The Night In Hell

If all the bees on earth would die, the humans would follow four years later.

Fate, do you hear me? I swear I'll never take a swing at a bee again. Never.

Now, about my night in hell.

I woke up three times last night.

The first time I woke up to somebody calling my name, my first name, the one I don't use. I thought it was IHQ, but he was snoring his lungs out. But he only calls me by my nickname.
The second time I woke up, was that I just opened my eyes. The light from outside formed a cross on the wall. I was very freaked out and turned the light on. But the third time.. it took me almost two hours to be able to sleep again. I woke up to someone pulling my leg. Really pulling.
First I thought it was J kicking me in his dreams.. But he was facing the other way..It was pulling me outwards, so it wasn't a cramp. It was as if someone would be at the bedpost and pull. I was still really scared when I got to work. And the fact that I actually saw something in our livingroom, made it worse. I turned the TV on to watch good morning finland and then I saw something dark standing right outside the door. I thought it was J who came back to pick up something he forgot. I said hi and it was gone.

...

Need To Fall In Love

Sometimes you just miss it.

I've never done drugs but I suppose that falling in love is the ultimate high.

By the way, I had a dream of my friend earlier this year. A kiss that never happened between us. At that time I thought it was an omen of a goodbye and it was. It was an omen of a whithered friendship, I think. According to dreammoods, kiss that ends before it happens "indicates that you are unsure of how he or she really feels about you."

That was something weird anyway, we were friends but sometimes he was, like, there was something else.

The Fly Is Still Alive

Yes, and it's tearing my nerves.

Should I feed it? Wonder if I could keep it alive through winter, would it like me?

Naah, just kidding. :)

The weather is nice, cold, but the sun is shining. I wish that winter would come soon this year.

Oh.. I have had this very unpleasant thought of not seeing year 2008 - for quite some time now. I also keep getting those panic attacks - the ones that I get when my tanatophopia kicks in. I have been able to hide them from J many times and I hope he won't see them, since he gets so scared.

I heard that some people know when they are going to die, that they have these dreams full of actual feelings - or they feel terrible lightness and start seeing everything as it would be the last time. I have had all of that lately. And you know what..? I would be relieved. That it would finally be over. I wouldn't have to wake up at night and suddenly realize that it could be over any time, I wouldn't have to be afraid that J would get into a car accident. I wouldn't have to care. My mother would be glad for finally getting rid of me for good - since that's what she's wanted since the day I was born. My sisters would be happy for me, since they would think I could have peace.

I wish I could live without a days regret, not feeling sorry for myself or anyone else. One perfect day would be enough for me - and I'd be ready to die. Do you hear that, fate? I'll exchange one perfect day - for the rest of my days.

.. I know that
only time can tell us how
to carry on without each other..

Fly At the Roof

There's a fly at my roof.

I bet it will die tonight and it will fall straight into my open mouth and I wake up eating that fly.

That would be just my luck.

Congrats, Sputnik!

It's been 50 years from the launch of Sputnik 1.

"Beep, beep, beep", it said.

Then it crashed and burned..

Rest In Peace, Sputnik.