Walking in the air..

I had a strange dream just a few hours ago.

J was hospitalized after a very bad accident and I was crying my eyes out when the guy who was first there on the accident site came to my door and brought tons of food and decided to keep me company. We were talking and eating when I received a SMS which said, "I'm sorry, he's in an autopsy". That made my burst in tears and suddenly there was this music, from the snowman cartoon, walking in the air. I started singing along (and I sung well - that's the comedy in my dreams). I sung so loud that the people in morgue could hear it and someone said: "She's hoping peace for this poor guy" and the word "peace" started echoing and J woke up in terrible pain. In pain but alive. I woke up still singing in my mind, turning to the windon just to notice the almost full moon shining.

Another dream last night might be another strange one, as I accidentaly kissed one trusted friend of mine. I noticed something in his air, something that told me I was going to be kissed and I decided to respond that one time. My luck, though, made him kiss me on the cheek. A small piece of comedy again, eh? I remember once reading that kissing someone in one's dreams would mean deep friendship in the real life. We are friends, I know, but I feel him drifting away. Maybe that's a long kiss goodbye?

I woke up four hours before I should have. That sucks.

Tune of the moment:

Howard Blake - Walking in the Air

A Dream

I might have mentioned several times how my dreams effect my daily life. I might see something coming or understand someone elses' feelings in my dreams. Last night I had a dream that made me so happy I actually woke up in tears. Tears of happiness, though. I can't tell all that dream was about, but I was getting married and decided to go for someone else than the one that I was about to walk the aisle to. I ran through the church and saw one of God's angels sitting there in the back room. He said nothing, but I sensed his approval as I kept on running. I know there's no meaning in this dream - I usually know if it means something, but it just made me happy - the fact that it told me I can choose - and whatever I choose, it is the right answer.

This day might end up being very good indeed.

Getting Old

I realized today that in 2006 I'll be 25. Imagine that. I still feel like 16 and look 18 - according to some of my friends. I'll have 25 more years to be called "old" and 25 after that to be dead. That's horrible! I don't want to get old, I don't want to die, but hey, what can one do? Except wait. It would me fun to be able to know the day you're going to day. I want to die 13th December 2061. That would be a nice day to die. Remember that, dear fate!

One friend of mine turned 28 today. His age reminded me of the fact I haven't done anything that matters. No children, no job, nothing. Does it mean I'm nothing too? I wish that someone could show me what would have happened if I was never born. Like the spirits showed Mr. Scrooge (or who the hell he was). Like in the movie Butterfly Effect - in which Ashton Kutchers' character decides to die in the womb after never succeeding to make other people's lifes better. I guess this wasn't in the screened version and only the ones who bought the DVD had the chance for the alternate ending.

Well, enough talk about death and misery.

I'm happy today. I feel kinda good. I might have mentioned this before, but I can't stop being amazed at the fact that just by seeing someone really, really good looking might save one's day. Like today. I was cold, my feet were wet and I was tired after 25 minute walk to school, but then this one dude - who I find drop dead gorgeous - walked by me at the hallway, saw me, sat on the opposite couch and started talking. It's funny that he makes me nervous. Nervous in that good way. And he makes me go back to the teenagy-blushing-stupid smiling -thing. I'm glad he has a girlfriend - I might have a crush on otherwise.

Today's tune is one I found recently on one of my friends' CDs. The lyrics aren't really the thing - despite of the "happy" thoughts of the lyrics, I find the melody very sad and the way she sings.. it's not a way someone sends her love to to someone who's still here.

Ayumi Hamasaki - Heaven

Long time...

It seems to be forever since the last time I felt like saying anything to anyone.

Most of my problems are either long gone or getting smaller. The thing in my tummy wasn't anything dangerous and it's easily removable. But I'm gonna have to get that thing removed soon. Daily headaches, difficulties of breathing, tummy aches, they seem to have disappeared. I'm very happy about that.

The only problem is J, whom I still don't trust. He repeated the internet-dating stuff again, this time with pictures and all. I hated him for that and I still think I do hate him just a little bit. But we're coping. But I'm still being paranoid and - silly - revengeful. I often find myself thinking that if I did that too would it make it easier for me to cope with all J has done to me?

But, I'm still ugly and fat and no one would even look at me.

I have to confess that I kind of miss the first kiss thing - as I have explained before.

One learns to live without some things, though.

... and sometimes sweet memories are greater than new experiences - as I learned a couple of days ago having another bagel in the local deli.

Sadly, one of my teachers passed away on christmas day - he was in his middle fourties and one of my favorites for his funny way of speech. His death made me think I have to take better care of myself. People in this country are more afraid of cancer than the real killer, cardiovascular diseases which apparently were the cause of his death. To avoid early death I'll really have to start thinking of me instead of others. After all we only get one life and it would be silly to waste half of it by dying too soon, eh?

Every day I see stressed people around me and some of them I care about. I'd hate to see them going down.

There are a few people I'd like to get rid of, though. With no regrets.