Monday

Fluffy Little Seed

"My heart is like a cup

Every day, drop by drop, my glass cup fills up a little more.

And so today, it feels like my cup became full."

Thursday

Fat, Fat and Fat

I'm on a diet, and on my last one.

I will never wear size 14 again. NEVER!

Sunday

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mother,

I hope that one day you'll see what you have done and for a short moment will feel all the terror you have made us, your children, feel.

I hope that after realizing the damage you have done will make you come and say you're sorry and ask for our forgiveness. Only then you can have it.

If you can't understand your own mistakes, none of your grandkids will come visit you, no one will send you cards on christmas. Three of them hate you already. Not because they were told what you are, but because of your words and actions they have had to experience when we were trying to make you part of the family you couldn' t make us.

You will die alone, mother. How does it make you feel? To think that there will be no one holding your hand when you take your last breath. There will be none of your children present when you've put in to the ground. There will be no long time friends there, no husbands, no sisters, no brothers, no one but a priest from the church you abandoned long time ago and which abandoned you.

You have burned all the bridges behind you.

Happy Mother's Day, mother.

All your children spend their mother's day with someone elses' mother... And probably I'm the only one who thinks of you, me, who has gotten the worst out of you.

Oh, I have one memory to share with you, mother:

When I left my foster parents house after living there for almost eight years, the mother gave me a book. It was a very sad story of a little girl who eventually found her place in life - and it was called "The Little Well-bred Girl". In it's first leaf it read:

"I hope you will find your place in life, little well-bred girl. I hope that you will find your inner child, because you never learned how to be one. I hope that one day you will raise another well-bred girl who will never have to learn life the way you have learned."

Mother, I don't wish I was never born. I wish I was born to someone else than you. I'd might be a whole lot more than just leftovers.

This mother's day is dedicated to you, S, though we were never allowed to call you mother.

Tales From The Past

Today J's mother, who is over 70 already, told me this when I asked if she knew any real ghost stories. She told me a story which her best friend told her of her experience.

Aile was a girl at her early twenties at that time. She went to work at a house for a day, it was summer. She had to spend the night in. At that time, it was not unusual for people to give a place to sleep for workmen, relatives, bypassers, there were very few crimes. She was given the little guest room next to the large room that would now be described as the dining hall, but at time it was more than just a dining room, all the social activity in the house happened in that room. The mistress of the house warned her she might have hard time sleeping there because of all the noise. She was wondering what was the point until it was time to go to bed. She described the noise as "if someone was riding horseback inside". They were telling that there were just noises, nothing else. No one would get hurt. She was horrified, of course. The girl who shared her room was brave enough to go see, but there was nothing there, just the sound. Obviously they were tired the next day, but at least Aile had big news for her best friend. J's mother keeps wondering if they pulled a prank on her, but she remembers that the house became somewhat famous and the noises kept on going even when the house was empty. It's a shame she couldn't remember the exact spot where the house used to be, but she remembers the village. So it could be possible to find this farm, if it still exists.

She also told me what her father had told her. This was a bit farther away in the past, it was the time her granddad was in his twenties. He, too, had been working at a house and had to stay some nights there every now and then. The workmen were sleeping all together in a large room. There were no noises, but a little more annoying ghost, I suppose. This one pulled the pillows from the sleeping people. This young man, however was a cold-nerved guy who didn't get startled when his pillow was pulled to the floor. He took the pillow, put it back under his head and kept sleeping. The master of the house told the workmen that the ghost doesn't do any harm, that it was a prankster and just kept pulling the pillows. J's grandgranddad solved the problem on his own behalf the next night when they were sleeping. He had taken some ash next to the wooden bench he slept on. When one of his "roommates" swore over the pillow-stealing ghost, he woke up too and saw a figure only from the waist up. He took the ash and threw the ash at the figure. It disappeared and he was the only one who could sleep his nites at peace after that.

J's mum also told me about a man who lived at her village when she was in her early twenties. It was told, that the man could lay a curse on anyone. He had said that if someone ever steals from his garden, the culprit would paralyze. Two boys, one she knew from school and another who she barely knew, went. They both paralyzed the next day. She told me it really happened overnight. The other boy and his mother went to this man an apologized and shortly after he got much better, but the other boy didn't go apologize. He remained paralyzed the rest of his life. She also told me this man was responsible for many other hexes too. Everyone were afraid of him and were scared to say anything bad about him. It was told that this man also had a clear consciousness at his death bed. He felt no remorse whatsoever and refused a priest. He was buried in church ground and was blessed by a priest. To keep him from coming back beyond the grave.

These were true stories. I have known J's mum for six years and I can say she's the most straightforward, honest and true person I've known. So she wouldn't lie, I'm sure. It's a shame she's already starting to forget things and I'd like to ask more, but I don't want to make her feel bad for not remembering.

So, Good night kids, there are true ghosts out there.

Saturday

The Un-read Blog

No one reads my blog. I've been doing this since 2k5 and still no hits..

Except for four returning customers that include one friend. So thanks to the three of you who keep reading my nutty thoughts.

Well, I started making this for myself anyway, so I don't mind.

So, if you happen to stop by, here's a blog you can't find. Really, you can't. Use Google, anything, I'm scribbling the only Un-read blog on the intahweb. It's funny that Google obviously hosts this, my account is for Google and even they don't know about me...

It's kind of funny.. or kind of sad. Whichever you like best.

Wednesday

My Dreamcatcher Is Borkened

I have this nice little dreamcatcher, bought it from a cute Indian stuff selling store. I've never been a believer in anything much, but this time I decided to believe and so far it has been working great. I used to have these horrid nightmares and they kept getting worse - I usually woke up screaming, panicked and sweatty every night..

Well anyways, after getting that dreamcatcher I've had - what - like 4 nights with nightmares. 4 nights in almost eight months is not bad after about 5000 nights with nightmares. I've been very happy after having good, beautiful, colorful dreams night after nights. I have developed an ability to keep watching a dream. Two best things I've had so far is: watching the same dream again on the following night and being able to go back in the dream and push it forward the way I want it to be.

New problems have occured though. Because I like sleeping, I sleep a lot. I always abuse the snooze button (who the hell invented that devil? Like we'd be tired after sleeping for 8 hours anyway) more badly than Kate Moss her cocaine.

And the gorgeous guys in my dreams - what the hell is that? Ewan McGregor, Jensen Ackles and surprisingly Sebastian Stan (who looks a bit like my ex, M).. Why? I see so many gorgeous guys out in the real world I keep wondering why the hell I keep having dreams of this handsome trio... Why can't I dream about the gorgeous exchange student in media studies?

And the sickest thing is that I have most of my dreams in English which - some of you may have noticed - is not my first language.

I'm scared to take my dreamcatcher off. What if the bad dreams come back and the dreamcatcher won't work again?

How to I unload Ewan McGregor out of my head? I don't even like most of his movies and anyone having a wife is a big IRL turnoff for me anyway. I'm not one of those girls who gather every single thing about their idol and post it all on a website. I'm not a fan, I don't drool over them (except for Ewan when he sings) and I don't talktalktalk about them all the time and find every gossip and wish they'd get rid of their wives/girlfriends/boyfrieds/whatev. I couldn't care less of Ewan IRL and still he haunts my dreams!

I once made a spell for me to appear in Ewans' dreams, just as a joke since I don't believe in that stuff. I guess that backfired and I'm getting all the Ewan I need (and don't want). So, kids, remember the rule of three times three. What ever you send out, it may come back powered three times.

Ewan, get the hell out of my head. Please.

Oh yeah, the other thing too, I keep having premonitions. They're just little things, mere hunches. I've been wrong twice, but usually they are a bit f**ked up. Like, this friend of mine. I hadn't talked with her for over a year and hadn't seen her either. I had a dream she had a baby boy. It was such a strong dream I had to dig up her number and call her. Surprise, surprise, she was pregnant and her due date was the following day. I told her about my dream and she promised to call me back when the baby had arrived. Three days and she texted: "A baby girl, big and healthy". I had a dream of myself drowning in a cockpit of a lorry, going through ice. Two days later this guy went down. I had a dream of drowning in an icy river and the next day I got a call from my sister telling my uncle went through the ice with a snowmobile and drowned.

So I've heard them déjavuthevers may be a sign of a future Alzheimer's. If it's true, I'm definitely one of those going down with it.

Well, time to go meet Ewan. Nites.

By the way, sorry if I seem to be all over the shop with my blog stuff - a bit comes up in my head, and then it f**ks off and then I just scribble what's left of it..

Tuesday

Paris Hilton

Why should Paris be freed after what she's done?

Doesn't she have enough brain to read her own papers? Why blame the rep?

And the mother - oh - my - god.. "After all the money we spent?". Well, that proved my belief that you can get out of a lot of things with a big fund...

Paris, you belong in jail, so stop counting on your rich parents and famous name.

Hope no one falls for your little "petition".

One friend of mine just said: "The celebs should get twice the time they get just because people look up to them and learning that you can buy your way out of jail by blaming others and handing a big pack of money, is not teaching anything to anyone."

I cannot agree more.

Oh yeah, and I just spent nine days being living half life. I had a terrible flu and I was going nutty after day 6. The sun was shining and all that shit - and I was sitting inside blowing my nose.

Congrats Hubble!

A Late Happy Birthday to Hubble. May your 17-years of life extend to many more!

Hubble precisely measured the age of the universe. It found evidence of dark energy. It brought you images of distant galaxies in the young universe. And now, with Servicing Mission 4 (SM4), the Hubble Space Telescope will look onto the universe with new eyes, surpassing even its previous vision.

"Hubble was designed to be repaired and upgraded by astronauts, and these servicing missions have occurred several times since Hubble’s launch in 1990. SM4 has an ambitious program of activities. Over a series of five spacewalks, astronauts will replace worn-out telescope components, installing new batteries, new gyroscopes, a refurbished Fine Guidance Sensor, replacement thermal blankets, and more. It will significantly enhance Hubble's prowess with the installation of two new science instruments: the Wide Field Camera 3 and the Cosmic Origins Spectrograph. These upgrades will keep Hubble functioning at the pinnacle of astronomy well into the next decade. "

Hubble celebrated with a wonderful picture of a place where stars are born (not L.A. you goofs)

Thank you, NASA!

Apparently someone there has brains AND heart!

The pic is courtesy of NASA of course and I did not ask for a permission to post it here.

Thursday

Something About Death...

First, I'd like to ask a different question: Why do the dead people become angel -like? According to their friends and families they haven't done anything wrong, were nice, popular, polite appy all their lives, never said anything bad.. this happens every single time. Like the people who died in Virginia Tech. They were all happy, perfect kids according to anyone who was interviewed for the cameras. But what if, in real life, they were all typical American over-spoiled kids who might have said something bad to Seung Cho? My heart goes out to the first victim, the dude, since he was only trying to solve the situation and might just have been collateral. What if he KNEW who he was about to shoot? Someone who had made a prank he didn't find funny, someone who had dissed his words... Or he might have just been nutty, the one who knows is dead already. Everytime something like this happens, suddenly everyone's a psychoanalyst. This writing today is the result of my short day as a psychoanalyst.

Every "witness" interviewed in any case of violence, that they "should have paid attention" to the things they "suddenly" remembered after she was killed. Everyone they knew even vaguely have something to say about the culprit and "the cold look in his eyes". But let me say here, if you, for example, ever find out your wife is a bitch, manipulates you, thinks only of herself and her vision of perfect life (two kids, marriage, big career...) wouldn't you feel a bit cold sooner or later? Wouldn't you feel bad that the woman you had loved for over a decade would push you away? What if they became cold to the people who now speak against him because he KNEW they'd betray him sooner or later (and talking to the media about their opinions on the couple in order to gain monetary benefit IS betraying).

I'm cold to people I don't appreciate, let's see if I kill someone in ten years. I appear proud to people I don't know, let's see if I kill someone in ten years. I play counter-strike and other first person shooters, I make levels for some games, I don't like spoiled people, I don't like to socialice with people I don't know, but value my rare friends even more, I like guns, I have used a gun, I used to play airsoft, I like to be alone, I suffer from slight depression every now and then - and I've had the worst childhood most of you can only see in the movies. That makes me a murderer, right? But sorry people, I value this only life we get too much to take someone's life away, so fuck you analysts! Oh, and the only gun I own is a Desert Eagle .50 with 6mm plastic rounds.

Death doesn't forgive your sins. You just become rotting meat. Being murdered doesn't make you a saint, death that comes too soon, doesn't make anyone a saint. No one is forgiven in death, really. Well, maybe the pope.