Well, I can't really stop thinking that there's still something wrong. J wants me to be here but then again I have come to think that he wants me to stay here because of what? How could he find the thoughts that he said were gone? That doesn't happen. When there's nothing there, there is nothing.
He says he doesn't know if I trust him. Trust him after all the things he's done! I can't stop thinking that what if the things he says isn't real - because he's a fabulous liar - and what if he is going to repeat the history. That's the way I don't trust him. How can two people be together if one is afraid the other one would leave again someday and the other one hopes he left. That's just sick.
I hate it when people don't know how to speak. I learned it years ago and me - being as impatient as I am - can't wait others to learn too. I hated it when J spoke about his hobbies but couldn't say that "I'm having hard time at work, I'd like you to listen". He is the kind of person who says nothing until he's forced to speak. I hated it when I tried to ask if there's something the wrong with him he'd just say "I'm okay" and then one day I'd hear there was a lot of things wrong.
We decided to try again (!!) but somehow I don't count on anything these days. My trust is gone. Every day he goes to work and I think that maybe today one friend of mine phones and asks if we are separated because she saw him with someone else. Every times he goes to his hobbies I think that some of his friends may talk to him and point out that I'm too needy and annoying and that he could find a better one. Every woman who comes to say "hi" to him, I think, she could be someone he's writing those oh-so-secret-e-mails with. He flips out every time I go close when he's on the computer and closes the windows fast. I must admit that I'm checking the firewall log for the pages he goes to and yesterday I found him looking at some girls' pictures on a website some people use as a dating place.
The conclusion: I don't trust. And I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't trust. Guess it's just me being paranoid again. This thing is bothering me so much I can't concentrate on anything, I can't do anything, I don't know what to do. He doesn't talk and appears to be in love but I don't know if he's being serious or what. I wish that it's just me being nutty.
I can't take it that my life just runs through my fingers and I can't help it. Unless I can tell myself I'm being silly and he means the business or unless he can assure me he's not going anywhere, I'll have to go. I can't take the pressure.
Basically, nothing would be wrong if he just told me what's going on inside of his head.
Sit down laugh thinking what have we done
Let me inside
Is it all over before it's begun
Please give me some time