The day came. I knew it from the first moment I woke up. It was going to be the day I died. J was somewhere else, I prepared everything. I called my sister, talked with her for awhile, texted my two step sisters. I didn't tell them anything, as they aren't really my family, only by blood. In my thoughts I was saying goodbye, though. When evening came, I was so calm... I took a mild sedative that is supposed to make you fall asleep easier, but isn't actually sleeping pill. I took a plastic bag. I showered, brushed my teeth, and I was ready. I wrote a letter. It wasn't about apologies, just directions for J, to call the police, then what to do with my body and the stuff he didn't want to sell. I wasn't even scared, so I took the bag and something to attach it with, I think it was packaging tape so it wouldn't come off before the chance. The moment I put the plastic bag over my head, I felt fear of unknown. I told myself that you either do it now or shut up about it forever. I took the bag off, and told myself again that it was now or never. And then it was never. I chose to live. I chose to live a life that has no meaning for me. I am weak. My fear of death overcame the fear of everything ahead. I folded the plastic bag and went to bed, and slept well.
I have regretted my decision already twice, but it holds. Only age, accident or disease will take me away now. This is my hell, and I think I deserve it.
Studying is horrible. Engineering demands a lot. Nursing was like a walk in the sunshine compared to this. Medicine calculations? Ha! Child's play.
In addition to everything, me and J, after almost 12 years, are over. He is over me, that is. There is no other women, nothing strong an concrete. We were decent, and sometimes I was even happy.
I'm moving out just in time for New Year's. We used to watch the fireworks together.
I'm alone. Completely, utterly alone. I never had friends, I don't trust anyone that easily, so I really have no friends, except L. But she's too busy with her own life to attend to me right now.
J.. I let him in, let him know about my childhood, all my pains. Today I recalled the feeling I had when I was eleven and my mother told me not to come home after school or she'd kill me. That day I managed to tell my teacher, who actually believed me, and after that I never went home. I was always a guest at somebody's house, a visitor, a burden that was compensated. Except with him... He took me in. Shared his pains. Today I felt that pain again. The person that was my whole world told me to get out and never return.
I did so many mistakes, said so many things that weren't meant to hurt, but did. He got hurt for the same things he told me, but didn't want to hear said about himself. He had thought things about me, things that weren't true, had things on his mind, but never told me. All those were little things that he either had wrong, or had invented in his own mind were the reason that made him dislike me. I explained everything, everything. I even apologized for things I didn't do. But it didn't help. He has now decided his life will be better without me.
My life won't be. I will never find another man who doesn't hit me, who doesn't smoke nor drink, who has a steady job and a mother who likes me. I don't want anything less than him. Finnish men are all alcoholic nut-cases, at least the ones that are free. I don't want to be a step-mother to anyone else's kids. I don't have kids... and now I'm sure I'll never have them. It would take me at least a couple of years to get over J, another year to find someone, a few years dating, a few years living together, until such things could even be spoken about. And then I'd be way too old to to even have children.
So, for him, this is getting rid of something he blames for ruining his life.
For me.. I'm being abandoned. I'm losing my home and the only person I have ever given complete trust. He's casting me out because of things he said, left undone and imagined. He never asked me how I felt about things, but in his mind, he decided how I felt. When I told her how I felt, we argued, and always, always I changed. Reminded myself that it was my way of thinking and that I should bother him with my my thoughts or worries. Every time we ever had arguments was because I shared my thoughts and feelings and wanted to know. Then I changed again.
Now I have nothing left. I'm not even me. I used to be fearless, a citizen of the world. Now I'm shrunk into this person I don't even like. Just a quiet, pitiful, self-pitying loser. I see now that I was always too easy, too compromizing, too helpful, too non-demanding... I made him the selfish bastard he now is.
So, on 7th of January I will return to school, go through the day and go into my shared apartment, which I haven't even seen but already hate, to roommates ten years younger than I.
This is what I am, at almost 32. A complete mess without direction or anything to hold on to. And the worst part is that it can get worse: I can lose my student grant
for not getting ahead fast enough. It's adding to this pressure, for ending up to having to quit school in order to be eligible for welfare. Me, on welfare. Today I told my sister that I always though education would get me out of the stigma our family has always had, menial jobs, barely livable lives, divorce, everything bad. I was wrong. I'm just a loser like everyone else in my family tree.
If I could, I would kill myself. As it now has been established that I can't, I won't.