Last night I had a dream. Actually this morning. But it was - again - one of those dreams that made my day perfect. Nothing can make me pissed off today. This dream, though, I cannot write it down. It was something so beautiful, so promising, so.. Waking up was a very big disappointment, though it happened at 1 pm. I wish that now, over an hour later, I'd still remember all the faces and names, the places and feelings. I wish, I wish, I wish, someone would make it possible to record dreams because sometimes a good dream just makes it all better. I haven't slept this well for months.
Found another gorgeous guy. I seem to like -ehem- older men. But this one is charming as hell.
Steven Brand, dear reader.
When people were made, there were some pieces left - enough to make one more person. That's me. I'm leftovers.
Thursday
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Wednesday
Receptor
I've been in the middle of strange events since I was just a kid - and I will share them all - as detailed as I can. Let start with the B'n'B stay when I was 7. I remember the house we went into. It was old, at least 110 years old. It had been a farm but a family started a BnB there twenty years ago. I was left there with the owner lady while my stepdad and mother went to get some stuff from the local grocery store. The lady took me for a walk through the house and everywhere we went, I started feeling more and more insecure. The lady was nice, but something in that house kept me in a verge of breaking to tears. I was supposed to get a single room and the lady asked me to choose. First, she took me to the attic. There were three very small single rooms. The first one I felt nice with lace curtains and white bedsheets. There were flowers in the room, pink, I remember. I was curios then and wanted to see all the possibilities before choosing. So on we went. The next room didn't have a window and I didn't even want to get in. The third room had a spinning wheel, a chest and a closet, bed and a small bedside table. all made of the same wood. I felt instant disgust there and ran to the second floor hallway and refused to go back to the third floor. The lady didn't ask what's wrong, she just showed me the next room. I was scared and wanted my mother back. I knew she would get mad for me behaving so badly and that made me feel bad. The lady took me to a very large room with whale bones on the wall. It was a very large room - bigger than our apartment - and the only one I wanted to stay in. So I choose that room. I guess I should have slept in the car. By the time my mother and stepdad went to take pints in the pub in the village I was left there alone. I had a book, my toys and I felt better in that large room. Until I had to go to bed. There was no sound in that house. I mean NO sound. Old houses should make creeking sounds, taps, everything. This one didn't. It was so silent I swear I felt like an elephant in a antiques shop when moving in my bed. It doesn't get really dark at night here when it's summer, but the whale bones had a strange glow on them. Then a voice. Just a whisper started humming a song. I know that song was being sung by the original inhabitants of this country, the Samis (I'm 1/4 sami too) a hundred or so years ago. It was a soft voice, like a mother's voice singing. It was supposed to make me sleep but the effect was quite the opposite. I had trouble keeping myself from screaming. Then silence again. I was scared but tired - and soon fell asleep and had terrible nightmares that night. Of course I got laughed at in the morning. But hey, I can still remember the smell of that house, doesn't it tell everyone that something happened for me to remember it?
When I was nine I saw the death of my friends' baby sister in my dream. She died a few weeks later. It was SIDS.
We played with an OUIJA board on my 10th birtday party. Of course the board didn't answer in questions such as "whom I'm gonna marry", but something answer. We all knew we weren't supposed to ask someone to give us a sign if someone was there, but we didn't believe it would actually happen to us, so we asked. It started as a knock on the front door. we thought Marianna's father came to pick her up, so we opened it. No one there. And no footprints on the snow. We got scared, put all the garden and indoor lights on but the sounds didn't stop. The knocking went on and on so we put our clothes on, took flashlights, put the lights off and ran outside. We walked to my friends house and from there I called to my mother's NMT phone and told her I was going to stay at her place tonight. The Ouija board.. well, I touched it once after that. I burned it.
This happened when I was 11. My mother bought a hotel and started running it. Later I learned that it was built on a war-time German camp. By the time my mother started the business, She didn't know it either but was soon to learn. My first strange event in that place was in the room 1. I was helping an employee to clean up the rooms and went to take the sheets of the bed in the room seven. I saw movement in the corner of my eye, so I started talking with the employee. I had a little crush on him and jumped when I felt his hand on my shoulder. A cold hand and turned around. There was no one in the room. I freaked an ran out. I never put my feet in that room again. The same day I felt a presence in the employees lounge in the back. Then, a few months later - it was saturday morning I think well before the breakfast was served - when I went to the pub attached to the restaurant. I never liked that place anyway with all the red carpets and seats an paint. I put the lights on, but it was still dark. I went to see if there was money on the floor and suddenly felt an old man watching me. I got scared because I knew then I wasn't supposed to talk to strangers and I knew how bad old men could be. I turned to face him and walk away - but there was no one there. Now, these were the incidents that I faced, but my mother got worse. She was in the bar late one evening talking with the singer lady who had performed that evening. Me and my kid sisters were sleeping in one of the hotel rooms that night, because my stepdad was visiting some friends of his and mum couldn't get a baby sitter and couldn't leave me babysitting as I was sick. I was well asleep when she rushed into the hotel room and was suprised to find us three sleeping. Mum and the singer had heard children crying and thought it was us. There were no kids visiting that hotel. There was one more time that something strange happened before my mum refused to be alone in the hotel after closing hours. She was closing the register and cleaning at the bar after closing the doors. She saw two "things" walk by to the fireplace room. She went there to ask what they were doing there, but found no one. She called the employee from the back room to chat with him. Then one of the empty beer bottles on the counter broke up crashing. She later described it was "as if someone lifted the bottle and crashed it in the table". And another one. See, empty bottles can't really break unless something helps them. A few months later a famous artist came in for a show.
The evening J's father died we went to bed as normal. Soon after falling to sleep, I woke up and was like wtf. Then J's cell phone rang. I woke him up and told him to answer the phone and before he did, I told him: "it's about your father". What is strange, the last time we saw him alive I forced J to go and tell him he loved him dearly. He thanked me later for that, but somehow I knew then it was the last time he was going to see him alive and I have never got the guts to tell him I felt his death weeks before he died and was so scared of him I couldn't speak to him because I have a terrible tanatophobia. J still thinks I didn't like his father when I tried to avoid contact with him. Somehow I know he understood. It's sort of funny that J's sister told us that they all felt terrible emptiness for the last few hour of his life, but after he took his last breath, they felt as if he was there.
And of course there are the things I've written on this blog earlier this year. When I'm typing this it's 4:30 pm, the sun is still shining out there and it's warm outside. I'm getting cold chills and all my body hair is as if I was standing in an electric field.
When I was nine I saw the death of my friends' baby sister in my dream. She died a few weeks later. It was SIDS.
We played with an OUIJA board on my 10th birtday party. Of course the board didn't answer in questions such as "whom I'm gonna marry", but something answer. We all knew we weren't supposed to ask someone to give us a sign if someone was there, but we didn't believe it would actually happen to us, so we asked. It started as a knock on the front door. we thought Marianna's father came to pick her up, so we opened it. No one there. And no footprints on the snow. We got scared, put all the garden and indoor lights on but the sounds didn't stop. The knocking went on and on so we put our clothes on, took flashlights, put the lights off and ran outside. We walked to my friends house and from there I called to my mother's NMT phone and told her I was going to stay at her place tonight. The Ouija board.. well, I touched it once after that. I burned it.
This happened when I was 11. My mother bought a hotel and started running it. Later I learned that it was built on a war-time German camp. By the time my mother started the business, She didn't know it either but was soon to learn. My first strange event in that place was in the room 1. I was helping an employee to clean up the rooms and went to take the sheets of the bed in the room seven. I saw movement in the corner of my eye, so I started talking with the employee. I had a little crush on him and jumped when I felt his hand on my shoulder. A cold hand and turned around. There was no one in the room. I freaked an ran out. I never put my feet in that room again. The same day I felt a presence in the employees lounge in the back. Then, a few months later - it was saturday morning I think well before the breakfast was served - when I went to the pub attached to the restaurant. I never liked that place anyway with all the red carpets and seats an paint. I put the lights on, but it was still dark. I went to see if there was money on the floor and suddenly felt an old man watching me. I got scared because I knew then I wasn't supposed to talk to strangers and I knew how bad old men could be. I turned to face him and walk away - but there was no one there. Now, these were the incidents that I faced, but my mother got worse. She was in the bar late one evening talking with the singer lady who had performed that evening. Me and my kid sisters were sleeping in one of the hotel rooms that night, because my stepdad was visiting some friends of his and mum couldn't get a baby sitter and couldn't leave me babysitting as I was sick. I was well asleep when she rushed into the hotel room and was suprised to find us three sleeping. Mum and the singer had heard children crying and thought it was us. There were no kids visiting that hotel. There was one more time that something strange happened before my mum refused to be alone in the hotel after closing hours. She was closing the register and cleaning at the bar after closing the doors. She saw two "things" walk by to the fireplace room. She went there to ask what they were doing there, but found no one. She called the employee from the back room to chat with him. Then one of the empty beer bottles on the counter broke up crashing. She later described it was "as if someone lifted the bottle and crashed it in the table". And another one. See, empty bottles can't really break unless something helps them. A few months later a famous artist came in for a show.
The evening J's father died we went to bed as normal. Soon after falling to sleep, I woke up and was like wtf. Then J's cell phone rang. I woke him up and told him to answer the phone and before he did, I told him: "it's about your father". What is strange, the last time we saw him alive I forced J to go and tell him he loved him dearly. He thanked me later for that, but somehow I knew then it was the last time he was going to see him alive and I have never got the guts to tell him I felt his death weeks before he died and was so scared of him I couldn't speak to him because I have a terrible tanatophobia. J still thinks I didn't like his father when I tried to avoid contact with him. Somehow I know he understood. It's sort of funny that J's sister told us that they all felt terrible emptiness for the last few hour of his life, but after he took his last breath, they felt as if he was there.
And of course there are the things I've written on this blog earlier this year. When I'm typing this it's 4:30 pm, the sun is still shining out there and it's warm outside. I'm getting cold chills and all my body hair is as if I was standing in an electric field.
Friday
Kissing
Not that I would do what I'm thinking of - it just occured to me that a certain feeling disappears after the first kiss you share with someone. I'm not sure everyone understands what I'm saying, but I will try to explain it: You know when you hear a song that just makes you close your eyes and stand still - you simply forget where you were going and what you were thinking just before you turned the radio on. That's the feeling you get when you kiss someone for the very first time. It's a little twitch in your tummy just a blink of an eye before the kiss - when you suddenly realize that the moment is going to lead to a kiss and you really, really like the one who's standing there in front of you. And it's an one-time-offer only - it will never happen again with this same person. I can barely remember the feeling but I have this strange anxiety (I guess it's about the springtime) that I have to feel it again. But no worries, I have no plans of making it happen. I just keep thinking that it's something one loses after making a promise of staying together with someone for the rest of one's life.
The tune of the moment - it's 3am now - is something that feels like the first kiss with someone special. Every single time. Listen to this. Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata (Op 27 No 2 for piano in D-minor is the one I have)
More about kissing. Have you ever had disappointments? You really wait for the courage to kiss someone and when the moment finally comes the person is a bad kisser - or his breath stinks - or he tries to stick his tongue right through your head - OR he just feels like eating a snail, wet, loose and - ummm, well, you know - boring. One very big disappointment was a friend of mine who I really badly wanted to kiss me and whom I had a big crush. When he finally did, I went numb - He is a tall, strong and goodlooking guy who kisses like he thinks he would break the one he's kissing. I felt thunderstruck - in the bad meaning. I've had the other end too: a guy - another crush again - was a perfect kisser for me and every time he kissed me I had to struggle not to start dancing. But that first kiss sting was there only once.
It's strange, this, how us humans - we ended up like this. No other animal on this planet kisses like we do - and if they did, it wouldn't mean so much to them as it feels for a human. A kiss is a seal of a faithful friendship, dedication - or pure desire. It can start and end a relationship, it makes promises but can be a lie too.
The tune of the moment - it's 3am now - is something that feels like the first kiss with someone special. Every single time. Listen to this. Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata (Op 27 No 2 for piano in D-minor is the one I have)
More about kissing. Have you ever had disappointments? You really wait for the courage to kiss someone and when the moment finally comes the person is a bad kisser - or his breath stinks - or he tries to stick his tongue right through your head - OR he just feels like eating a snail, wet, loose and - ummm, well, you know - boring. One very big disappointment was a friend of mine who I really badly wanted to kiss me and whom I had a big crush. When he finally did, I went numb - He is a tall, strong and goodlooking guy who kisses like he thinks he would break the one he's kissing. I felt thunderstruck - in the bad meaning. I've had the other end too: a guy - another crush again - was a perfect kisser for me and every time he kissed me I had to struggle not to start dancing. But that first kiss sting was there only once.
It's strange, this, how us humans - we ended up like this. No other animal on this planet kisses like we do - and if they did, it wouldn't mean so much to them as it feels for a human. A kiss is a seal of a faithful friendship, dedication - or pure desire. It can start and end a relationship, it makes promises but can be a lie too.
Wednesday
No. No, No And No
No, I don't want to do anything. I don't feel like doing assignments, attending to classes, going nowhere. Nothing, actually. I wish I could just stop breathing and be.
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