After J,
I was so happy to have met another J.
He made me feel so alive, so loved, so.. everything. But it was nothing but a hoax. I am now a victim of a mass dater, a charlatan... He was in it for the sex only, which was, by the way, amazing, mind blowing... I have had sex since I was sixteen, but with this guy, it was the first time of making love. But he is a guy who values his friends over relationships, works like hell... I was about to fall in love with him, I liked so many things about him, but realizing there wasn't going to be anything else.. well, it had to stop. I'm still wishing he'd call me, but yesterday we saw each other and he didn't even greet me.
Then there was someone else. E. I went out on a date with him, but nothing came out of it. Except that he sent me beautiful songs... and he's beautiful. He's a geek, just like me, but drop dead gorgeous. Yesterday I asked him out, and he wouldn't go, so I decided I won't be played with again and I told him not to contact me again. I have regretted it ever since I did it, but at least I can congratulate myself for not letting myself be fooled again.
But now I'm alone. Really alone.
I Am Leftovers
When people were made, there were some pieces left - enough to make one more person. That's me. I'm leftovers.
Friday
Still alive
The day came. I knew it from the first moment I woke up. It was going to be the day I died. J was somewhere else, I prepared everything. I called my sister, talked with her for awhile, texted my two step sisters. I didn't tell them anything, as they aren't really my family, only by blood. In my thoughts I was saying goodbye, though. When evening came, I was so calm... I took a mild sedative that is supposed to make you fall asleep easier, but isn't actually sleeping pill. I took a plastic bag. I showered, brushed my teeth, and I was ready. I wrote a letter. It wasn't about apologies, just directions for J, to call the police, then what to do with my body and the stuff he didn't want to sell. I wasn't even scared, so I took the bag and something to attach it with, I think it was packaging tape so it wouldn't come off before the chance. The moment I put the plastic bag over my head, I felt fear of unknown. I told myself that you either do it now or shut up about it forever. I took the bag off, and told myself again that it was now or never. And then it was never. I chose to live. I chose to live a life that has no meaning for me. I am weak. My fear of death overcame the fear of everything ahead. I folded the plastic bag and went to bed, and slept well.
I have regretted my decision already twice, but it holds. Only age, accident or disease will take me away now. This is my hell, and I think I deserve it.
Studying is horrible. Engineering demands a lot. Nursing was like a walk in the sunshine compared to this. Medicine calculations? Ha! Child's play.
In addition to everything, me and J, after almost 12 years, are over. He is over me, that is. There is no other women, nothing strong an concrete. We were decent, and sometimes I was even happy.
I'm moving out just in time for New Year's. We used to watch the fireworks together.
I'm alone. Completely, utterly alone. I never had friends, I don't trust anyone that easily, so I really have no friends, except L. But she's too busy with her own life to attend to me right now.
J.. I let him in, let him know about my childhood, all my pains. Today I recalled the feeling I had when I was eleven and my mother told me not to come home after school or she'd kill me. That day I managed to tell my teacher, who actually believed me, and after that I never went home. I was always a guest at somebody's house, a visitor, a burden that was compensated. Except with him... He took me in. Shared his pains. Today I felt that pain again. The person that was my whole world told me to get out and never return.
I did so many mistakes, said so many things that weren't meant to hurt, but did. He got hurt for the same things he told me, but didn't want to hear said about himself. He had thought things about me, things that weren't true, had things on his mind, but never told me. All those were little things that he either had wrong, or had invented in his own mind were the reason that made him dislike me. I explained everything, everything. I even apologized for things I didn't do. But it didn't help. He has now decided his life will be better without me.
My life won't be. I will never find another man who doesn't hit me, who doesn't smoke nor drink, who has a steady job and a mother who likes me. I don't want anything less than him. Finnish men are all alcoholic nut-cases, at least the ones that are free. I don't want to be a step-mother to anyone else's kids. I don't have kids... and now I'm sure I'll never have them. It would take me at least a couple of years to get over J, another year to find someone, a few years dating, a few years living together, until such things could even be spoken about. And then I'd be way too old to to even have children.
So, for him, this is getting rid of something he blames for ruining his life.
For me.. I'm being abandoned. I'm losing my home and the only person I have ever given complete trust. He's casting me out because of things he said, left undone and imagined. He never asked me how I felt about things, but in his mind, he decided how I felt. When I told her how I felt, we argued, and always, always I changed. Reminded myself that it was my way of thinking and that I should bother him with my my thoughts or worries. Every time we ever had arguments was because I shared my thoughts and feelings and wanted to know. Then I changed again.
Now I have nothing left. I'm not even me. I used to be fearless, a citizen of the world. Now I'm shrunk into this person I don't even like. Just a quiet, pitiful, self-pitying loser. I see now that I was always too easy, too compromizing, too helpful, too non-demanding... I made him the selfish bastard he now is.
So, on 7th of January I will return to school, go through the day and go into my shared apartment, which I haven't even seen but already hate, to roommates ten years younger than I.
This is what I am, at almost 32. A complete mess without direction or anything to hold on to. And the worst part is that it can get worse: I can lose my student grant for not getting ahead fast enough. It's adding to this pressure, for ending up to having to quit school in order to be eligible for welfare. Me, on welfare. Today I told my sister that I always though education would get me out of the stigma our family has always had, menial jobs, barely livable lives, divorce, everything bad. I was wrong. I'm just a loser like everyone else in my family tree.
If I could, I would kill myself. As it now has been established that I can't, I won't.
I have regretted my decision already twice, but it holds. Only age, accident or disease will take me away now. This is my hell, and I think I deserve it.
Studying is horrible. Engineering demands a lot. Nursing was like a walk in the sunshine compared to this. Medicine calculations? Ha! Child's play.
In addition to everything, me and J, after almost 12 years, are over. He is over me, that is. There is no other women, nothing strong an concrete. We were decent, and sometimes I was even happy.
I'm moving out just in time for New Year's. We used to watch the fireworks together.
I'm alone. Completely, utterly alone. I never had friends, I don't trust anyone that easily, so I really have no friends, except L. But she's too busy with her own life to attend to me right now.
J.. I let him in, let him know about my childhood, all my pains. Today I recalled the feeling I had when I was eleven and my mother told me not to come home after school or she'd kill me. That day I managed to tell my teacher, who actually believed me, and after that I never went home. I was always a guest at somebody's house, a visitor, a burden that was compensated. Except with him... He took me in. Shared his pains. Today I felt that pain again. The person that was my whole world told me to get out and never return.
I did so many mistakes, said so many things that weren't meant to hurt, but did. He got hurt for the same things he told me, but didn't want to hear said about himself. He had thought things about me, things that weren't true, had things on his mind, but never told me. All those were little things that he either had wrong, or had invented in his own mind were the reason that made him dislike me. I explained everything, everything. I even apologized for things I didn't do. But it didn't help. He has now decided his life will be better without me.
My life won't be. I will never find another man who doesn't hit me, who doesn't smoke nor drink, who has a steady job and a mother who likes me. I don't want anything less than him. Finnish men are all alcoholic nut-cases, at least the ones that are free. I don't want to be a step-mother to anyone else's kids. I don't have kids... and now I'm sure I'll never have them. It would take me at least a couple of years to get over J, another year to find someone, a few years dating, a few years living together, until such things could even be spoken about. And then I'd be way too old to to even have children.
So, for him, this is getting rid of something he blames for ruining his life.
For me.. I'm being abandoned. I'm losing my home and the only person I have ever given complete trust. He's casting me out because of things he said, left undone and imagined. He never asked me how I felt about things, but in his mind, he decided how I felt. When I told her how I felt, we argued, and always, always I changed. Reminded myself that it was my way of thinking and that I should bother him with my my thoughts or worries. Every time we ever had arguments was because I shared my thoughts and feelings and wanted to know. Then I changed again.
Now I have nothing left. I'm not even me. I used to be fearless, a citizen of the world. Now I'm shrunk into this person I don't even like. Just a quiet, pitiful, self-pitying loser. I see now that I was always too easy, too compromizing, too helpful, too non-demanding... I made him the selfish bastard he now is.
So, on 7th of January I will return to school, go through the day and go into my shared apartment, which I haven't even seen but already hate, to roommates ten years younger than I.
This is what I am, at almost 32. A complete mess without direction or anything to hold on to. And the worst part is that it can get worse: I can lose my student grant for not getting ahead fast enough. It's adding to this pressure, for ending up to having to quit school in order to be eligible for welfare. Me, on welfare. Today I told my sister that I always though education would get me out of the stigma our family has always had, menial jobs, barely livable lives, divorce, everything bad. I was wrong. I'm just a loser like everyone else in my family tree.
If I could, I would kill myself. As it now has been established that I can't, I won't.
Monday
Accepted
I was accepted.
This is weird. I don't know what made it. Maybe I was the last one who got in, or the quality of the other applicants was bad? Nevertheless, I'm in. At first I was excited, happy. Then I realized that.. regardless of all the butt wiping and the prospect to end up in the geriatrics ward, I would like to be one. I like helping people, and I think I have this.. air, to make people comfortable when they are feeling bad.
Well. I'm going to be an engineer. Means 9 to 5 working hours instead of three-shift work hours. Meaning a better pay. Not having to wipe anyone's ass... Then why am I not happy?
I think I'm one of those people who always has plans and dreams, but unhappy whichever way it goes..
I wonder if I could finish them both at the same time? It's a lot of work.. and there's a lot of practice involved in nursing...
This is weird. I don't know what made it. Maybe I was the last one who got in, or the quality of the other applicants was bad? Nevertheless, I'm in. At first I was excited, happy. Then I realized that.. regardless of all the butt wiping and the prospect to end up in the geriatrics ward, I would like to be one. I like helping people, and I think I have this.. air, to make people comfortable when they are feeling bad.
Well. I'm going to be an engineer. Means 9 to 5 working hours instead of three-shift work hours. Meaning a better pay. Not having to wipe anyone's ass... Then why am I not happy?
I think I'm one of those people who always has plans and dreams, but unhappy whichever way it goes..
I wonder if I could finish them both at the same time? It's a lot of work.. and there's a lot of practice involved in nursing...
Thursday
A Little Update
So, I didn't have a chance to finish my last post as something BIG came up.
No, I didn't win in the lottery.
I had complications of the TWO lumbar punctures (at least they gave me a good dose of sedatives. I was practically asleep when they did it) they had to perform on me to find out if I have hypertension in my brain. Somehow my spinal fluid kept on leaking from the punctures, and it caused me a hellish headache. Now, I don't mean a girly headache, nor even a migraine headache. It was pure, evil, awful hell. In a scale of 1 to 10, the headache was a ten, the worst pain I've ever gone through. Think that spinal taps hurt? Nope. Think that needles hurt? Nope. I haven't given birth, but at least it has a reward in the end. This one only hurt.
The funny thing about that headache was that it only worsened when trying to get up. When in bed it was just a minor irritation, like a regular headache, but as soon as I lifted my head... oh boy-o...
So, they needed to patch me up, and it meant two other spinal taps. They took some blood and put it in. It was supposed to patch something, but at first it didn't and the headache returned, but not as bad as it was before the blood patch. I had to return to hospital and I spent five days in the hospital and emergency ward. Only the second blood patch worked, but I had to lay in bed for two weeks until the back pain ceased enough for me to walk.
And the medication.. Ho-ly-crap. It causes me to eat like a horse. I'm constantly hungry, and I don't mean that I crave food, but it's like I haven't had anything to eat for days! It takes a lot, a lot, and a lot more willpower not to indulge. My mouth is always dry, and the things I liked, things that tasted good taste like shit. How about Prednisolon then? Adds to the hunger game. It also adds to swelling, so my face looks like I've gained 20 kilos. Everything is swollen, wobbly and nasty.
I have a theory. What caused this was not my fatty. I've had physical activity more than the recommended amount per week for a year, so it couldn't be just fat-caused. What caused it was the medication for acne (which I don't have. It's folliculitis, the inflammation of the hair follicles, stupid doctor). It's lymecycline. It may cause hypertension in the brain. It also may cause hirsutism (yeah, I have a beard) and several other ailments I always thought to exist because I thought I had been sitting on the computer too long, or simply because I was fat. Nope, it's the drug. I had eaten it for over two years until I figured everything's because of that. First of all, you're only supposed to take it for eight weeks, and maximum of three months. Second, I've complained of all of my symptoms to a doctor AND mentioned the medicine, but none of the doctors ever put one and one together.
One good thing came out of it, anyway. There was a drop dead gorgeous intern in the emergency ward. He was almost ready to take on his duties as a doctor, but he needed some more practice, so he stuck an IV needle in me. He was nervous, I was nervous, and it all ended in a huge pool of blood on the floor. Poor thing. I hope he remembers me, as I insisted that I want a nurse to do it next time. I guess I broke his confidence.
Well, on my way to misery anyway. I applied to engineering, but couldn't make it. It was the first entrance exam I ever practiced for (I've used to getting in where I wanted, except law school where I wanted but didn't bother to study in advance). Huge disappointment. So I'm stuck with nursing school. Nothing else has changed.
No, I didn't win in the lottery.
I had complications of the TWO lumbar punctures (at least they gave me a good dose of sedatives. I was practically asleep when they did it) they had to perform on me to find out if I have hypertension in my brain. Somehow my spinal fluid kept on leaking from the punctures, and it caused me a hellish headache. Now, I don't mean a girly headache, nor even a migraine headache. It was pure, evil, awful hell. In a scale of 1 to 10, the headache was a ten, the worst pain I've ever gone through. Think that spinal taps hurt? Nope. Think that needles hurt? Nope. I haven't given birth, but at least it has a reward in the end. This one only hurt.
The funny thing about that headache was that it only worsened when trying to get up. When in bed it was just a minor irritation, like a regular headache, but as soon as I lifted my head... oh boy-o...
So, they needed to patch me up, and it meant two other spinal taps. They took some blood and put it in. It was supposed to patch something, but at first it didn't and the headache returned, but not as bad as it was before the blood patch. I had to return to hospital and I spent five days in the hospital and emergency ward. Only the second blood patch worked, but I had to lay in bed for two weeks until the back pain ceased enough for me to walk.
And the medication.. Ho-ly-crap. It causes me to eat like a horse. I'm constantly hungry, and I don't mean that I crave food, but it's like I haven't had anything to eat for days! It takes a lot, a lot, and a lot more willpower not to indulge. My mouth is always dry, and the things I liked, things that tasted good taste like shit. How about Prednisolon then? Adds to the hunger game. It also adds to swelling, so my face looks like I've gained 20 kilos. Everything is swollen, wobbly and nasty.
I have a theory. What caused this was not my fatty. I've had physical activity more than the recommended amount per week for a year, so it couldn't be just fat-caused. What caused it was the medication for acne (which I don't have. It's folliculitis, the inflammation of the hair follicles, stupid doctor). It's lymecycline. It may cause hypertension in the brain. It also may cause hirsutism (yeah, I have a beard) and several other ailments I always thought to exist because I thought I had been sitting on the computer too long, or simply because I was fat. Nope, it's the drug. I had eaten it for over two years until I figured everything's because of that. First of all, you're only supposed to take it for eight weeks, and maximum of three months. Second, I've complained of all of my symptoms to a doctor AND mentioned the medicine, but none of the doctors ever put one and one together.
One good thing came out of it, anyway. There was a drop dead gorgeous intern in the emergency ward. He was almost ready to take on his duties as a doctor, but he needed some more practice, so he stuck an IV needle in me. He was nervous, I was nervous, and it all ended in a huge pool of blood on the floor. Poor thing. I hope he remembers me, as I insisted that I want a nurse to do it next time. I guess I broke his confidence.
Well, on my way to misery anyway. I applied to engineering, but couldn't make it. It was the first entrance exam I ever practiced for (I've used to getting in where I wanted, except law school where I wanted but didn't bother to study in advance). Huge disappointment. So I'm stuck with nursing school. Nothing else has changed.
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