I woke up today, utterly smack smitten in love. It's been crazy this morning. I don't even know whom I'm in love with, but it feels like I've just met someone and fallen knee deep in love. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with a dream I had a few nights ago. I think I kissed someone in that dream. I knew him but I didn't know his name. It wasn't the man in my dreams, however. I usually know it's him when I wake up, but this was someone else.
The dream was weird anyway. It was a boarding school of some kind, and I was the house mother, and there was a man, maybe he was the house father then.. We were on a patrol in the corridor when he grabbed me by the waist, pulled closer and told me how he had wanted to kiss me forever. Then he started to kiss me, but pulled away just as it would have counted as a kiss. Then he started again, but our lips barely touched. Then again. I wanted him to kiss me so badly I woke up. :D
Or then I'm so entwined in my overgrown short story I'm mixing up life and reality. I was thinking about changing my character names to something less obvious, as I'm pretty sure everyone would recognize them. I have done such a good work in describing them, and I've used names connected to them.. Maybe I shouldn't have. People who are not connected to me, but are real is a bad choice. Just a tip to other scribblers.
But nevertheless, today I'm happy. Today is the best day for a long time... and I'm sure by the time I get home... Well, let's just say there hasn't been love for such a long time between us. Yes, he is still my best friend, but friendship isn't enough when I want to be in love, to be the center of the world for someone, for at least some time. I want to feel pretty, and kiss someone with feelings other than "let's get this over now, like every day..."
But, a reality check: love doesn't last for many years anyway. It's useless to leave someone just because you've reached a level of companionship rather then lovers. It's useless to leave someone because with the other one, you'll end up in friendship, sooner or later. Or then you start hating each other.
When people were made, there were some pieces left - enough to make one more person. That's me. I'm leftovers.
Showing posts with label Relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationship. Show all posts
Thursday
Today
I'm trying to change my last name as soon as I get some money. I might try either Croft or Grissom. The latter could be easily done, because it kinda sounds Swedish. Then I could always introduce me as Grissom, CSI. Naah. Just kidding. I'll change my name, but something more earthly.
I asked J about everything that was bothering me yesterday.
He found - as usual - explanations, good explanations. But still I can't trust a word he says. We had a short conversation about certain things I caught him doing and he gave a weird, but somewhat innocent story about how he doesn't want to talk about those things and it's a lot easier to do it in some other ways. A very good story, I must admit - but I don't believe it at all. I still believe he's doing something behind my back and that's killing me.
I can pretend happy, I did that a lot when I lived at home, but it's eating me.
He was trying to be very romantic - he read me a story from a book I borrowed from the library and - as I come to think of it - appears to be a pretty good reader. He stayed home all evening and tried to be nice, but I tend too see him as a snake in my garden - ready to attack.
There's nothing we can do, is there?
Is it over?
darling when
when did we fall?
when was it over?
I asked J about everything that was bothering me yesterday.
He found - as usual - explanations, good explanations. But still I can't trust a word he says. We had a short conversation about certain things I caught him doing and he gave a weird, but somewhat innocent story about how he doesn't want to talk about those things and it's a lot easier to do it in some other ways. A very good story, I must admit - but I don't believe it at all. I still believe he's doing something behind my back and that's killing me.
I can pretend happy, I did that a lot when I lived at home, but it's eating me.
He was trying to be very romantic - he read me a story from a book I borrowed from the library and - as I come to think of it - appears to be a pretty good reader. He stayed home all evening and tried to be nice, but I tend too see him as a snake in my garden - ready to attack.
There's nothing we can do, is there?
Is it over?
darling when
when did we fall?
when was it over?
Wednesday
One Day In Life
Well, I can't really stop thinking that there's still something wrong. J wants me to be here but then again I have come to think that he wants me to stay here because of what? How could he find the thoughts that he said were gone? That doesn't happen. When there's nothing there, there is nothing.
He says he doesn't know if I trust him. Trust him after all the things he's done! I can't stop thinking that what if the things he says isn't real - because he's a fabulous liar - and what if he is going to repeat the history. That's the way I don't trust him. How can two people be together if one is afraid the other one would leave again someday and the other one hopes he left. That's just sick.
I hate it when people don't know how to speak. I learned it years ago and me - being as impatient as I am - can't wait others to learn too. I hated it when J spoke about his hobbies but couldn't say that "I'm having hard time at work, I'd like you to listen". He is the kind of person who says nothing until he's forced to speak. I hated it when I tried to ask if there's something the wrong with him he'd just say "I'm okay" and then one day I'd hear there was a lot of things wrong.
We decided to try again (!!) but somehow I don't count on anything these days. My trust is gone. Every day he goes to work and I think that maybe today one friend of mine phones and asks if we are separated because she saw him with someone else. Every times he goes to his hobbies I think that some of his friends may talk to him and point out that I'm too needy and annoying and that he could find a better one. Every woman who comes to say "hi" to him, I think, she could be someone he's writing those oh-so-secret-e-mails with. He flips out every time I go close when he's on the computer and closes the windows fast. I must admit that I'm checking the firewall log for the pages he goes to and yesterday I found him looking at some girls' pictures on a website some people use as a dating place.
The conclusion: I don't trust. And I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't trust. Guess it's just me being paranoid again. This thing is bothering me so much I can't concentrate on anything, I can't do anything, I don't know what to do. He doesn't talk and appears to be in love but I don't know if he's being serious or what. I wish that it's just me being nutty.
I can't take it that my life just runs through my fingers and I can't help it. Unless I can tell myself I'm being silly and he means the business or unless he can assure me he's not going anywhere, I'll have to go. I can't take the pressure.
Basically, nothing would be wrong if he just told me what's going on inside of his head.
Sit down laugh thinking what have we done
Let me inside
Is it all over before it's begun
Please give me some time
He says he doesn't know if I trust him. Trust him after all the things he's done! I can't stop thinking that what if the things he says isn't real - because he's a fabulous liar - and what if he is going to repeat the history. That's the way I don't trust him. How can two people be together if one is afraid the other one would leave again someday and the other one hopes he left. That's just sick.
I hate it when people don't know how to speak. I learned it years ago and me - being as impatient as I am - can't wait others to learn too. I hated it when J spoke about his hobbies but couldn't say that "I'm having hard time at work, I'd like you to listen". He is the kind of person who says nothing until he's forced to speak. I hated it when I tried to ask if there's something the wrong with him he'd just say "I'm okay" and then one day I'd hear there was a lot of things wrong.
We decided to try again (!!) but somehow I don't count on anything these days. My trust is gone. Every day he goes to work and I think that maybe today one friend of mine phones and asks if we are separated because she saw him with someone else. Every times he goes to his hobbies I think that some of his friends may talk to him and point out that I'm too needy and annoying and that he could find a better one. Every woman who comes to say "hi" to him, I think, she could be someone he's writing those oh-so-secret-e-mails with. He flips out every time I go close when he's on the computer and closes the windows fast. I must admit that I'm checking the firewall log for the pages he goes to and yesterday I found him looking at some girls' pictures on a website some people use as a dating place.
The conclusion: I don't trust. And I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't trust. Guess it's just me being paranoid again. This thing is bothering me so much I can't concentrate on anything, I can't do anything, I don't know what to do. He doesn't talk and appears to be in love but I don't know if he's being serious or what. I wish that it's just me being nutty.
I can't take it that my life just runs through my fingers and I can't help it. Unless I can tell myself I'm being silly and he means the business or unless he can assure me he's not going anywhere, I'll have to go. I can't take the pressure.
Basically, nothing would be wrong if he just told me what's going on inside of his head.
Sit down laugh thinking what have we done
Let me inside
Is it all over before it's begun
Please give me some time
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