Sometimes I hear a tune that makes me shed a few tears. Listen to this little piece of an upcoming game mod Blackmesa (on Source engine). If that link doesn't work in a few days, go to http://www.blackmesasource.com/downloads.html and download Theme.
Wonder if it does the trick on anyone else.
It has been snowing in the northernmost part of the country. Fabulous. I love winter and hope it comes soon this year. In 2006 we had to wait until christmas to get decent snow.
Friday
Tuesday
Fear of the Death + Paranormal chitchat
I read somewhere, don't quite remember from where that some people think the end of the world is near. UFO sightings have tripled (at least that's how it feels like) and UFOs are regular visitors on news walls as well.
Let me throw some fuel to the fire and add the little incident wich we had with two unidentified flying objects a couple of weeks ago: We had been fishing and it was already dark, (Which taught me a new thing: it's hard trying to catch a fish without seeing where to cast) we were able to see the stars already. We were going to the car, when J suddenly noticed a bright light very low.
It didn't move, so I thought it must be a helicopter hovering or something. We were looking at it (and I tried to catch it on my cell phone camera - which ended up with nothing) and wondering if it was the shuttle that had launched the day before. But. There were two ligths very close, they didn't move, until they suddenly put their lights off. Meaning as if someone had switched the headlights off. The other one went compeletely dark, but the other one stayed lit very dim.
J's theory is that we saw the shuttle and ISS turning, but I checked and they were below the horizon. I know a little something about the star system, so I know it wasn't a planet (a double?!) AND I have seen a couple of fireballs (meteors) shooting down, so it wasn't that either.
What was it, then? If I wouldn't happen to be a sceptic, I'd vote for an UFO. There are no military bases near where we were. I'm not talking about - like - alien UFOs, but just an unidentified flying (or hovering, in this case) object. It's a shame my cell phone vid camera sucks, so I can't post it on youtube.
A lot of weird things have been happening lately, adding to this whole UFO sighting things.. a man suddenly attacked another man in a hamburger joint and took a good bite of his forehead. More people go missing than ever, weird accidents happen..
I'm just waiting for the paranormal-investigating-world to announce something big.
We were watching a movie called Gwai Wik, which was - in lack of a better word - a compilation. we saw hints of Phone, Ring, Dark Water, Resident Evil and Silent Hill. In some parts it was a very beautiful movie, but most of it was crap. The idea was nice, however, and would make a nice 5,2 IMDB star rating Hollywood flick. This movie left me this very creepy feeling..
Have I mentioned I have tanatophobia? The fear of death. It's hard to explain, but it is serious enough to launch a panic attack. I just need to "realize" that someday this all will be over for me and I'm so scared the day just might be tomorrow. I start crying hysterically. It's like an image that pops into my head and I can't get rid of it until it grows up to a panic attack. I have had two of those attacks while J has been around and he's always scared of my behavior..
.. I just wish that there really would be something else than this. Something more.
If you can prove me that there is "another side" of life, or ghosts or spirits or whatever, please make my life easier. The one life. It sucks to be raised Christian, to believe that there is only one lifetime on this earth and after that you'd either go to heaven or hell. I wish I was taught we'd live again without remembering.
I hate religions.
Despite of the fact that I hate what humans to other animals, to other humans and this planet, I'd like to be a human in my next life.
By the way, shoudn't all Christians avoid working, since they only get one life?
I don't understand why we have to acquire stuff and work our butts off and then just die. What's the point?!
I hate the greed. Which I, by the way, can't write myself off.
After all, I'm just a human. A weird one, though.
Let me throw some fuel to the fire and add the little incident wich we had with two unidentified flying objects a couple of weeks ago: We had been fishing and it was already dark, (Which taught me a new thing: it's hard trying to catch a fish without seeing where to cast) we were able to see the stars already. We were going to the car, when J suddenly noticed a bright light very low.
It didn't move, so I thought it must be a helicopter hovering or something. We were looking at it (and I tried to catch it on my cell phone camera - which ended up with nothing) and wondering if it was the shuttle that had launched the day before. But. There were two ligths very close, they didn't move, until they suddenly put their lights off. Meaning as if someone had switched the headlights off. The other one went compeletely dark, but the other one stayed lit very dim.
J's theory is that we saw the shuttle and ISS turning, but I checked and they were below the horizon. I know a little something about the star system, so I know it wasn't a planet (a double?!) AND I have seen a couple of fireballs (meteors) shooting down, so it wasn't that either.
What was it, then? If I wouldn't happen to be a sceptic, I'd vote for an UFO. There are no military bases near where we were. I'm not talking about - like - alien UFOs, but just an unidentified flying (or hovering, in this case) object. It's a shame my cell phone vid camera sucks, so I can't post it on youtube.
A lot of weird things have been happening lately, adding to this whole UFO sighting things.. a man suddenly attacked another man in a hamburger joint and took a good bite of his forehead. More people go missing than ever, weird accidents happen..
I'm just waiting for the paranormal-investigating-world to announce something big.
We were watching a movie called Gwai Wik, which was - in lack of a better word - a compilation. we saw hints of Phone, Ring, Dark Water, Resident Evil and Silent Hill. In some parts it was a very beautiful movie, but most of it was crap. The idea was nice, however, and would make a nice 5,2 IMDB star rating Hollywood flick. This movie left me this very creepy feeling..
Have I mentioned I have tanatophobia? The fear of death. It's hard to explain, but it is serious enough to launch a panic attack. I just need to "realize" that someday this all will be over for me and I'm so scared the day just might be tomorrow. I start crying hysterically. It's like an image that pops into my head and I can't get rid of it until it grows up to a panic attack. I have had two of those attacks while J has been around and he's always scared of my behavior..
.. I just wish that there really would be something else than this. Something more.
If you can prove me that there is "another side" of life, or ghosts or spirits or whatever, please make my life easier. The one life. It sucks to be raised Christian, to believe that there is only one lifetime on this earth and after that you'd either go to heaven or hell. I wish I was taught we'd live again without remembering.
I hate religions.
Despite of the fact that I hate what humans to other animals, to other humans and this planet, I'd like to be a human in my next life.
By the way, shoudn't all Christians avoid working, since they only get one life?
I don't understand why we have to acquire stuff and work our butts off and then just die. What's the point?!
I hate the greed. Which I, by the way, can't write myself off.
After all, I'm just a human. A weird one, though.
Friday
Last Weeks of Summer
This year I'm definitely going to miss this summer.
I don't even understand why, it's been a crappy, rainy summer.
Somehow the thought of the winter is like taking a huge weight off my shoulders.
... And one of my oldest friends had the guts to tell me he has liked me ever since we first met. I wonder how my life would be if he had told me that seven years ago.
I don't even understand why, it's been a crappy, rainy summer.
Somehow the thought of the winter is like taking a huge weight off my shoulders.
... And one of my oldest friends had the guts to tell me he has liked me ever since we first met. I wonder how my life would be if he had told me that seven years ago.
Tuesday
Toothache
My tooth broke and it kills me. I'll get to the doctor tomorrow, but it kills me anyway :(
I have a friend that looks like Jared Padalecki. This friend of mine is too thin and a bit too bad-toothed, but with some muscle, he could safely double as Jared. I wonder if I could persuade him to grow his hair and maybe visit the gym with me. We could try if he'd go as Jared.
I wish I had a friend that looked like Jensen. :(
AND I AM NOT A FAN! I still think he can't put a credible smile on his face. And according to the dream I had last night, he's a real dick.
I have a friend that looks like Jared Padalecki. This friend of mine is too thin and a bit too bad-toothed, but with some muscle, he could safely double as Jared. I wonder if I could persuade him to grow his hair and maybe visit the gym with me. We could try if he'd go as Jared.
I wish I had a friend that looked like Jensen. :(
AND I AM NOT A FAN! I still think he can't put a credible smile on his face. And according to the dream I had last night, he's a real dick.
Monday
Another one..
I have liked this song for quite some time now, though it was published somewhere in 1990. I don't like most of the song, but the first two minutes and these lyrics.
For a person who's had a lot of nightmares and think dreams are valuable, I find these lyrics quite comforting.. I wish someone would sing this to me. I rarely like music that has been made by long haired men, but I might do an exception here:
For a person who's had a lot of nightmares and think dreams are valuable, I find these lyrics quite comforting.. I wish someone would sing this to me. I rarely like music that has been made by long haired men, but I might do an exception here:
Silent Lucidity
Hush now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over
... or has it just begun?
There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize it and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension
I will be watching over you
I am gonna help you see it through
I will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you
In Silent Lucidity
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from the pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
I will be watching over you
I am gonna help to see it through
I will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you...
I Know Now..
I know what I want to do when I grow up.
I want to be a helicopter pilot.
I realized that a few days ago, when I was looking at a helicopter lifting of from a platform. To be able to fly. I don't care about planes, they are just cold and fast, but with a helicopter you'd really have to know how to fly..
I have always loved helicopters, ever since I was a little girl. I remembered I used to smile all the time when I got near to any helicopters and I have a vague memory about having a little toy helicopter.
The only problem is that I would need to have LASIK, go to the school and buy myself a helicopter. I need to win in the lottery.
Money is the only thing that will stop me with this dream. Being a helicopter pilot only requires good eye sight and money, all the rest can be memorized or learned.
I hate being poor.
I want to be a helicopter pilot.
I realized that a few days ago, when I was looking at a helicopter lifting of from a platform. To be able to fly. I don't care about planes, they are just cold and fast, but with a helicopter you'd really have to know how to fly..
I have always loved helicopters, ever since I was a little girl. I remembered I used to smile all the time when I got near to any helicopters and I have a vague memory about having a little toy helicopter.
The only problem is that I would need to have LASIK, go to the school and buy myself a helicopter. I need to win in the lottery.
Money is the only thing that will stop me with this dream. Being a helicopter pilot only requires good eye sight and money, all the rest can be memorized or learned.
I hate being poor.
Sunday
Night Owl
The tune of the day for the hunk of the year:Now playing: Sander Van Doorn - By Any Demand. Go, listen to it before it starts playing on MTV and all the shabby "clubs" you wouldn't dare show your face in..
By the way.. I'm sure I've forgotten something, I'm getting a hammering headache and I've becoming some kind of a night owl, since it's 3:26 am, I haven't been clubbing and I'm still awake.
Oh, and I went to see Die Hard 4.0 yesterday. Despite of all the "wrong" information given there (about servers and stuff and over-gloryfying the hacking thing), I loved the flick. I can honestly say that I think this is the best of the Die Hards. And the evil hacker king... aaw, what a cutie pie..
Bruce Willis, dude, you're still the man!
Oh, and I checked what makes a person a fan. And I'm not. It's not my fault, that my inner whatever likes to keep Jensen (or Ewan) a regular visitor in my dreams. The reason I have Jensen's photos in my blog is that he's cute. I'm not dreaming of marrying him, or dating him, or seeing him IRL.
Girls, he might be a total dick and he'd probably date only pure homegrown texas silicone implanted botoxed 22-year-old I'm-a-model. That's what they all do. Except Ashton Kutcher who married his grandmother :)
Saturday
Good Morning
I haven't slept all night for some strange reason...
Some mornings waking up sucks, so I decided to skip that part today. It's six a.m. and the sun is just getting up, so there's no reason to go to bed. I'm gonna wait til the clock turns a bit more, take a shower and then try sleeping.
Meanwhile, lets get into my favorite topic, being currently mr. Dean Winchester a.k.a Jensen Ackles.
How can a smile be as fake as this?
If someone tells me Jensen Ackles is something more than a pretty face, I'll tell then to go screw themselves. This little pretty boy can't even fake a smile and not look fake.
It's as if he's trying to act that he's acting a smile.
But he IS so adorable and by now I have learned one thing in life: you're going to get far just by being adorable.
I'm so tired.
Think I'm gonna go take a nap. Just a nap.. just.. a... na..p
Some mornings waking up sucks, so I decided to skip that part today. It's six a.m. and the sun is just getting up, so there's no reason to go to bed. I'm gonna wait til the clock turns a bit more, take a shower and then try sleeping.
Meanwhile, lets get into my favorite topic, being currently mr. Dean Winchester a.k.a Jensen Ackles.
How can a smile be as fake as this?If someone tells me Jensen Ackles is something more than a pretty face, I'll tell then to go screw themselves. This little pretty boy can't even fake a smile and not look fake.
It's as if he's trying to act that he's acting a smile.
But he IS so adorable and by now I have learned one thing in life: you're going to get far just by being adorable.
I'm so tired.
Think I'm gonna go take a nap. Just a nap.. just.. a... na..p
Friday
Dean Winchester's Ring
Haha!
I figured that one out.
I bet Dean Winchester's ring (in Supernatural) is actually Jensen Ackles' wedding ring. He's married to his girlfriend and wants to tribute her by wearing the wedding ring in his right hand. I suppose that's nothing new. I happened to find a shop that sells wedding rings exactly like the one Dean wears..
So girls, lock your dreams in the Box Of Dead Wishes and throw it into the garbage, because all hope has to be abandoned. Or not.
Or, of course I just might be wrong and the ring just might be a Tibetan prayer spin ring..
I figured that one out.
I bet Dean Winchester's ring (in Supernatural) is actually Jensen Ackles' wedding ring. He's married to his girlfriend and wants to tribute her by wearing the wedding ring in his right hand. I suppose that's nothing new. I happened to find a shop that sells wedding rings exactly like the one Dean wears..
So girls, lock your dreams in the Box Of Dead Wishes and throw it into the garbage, because all hope has to be abandoned. Or not.
Or, of course I just might be wrong and the ring just might be a Tibetan prayer spin ring..
Thursday
I'm getting old.
I read my old scribblings and noticed, that last year, well all my life until the last few weeks I've been the kind of girl to fall for older men. I mean older - at least ten years.
I have this theory that I'm getting old. Why? Well, I'm checking the young guys.. Such as this little cutie pie, who spent the whole five hours I slept, in my dreams.. And the other cutie pie from the same series (which I still don't like) was another visitor. Though I don't want to talk about THAT part. It's private ;)
This time I had a nice dream about being loved once again. I'm starting to believe my dreams tell me what I don't have. Passionate, desperate, ground shaking love. The one that I've never felt in real life. My mind just replaces the childhood dream guy with these hunks - and it makes me feel WORSE. I have this beautiful, perfect life in dreams and every single morning I wake up to a disappointment. I don't have any of it and my stupid mind plays tricks on me.
I'm so fed up with sleeping, I rather stay awake.. No... I love sleeping, but I hate the waking up -part. I just spent four hours looking for a perfect image of what I have in my dreams, but - of course - couldn't find, since perfection only happens in my dreams.
The pic (once again) is probably copyrighted (since it's a screenshot), sorry, whoever you are.
I have this theory that I'm getting old. Why? Well, I'm checking the young guys.. Such as this little cutie pie, who spent the whole five hours I slept, in my dreams.. And the other cutie pie from the same series (which I still don't like) was another visitor. Though I don't want to talk about THAT part. It's private ;)This time I had a nice dream about being loved once again. I'm starting to believe my dreams tell me what I don't have. Passionate, desperate, ground shaking love. The one that I've never felt in real life. My mind just replaces the childhood dream guy with these hunks - and it makes me feel WORSE. I have this beautiful, perfect life in dreams and every single morning I wake up to a disappointment. I don't have any of it and my stupid mind plays tricks on me.
I'm so fed up with sleeping, I rather stay awake.. No... I love sleeping, but I hate the waking up -part. I just spent four hours looking for a perfect image of what I have in my dreams, but - of course - couldn't find, since perfection only happens in my dreams.
The pic (once again) is probably copyrighted (since it's a screenshot), sorry, whoever you are.
Wednesday
Creepy..
This time it's not unconscious, like with Ewan McGregor, who used to be a regular star in my dreams even though I only liked to watch his movies. I don't really think Ewan's that handsome and besides, if I ever had the chance to meet him, I would never try get between a married couple with kids. But I'm kinda glad the Cambridge dream was the last one I've had of him.
But with Jensen Ackles... I fuckin' hate him. Why? Of course these are the things that are told to the public and might not be true, but I have learned, that he insists people be honest with him (as do I. I can tell a lie as soon as it is told. And can't lie myself either), he does photography (which is something I like to do as well), sings and plays the guitar (and I have always had a major thing with guys who can play guitar and sing.. I have slept with two guys just because they sung so beautifully. And I've slept with three DJ's)..
I have seen some of the Supernatural episodes at least twenty times.. Why? I get to see Jensen. I get to wonder if that's the way he really smiles when he remembers something from years back. I get to wonder if he's really that much of a chauvinist in real life. I get to wonder if his smile is always that fake.. If he's a real dick IRL.. I get to wonder if he really wears those clothes IRL. I could easily check the latter by reading celeb magazines or surfing the paparazzi sites, but you know what? It's his life. I don't really care because it doesn't have anything to do with mine. The only celeb site I go to, is People. And I rarely see Ewan, Jensen or Jared (Who's also become a regular visitor in my dreams) on the pages of that (web) mag. If I ruled the world, I would jail all the paparazzis as stalkers.
... but anyway. It's so sad I'm not beautiful and don't live in Alaska (or where the hell they shoot Supernatural in). I will never have the chance to talk with him and see if he really is the way he is. And what's more sad, I will never get to try what it's like to kiss those perfect lips and see if his eyes are really greenish. AND NEITHER WILL MOST OF YOU, who daydream about Jensen..
Jensen Ackles: Get the fuck out of my dreams. I'm definitely NOT your type. I'm 26 and live half across the world and I have never been the fan -type. I don't have bright blue eyes and blonde hair, I don't have silicone boobs and I'm not rich. I've had enough of Ewan so I don't need you. Jared Padalecki: The same goes with you. GTFOOMD! Though you are really cute.. Like I have said some time earlier, if I would know Jensen and Jared IRL, I'd probably end up with Jared, who looks more witty than his overly-angelic-drop-dead-gorgeous friend and to whom I'd have to reach up if I wanted to get kissed.
But here's the thing. I have always had crushes on the guys that are tall and handsome (like Jared), that have one unique thing in their appearance (like the something strange in Jared's face) and appear gay-ish. But I have always ended up with a guy about my height, who can make me laugh every day over stupid things no one else would laugh to - and won't open the car door to me, doesn't ask me constantly if I'm in the need of something or if I'm okay and if I get pissed off, lets me rant and don't get involved. If you are like that, Jensen, feel free to e-mail me. :)
By the way.. I slept with a guy who sung Enrique Iglesias' Hero to me in 2001. Remember sisters, that's not a reason to sleep with anyone, you only get to laugh at yourself each time you hear the song.
Well, I guess I'm a sucker for musical men, whether they sing, play or spin.
But with Jensen Ackles... I fuckin' hate him. Why? Of course these are the things that are told to the public and might not be true, but I have learned, that he insists people be honest with him (as do I. I can tell a lie as soon as it is told. And can't lie myself either), he does photography (which is something I like to do as well), sings and plays the guitar (and I have always had a major thing with guys who can play guitar and sing.. I have slept with two guys just because they sung so beautifully. And I've slept with three DJ's)..
I have seen some of the Supernatural episodes at least twenty times.. Why? I get to see Jensen. I get to wonder if that's the way he really smiles when he remembers something from years back. I get to wonder if he's really that much of a chauvinist in real life. I get to wonder if his smile is always that fake.. If he's a real dick IRL.. I get to wonder if he really wears those clothes IRL. I could easily check the latter by reading celeb magazines or surfing the paparazzi sites, but you know what? It's his life. I don't really care because it doesn't have anything to do with mine. The only celeb site I go to, is People. And I rarely see Ewan, Jensen or Jared (Who's also become a regular visitor in my dreams) on the pages of that (web) mag. If I ruled the world, I would jail all the paparazzis as stalkers.
... but anyway. It's so sad I'm not beautiful and don't live in Alaska (or where the hell they shoot Supernatural in). I will never have the chance to talk with him and see if he really is the way he is. And what's more sad, I will never get to try what it's like to kiss those perfect lips and see if his eyes are really greenish. AND NEITHER WILL MOST OF YOU, who daydream about Jensen..
Jensen Ackles: Get the fuck out of my dreams. I'm definitely NOT your type. I'm 26 and live half across the world and I have never been the fan -type. I don't have bright blue eyes and blonde hair, I don't have silicone boobs and I'm not rich. I've had enough of Ewan so I don't need you. Jared Padalecki: The same goes with you. GTFOOMD! Though you are really cute.. Like I have said some time earlier, if I would know Jensen and Jared IRL, I'd probably end up with Jared, who looks more witty than his overly-angelic-drop-dead-gorgeous friend and to whom I'd have to reach up if I wanted to get kissed.
But here's the thing. I have always had crushes on the guys that are tall and handsome (like Jared), that have one unique thing in their appearance (like the something strange in Jared's face) and appear gay-ish. But I have always ended up with a guy about my height, who can make me laugh every day over stupid things no one else would laugh to - and won't open the car door to me, doesn't ask me constantly if I'm in the need of something or if I'm okay and if I get pissed off, lets me rant and don't get involved. If you are like that, Jensen, feel free to e-mail me. :)
By the way.. I slept with a guy who sung Enrique Iglesias' Hero to me in 2001. Remember sisters, that's not a reason to sleep with anyone, you only get to laugh at yourself each time you hear the song.
Well, I guess I'm a sucker for musical men, whether they sing, play or spin.
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