No Disappointments Until You Wake Up

For a moment your stupid, unworthy life is perfect. You are happy, you know yourself and you are perfect - as much as you can. No disappointments until you wake up.

There are mornings that I wish I never wake up. Then, after a nightmare-ridden night I'm glad to wake. Now is that a dilemma or what? Other people worry about getting water to drink or someone bombing them on their way home..

Is it happiness that you actually sleep about 25 years of your life - or does it take something away? Is it a waste of a precious life or just waste of time? I read that you only learn in dreams, your brain works out the daily things and refine it to learning.. but what can you learn of a perfect life that disappears every morning you happen to wake up to your shit of a life?

Why are we cursed with the ability to have dreams? It's like the evolution's last 'fuck you' to mock us or something. Why give someone the best days of their lives, then wake them up to the reality that they are on a refugee camp with nothing but the clothes they stand up in? Isn't it cruelty? What about some poor fucker, who can barely write - can only put their words right out when they are deep in sleep?

Now, why this ramble? I was thinking about myself, my dreams. I do have a good life when compared to millions of others. I'm educated, well-enough behaving, I have a nice guy, a few good friends, apartment with a  nice view, something to do every day and really no worries. Then why do my dreams affect me so much? Why a life I never had returns to my dreams night after night so that I can't be grateful of what I actually have? I'm constantly trying to tell myself to return to real life after a night... but yesterday I found myself smiling like an idiot for the whole day.


Now, let's put that half aside and talk about something else. I'm that kind of a person that I get deeply affected by something, mostly it's a tune in a song, a picture, a sound I hear. Like on a very windy day I stopped to hear the wind blowing in a grove of pines. Have you ever stopped to listen how much different it is from when it's deciduous trees?


Tune of today:

He Makes Me Cry

I had this dream
you knew who I am
and loved what you saw
you loved me
as I am

waking up like this
after a life like that
I want to sleep

I am an old soul
and somehow I know
we were one in another time
it was another life
in it I did wrong

if this is what I deserve
I hope I get to rest
I cannot come back

a life is worth living
but if it's going to be
another life like this,
I don't want it
just take it away

What a Month!

It's been hell, this month renovating our new apartment.

You wake up at 7 in the morning, go to the apartment, do stuff and by the time you're back in bed, it's already past midnight and it's about seven hours until you get up and repeat the last day. it's like one of those nightmares that you wake up in your dream and relive everything again.

We should be able to move today and everything is just not finished. Some of the woodwork isn't done. The new place isn't cleaned up yet... and I'm so tired! I just want to sleep 12 hours without waking up in the middle thinking I should be painting or something.

I thought renovating would be fun. It could be if you could only do a couple of hours a day, not around the clock for a whole month. I hate it. I don't ever want to see another paintbrush, piece of laminate flooring, sanders, hammer drills, screw drivers..

Ice Hockey

Yayyy! Finland won! IIHF World Cup Gold is OURS!

Yes, yes, yes, 6-1.

And the best thing? We won the final against Sweden. Oh, sweet victory!

I don't give a shit about ice hockey, I only listened to the match, but it's been sixteen years since our last gold medal. It was time to bring gold home. This is a good day for the Finns. Maybe this victory brings some patriotism to the people.