Yes, and it's tearing my nerves.
Should I feed it? Wonder if I could keep it alive through winter, would it like me?
Naah, just kidding. :)
The weather is nice, cold, but the sun is shining. I wish that winter would come soon this year.
Oh.. I have had this very unpleasant thought of not seeing year 2008 - for quite some time now. I also keep getting those panic attacks - the ones that I get when my tanatophopia kicks in. I have been able to hide them from J many times and I hope he won't see them, since he gets so scared.
I heard that some people know when they are going to die, that they have these dreams full of actual feelings - or they feel terrible lightness and start seeing everything as it would be the last time. I have had all of that lately. And you know what..? I would be relieved. That it would finally be over. I wouldn't have to wake up at night and suddenly realize that it could be over any time, I wouldn't have to be afraid that J would get into a car accident. I wouldn't have to care. My mother would be glad for finally getting rid of me for good - since that's what she's wanted since the day I was born. My sisters would be happy for me, since they would think I could have peace.
I wish I could live without a days regret, not feeling sorry for myself or anyone else. One perfect day would be enough for me - and I'd be ready to die. Do you hear that, fate? I'll exchange one perfect day - for the rest of my days.
.. I know that
only time can tell us how
to carry on without each other..