm not so sure of.

... and more about the language. I know I'm good. I speak nearly perfect Canadian accent (yeah, they do have an accent) English, I can speak proper, genuine Swedish.. when I'm not in the country and around people who speak it themselves. When I'm amongst the native speakers I go insecure, tackle with words. Except for when I'm drunk. And I haven't been drunk for a while now.

I better finish this before it turn out to be a goddamn novel.

Winter Without Job

I'm so happy. It seems that we're getting a proper winter this year too! It's been snowing. Today it's about ten degrees below zero (centigrade) and it's been like this for a few weeks. The trees are covered in frost and everything seems mostly white. It's so pretty outside it makes me smile. I went for a walk the other day and noticed I was smiling the whole time I was out there. The walk was nice until yesterday when I noticed my sartorius is so stiff I can barely stand up straight. I guess it's the downside of never exercising.

Oh, a few weeks ago  I had this very strange fever attack. I was fine at six and was down with a 39,5 degrees (centigrade) fever by eight. I was so hurting everywhere, cold, hot - everything by ten in the evening I thought I was going to die. I took some pills and had the fever down by next morning. Since that fever I've felt like shit (or even shittier), headachy and nauseous..

I forgot to tell we gave up the bird, our agapornis. She didn't work well with us being by herself so we gave her to someone who had company for her. Since that I've felt I won't be taking any pets from this day on.

I'm still out of work.

Romantic Dreams

I had such a romantic dream last night I've been smiling the whole day.

Smiling like an idiot, actually.

News

No, actually there's no news.

I got two last wisdom teeth removed. Got a horrible, painful infection. Been on antibiotics since.


The heat-hell of summer is over (yippikayee) and it's fall. Leaves are turning yellow. It was hell. Been sitting inside most of July and August.

I watched My Stepmother is An Alien (starring Dan Aykroyd and Kim Basinger) from year X before Y (=old). I still liked it. It was entertaining.

I started playing EVE Online again. Let's see if I can play it long enough to go past trial.

I haven't written ANYTHING whole summer. Been thinking of it. Had good ideas. Still don't got the talent.

Have started a dream journal (yes, pen on paper). Funky dreams.

I feel sick as hell. Every day something new and the old ones don't go away. Now either I'm going crazy (hypochondriac crazy) or I have AIDS.

Other than that, life's peachy.

Clean Bill of Health

So, After some blood tests and discussion with the doctor, I'm healthy. Over healthy - said the doctor since I'm overweight I should have diabetes or something.

I feel shitty, however. Sick -  I mean. Well, if I happen to die suddenly, the autopsy should bring peace on the subject. Though by that time I won't be around to hear it.

The Man in my Dreams was way scary last night. All evil this time. Wonder what's heading to my way now..

Night Out

Had a nice night out for a change.. Went out with some friends and my kid sister. It was this place called "Ugly" and it really is ugly. The interior is so far from anything stylish, the popular drinks are served in a potty instead of a glass and their Long Island Ice Tea is wicked. The music went from zero day to way old. The people went from barely legal to way old. Nice place.

Had a wicked strawberry margarita. I don't even remember the last time I had alcohol.

I saw J. He wanted to see me. I said no, it wouldn't do us any good.

Oh, the update. So, my kid sister (the one that our shit-of-a-mum tortured) has moved in my town, she's working and hopefully better. I wish she had more friends, but gladly she has some..

I'm not talking with my other kid sister. She compared me to our mother. That's unforgiven and will stay such.

I'm not talking with my older sister. I'm tired of her stories. They are always the same, bills, money, complaining of people.. And I feel like shit for her life never seems to get any better. And I wish I could make her life better.

I still don't have a job. I've been sending shitload of applications and CV's around. Apparently no one wants to hire a woman. Especially one who looks like me and has been sick since last November.

I had another set of antibiotics for mycoplasma pneumonia. The doctors didn't believe I felt shitty in my lungs until one brave doctor sent me to have blood work done. After the blood test they had to agree I was right (of course I know my body better than them, I've lived with it for over 29 years..) For two weeks I was like a vampire, avoiding sunlight (because the antibiotics made my skin sun allergic). It's been four weeks since I ate the last antibiotics (this time) and I should go have some blood work done. The crappy thing? I don't feel well.

A Gay Surprise on the Double

So,

a friend came out of the closet with a nice declaration of relationship to a person of the same sex. Everybody's known his interests forever, but no one ever actually said it or asked about it and he has never told himself. I was never sure and we're not that close, he's a friend of a good friend.

I'm not against gay people. That's the way they were coded and this is they way I was coded, there's nothing anyone can do about it.

So why are my thoughts so weird?

Has he told his parents?
What does is ex-girlfriend think now? Does she think she made her gay because of their botched relationship?
I hope I hadn't said anything bad against gay people in front of him.
I hope I didn't try to match him with a girl...

That kind of thoughts.
 
Everyone else has been congratulating and being happy. I'm just numb. Why can't I feel happy or am I - somewhere I don't want to let myself know - against the homosexuals?

I tried to think being gay is against the nature, that the default is something between a woman and a man. But it is natural. We're monkeys and monkeys have homosexual encounters. They are not driven away or shunned. The Greek based their relationships between the men and the women were only for breeding. The mightiest thinkers on Earth, the Greeks. The fathers of drama. There's nothing really weird about being gay. I just can't see it any other way than it's obvious.

So why is it bothering me? Well, not bothering but raising these weird, useless thoughts?

Well, there's one thing that really bothers me. I posted my thoughts on Facebook. I guess I wrote it so that one person got it the wrong way and asked me what I meant by it and added; "I was only thinking because, you know, I'm gay.."  Now, in his profile he says he is interested in men, but I always thought it was a joke. He's that kind of a person, into weird jokes that are sometimes baffling, so I thought this was one of them. So he's gay too. I've known him  - though not so well, more like every third weekend, lately Facebook kind of known - for almost nine years and it never occurred to me. So he's been openly gay all this time and I thought it was a joke. Should I be ashamed or does it mean I'm really so okay with this stuff that I don't have a real stand on this. No real opinion.

This doesn't change how I feel about these people or change the way I treat them, I don't actually care. But why these thoughts? It can't be because I'd regret the things I've said or done in front of them, they already know I'm an idiot.

Wait! They Ate What? Take a Picture!

So I happened to pop by at People.com

They had made news of what some whatsitsnames ate. Who the poo cares? If I go to a celebrity site I want to know who's making a new album, who dropped out of movie -  or what horrid clothes we might expect H&M launch next fall, but this? Is it really all about where they spent their vacation, what they ate and who were they out with? I just don't get it.

I found a site that mainly centers on female celebs and their bodies. I don't know what men think and I'm sure they enjoy watching a well-formed body, but I don't consider an anorexic body anything more that hideous.

I read that a female athlete was publicly humiliated by some idiot who claimed she's fat. That girl has zero percent overweight. I'm sure there are a bunch of fifteen-year-olds throwing up because of that right about now.  That's sick. Even if it's coming out of your opposition.

I'm sure most brits already noticed the pictures of girls that didn't know how to dress for winter. There was this one pic of a girl passed out on snow. It was supposed to show how stupid she was, not dressing up properly for winter, but all I noticed that she was already frostbitten and the photog took a pic instead of helping her up and to warmth! That is so sick.

There was this incident with people taking pictures instead of helping: The guy died. What the fuck is wrong with people today?


And a completely different subject: me.

My sleeping pattern is.. well.. gone scrambled. I go to bed at six am and wake up at 2 pm. It's because I don't have to go anywhere. I have been trying to stay awake until next evening but being almost 29 it doesn't go so well as it did when I was 19... Or I try going to bed by 10 pm and just stay in bed until I fall asleep. Most nights I'll lay in bed for seven hours, then give up.. Is this insomnia? Sub-somnia? Or am I just so much a night person..?

Enlightenment

I just realized something. I've been kept out.

I've been out of something and by telling this I'm going make at least one of my two followers think I'm the shallowest person online ever.

I never knew there was  a Matt Dallas... I saw a cute guy in Eastwick and then I started watching Kyle XY - now either my taste in cute men has changed very recently because two days ago I still thought Chris Evans was heaven on earth or I just have been kept out. I stole this pic from imdb just to make my point. Don't sue me, pic rights owners..


He is fresh faced, boyish with dark curly hair and those eyes you can't figure out. He's got this rumpled, just-woken look to him that makes both the girls and the mothers love him.

It's just a shame that he's not so into girls nor mothers. His genes should stay on Earth. I don't mean that being gay is bad, but you can't make kids with other boys -yet- so he'd need a girl... Those genes should keep on going. Really. Really.

Just a thought.. all the pretty girls in my school were kind of mean to other girls. I've always been snubbed by the really handsome guys so I don't really know but is it really true that beautiful outside rarely meets beautiful inside?

I'd really, really like to meet a straight guy who's devilishly handsome, funny, smart and can spend 12 hours a day playing Fallout 3 and doesn't go partying every weekend. Actually I'd like to meet a gay guy who's like that.

There's no such thing, is there?

Another Year Behind

This year I'm going to be 29.

It feels funnier each day. Like I'd have to start thinking about kids, house and work. Stop living in dreams. But I don't want to. A few days ago I was just talking with a friend and I said I don't feel a day over 15. My body is just getting old but I still think the same things I thought in high school. I play on PC and on Wii, have snowball fights, all my hobbies are almost the same I had has a kid (minus the sports). I'm all the same except grown ups pay attention what I have to say, I worry about bills and think about groceries.. but the rest? I guess I'll have to start growing up soon. But what if I never grow up?

Change of subject: My dreams:

Today when I was watching HP: Prisoner of Azkaban, I realized something when Dumbledore's line came up:

"Let them sleep for in dreams we enter a world that’s entirely our own. Let them swim through the deepest ocean or glide over the highest cloud."

I think that's the reason I like to sleep. Now that I've practiced to remember and guide my dreams, I can sometimes decide what to watch. Like yesterday I felt like having a love dream and there it came. It was weird because the person I wanted to be the leading man was not the one I wanted but it was nice to watch. My nightmares have almost disappeared completely. Every night used to be like hell, but these days it's like one nightmare/week. Excellent. At least I'm at peace with something..

I still have pneumonia, btw. 2nd round of antibiotics.