Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mother,

I hope that one day you'll see what you have done and for a short moment will feel all the terror you have made us, your children, feel.

I hope that after realizing the damage you have done will make you come and say you're sorry and ask for our forgiveness. Only then you can have it.

If you can't understand your own mistakes, none of your grandkids will come visit you, no one will send you cards on christmas. Three of them hate you already. Not because they were told what you are, but because of your words and actions they have had to experience when we were trying to make you part of the family you couldn' t make us.

You will die alone, mother. How does it make you feel? To think that there will be no one holding your hand when you take your last breath. There will be none of your children present when you've put in to the ground. There will be no long time friends there, no husbands, no sisters, no brothers, no one but a priest from the church you abandoned long time ago and which abandoned you.

You have burned all the bridges behind you.

Happy Mother's Day, mother.

All your children spend their mother's day with someone elses' mother... And probably I'm the only one who thinks of you, me, who has gotten the worst out of you.

Oh, I have one memory to share with you, mother:

When I left my foster parents house after living there for almost eight years, the mother gave me a book. It was a very sad story of a little girl who eventually found her place in life - and it was called "The Little Well-bred Girl". In it's first leaf it read:

"I hope you will find your place in life, little well-bred girl. I hope that you will find your inner child, because you never learned how to be one. I hope that one day you will raise another well-bred girl who will never have to learn life the way you have learned."

Mother, I don't wish I was never born. I wish I was born to someone else than you. I'd might be a whole lot more than just leftovers.

This mother's day is dedicated to you, S, though we were never allowed to call you mother.

Parenting Advise... or a warning..

My mother,

whom (some of you might know being a violent and paranoid person) just kicked my 17-year-old kid sister from her house! And why was that? Before I answer that question I have to remind you that she has kids only because she gets more benefits. My older sister was practically a slave before she got a foster family, then it was my turn. I cleaned the whole house, handled the dishes, served her (really! breakfast in bed etc) but still managed to get good grades in school but I believe that's only because I'm somewhat witty. But not witty enough to understand that what I thought was me doing her favors because she was my mom was really her using me as a personal slave. And what has my mother done since I left? Well, she tried to handle things but when it came to the point she couldn't work anymore, she just stays the days at home and goes often drinking. And my kid sisters run the house. They seldom have money for anything teenagy and often my sister is the last one who gets the books for courses. It amazes me constantly that she can barely feed them, but can afford to go the local pub for a "relaxing moment". Relaxing from what?! SHE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! Well, now the answer.. my sister decided not to let her use her like she did to me and the eldest sister. My mother, the woman who gave birth to her, kicked her out for being "unreasonable", "crazy", "behaving badly", "drinking", "not obeying" her and as before she has managed to let all the social workers and relatives think that's it's my fault. MY FAULT! That I have brainwashed my kid sisters to believe she is crazy and that I have managed to turn everyone against her. It's funny that I haven't even spoked to any of our mutual "friends" because they have taken all her bullshit as the truth. Nobody believes our "mother" kicked her out, but think she left by herself.

Now my kid sister tries to go through high school with only 65 dollars a month because she being so young prevents her from getting the same student allowance I get. She lives at her friends' place. A friend who has her own place her parents pay for her and if they get differences of opinion, the friend could kick her out. My sister a homeless - and she is not even 18! IN THIS COUNTRY! Here only alcoholics and drugaddicts are homeless.

She lives 550 kilometers north from where I am and wants to finish high school there and there's nothing I can say about that though I suggested she'd move here. She just spent a week here at my place and I gave her all the attention I could - even skipped school for three days. Before she left back today I bought her a big bag of groceries and gave her my last money to let her have at least some to use only for herself. I would have needed the money myself but I figured out that my new 300GB hard drive can wait unless J want's to pay it. I felt like crying when I saw that 5 foot kid get on the train carrying bags bigger than her body.

I also have never geen more grateful about J, than today as I figured out he allowed me to hand the money (we needed) to my sister...

Now there's only one of us living home with the bitch and I'm worried like hell. The youngest has always been the favorite child, but I'm worried that now the bitch has no one else to make miserable, she'll turn against her. But there's some light in darkness: I've never been happier to know that they get free meals at school. But I'm afraid that doesn't give them enough energy in a long run..

I wish, I wish I'd win in the lottery so I could get all of my sisters a decent place to live. I'm pretty happy the way things are now for me, but I'd like to fix their lives.

God, if you're there, please take this as a prayer. Fix their lives.

I hope the rest of the relatives would finally believe that our mother is sick, not us.

And now something totally different:

I love early spring when the sun starts to warm a bit and it makes the snow shine like billions of diamonds. March is my favorite month, but not this year... Why? Because I learned that the human body starts deteriorating in the age of 25. I'm going to be 25 in only 11 days.

Some More Creepy Dreams...

I know I hate my mother for everyhting she's done and the dream I had last night just makes it even stronger. You see, I was visiting her and we were going along pretty well, but then suddenly she turned the way she really is. We started fighting and she tried to strangle me but as I am in real life, I was taller, stronger and not blinded by my anger. So I put my arm in her mouth to suffocate her and I saw her life counter go low as she struggled for a breath. I decided that she isn't worth to die, she's to suffer. I let her go, but her life counter was on 0 %. She turned cold instantly but I knew I could save her for just giving her one breath of mine. I did. When she was back to life she continued on trying to kill me. That's when I woke up.

I think the dream is about me always giving my all for everyone even when they are mean. I always expect good things of people and then get disappointed. My mother is the best example for my own behavior: She's tried to kill me IRL at least three times, but still I wasn't scared to visit her. She's hurt me mentally. And still she was the one I used to call when I didn't know the answer. She took my trust on everyone, but still I wanted to get her stuff to make her life easier. I bought her a DVD-player, a cell phone, I paid her bills.. And now all I can think of is: "what the hell for?" She doesn't give anything back. Of course I got stuff when she was married to my 1st step dad who could afford stuff, so my room was full of things all my classmates wanted. But my mother has never told me that she's happy that I'm her kid. Even though it's a cliché I say: I could have changed every 100 mark bill for knowing that I was more than a burden.

I'm so tired.. I had to take the anti-itchy pill last night and it's still making me very sleepy. I'd like to go to bed and sleep the day off, but I have some things to do. Like the mountain of dirty dishes.