Time To Panic

Okay. I'm officially over 30. I still don't feel a day over 15. When is it coming, adulthood?

I have realized I want to stay at school. I like most of my schoolmates, and I really think this is something I should be doing. I have already told everyone that I'm leaving, so I can't change my mind anymore. I'm feeling this weird, panicky feeling that I shouldn't quit. That this thing should run its course. It's creeping the poo out of me.

Then, there's a girl. If I was gay, I would probably love her.

Her name is Joanne. Her eyes are big and amazing green, and her round face is so beautiful. She even has freckles. She's a bit round, but perfectly so. She looks like a proper woman, and an amazing one. Her accent is amazing. I could listen to her for hours. I would like to be her friend, but I have wanted to make friends with so many people who ended up disappointing me badly. So I won't even try, though we are about the same age and at a similar situation in life.. Our nephews are even about the same age. I know I'll probably lose a potential friend here, but I'd rather like her when I don't properly know her. So, she'll only be my friend in my short story.

A Gay Surprise on the Double

So,

a friend came out of the closet with a nice declaration of relationship to a person of the same sex. Everybody's known his interests forever, but no one ever actually said it or asked about it and he has never told himself. I was never sure and we're not that close, he's a friend of a good friend.

I'm not against gay people. That's the way they were coded and this is they way I was coded, there's nothing anyone can do about it.

So why are my thoughts so weird?

Has he told his parents?
What does is ex-girlfriend think now? Does she think she made her gay because of their botched relationship?
I hope I hadn't said anything bad against gay people in front of him.
I hope I didn't try to match him with a girl...

That kind of thoughts.
 
Everyone else has been congratulating and being happy. I'm just numb. Why can't I feel happy or am I - somewhere I don't want to let myself know - against the homosexuals?

I tried to think being gay is against the nature, that the default is something between a woman and a man. But it is natural. We're monkeys and monkeys have homosexual encounters. They are not driven away or shunned. The Greek based their relationships between the men and the women were only for breeding. The mightiest thinkers on Earth, the Greeks. The fathers of drama. There's nothing really weird about being gay. I just can't see it any other way than it's obvious.

So why is it bothering me? Well, not bothering but raising these weird, useless thoughts?

Well, there's one thing that really bothers me. I posted my thoughts on Facebook. I guess I wrote it so that one person got it the wrong way and asked me what I meant by it and added; "I was only thinking because, you know, I'm gay.."  Now, in his profile he says he is interested in men, but I always thought it was a joke. He's that kind of a person, into weird jokes that are sometimes baffling, so I thought this was one of them. So he's gay too. I've known him  - though not so well, more like every third weekend, lately Facebook kind of known - for almost nine years and it never occurred to me. So he's been openly gay all this time and I thought it was a joke. Should I be ashamed or does it mean I'm really so okay with this stuff that I don't have a real stand on this. No real opinion.

This doesn't change how I feel about these people or change the way I treat them, I don't actually care. But why these thoughts? It can't be because I'd regret the things I've said or done in front of them, they already know I'm an idiot.

Pretty Words

I had a terrible evening today.

I've been struggling with some school work for days. I don't feel like doing it.

One of my friends said I was stiff.

And then he said I'm strict.

And then I was chatting in Messenger with an old friend of mine and said that I was once made a death metal song named "Ugly", he said:

"I have always thought you are beautiful.."

That melted my heart, as this friend of mine usually is so harsh towards women.

Later I said he's free to go to bed, he needn't keep me company, and he said:

"It's nice to talk with you. Always, you're nice to hang out with, IRL too."

It made me feel so good.

That someone likes to spend time with me and wasn't in a hurry to leave or do something else.

Great. Just Great.

How can one SMS make one feel so... worthless? I was sleeping an hour after midnight when I received a message from a friend I admire and adore - and I'm happy I didn't read it til 5 am this morning. . The message was: "When are we gonna go clubbing? I can fit into my dress now."

I haven't heard a word from her for like two months and then she asks when I'm gonna take her out?! I replied: "Are you sure you've got the number right because I can't fit into my dress." She promised in May that she'd take me jogging twice every week but never didn't. And she's normal weight. She's too thin, actually, and she "fits into" her dress. I should have replied "fuck off and let me feel sorry for myself." But then I decided to shock myself to have a kickstart to go to weightwatchers but I got a different kind of shock. I had lost three kilos since the last time I checked four weeks ago. Without lifting a finger. That's it for the kickstart. But there's one thing in my mind that - I think - has had an effect in my eating. A month or so ago I was walking downtown and a car full of teenage boys drove by. One of them opened a window and yelled "A hundred kilos - Full of fun" or something like that. That killed me - mainly because I'm not even near hundred.

I have to code tons of JAVA for Monday. Have I even started? No. I'll probably manage to start on Sunday morning and maybe have something finished by Monday afternoon. The last time I had to make demos, I started the day before and barely finished with stuff I can't even understand. But I guess I didn't do everything wrong because the guy who checked didn't have to do much corrections and I passed the course :D

I decided to forget about the med school. The odds for me actually getting in are rather small because I wasn't so keen studying chemistry and physics in high school. Instead, I decided that in three years I'll be working for Pixar Animation Studios. As a coffeemaker.

Time to go to bed. Good morning. ;)

Nothingness

Do you know what it feels like NOT to feel anything? Just being numb. Nothing can move you, you couldn't care less? Well, today I've been feeling that way. I thought I'd be glad when I woke up early enough, but I was like "duh".

One friend of mine - well, sort of a friend- ditched me when I needed him the most. He could have done such a favor to me.. but he didn't. He said, that it's against his morals. His morals? What moral? He can't even crasp the word "moral". He's just another fucker who thinks people would do anything for him without expecting a favor returned. J ordered him some things he wanted to, and paid it off with his credit card. Then we've been driving him around without him helping on the expenses. Then he treated me very badly last weekend by calling me asocial when I was kidding on something that happened. And then on Tuesday I asked him to help me on my school stuff. And he said I should do it by myself. He said it's against his moral to help me. Asshole. Weirdly I'm not even pissed off. I'm disappointed. No, not even disappointed, because I know this stuff happens to me all the time.

I want a friend who would do something for me for a change. Any volunteers?

Tune of the moment:
Three Days Grace - (I hate) Everything About you