I know I hate my mother for everyhting she's done and the dream I had last night just makes it even stronger. You see, I was visiting her and we were going along pretty well, but then suddenly she turned the way she really is. We started fighting and she tried to strangle me but as I am in real life, I was taller, stronger and not blinded by my anger. So I put my arm in her mouth to suffocate her and I saw her life counter go low as she struggled for a breath. I decided that she isn't worth to die, she's to suffer. I let her go, but her life counter was on 0 %. She turned cold instantly but I knew I could save her for just giving her one breath of mine. I did. When she was back to life she continued on trying to kill me. That's when I woke up.
I think the dream is about me always giving my all for everyone even when they are mean. I always expect good things of people and then get disappointed. My mother is the best example for my own behavior: She's tried to kill me IRL at least three times, but still I wasn't scared to visit her. She's hurt me mentally. And still she was the one I used to call when I didn't know the answer. She took my trust on everyone, but still I wanted to get her stuff to make her life easier. I bought her a DVD-player, a cell phone, I paid her bills.. And now all I can think of is: "what the hell for?" She doesn't give anything back. Of course I got stuff when she was married to my 1st step dad who could afford stuff, so my room was full of things all my classmates wanted. But my mother has never told me that she's happy that I'm her kid. Even though it's a cliché I say: I could have changed every 100 mark bill for knowing that I was more than a burden.
I'm so tired.. I had to take the anti-itchy pill last night and it's still making me very sleepy. I'd like to go to bed and sleep the day off, but I have some things to do. Like the mountain of dirty dishes.