It started snowing on Sunday morning. I thought the snow would melt away but it didn't. Not yet.
Today was the first day since the accident that I could get out of bed without significiant pain. I haven't been taking painkillers for days now, but I can still feel something in my back. And the bruise where the car hit me is still there but it doesn't hurt all the time.
I had a little fever yesterday, might be because I went out on Sunday and sat on the wet ground. Now the fever is gone and I just keep asking myself why do I always get all the trouble? I'm like Job in the greatest book of fairytales. He blames the god thing for giving him only shit and what the god figure then does is give him SHIT. I must have been a real asshole in the previous life to get so much trouble in this one.
One pathetic life, must say.
A waste of resources. I'm 24 and haven't done anything yet. Nothing.
Hateful life.
When people were made, there were some pieces left - enough to make one more person. That's me. I'm leftovers.
Saturday
Anneliese Michel
I saw "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" today. I had hoped for a really creepy one but -again- the trailer promised much more than it really was. The true case of Anneliese Michel seems really interesting, though. Anneliese was the real-life Emily Rose and her story was almost faitfully followed in the movie. Google the name and read about her if you like.
Still aching, but already can sit up straight and walk without limbing. I'm glad. The driver of the car has phoned me to ask me if I'm okay. It's nice that he's more worried than any of my friends. One didn't even call when I told him I got hit by a car. That's nice - tells a lot about the level of friendship.
Have to feed the pet. Now.
Still aching, but already can sit up straight and walk without limbing. I'm glad. The driver of the car has phoned me to ask me if I'm okay. It's nice that he's more worried than any of my friends. One didn't even call when I told him I got hit by a car. That's nice - tells a lot about the level of friendship.
Have to feed the pet. Now.
Thursday
The Accident
I went to the library after school, took some books and left home. Now that I look back at yesterday, I'm starting to think there was someone looking after me because nothing really bad happened.
I drove down the street with my bike I went cross a few intersections, driving. I remember a girl who went really fast in front of me and thought "Geez, she must be late." Se drove on despite of the red light. I got off my bike and waited for the light to turn green. I looked at a guy on the other side of the road and thought he looked familiar but couldn't really crasp the thought. Then I went ahead. I was thinking about people going by, how this one girl was wearing too tight pants, and which way to go home. First I decided to go the usual way but then I thought I needed some change. I went through the central bus stops and ahead, it was -what- fourish in the afternoon and I was thinking that there wasn't much people there. Then in the second place of decision I chose to go ahead towards the police station as there is a sidewalk that bikers can use too and I don't like biking on the driveway as the traffic here is crazy in the afternoon.
Then again, the last point of decision. I noticed a car parked in a weird spot on a driveway to a local hardware store, thinking what an idiot he was. I noticed a nice, dark car parked in front of me and two people in it. I needed to either choose going straight or take it to the right and go the way as I usually go. I liked the car - it was a plain, but rather new so I decided to go straight to get a better look. i don't remember the make of it or if it really was a nice car now - guess I lost some of my memory a few seconds later. I was looking at the intersection far ahead to check if I can go across the street there or should I turn back. That intersection has changed a lot during the last year so I wasn't sure. Then I noticed a white car coming from left. Well actually I didn't notice it until I understood it was moving. I hit the breaks, too late. I always keep my fingers on the hand breaks so I did break, but when I did that, I lost the ability to turn the bike fast, so the pedal hit the car's extra headlight set. The next thing I was thinking: "Ok, you're gonna fall badly, relax and watch for your head." I pushed the bike and tried to jump off but I had a long white coat on and a bag full of books so I wasn't that flexible.
I fell to my left side and blacked out for just a sec. Then I thought that I was okay until it hit me. The pain. It hurt so much I couldn't breathe for a moment. Tears bursted out and I couldn't help the sounds coming out of my mouth. I was somewhere in the twilight zone until I realized nothing's broken and didn't feel I'd hit my head - and I remembered that years ago, I had learned a breathing technique I could use. Everyone was yelling and talking around me and someone called the ambulance and the police. I managed to ease the pain by concentrating to my breathing and was able to talk. I remember that I was worried about the car. I tried to get up but the pain kept me down there. I wasn't shocked - though. Guess everyone else was more shocked. There were people coming and going and staring and asking had I hit my head and if I was okay.
I decided to get up. The first attempt to get up didn't result as I wanted. I couldn't use my left arm to push me up so I took some deep breaths and forced myself to get up (for the stinging pain was momentarily only) as there was audience and I felt really stupid being on the ground when I wasn't lethally injured. My whole left side was burning and aching but I stood up. I called J to come and pick up the bike and luckily he was nearby. I stood the whole time, not straight, though - and the world was going around but I kept breathing and told everyone I was okay. Then I noticed the blood. A little, but blood anyway, on my leg. Something in my bike had punched a hole, but it looked worse than it really was.
J, the police and the ambulance came soon as we were right next to the police station. J came over me and was - I don't know, embarassed to be there - and the officer asked my name and date of birth and then went on asking the people who were there to find out whose fault it was. I was taken to the hospital so I won't know who's fault if was until I receive a charge or a bill. J took my bike and followed me to the hospital.
The driver of the white car was really nice and I think he got more scared than me. He apologized ten times and I said - not thinking - that we might bumb into each other some other time. Literally. Guess no one understood the joke - I understood it later.
The ambulance dude was really nice, we talked the whole way to the ER and he said that the car came from left, so it was basically his job to not hit me. Then they asked for my insurance - which I never had because the healthcare is free - I only have one that covers if I mess up someone else's stuff. The people had said I drove too fast. But I never drive fast! I never even cross the street on red light! The ambulance dude and the driver asked if I wanted them to carry me in, but I said I could walk. But it hurt like hell. At this point I actually started laughing for everyone being so considerate as I wasn't really hurt. I guess I was, because I actually yelled like a crazy monkey when I had to take a step down of the car. My hip felt like as if someone had stuck a 12 inch nail in there. The ambulance people laughed when I said "geez, I yell like a littel girl". The younger ambulance dude said again "want me to carry you?" and I said I'm doing fine. Then the older guy said: "She likes this" and I had to state that "Yes, hit me harder." They laughed. They put me in bed and put a blanket on and said "They're probably coming soon to give you a shot for the pain, have a nice day". I would have ran if I could've moved without help.
I young guy came over first to take my blood pressure and ask for some details . I told the same story I told the police and J and the ambulance people. He was, like, "You seem to be doing fine, stay here and the doctor will come soon. Oh, we should probably give you a shot." "Oh no you're not." I felt panic arising. "For the pain" he said. I refused. And refused again and decided that I'll stand a week of pain rather than take a needle. "Oh, a little needlephopic, eh?" he asked and went somewhere. I waited for the doctor for like an hour or so. The ER was full of old people with headache - nothing serious - and I was feeling only a bit dizzy but my butt hurt like hell. The nurse came and asked if I wanted another blanket and I said I'm quite fine - thinking why there were on a good mood as the ER is known of their rather non-customer-service -staff.
The doctor appeared to be a 35+ dude with nice blue eyes. He wanted asked the same questions ten-or-so people before him and I answered. He checked if I had broken a hip bone and he did a rather unpleasant check. I had to lay down and he took a crab of each side of my hip and twisted. Didn't hurt, but the feeling was somewhat unpleasant. Then he twisted my leg, did a lot of pushing and squeezing (gee, that sounds perverted) and then asked me to stand up. It took me about 30 secs to get up and stand. Then I noticed the doctor was at least 20 inches taller than me and I'm tall! He asked me to take a few steps and then as I was having hard time walking he wanted to check my spine and ribs. He was, like, "you know how to fall, eh?" I answered: "Guess those years training aikido and karate weren't useless. And I have never been so glad for my big butt."
Okay, so I was fine. The doctor told me to stay in bed for at least three days and then try moving outside of the house. He said that the pain was going to be terrible and told me to take a lot of painkillers. Then they sent me home and asked to come again if I had any doubts of injuries as they didn't want to take x-rays for I seemed to be doing fine.
By the time I got home the pain had gone wild. The whole left side of my body was aching (and by the way - still is - even with the painkillers). I'm glad I knew I had to come with my butt first but my heavy load and the coat caused the landing on the whole left side.
Now that I have relaxed a lot I know that there were some injuries they didn't notice. My neck feels like shit, I felt sick and feverish and right now I feel that I actually hit my head because the base of my skull feels sore. Well, if I die in haemorrhagia intracranialis or whatever I know they were wrong not x-raying me. Every inch of my body from the left ankle to the left ear hurts.
Now I'm just waiting what I'll have to pay for the damage to the car. Because I'm sure it will eventually be my fault as the driver appeared to be somewhat whealthy as I had the change to notice his suit and three cell phones. He was - luckily - driving a crappy car. But I heard the extra light sets can be really expensive. I can't stop thinking what I'll have to pay and why didn't I crush my skull in the street.
Or course, J doesn't understand. He takes it as if it was nothing. He doesn't realize that if the car didn't come from a parking lot it would have driven faster and I would probably be dead as I never wear a helmet when biking. Guess he doesn't care after all. He was very servicing, though. Even bought me my favorite ice cream today.
It seems like forever and that was barely 24 hours ago.
I drove down the street with my bike I went cross a few intersections, driving. I remember a girl who went really fast in front of me and thought "Geez, she must be late." Se drove on despite of the red light. I got off my bike and waited for the light to turn green. I looked at a guy on the other side of the road and thought he looked familiar but couldn't really crasp the thought. Then I went ahead. I was thinking about people going by, how this one girl was wearing too tight pants, and which way to go home. First I decided to go the usual way but then I thought I needed some change. I went through the central bus stops and ahead, it was -what- fourish in the afternoon and I was thinking that there wasn't much people there. Then in the second place of decision I chose to go ahead towards the police station as there is a sidewalk that bikers can use too and I don't like biking on the driveway as the traffic here is crazy in the afternoon.
Then again, the last point of decision. I noticed a car parked in a weird spot on a driveway to a local hardware store, thinking what an idiot he was. I noticed a nice, dark car parked in front of me and two people in it. I needed to either choose going straight or take it to the right and go the way as I usually go. I liked the car - it was a plain, but rather new so I decided to go straight to get a better look. i don't remember the make of it or if it really was a nice car now - guess I lost some of my memory a few seconds later. I was looking at the intersection far ahead to check if I can go across the street there or should I turn back. That intersection has changed a lot during the last year so I wasn't sure. Then I noticed a white car coming from left. Well actually I didn't notice it until I understood it was moving. I hit the breaks, too late. I always keep my fingers on the hand breaks so I did break, but when I did that, I lost the ability to turn the bike fast, so the pedal hit the car's extra headlight set. The next thing I was thinking: "Ok, you're gonna fall badly, relax and watch for your head." I pushed the bike and tried to jump off but I had a long white coat on and a bag full of books so I wasn't that flexible.
I fell to my left side and blacked out for just a sec. Then I thought that I was okay until it hit me. The pain. It hurt so much I couldn't breathe for a moment. Tears bursted out and I couldn't help the sounds coming out of my mouth. I was somewhere in the twilight zone until I realized nothing's broken and didn't feel I'd hit my head - and I remembered that years ago, I had learned a breathing technique I could use. Everyone was yelling and talking around me and someone called the ambulance and the police. I managed to ease the pain by concentrating to my breathing and was able to talk. I remember that I was worried about the car. I tried to get up but the pain kept me down there. I wasn't shocked - though. Guess everyone else was more shocked. There were people coming and going and staring and asking had I hit my head and if I was okay.
I decided to get up. The first attempt to get up didn't result as I wanted. I couldn't use my left arm to push me up so I took some deep breaths and forced myself to get up (for the stinging pain was momentarily only) as there was audience and I felt really stupid being on the ground when I wasn't lethally injured. My whole left side was burning and aching but I stood up. I called J to come and pick up the bike and luckily he was nearby. I stood the whole time, not straight, though - and the world was going around but I kept breathing and told everyone I was okay. Then I noticed the blood. A little, but blood anyway, on my leg. Something in my bike had punched a hole, but it looked worse than it really was.
J, the police and the ambulance came soon as we were right next to the police station. J came over me and was - I don't know, embarassed to be there - and the officer asked my name and date of birth and then went on asking the people who were there to find out whose fault it was. I was taken to the hospital so I won't know who's fault if was until I receive a charge or a bill. J took my bike and followed me to the hospital.
The driver of the white car was really nice and I think he got more scared than me. He apologized ten times and I said - not thinking - that we might bumb into each other some other time. Literally. Guess no one understood the joke - I understood it later.
The ambulance dude was really nice, we talked the whole way to the ER and he said that the car came from left, so it was basically his job to not hit me. Then they asked for my insurance - which I never had because the healthcare is free - I only have one that covers if I mess up someone else's stuff. The people had said I drove too fast. But I never drive fast! I never even cross the street on red light! The ambulance dude and the driver asked if I wanted them to carry me in, but I said I could walk. But it hurt like hell. At this point I actually started laughing for everyone being so considerate as I wasn't really hurt. I guess I was, because I actually yelled like a crazy monkey when I had to take a step down of the car. My hip felt like as if someone had stuck a 12 inch nail in there. The ambulance people laughed when I said "geez, I yell like a littel girl". The younger ambulance dude said again "want me to carry you?" and I said I'm doing fine. Then the older guy said: "She likes this" and I had to state that "Yes, hit me harder." They laughed. They put me in bed and put a blanket on and said "They're probably coming soon to give you a shot for the pain, have a nice day". I would have ran if I could've moved without help.
I young guy came over first to take my blood pressure and ask for some details . I told the same story I told the police and J and the ambulance people. He was, like, "You seem to be doing fine, stay here and the doctor will come soon. Oh, we should probably give you a shot." "Oh no you're not." I felt panic arising. "For the pain" he said. I refused. And refused again and decided that I'll stand a week of pain rather than take a needle. "Oh, a little needlephopic, eh?" he asked and went somewhere. I waited for the doctor for like an hour or so. The ER was full of old people with headache - nothing serious - and I was feeling only a bit dizzy but my butt hurt like hell. The nurse came and asked if I wanted another blanket and I said I'm quite fine - thinking why there were on a good mood as the ER is known of their rather non-customer-service -staff.
The doctor appeared to be a 35+ dude with nice blue eyes. He wanted asked the same questions ten-or-so people before him and I answered. He checked if I had broken a hip bone and he did a rather unpleasant check. I had to lay down and he took a crab of each side of my hip and twisted. Didn't hurt, but the feeling was somewhat unpleasant. Then he twisted my leg, did a lot of pushing and squeezing (gee, that sounds perverted) and then asked me to stand up. It took me about 30 secs to get up and stand. Then I noticed the doctor was at least 20 inches taller than me and I'm tall! He asked me to take a few steps and then as I was having hard time walking he wanted to check my spine and ribs. He was, like, "you know how to fall, eh?" I answered: "Guess those years training aikido and karate weren't useless. And I have never been so glad for my big butt."
Okay, so I was fine. The doctor told me to stay in bed for at least three days and then try moving outside of the house. He said that the pain was going to be terrible and told me to take a lot of painkillers. Then they sent me home and asked to come again if I had any doubts of injuries as they didn't want to take x-rays for I seemed to be doing fine.
By the time I got home the pain had gone wild. The whole left side of my body was aching (and by the way - still is - even with the painkillers). I'm glad I knew I had to come with my butt first but my heavy load and the coat caused the landing on the whole left side.
Now that I have relaxed a lot I know that there were some injuries they didn't notice. My neck feels like shit, I felt sick and feverish and right now I feel that I actually hit my head because the base of my skull feels sore. Well, if I die in haemorrhagia intracranialis or whatever I know they were wrong not x-raying me. Every inch of my body from the left ankle to the left ear hurts.
Now I'm just waiting what I'll have to pay for the damage to the car. Because I'm sure it will eventually be my fault as the driver appeared to be somewhat whealthy as I had the change to notice his suit and three cell phones. He was - luckily - driving a crappy car. But I heard the extra light sets can be really expensive. I can't stop thinking what I'll have to pay and why didn't I crush my skull in the street.
Or course, J doesn't understand. He takes it as if it was nothing. He doesn't realize that if the car didn't come from a parking lot it would have driven faster and I would probably be dead as I never wear a helmet when biking. Guess he doesn't care after all. He was very servicing, though. Even bought me my favorite ice cream today.
It seems like forever and that was barely 24 hours ago.
Wednesday
I Hate Wednesdays
Basically I hate every day, but wednesdays are worst. Why? Well, It's two days work before and two days after. My worst day used to be Sunday (for Monday being the next), but I have noticed that I'm vey upset almost every Tuesday because I'll have to wake up early on Wednesday.
It's 12th October today and I haven't had money since 4th. Not a cent of my own money. I hate being a student - the money is always gone the same day and the rest of the month I'm thinking that I'd like to go here and there, but never can go.
It's 12th October today and I haven't had money since 4th. Not a cent of my own money. I hate being a student - the money is always gone the same day and the rest of the month I'm thinking that I'd like to go here and there, but never can go.
Monday
Me Loves Google Earth
lat=21.1286523448 lon=-11.403688256
It's called the Richat Structure and in that nice piece of geology I found the answer for the reason Egyptians hold the eye as a symbol of living gods. How would an ancient person get a view from the heavens? Well..
You think about that.
It's called the Richat Structure and in that nice piece of geology I found the answer for the reason Egyptians hold the eye as a symbol of living gods. How would an ancient person get a view from the heavens? Well..
You think about that.
One Breaks Down And The Other One Fails
Not knowing where to go is just killing me. It's fuckin' eating me day after day until there's nothing left. I want so many things but don't have the means to get them.
I know I don't belong here. But where is it then? There is always this crazy feeling of not being able to stay where I am, I always want to go somewhere else and maybe be someone else.
Childish, I know.
Can't help it, though.
That's.
Oh, by the way, I wonder if there is anyone in the world who would accept me the way I am? With all my frantics (kill me for wrong word here) and every bad aspects in my nature.
I read Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice two days ago. I liked the story very much - I could, actually, be in Elizabeth Bennet's shoes one day. I'm proud and I'm very prejudical (another wrong word?) and that could be the fact that I'm always misunderstood and misunderstanding.
Funny. My English has been better.
A moment later..
Great. Just got humiliated in front of the class. I hadn't been added to the "learning environment" for that class - so I didn't know about the start date of the course. Which was last week. I checked his home page and boom, nothing there. I asked a simple question why I hadn't been added at all and the teacher started a monologue in which I was the major culprit. Of course I wouldn't have fuckin' asked if I knew that I was late! Of course I wouldn't have been absent from the first class if I'd knew when it was held! There is no prejudice at all when I say that he's an old fart who should be sitting in his diapers in some mental institute.
I know I don't belong here. But where is it then? There is always this crazy feeling of not being able to stay where I am, I always want to go somewhere else and maybe be someone else.
Childish, I know.
Can't help it, though.
That's.
Oh, by the way, I wonder if there is anyone in the world who would accept me the way I am? With all my frantics (kill me for wrong word here) and every bad aspects in my nature.
I read Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice two days ago. I liked the story very much - I could, actually, be in Elizabeth Bennet's shoes one day. I'm proud and I'm very prejudical (another wrong word?) and that could be the fact that I'm always misunderstood and misunderstanding.
Funny. My English has been better.
A moment later..
Great. Just got humiliated in front of the class. I hadn't been added to the "learning environment" for that class - so I didn't know about the start date of the course. Which was last week. I checked his home page and boom, nothing there. I asked a simple question why I hadn't been added at all and the teacher started a monologue in which I was the major culprit. Of course I wouldn't have fuckin' asked if I knew that I was late! Of course I wouldn't have been absent from the first class if I'd knew when it was held! There is no prejudice at all when I say that he's an old fart who should be sitting in his diapers in some mental institute.
Friday
Getting to "okay"
So, A few weeks ago I felt like shit. I felt like shit until this morning, actually.
And after those short hours of actually feeling good...
The bumb in my belly is starting to hurt again and the pain is all over the lower part of my belly. I tried to phone for the scan today but there was no answer. I'm beginning to think that the number isn't valid.
I hope it's not cancer.
Three of my grandparents have died on cancer. It's commonly known, that it might skip one generation and my mother's generation haven't died on cancer. That's apt to be either me or one of my sisters..
Haha, I phoned again. An answer. Finally.
WTF?
I got the appointment on 15th December. There's only one doctor in this town who does the scans once a month and all the appoinments were full until December. Great. Just great.
Does cancer spread in a few months?
And after those short hours of actually feeling good...
The bumb in my belly is starting to hurt again and the pain is all over the lower part of my belly. I tried to phone for the scan today but there was no answer. I'm beginning to think that the number isn't valid.
I hope it's not cancer.
Three of my grandparents have died on cancer. It's commonly known, that it might skip one generation and my mother's generation haven't died on cancer. That's apt to be either me or one of my sisters..
Haha, I phoned again. An answer. Finally.
WTF?
I got the appointment on 15th December. There's only one doctor in this town who does the scans once a month and all the appoinments were full until December. Great. Just great.
Does cancer spread in a few months?
Thursday
Today
I'm trying to change my last name as soon as I get some money. I might try either Croft or Grissom. The latter could be easily done, because it kinda sounds Swedish. Then I could always introduce me as Grissom, CSI. Naah. Just kidding. I'll change my name, but something more earthly.
I asked J about everything that was bothering me yesterday.
He found - as usual - explanations, good explanations. But still I can't trust a word he says. We had a short conversation about certain things I caught him doing and he gave a weird, but somewhat innocent story about how he doesn't want to talk about those things and it's a lot easier to do it in some other ways. A very good story, I must admit - but I don't believe it at all. I still believe he's doing something behind my back and that's killing me.
I can pretend happy, I did that a lot when I lived at home, but it's eating me.
He was trying to be very romantic - he read me a story from a book I borrowed from the library and - as I come to think of it - appears to be a pretty good reader. He stayed home all evening and tried to be nice, but I tend too see him as a snake in my garden - ready to attack.
There's nothing we can do, is there?
Is it over?
darling when
when did we fall?
when was it over?
I asked J about everything that was bothering me yesterday.
He found - as usual - explanations, good explanations. But still I can't trust a word he says. We had a short conversation about certain things I caught him doing and he gave a weird, but somewhat innocent story about how he doesn't want to talk about those things and it's a lot easier to do it in some other ways. A very good story, I must admit - but I don't believe it at all. I still believe he's doing something behind my back and that's killing me.
I can pretend happy, I did that a lot when I lived at home, but it's eating me.
He was trying to be very romantic - he read me a story from a book I borrowed from the library and - as I come to think of it - appears to be a pretty good reader. He stayed home all evening and tried to be nice, but I tend too see him as a snake in my garden - ready to attack.
There's nothing we can do, is there?
Is it over?
darling when
when did we fall?
when was it over?
Wednesday
One Day In Life
Well, I can't really stop thinking that there's still something wrong. J wants me to be here but then again I have come to think that he wants me to stay here because of what? How could he find the thoughts that he said were gone? That doesn't happen. When there's nothing there, there is nothing.
He says he doesn't know if I trust him. Trust him after all the things he's done! I can't stop thinking that what if the things he says isn't real - because he's a fabulous liar - and what if he is going to repeat the history. That's the way I don't trust him. How can two people be together if one is afraid the other one would leave again someday and the other one hopes he left. That's just sick.
I hate it when people don't know how to speak. I learned it years ago and me - being as impatient as I am - can't wait others to learn too. I hated it when J spoke about his hobbies but couldn't say that "I'm having hard time at work, I'd like you to listen". He is the kind of person who says nothing until he's forced to speak. I hated it when I tried to ask if there's something the wrong with him he'd just say "I'm okay" and then one day I'd hear there was a lot of things wrong.
We decided to try again (!!) but somehow I don't count on anything these days. My trust is gone. Every day he goes to work and I think that maybe today one friend of mine phones and asks if we are separated because she saw him with someone else. Every times he goes to his hobbies I think that some of his friends may talk to him and point out that I'm too needy and annoying and that he could find a better one. Every woman who comes to say "hi" to him, I think, she could be someone he's writing those oh-so-secret-e-mails with. He flips out every time I go close when he's on the computer and closes the windows fast. I must admit that I'm checking the firewall log for the pages he goes to and yesterday I found him looking at some girls' pictures on a website some people use as a dating place.
The conclusion: I don't trust. And I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't trust. Guess it's just me being paranoid again. This thing is bothering me so much I can't concentrate on anything, I can't do anything, I don't know what to do. He doesn't talk and appears to be in love but I don't know if he's being serious or what. I wish that it's just me being nutty.
I can't take it that my life just runs through my fingers and I can't help it. Unless I can tell myself I'm being silly and he means the business or unless he can assure me he's not going anywhere, I'll have to go. I can't take the pressure.
Basically, nothing would be wrong if he just told me what's going on inside of his head.
Sit down laugh thinking what have we done
Let me inside
Is it all over before it's begun
Please give me some time
He says he doesn't know if I trust him. Trust him after all the things he's done! I can't stop thinking that what if the things he says isn't real - because he's a fabulous liar - and what if he is going to repeat the history. That's the way I don't trust him. How can two people be together if one is afraid the other one would leave again someday and the other one hopes he left. That's just sick.
I hate it when people don't know how to speak. I learned it years ago and me - being as impatient as I am - can't wait others to learn too. I hated it when J spoke about his hobbies but couldn't say that "I'm having hard time at work, I'd like you to listen". He is the kind of person who says nothing until he's forced to speak. I hated it when I tried to ask if there's something the wrong with him he'd just say "I'm okay" and then one day I'd hear there was a lot of things wrong.
We decided to try again (!!) but somehow I don't count on anything these days. My trust is gone. Every day he goes to work and I think that maybe today one friend of mine phones and asks if we are separated because she saw him with someone else. Every times he goes to his hobbies I think that some of his friends may talk to him and point out that I'm too needy and annoying and that he could find a better one. Every woman who comes to say "hi" to him, I think, she could be someone he's writing those oh-so-secret-e-mails with. He flips out every time I go close when he's on the computer and closes the windows fast. I must admit that I'm checking the firewall log for the pages he goes to and yesterday I found him looking at some girls' pictures on a website some people use as a dating place.
The conclusion: I don't trust. And I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't trust. Guess it's just me being paranoid again. This thing is bothering me so much I can't concentrate on anything, I can't do anything, I don't know what to do. He doesn't talk and appears to be in love but I don't know if he's being serious or what. I wish that it's just me being nutty.
I can't take it that my life just runs through my fingers and I can't help it. Unless I can tell myself I'm being silly and he means the business or unless he can assure me he's not going anywhere, I'll have to go. I can't take the pressure.
Basically, nothing would be wrong if he just told me what's going on inside of his head.
Sit down laugh thinking what have we done
Let me inside
Is it all over before it's begun
Please give me some time
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