Time To Panic

Okay. I'm officially over 30. I still don't feel a day over 15. When is it coming, adulthood?

I have realized I want to stay at school. I like most of my schoolmates, and I really think this is something I should be doing. I have already told everyone that I'm leaving, so I can't change my mind anymore. I'm feeling this weird, panicky feeling that I shouldn't quit. That this thing should run its course. It's creeping the poo out of me.

Then, there's a girl. If I was gay, I would probably love her.

Her name is Joanne. Her eyes are big and amazing green, and her round face is so beautiful. She even has freckles. She's a bit round, but perfectly so. She looks like a proper woman, and an amazing one. Her accent is amazing. I could listen to her for hours. I would like to be her friend, but I have wanted to make friends with so many people who ended up disappointing me badly. So I won't even try, though we are about the same age and at a similar situation in life.. Our nephews are even about the same age. I know I'll probably lose a potential friend here, but I'd rather like her when I don't properly know her. So, she'll only be my friend in my short story.

A Vivid Dream & Some School

Again I had such a vivid dream it has been hard to concentrate. I only remember a pair of piercing blue eyes, messy faux-hawk hairdo, and an amazing, amazing body. And again kisses that do not happen. What's with the goddamn kisses that don't happen? I need a Joseph or someone to explain these dreams.

And I decided to quit the school. I want to be a nurse, and I'm sure I would make a good one, but I will not be wiping people's asses for the rest of my life. Gerontology is up and coming subject, but I haven't spent almost my whole life in school to wipe other people's asses. That job is for the ones who drop out of high school.

A Weird Reminder

Remember a post where I mentioned I bumped into a Chris Evans -dobbelgänger? Well, I saw him again. He's an engineering student at my school, and we both attended a pre-christmas party. I saw him there, and gawked like an idiot. I instantly remembered he was the guy I bumped into this one summer. It's funny that I don't remember the last name of a guy who I used to date in high school (I remember his BMW), but I still remember what this guy was wearing on the day I saw him for the first time. It's funny that I don't remember what J was wearing on the first day I met him, but I remember this. It's weird. And it's not that I want to talk with him or get to know him. No, actually I prefer it to be something like a dream.

How crazy is that?

About school.. I've had my first practice now, and I have realized that this education leads to being an overglorified ass-wiper. I'm not going to spend years in school, and do shit job - literally. That is the reason you go to school, to be able to do something else than ass-wiping.

If I get a job during spring 2012, I'm quitting.

To some obscurity of cloud --
It will not do to say of night,
Since dark is what brings out your light. 
 -Robert Frost-

I Hate That Ginger Bitch & Other School Stuff

So, there's this Canadian girl in my class. I fucking hate that bitch. She's a ginger, and she has no soul. She's evil, arrogant, thinks too highly of herself.. and she took my practice placement from right in front of my nose. I asked her to change placements, but she refused. And she whispered (too loudly for it to not to be a whisper) that I need the extra miles, because I'm a fat cow. Well, she's a skinny, boobles, short hobbit. I tried to reason with her, telling that her trip to my current placement is shorter than for me, but no. So I hate her. I had been talking about the placement for a week, and that BITCH took that from right in front of my nose! I wish she would die a fiery death.

She has caused quite the dent in my belief of Canucks being nice people.

I just hate that ginger bitch. If I was a witch, I'd summon a disease upon her.

About the school. Well, the honeymoon is over. I've clashed already with three people, and one of them  has managed to make the rest of them hate me. Just because she misunderstood something I wrote, and didn't bother to ask before she started a huge rant. I basically did their job, and this was the thanks. Another case is with the ginger slut, and there's one with a Romanian cuckoo (who I actually believed to be nice). I've been skipping classes, and hating my time at school. I thought about quitting three times. I've been crying twice. No matter where I go, I seem to make things bad for me. I guess I'm a failure. And yes, I've been told it's not my fault, that I am nice and helpful to people, but it really doesn't help. I'm some sort of a catalyst to people. I decided I'll never be nice to anyone. And I'll speak with my classmates only if necessary.

Good things follow: I'm not afraid of needles anymore.

It Can't Rain All The Time

It's been raining for almost a month now. Not every day, but most of the time.

I go to school by bike, and it's really not nice. No matter

About school... so far, I've enjoyed the school. I haven't even ditched a class yet. It's weird.

And now something completely different:

It's the extra tooth I'm growin in my jaw bone. <3

I Hate Them

So, my thesis wasn't ready after all. It came back from the inspectors with a "well, basically it sucks, but we'll have to do with this"...

"Sorry it took some time to let you know this.." and "You'll do the changes by tomorrow morning?" Yeah. I have to be at work at 8 and I'll of course get it done by tomorrow. And I didn't even get the last course assignments so I can't finish the last missing course.

Two of my teachers bullied me and I had to take a break from studying and now they are claiming I've been lazy and "have had chances to finish the courses..." I should have sued them when I had the chance.

It's Over

Finally.

My Bachelor's Thesis is done. Eightysomething pages, full of crap of course.

A nice surprise form school:

If I graduate, I will have at least 260 credits. 210 is required to graduate.

Having this extra year isn't such a bad thing in the end. I thought I had too little, but I have a year and a half worth of extra studies. I'm not such a loser as I thought.

I've been watching NASA TV, following live feed from the Hubble servicing mission. I was glad to read the comments, because they show a tremenodus love for Hubble and assure that people approve the use of money for this mission. I'm glad I'm not the only silly one on this Earth.

I wonder how it feels like to wake up, look out of the window and see Earth. From up there the view would probably leave anyone speechless. Is the sea still blue from up there? Is there as much green as the pictures show?

Three Memories

These things just came into my mind today. All of these happened years ago, but suddenly they were in my mind - like they were yesterday:

There was a guy I had a crush on. We were working on some project together when I had to go home. I left in a hurry and had to go through the back door. It was winter, cold as hell. It was snowing. I had a portable cd-player with me and I put some music on. I turned the music loud, put some mittens on and started walking. I took some ten or more steps and got scared the shit out of me. It was my project mate who took me by the hand, pushed me to the wall and pushed himself to me. Then it was him leaning towards me, putting his hands to the wall and bent down. I remember him being at least ten inches taller than me. He had blonde hair and grey eyes. And boy, he was a good kisser - not that I knew a lot about kissing then - but anyway.

The other memory, it was in senior high I suppose, when I was doing some homework at the school lounge (pictured, btw- by the table I marked with a red arrow.) I was doing some dna stuff, trying to memorize what the teacher taught as I felt someone standing behind me. I felt his breath in my hair when he whispered: "Can I kiss you?" I - being the idiot I am, said: "I'll have to think about it." This was the guy I had been hanging out with, going out for drives and stuff. I don't remember his name anymore, but I remember his face. He never did kiss me, because we were interrupted by some of his friends. I hate myself for being that kind of an idiot.

The last and the newest one: I was out for a walk with this guy. It was late evening, late fall. Cold. It was a starry night and we walked to the pier and just talked and talked and looked at the stars. I don't even know how late it was when we finally went to his place, but I was freezing. So he took my clothes off and tucked me into his bed. And there we slept until his brother came to wake up us in the morning. Him holding me, like I was something he might lose any second.

Sometimes you just want to stay in your memories. Today was like that.

Our Own Idiot

There has been a lot happening today in our little country.

A schoolboy shot eight, injured at least 5 people and shot himself in a school shooting in southern Finland. The 18-year old boy was known for his ravings at the internet service You Tube by the (now removed) account "natural selector 89". Today his nick is sturmgeist89.

Please, do NOT start blaming the video games, movies, music or whatever... There are gazillion of us who do play violent games and we're not into killing anyone. He was just a messed up kid who would have probably spent 5 years in jail and then released back to the society. If he didn't die.

Great country. I bet now half of the new games get banned, metal detectors introduced in schools and stuff like that..

Sometimes Thoughts Just Go..

I just noticed, how CSI's Warrick (Gary Dourdan) has blueish eyes. I know the eye color hasn't got much to do with the skin color, but that surprised me. It could be possible, that there has been someone in his family - like - a hundred years ago, who had blue eyes, but anyways. I can only imagine how much fun it is to be smart and to understand things. Imagine the pleasure of new findings..

I have to return the JAVA course final test today. I've finished it, but I just don't want to send it because I could't answer some stuff and I really, really wanted to score 'cause I was trying to learn this time.

I Hate JAVA

Today I had a test on JAVA. I had been reading for three days but I noticed very quickly, that the things I read were totally NOT something that was being asked. I ended up writing some really dumb stuff and walked out laughing. I just finished a demo this morning and all the stuff was working. I can do it, but I can't tell what's a "method". How silly is that? I felt really dumb. And ashamed.

Great. Just Great.

How can one SMS make one feel so... worthless? I was sleeping an hour after midnight when I received a message from a friend I admire and adore - and I'm happy I didn't read it til 5 am this morning. . The message was: "When are we gonna go clubbing? I can fit into my dress now."

I haven't heard a word from her for like two months and then she asks when I'm gonna take her out?! I replied: "Are you sure you've got the number right because I can't fit into my dress." She promised in May that she'd take me jogging twice every week but never didn't. And she's normal weight. She's too thin, actually, and she "fits into" her dress. I should have replied "fuck off and let me feel sorry for myself." But then I decided to shock myself to have a kickstart to go to weightwatchers but I got a different kind of shock. I had lost three kilos since the last time I checked four weeks ago. Without lifting a finger. That's it for the kickstart. But there's one thing in my mind that - I think - has had an effect in my eating. A month or so ago I was walking downtown and a car full of teenage boys drove by. One of them opened a window and yelled "A hundred kilos - Full of fun" or something like that. That killed me - mainly because I'm not even near hundred.

I have to code tons of JAVA for Monday. Have I even started? No. I'll probably manage to start on Sunday morning and maybe have something finished by Monday afternoon. The last time I had to make demos, I started the day before and barely finished with stuff I can't even understand. But I guess I didn't do everything wrong because the guy who checked didn't have to do much corrections and I passed the course :D

I decided to forget about the med school. The odds for me actually getting in are rather small because I wasn't so keen studying chemistry and physics in high school. Instead, I decided that in three years I'll be working for Pixar Animation Studios. As a coffeemaker.

Time to go to bed. Good morning. ;)

So Beautiful

Dang.

Enough Natural Selection for me. I had a dream last night about my iguana xenosiding.

I was trying to do some school stuff last night (the day before due date of course) and I ended up downloading some mp3's. I came across with a song that just made me stop for awhile. Maybe it was about the frustration (WHY the hell can't Access support real SQL but the weirdy version of Microsoft?) or the fact that it was almost 4 am, but when I heard the song it just made tears rolling down my face. It was something so beautiful and I can't understand the weak moment I had.

Well, I guess I'll go and buy the whole album.

And I also found an excellent trance anthem: Sash - Together Again (Perfection Trance Remix 2005)

The lyrics of the tune of the day really don't mean that much, but the way that dude sings just makes my heart melt down.

The tune of today:

Lifehouse - Into the Sun

I never meant to let you go
Why did I leave maybe we'll never know
But I'm a man now broken on the ground
I'm in need and I think that it shows
All this time we're going nowhere and we know it
I was so blind
All the lights are leading to where you're going
I'm not far behind
And now we're running into the sun
Getting close to something into the sun
You know that we're falling
We're falling back into the sun

I'm so high I can hear heaven.

I had one of those crazy dreams again. I could modify a house any way I wanted - as in the Sims. I could move walls, make windows and stuff, then install myself in the scene. I've been playing too much sims 2 lately, it seems.

Well, my DreamGuy is back. As handsome as ever. It's funny how the dream guy has changed since I was a kid. Today he seems to be a mixture of all my favorite male types.

I should be working on some accounting stuff. But I'd rather be sleeping.

Oh, what a wake-up call this morning at nine: they were testing the general alarm systems of the city (the ones given in case of war, nuclear power plant accidents etc). I slept with my window open, so I really heard it and was like "WTF? did they launch the north Korean missile here? Shit. I have to take some water to the shelter!" I had a good laugh when I finally understood how silly I was.

I hope they will never sound the alarm for real.

Top 5 Males for May

1. Gerard Butler
Oh-my-god. I hope he's gay and no girl gets him.
2. Steven Brand
There's something in his eyes.
3. Colin Firth
He's butt ugly. But drop dead gorgeous.
4. Keanu Reeves
Do you remember him before the Matrix? I can.
5. Colin Farrel
Farrel as a SWAT dude gives me the hots.

Reviewing that list.. geez.. I'm 24. They're like- what- 40+?