A Gay Surprise on the Double

So,

a friend came out of the closet with a nice declaration of relationship to a person of the same sex. Everybody's known his interests forever, but no one ever actually said it or asked about it and he has never told himself. I was never sure and we're not that close, he's a friend of a good friend.

I'm not against gay people. That's the way they were coded and this is they way I was coded, there's nothing anyone can do about it.

So why are my thoughts so weird?

Has he told his parents?
What does is ex-girlfriend think now? Does she think she made her gay because of their botched relationship?
I hope I hadn't said anything bad against gay people in front of him.
I hope I didn't try to match him with a girl...

That kind of thoughts.
 
Everyone else has been congratulating and being happy. I'm just numb. Why can't I feel happy or am I - somewhere I don't want to let myself know - against the homosexuals?

I tried to think being gay is against the nature, that the default is something between a woman and a man. But it is natural. We're monkeys and monkeys have homosexual encounters. They are not driven away or shunned. The Greek based their relationships between the men and the women were only for breeding. The mightiest thinkers on Earth, the Greeks. The fathers of drama. There's nothing really weird about being gay. I just can't see it any other way than it's obvious.

So why is it bothering me? Well, not bothering but raising these weird, useless thoughts?

Well, there's one thing that really bothers me. I posted my thoughts on Facebook. I guess I wrote it so that one person got it the wrong way and asked me what I meant by it and added; "I was only thinking because, you know, I'm gay.."  Now, in his profile he says he is interested in men, but I always thought it was a joke. He's that kind of a person, into weird jokes that are sometimes baffling, so I thought this was one of them. So he's gay too. I've known him  - though not so well, more like every third weekend, lately Facebook kind of known - for almost nine years and it never occurred to me. So he's been openly gay all this time and I thought it was a joke. Should I be ashamed or does it mean I'm really so okay with this stuff that I don't have a real stand on this. No real opinion.

This doesn't change how I feel about these people or change the way I treat them, I don't actually care. But why these thoughts? It can't be because I'd regret the things I've said or done in front of them, they already know I'm an idiot.

A Little Something From The Past & Comets

The comet Lulin is visible for a couple of weeks. I haven't seen it yet, because it "rises" above the horizon very early in the morning. I have a good telescope and I haven't been able to use it for quite some time now, because most of the time the weather sucks.

My Ex spoke to me on MSN today. I removed him from my friend contacts ages ago cause I thought it would be annoying to J and my ex's wife if we talked to each other. But today I figured it is totally okay and added him to friends again. We don't have feelings for each other anymore. We broke up for a reason back then and we live 600 kilometers apart, so what harm could it do to anyone?

I still love him, when he comes to my mind once or twice a year, but not in that relationship-love -manner. It's like the love you feel for something good that happened, the good memories and feelings remembered. I love all my exes, the good bits in them. But I would never want to have a relationship with them again. I know what was M's biggest fault and I bet he found a great deal in me. Being awfully jeallous isn't the smallest, I bet.

The only relationship I regret were the two I didn't have. One because I didn't want to break up with M and one because this guy was too good a friend to lose. The friend has long been gone, so no harm would have been done anyway.

Regrets, one thing the humans could do without.

O' Canada.

I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed. I should have stayed.

I'm just a stupid cow.

Hi to Jamie, Helene, Collin, Sebastien and Claire. I knew I made a mistake. I know. I'm sorry.

I suck.

The Fly Is Still Alive

Yes, and it's tearing my nerves.

Should I feed it? Wonder if I could keep it alive through winter, would it like me?

Naah, just kidding. :)

The weather is nice, cold, but the sun is shining. I wish that winter would come soon this year.

Oh.. I have had this very unpleasant thought of not seeing year 2008 - for quite some time now. I also keep getting those panic attacks - the ones that I get when my tanatophopia kicks in. I have been able to hide them from J many times and I hope he won't see them, since he gets so scared.

I heard that some people know when they are going to die, that they have these dreams full of actual feelings - or they feel terrible lightness and start seeing everything as it would be the last time. I have had all of that lately. And you know what..? I would be relieved. That it would finally be over. I wouldn't have to wake up at night and suddenly realize that it could be over any time, I wouldn't have to be afraid that J would get into a car accident. I wouldn't have to care. My mother would be glad for finally getting rid of me for good - since that's what she's wanted since the day I was born. My sisters would be happy for me, since they would think I could have peace.

I wish I could live without a days regret, not feeling sorry for myself or anyone else. One perfect day would be enough for me - and I'd be ready to die. Do you hear that, fate? I'll exchange one perfect day - for the rest of my days.

.. I know that
only time can tell us how
to carry on without each other..