I normally don't listen to the radio. Yesterday I turned it on by accident and there it was.. I stopped there and couldn't understand why it had the effect on me. Nickelback, you did it again! Here's a confession for you, world: Nickelback is my weakness, despite of all the techno and house enthusiasm. It's only occasionally when a song can stop me right there and this one did it. I actually stayed up to - I don't know - four a.m. just to listen a few songs..
The tune of last night:
Nickelback - Far Away
Another song that stopped me a few weeks ago was a song that's originally (a Tears for Fears song) on the Donnie Brasco soundtrack, but I discovered it on the sixth-season episode "Room service" of CSI. I must have watched the opening scene where the song played at least two dozen times just to hear that song. I also saw the music video last night. Though the idea of the video is cute, the CSI opening scene would have made a better video. It was an excellent episode, by the way..
Ladies and Gentlemen, tune of the day:
Gary Jules - Mad World
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
When people were made, there were some pieces left - enough to make one more person. That's me. I'm leftovers.
Tuesday
Monday
Flow
Today I decided that I want to go to Santorini. That's somewhere in the mediterranean sea - in Greece - I think. Why Santorini? Ever since I started thinking as a child and understood what it feels like when something takes "your breath away", I have loved four things above everything: sunsets, sea, thunder and volcanoes. You can get three of those in Santorini - and if lucky, thunder too. I saw a picture of white and putty houses with blue rooftops, bare ground... I think that's the place I ought to see once in my life. So, Santorini, you're calling me, but I can answer that call no sooner than after a few years of saving money and dieting. But I promise to myself I'll be there one day.
If there's someone who'd take me there, please give me a call. But you'd have to be at least 5ft9 and look like Ewan McGregor or Colin Farrel.
It's spring. Cold, but it's spring. And spring is showing it's pretty face under the snow. All the dog poop and litter. How nice.
Another thing that's in my mind is the fact that everyone around me seems to be more or less pregnant. I just see them everywhere - walking with their cute little bellies.. haha! Don't get me wrong! That doesn't do the trick for me. I'm not like "aaw", but more like "eew".. I hate it when they turn inwards and think that everyone else is as excited as they are. It's quite the opposite to me, I can't stand kids yelling everywhere, crying, demanding. You have kids and your life is ruined. And what a few pregnancies do to a woman! They lose their mind, their world becomes kids-centered and they go monsterous on their men. One pregnant friend of mine once said I'm being selfish when I don't want children and cannot join her happiness. I can't help it. I see children as a burden to their parents - so I'm pretty sure I will never have kids. There are many reasons but I think the real reason is I that believe I will become the same as my mother. I believe I could never hit or hurt anything that is a part of me, but I can't be sure. My sister is doing well and has passed her genes (and my genes as well) forward. Maybe that's the way it ought to be. And besides, here I am, 25 and not a single marriage proposal. My time will soon be over - because who would have kids when over 30, one would be too old to understand them as they grow up. I have so many plans, so many things to do before I'm too old and the "kids" thing isn't even on that list right now. I wish I'd grow up and want a suburb house, SUV and four kids.
I applied to medschool this spring.
Wishful thinking, I can hardly manage division.
If there's someone who'd take me there, please give me a call. But you'd have to be at least 5ft9 and look like Ewan McGregor or Colin Farrel.
It's spring. Cold, but it's spring. And spring is showing it's pretty face under the snow. All the dog poop and litter. How nice.
Another thing that's in my mind is the fact that everyone around me seems to be more or less pregnant. I just see them everywhere - walking with their cute little bellies.. haha! Don't get me wrong! That doesn't do the trick for me. I'm not like "aaw", but more like "eew".. I hate it when they turn inwards and think that everyone else is as excited as they are. It's quite the opposite to me, I can't stand kids yelling everywhere, crying, demanding. You have kids and your life is ruined. And what a few pregnancies do to a woman! They lose their mind, their world becomes kids-centered and they go monsterous on their men. One pregnant friend of mine once said I'm being selfish when I don't want children and cannot join her happiness. I can't help it. I see children as a burden to their parents - so I'm pretty sure I will never have kids. There are many reasons but I think the real reason is I that believe I will become the same as my mother. I believe I could never hit or hurt anything that is a part of me, but I can't be sure. My sister is doing well and has passed her genes (and my genes as well) forward. Maybe that's the way it ought to be. And besides, here I am, 25 and not a single marriage proposal. My time will soon be over - because who would have kids when over 30, one would be too old to understand them as they grow up. I have so many plans, so many things to do before I'm too old and the "kids" thing isn't even on that list right now. I wish I'd grow up and want a suburb house, SUV and four kids.
I applied to medschool this spring.
Wishful thinking, I can hardly manage division.
Wednesday
Parenting Advise... or a warning..
My mother,
whom (some of you might know being a violent and paranoid person) just kicked my 17-year-old kid sister from her house! And why was that? Before I answer that question I have to remind you that she has kids only because she gets more benefits. My older sister was practically a slave before she got a foster family, then it was my turn. I cleaned the whole house, handled the dishes, served her (really! breakfast in bed etc) but still managed to get good grades in school but I believe that's only because I'm somewhat witty. But not witty enough to understand that what I thought was me doing her favors because she was my mom was really her using me as a personal slave. And what has my mother done since I left? Well, she tried to handle things but when it came to the point she couldn't work anymore, she just stays the days at home and goes often drinking. And my kid sisters run the house. They seldom have money for anything teenagy and often my sister is the last one who gets the books for courses. It amazes me constantly that she can barely feed them, but can afford to go the local pub for a "relaxing moment". Relaxing from what?! SHE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! Well, now the answer.. my sister decided not to let her use her like she did to me and the eldest sister. My mother, the woman who gave birth to her, kicked her out for being "unreasonable", "crazy", "behaving badly", "drinking", "not obeying" her and as before she has managed to let all the social workers and relatives think that's it's my fault. MY FAULT! That I have brainwashed my kid sisters to believe she is crazy and that I have managed to turn everyone against her. It's funny that I haven't even spoked to any of our mutual "friends" because they have taken all her bullshit as the truth. Nobody believes our "mother" kicked her out, but think she left by herself.
Now my kid sister tries to go through high school with only 65 dollars a month because she being so young prevents her from getting the same student allowance I get. She lives at her friends' place. A friend who has her own place her parents pay for her and if they get differences of opinion, the friend could kick her out. My sister a homeless - and she is not even 18! IN THIS COUNTRY! Here only alcoholics and drugaddicts are homeless.
She lives 550 kilometers north from where I am and wants to finish high school there and there's nothing I can say about that though I suggested she'd move here. She just spent a week here at my place and I gave her all the attention I could - even skipped school for three days. Before she left back today I bought her a big bag of groceries and gave her my last money to let her have at least some to use only for herself. I would have needed the money myself but I figured out that my new 300GB hard drive can wait unless J want's to pay it. I felt like crying when I saw that 5 foot kid get on the train carrying bags bigger than her body.
I also have never geen more grateful about J, than today as I figured out he allowed me to hand the money (we needed) to my sister...
Now there's only one of us living home with the bitch and I'm worried like hell. The youngest has always been the favorite child, but I'm worried that now the bitch has no one else to make miserable, she'll turn against her. But there's some light in darkness: I've never been happier to know that they get free meals at school. But I'm afraid that doesn't give them enough energy in a long run..
I wish, I wish I'd win in the lottery so I could get all of my sisters a decent place to live. I'm pretty happy the way things are now for me, but I'd like to fix their lives.
God, if you're there, please take this as a prayer. Fix their lives.
I hope the rest of the relatives would finally believe that our mother is sick, not us.
And now something totally different:
I love early spring when the sun starts to warm a bit and it makes the snow shine like billions of diamonds. March is my favorite month, but not this year... Why? Because I learned that the human body starts deteriorating in the age of 25. I'm going to be 25 in only 11 days.
whom (some of you might know being a violent and paranoid person) just kicked my 17-year-old kid sister from her house! And why was that? Before I answer that question I have to remind you that she has kids only because she gets more benefits. My older sister was practically a slave before she got a foster family, then it was my turn. I cleaned the whole house, handled the dishes, served her (really! breakfast in bed etc) but still managed to get good grades in school but I believe that's only because I'm somewhat witty. But not witty enough to understand that what I thought was me doing her favors because she was my mom was really her using me as a personal slave. And what has my mother done since I left? Well, she tried to handle things but when it came to the point she couldn't work anymore, she just stays the days at home and goes often drinking. And my kid sisters run the house. They seldom have money for anything teenagy and often my sister is the last one who gets the books for courses. It amazes me constantly that she can barely feed them, but can afford to go the local pub for a "relaxing moment". Relaxing from what?! SHE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! Well, now the answer.. my sister decided not to let her use her like she did to me and the eldest sister. My mother, the woman who gave birth to her, kicked her out for being "unreasonable", "crazy", "behaving badly", "drinking", "not obeying" her and as before she has managed to let all the social workers and relatives think that's it's my fault. MY FAULT! That I have brainwashed my kid sisters to believe she is crazy and that I have managed to turn everyone against her. It's funny that I haven't even spoked to any of our mutual "friends" because they have taken all her bullshit as the truth. Nobody believes our "mother" kicked her out, but think she left by herself.
Now my kid sister tries to go through high school with only 65 dollars a month because she being so young prevents her from getting the same student allowance I get. She lives at her friends' place. A friend who has her own place her parents pay for her and if they get differences of opinion, the friend could kick her out. My sister a homeless - and she is not even 18! IN THIS COUNTRY! Here only alcoholics and drugaddicts are homeless.
She lives 550 kilometers north from where I am and wants to finish high school there and there's nothing I can say about that though I suggested she'd move here. She just spent a week here at my place and I gave her all the attention I could - even skipped school for three days. Before she left back today I bought her a big bag of groceries and gave her my last money to let her have at least some to use only for herself. I would have needed the money myself but I figured out that my new 300GB hard drive can wait unless J want's to pay it. I felt like crying when I saw that 5 foot kid get on the train carrying bags bigger than her body.
I also have never geen more grateful about J, than today as I figured out he allowed me to hand the money (we needed) to my sister...
Now there's only one of us living home with the bitch and I'm worried like hell. The youngest has always been the favorite child, but I'm worried that now the bitch has no one else to make miserable, she'll turn against her. But there's some light in darkness: I've never been happier to know that they get free meals at school. But I'm afraid that doesn't give them enough energy in a long run..
I wish, I wish I'd win in the lottery so I could get all of my sisters a decent place to live. I'm pretty happy the way things are now for me, but I'd like to fix their lives.
God, if you're there, please take this as a prayer. Fix their lives.
I hope the rest of the relatives would finally believe that our mother is sick, not us.
And now something totally different:
I love early spring when the sun starts to warm a bit and it makes the snow shine like billions of diamonds. March is my favorite month, but not this year... Why? Because I learned that the human body starts deteriorating in the age of 25. I'm going to be 25 in only 11 days.
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