So,
a friend came out of the closet with a nice declaration of relationship to a person of the same sex. Everybody's known his interests forever, but no one ever actually said it or asked about it and he has never told himself. I was never sure and we're not that close, he's a friend of a good friend.
I'm not against gay people. That's the way they were coded and this is they way I was coded, there's nothing anyone can do about it.
So why are my thoughts so weird?
Has he told his parents?
What does is ex-girlfriend think now? Does she think she made her gay because of their botched relationship?
I hope I hadn't said anything bad against gay people in front of him.
I hope I didn't try to match him with a girl...
That kind of thoughts.
Everyone else has been congratulating and being happy. I'm just numb. Why can't I feel happy or am I - somewhere I don't want to let myself know - against the homosexuals?
I tried to think being gay is against the nature, that the default is something between a woman and a man. But it is natural. We're monkeys and monkeys have homosexual encounters. They are not driven away or shunned. The Greek based their relationships between the men and the women were only for breeding. The mightiest thinkers on Earth, the Greeks. The fathers of drama. There's nothing really weird about being gay. I just can't see it any other way than it's obvious.
So why is it bothering me? Well, not bothering but raising these weird, useless thoughts?
Well, there's one thing that really bothers me. I posted my thoughts on Facebook. I guess I wrote it so that one person got it the wrong way and asked me what I meant by it and added; "I was only thinking because, you know, I'm gay.." Now, in his profile he says he is interested in men, but I always thought it was a joke. He's that kind of a person, into weird jokes that are sometimes baffling, so I thought this was one of them. So he's gay too. I've known him - though not so well, more like every third weekend, lately Facebook kind of known - for almost nine years and it never occurred to me. So he's been openly gay all this time and I thought it was a joke. Should I be ashamed or does it mean I'm really so okay with this stuff that I don't have a real stand on this. No real opinion.
This doesn't change how I feel about these people or change the way I treat them, I don't actually care. But why these thoughts? It can't be because I'd regret the things I've said or done in front of them, they already know I'm an idiot.